This does not feel right at all. I felt like I harassed Audrey and she kept me out. That's one logical thing to do, shutting someone out if they are annoying you, but... I'm not on the receiving end of the stick, I am the cause. The other option is to talk about it.
I don't know what I did, I really don't. But it has escalated to this.
Currently, my heart is pounding greatly, like something bad is gonna happen. This has been happening for some time now, maybe its because the National Exams closing in, my parent's pressures on me, and the lack of social interaction.
I felt like I have to harass someone to relieve stress, so I made a post, [OD 31, not]. I dug up my questions from both of Audrey's askfm accounts, and posted it there as hyperlinks. I couldn't find much because of my slow internet. This is like an illness, I felt better over time but stress put me back in a diseased state. I think she finally realized I have been doing some shady stuff for some time in her askfm account. If she doesn't, here's a short list:
I was George, I was some of the anonymous asker, I was Erœ, I was Luna. I visit everyday, like I visit her blog. After waking up, after school, and before sleeping.
Askfm tweets were the trending topic at the time, but I didn't bother to join in and make an account. I participated indirectly instead. Audrey just popped in my mind, so I harassed her online as Erœ, I roleplayed with her as George and Luna, and ask her about her daily life as the anon reader.
Outside harassing out of pure hatred and trying to simulate intimate interaction, I became George. I roleplayed just for the sake of roleplaying. I faced Erœ's threat with Audrey, Angel, and Axel, but I was also Erœ. The tag I used to separate myself from Erœ was Æx. When the real Luna disappeared, I took her place in Audrey's askfm page, saying I'm an anon. I'm both the old Luna, the one before she went pregnant and disappeared, and the last Luna, the one after leaving the children with Fleece, Audrey's character. I'm also the legion of anon that participated in the voting to determine the last Luna's behaviour.
Me, a guy, roleplaying a girl.
Audrey, a girl, roleplaying a guy.
It's funny, I think. Making different personas of myself.
One day, I realized Audrey's contact went missing from my Line friend list. I panicked, thinking I was blocked. I apologized, I made a status post about, but I forgot she couldn't see it. I stalked. She made a new Instagram acc. And almost ignored both her askfm acc. Both Twitter and Facebook activity is nonexistent. She deleted her blog after I posted [OD 31, not] but not after she posted one last post that I didn't get to read, because it got deleted with the rest of it. She made a new askfm account and joined an Indonesian Pokemon forum.
I felt ignored, but I also don't want any social interaction. I just want to stalk. I want to read every update, every changes, everything. It has become a habit, hardwired into my brain. I don't have any activity to replace my routine, and I got confused.
[OD 13, not] and this post is a product of my confusion. I always try to not give the audience any clue or hints in my blog posts, that I was the one pulling the strings behind some scenes. This cautious persona is always active, lurking in the back of my head.
But since Audrey is not there anymore for me to stalk, play, talk, and harass, I don't know what to do. And since she's not here to watch anymore, I don't need to hold back.
But what if she's still here? Reading up until this very sentence?
Well, now you know the truth and everything is up to you. I'll go about my life, searching for things to do, trying to tweak and customize said activity so that I can fit it in my routine.
This is my freedom of speech, but I'm aware that I'm not free of its consequence. I don't know the consequence of what I did, but I know I'm going to hell for sure. So that's fine. Hell, I don't even know if I still believe in hell or not.
I'm scared. I felt like my heart is gonna jump out of my throat. I'm possessive. Something bad is going to happen because of it. I don't know if I'll survive, and what would I do if I do survive.
Anyway, bang! I blew my cover. Now, I'm gonna bleed for the next few weeks. Tomorrow, my so called "Calm Week" starts, and National Exams starts next week after that, then, I don't know.
I'll just wait.
...You know? This is just like I harassed my old classmate's Facebook page when I was in junior highschool. Her name is Jessica Natasha, one of the J Curse. I was in love with her too. I was universally hated after that. I faced hatred, and I turned out fine. I fought despair and I turned out fine. At least, after several weeks have passed.
So, its fine.
One day Izmy asked me about my previous school. It was during recess. She asked me about a part of my life that I've left behind, out of the blue. To me, it was a good school up until I realized about my role as a student and began thinking about what other people think about me. But as I said before, it was a part of my life that I wanted to forget about, so for every question she asked me, I answered them shortly and asked her two questions. I got some information about her past and stuff, so thats kinda refreshing. I'm tired of saying, "I stabbed someone, that's how I got here."
Izmiyah Afaf was an Al-Azhar student, and that is a famous Muslim school name in Indonesia. There are many Al-Azhars. All the values that I believed to be in every student that once went there exists in her. Religious, smart, polite, overall she's what you call an honor student, or even more.
Physically speaking, Izmy is a short person. The top of her head might be just over my chest, with a somewhat below average build. Maybe she doesn't exercise much, but she's not fat, instead, she's kinda skinny. I've never seen her face without her jilbab and glasses, and her body, save for her face and hands, are well covered.
Out of all the Muslim friends that I know, including myself, she might be the most religious of them all. But she doesn't talk much about religion, maybe its because she knew people around here aren't that religious. She's also very smart, I could almost say she's mentally gifted even though she's not. She's just really diligent and unbelievably good at every subject. If there's a speech, discussion, or argument simulation, she would play her role with her whole soul. My class even have an inside joke about how Izmy worries about failing a test, even though she never failed any since she first got here, and if a teacher said she failed, they would later say that it was a mistake and she didn't fail.
***
Whenever Izmy talks to anyone, she would speak softly and politely, like a flight attendant. The language she uses is sometimes too formal for regular talks, but mostly she speaks normally. Just for my amusement, whenever we engaged in a conversation, I would try my best to be as formal as she is and pretend as if we're both office workers in an important meeting. It was quite exhausting but very entertaining to me, but perhaps to her it was just a regular everyday talk.
I wrote above that she's like an honor student, right? But its not exactly like that. I'll put an example using anime character archetypes. Excuse my fucking otakuness. Honor students, teacher's pets, student council presidents. These people, and by people I mean girls, are depicted in anime as smart, sexy with a minimal breast size of D cup, and are somehow seductive--if not strict. Izmy is not like that. She's more like the protagonist's nerd-ish love interest, minus the shy part.
Izmy never, ever, ever, EVER got a bad mark. She's like, the most excellent example for academic performance, despite having missed class frequently. I believe this was the trait she inherited from entering Al-Azhar. You see, around my circle of social interaction, this Islamic school has always been associated with good morals and high scores. And because of that, I eventually believe it too. After I graduated elementary school, whenever I don't see anyone I know around, I always ask where they went--which school do they attend to.
Some of the smart Islam students go to Al-Azhar. I never went there myself, but my friends that went there tell me their stories. I cannot say for sure if whatever they said was true because there are various differences in stories that I've heard, but its still interesting. Perhaps each Al-Azhar is different? I don't know.
***
Dillon and I have been close friends for the longest time, longer than anyone I know that isn't blood related. We've been friends since the 3rd grade of elementary school, until now. That's about 8 years, more or less. Sure, as time went by we lost connection, but we still meet up sometimes. In his house, of course.
He attended junior high and highschool in Al-Azhar. His behaviour is consistent with what I believe to be the standard Al-Azhar behavior. Religious, smart, and polite. But he still retains his non responsive attitude. Cool, laid back, and relaxed.
Since I entered my senior year, he would sometimes show me something new about the world whenever I stop by his place. Most of the time, the subject is related to science. If I don't understand, he would explain it to me. To be honest, my pride is sometimes strained during these events. The scientific world explained by a person who delve in social science, politics, and economic studies, to me who studies applied science and the likes of biology and such. But its okay, I like it when he explains stuff. If it was someone else, I'll probably feel annoyed by my own ignorance.
But a different thing happened to Fadil. Fadil is a student from the IPS class. He's not that bright but he's funny as hell. I always thought of him as "the other side of Al-Azhar" because, sure he's religious and all that but he doesn't fit in. He's just passing by before kicking himself out of the school. He's kind of like me, but less of a social outcast.
He was an Al-Azhar student before entering the homeschooling community. The first time I ever met him was at Dillon's house. I've written this before, so I won't tell you again. When Fadil first joined HSKS, he was like a sickly baby. He said there's something wrong with his stomach (ripped insides or something) and it was caused partly from his stress dealing with the people of Al-Azhar. Although I hardly believe his story, I know stress can make you sick so I let his story slide. Whenever I saw him I always thought "That guy is close to dying, seriously." But over time, he gets better and starts laughing.
***
Both Izmy and Fadil told me the people who studied there isn't as good as most people perceive them to be. This part of UntimedOD is supposed to be about those behaviours, but I don't have proof so I can't really say much. But I do know that they weren't lying, because I would realize if they were.
Hm...
In the end, I didn't write anything bad about Al-Azhar's "other side" but I believe someone out there knows the truth. I'm not saying its a universally bad place with a good cover, I'm saying that Al-Azhar isn't all candy and rainbows. There's a bad side to everything, even if its just a little.
-Aex
Wednesday, January
28/01/2015
Witty blog post.
Just kidding.
Hey there, boys and girls.
Today might be the last day of school, because after I went home earlier today, I'm officially on vacation. I'll be doing the National Exam in 10 days. The next 10 days would be what the teachers call as the "Calm Week" like the calm before a storm. I mean, having some days not going to school is great and all, but how am I gonna spend it? The obvious answer is of course by studying because, well, this is the National Exams here we're talking about. Another option is by doing something else. I'll probably waste my precious time doing the latter.
tl;dr
I'll be having a 10 day vacation before facing National Exam and I don't know what to do with it.
Fucking hell. I'm scared as shit. You boys and girls might not be able to see it (of course you can't) but beneath this relaxed face is a swirling tornado of negative emotions.
*slap!* Geto your shito togezeru, Aekkusu! *slap!*
*Ahem!*
I'll probably waste my time playing video games and watching anime. I still have to finish Players Chapter 1 Part 2/2. After I finish it, I'll merge it with the 1st part.
I also think Azerres is better than just Zerres.
Lynmere Azerres Light
Lynmere Zerres Light
See? And it sounds better too. I'll probably gonna edit the 1st part a bit.
And the new UntimedOD is almost finished too. Title: Izmiyah Afaf, Al Azhar's good name, and the bad behavior hidden behind it.
Its a 3 section post, and I gotta finish the 3rd part soon so I can post it together with Players Chapter 1 part 2/2.
And I gotta trim my fingernails, they're tapping the screen loudly as I'm typing this--I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TYPING ANYMORE!!!
Argh!
*pant...*
Anyway, I'll try to write more frequently as I have fuck tons of free time.
See you later.
Witty farewell.
And this is totally not an April Fool's joke, because it was yesterday.
Monday, March. 02/03/2015 18:54
Hello, boys and girls, its me again.
Today I got told that I passed every subject except for Indonesian. I wanna live in America now, because I cannot speak Indonesian, apparently.
But wasn't that amazing? I didn't fail Math, Physics, Biology, Chemistry, Civics, and English. Because of that I only attend Indonesian review and went home. I get one day off. There's extra class, actually, but I didn't care. I don't wanna stick around for too long.
Tuesday, March. 03/03/2015 14:31
Whenever I wanted to write something, whether if its these entries or fictional stories, several conditions must be met. I get inspiration if I:
*don't have my phone with me. Ah, fuck. This seems to be the number one inspiration trigger.
*am on a trip. Also very rare.
*am in the bathroom. Obviously, I won't have my phone with me.
And many more that I myself don't know. Often times more than one condition must be fulfilled in order for me to get inspiration.
Since I didn't have school today, I made up my mind to dedicate this day only for writing and experimenting. Put it simply, I tried to simulate the conditions above as much as possible, but it didn't work because I still have my phone with me. I guess I'll just let things slide naturally then.
Sunday, March. 08/03/2015 23:45
Last night Audrey chatted me that she has read my blog post and told me something about the keychains. She didn't receive it. That's why nothing came up online. I asked her about her dad and told her about his car that I saw, she confirmed it was her dad's. She said her dad didn't know anything when she asked him about it after she read my blog post. Earlier tonight I discussed this with my brother and he had a few theories. Some that I remember are:
*Audrey's dad actually forgot about it, forgot where he put it, forgot who he got it from. Its the most innocent theory, and it's actually possible.
*Audrey's dad is being a stereotypical protective father over her daughter. He doesn't want Audrey to be in a relationship at the moment. Makes sense.
Regardless, I'm really bummed right now. But at least I learned a lesson. I should give important personal gifts directly to make sure it gets through. I didn't know why I gave the keychains to a stranger. If I wanted to give it to her, I should've gone through with it. Instead I panicked and got spooked by a stranger who turned out to be Audrey's dad. I made the assumption that he was her dad without thinking clearly. I should've made small talks, made sure who he was before handing them.
Now, chatting with her felt really weird. Well, after having a period of time not communicating with each other, who wouldn't? I felt awkward. I missed her, but I couldn't say that right off the bat, can I?
"Hey, its been a while."
"Yeah, I missed you."
Awkward...
Our conversation was really short, or at least, I felt it wasn't enough. I guess I was too formal, but that's a weak excuse. I should've asked rhetorical questions, but I was afraid I might annoy her. I think my best course of action is to be an NPC. Only act if its requested.
Ah, but there's not much that I can do either. *sigh*
Thursday, March. 12/03/2015 12:19
I was gonna say "Hey, boys and girls." But I already said that on the top. I thought I say that too much, almost every time after I write the date and time. That's why I deleted some of them on the above. Anyway, I wanna talk about something, and this is actually an Untimed OD material thing but after seeing there's an increasingly larger time gap between entries, I decide to put it here.
I have one pet peeve, among other things: Vagueness. Or purposelessness? Maybe?
I realized something this week: I cannot live without purpose, a clear purpose. I need routines. Without it, I'll break. I always ask for schedule as clear as possible. I also can't improvise when facing an unclear task. What a lame person, huh?
Like they say, "A mind without purpose will wander in dark places."
Maybe that's why I like my PSP so much, it gave me a false sense of purpose. You know, making progress and killing bosses. Its also addicting, its something to do if I don't have any task, or waiting for the next agenda in my schedule to start.
And maybe that's why I don't talk much to people, its not on my subroutine. For what purpose? I don't know. Idle talk is good, but I don't- and I can't, gain anything from it. But I also think this is just another excuse for an antisocial person to use.
I'll talk about what happened this week, I think it'll shed some light on the matter. I said I passed every subject aside from my own language, right? On Monday, I had an Indonesian remedial. The remedials start at 1 o'clock because underclassmen were having mid-semester test. I arrived at 8 on purpose.
I watched YouTube for 3 hours then the remedials are open. I knew after I finished I'll be free, no school, at least until Friday. I finished it quickly and felt some weight has been lifted, but I wasn't totally at ease. Before I turn in my paper I thought to myself, what am I gonna do while on vacation?
After I gave my paper, I asked the teacher for the upcoming week's schedule. As I had expected, she didn't know shit. Before I went home, Fadil shouted something at me. It's something along the lines of: "you're done, right? You're staying home tomorrow, right? I challenge you to come to school!" I accepted it, because I wanted to bring my laptop to torrent a movie, and laugh at him and Adit for having so many remedials. I promised Fadil I'd laugh at him, and I did.
I was relieved he challenged me. He gave me something to do. At home, I felt some kind of emptiness. I need to do something, at least, until tomorrow comes, I thought. I wanted to write but I have no inspiration to do so, so I watched anime instead. Procrastination at its finest.
The next day, Tuesday, I arrived at school and searched for an empty class to use my laptop. I ended up using the room I used to watch YouTube yesterday. I torrent said movie, and played my PSP as I wait until 1 o'clock. I was trying to accomplish as many task as possible at school that day. Finish as many quests in Monster Hunter, torrent a movie, laugh at Adit and Fadil, get some information about next week's schedule, and find out the materials I need to study for end-semester test.
The teacher said the exams starts next week, but she didn't give the exact schedule like what subjects are there gonna be on Monday, etc, etc. I also have two days off, Wednesday and Thursday (today). I made a conclusion they're gonna give the exact schedule tomorrow. She then said the materials for the tests can be downloaded from their website.
All I did for the last two days are just watching anime. I finished two series, one with the second season. Now, I don't know what to watch. Yesterday my plan was to be productive. Draw and write, stuff like that, but I didn't.
Sunday, March. 15/03/2015 05:49
This is probably the earliest I woke up by myself in years. I'm sick, I caught a cold. I slept at 11 and only stayed asleep for 4 hours. I woke up at around 3 and proceeds to roll around in bed for another hour before finally getting up to use the toilet. Now, I'm sitting on the sofa.
Last night before I went to bed, after I got out of the bathroom, there was a cockroach outside the bathroom. I killed it, dumped the body in the bin. Then, a few minutes ago before I used the toilet, there is another cockroach inside the bathroom. I killed it and flushed its dead body.
I started to think there might be an infestation in my house. I shuddered in fear, just the thought about it. But that thought soon disappeared, because I felt a weird sensation when the base of my foot touched the cold floor. I think back to the last time I got up this early. I can't remember it clearly, but I'm sure it was when I'm still in elementary school. Got up very early just to watch morning cartoon. Then saying goodbye when my parents go to work. So nostalgic.
Wednesday, March. 18/03/2015 17:30
The rainy season is over. Now is the dry season.
Today is the third day of end semester test week and might also be the last day of my internet activity. I'm not gonna stop using the web altogether, no, its just that dad's company is on the verge of death. I got a message from costumer service, saying my internet services are going to be stopped completely tomorrow, the 19th of March. And tomorrow is my brother's birthday.
What a bummer.
I've told you boys and girls that I won't write during exams, right? But I need to get some stuff out of my chest, one of them being the internet thing I've already said above.
So, on Sunday, my dad got sick. He was sweating heavily in bed when he was taking a nap. Its almost like he took a shower. I was watching YouTube when suddenly dad got up and ran to the bathroom. He threw up. He did that several times until mom put him in bed. Mom said to me he suffers from vertigo. The next day they both didn't go to work.
My brother got a week of vacation. Nothing really special, he just plays the computer all day as usual. On Monday, the first day of end semester exam, mom, dad, and my brother stayed at home. On my usual route to school, there's a construction. They're building a flyover near the river, and its jamming the traffic so bad, I have to take another route and circle around back. Basically, the distance got more than doubled. Its been like this since February.
The route brings back memories. You see, on my way to school I always go out of my housing complex through the same route. On the exit, I could choose to go along the river or go over the bridge. Back when I was still in my old school, I always go through the bridge since elementary school until the day I got kicked out. 8 years. Since I started going to HSKS, I always go along the river.
Now, since there's a traffic jam because of the flyover construction, I had to use the bridge route. When I get to the bridge, I felt an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. I felt like a kid who always look down on the traffic on the highway from the side the bridge every morning on my way to school for 8 years straight again. This is the route to my old school.
After I went over it, I went under it. This also brings back many memories. In my kindergarten days, before I live where I'm living now, I live in a contracted house. This is the route to that old housing complex. This is also the route to my friend's house, I call him Nugi. I think he's the person who got me into pornography. He's a complicated person. He's smart, perverted, likes to joke around, and religious. Weird as hell.
As I go along this path, I must take a detour midway, to another path leading to another one of my friend's house. His name is Jagad, meaning Galaxy in Indonesian. He's the person that deepens my love for the Monster Hunter series. He's a very, very, very strong person. He's a monster in physical exercise. He's also very kind, and very rich. His father is a military general.
21:35
My parents got home and dad asked me about today's exam. I said it was hard. Then dad asked me if I'm feeling unwell, maybe because I'm just laying around in bed with a depressed expression pasted on my face as I watch a BMX freestyle show. I don't feel unwell, but maybe I'm just kind of sad for no reason. Maybe its because of all these nostalgic feelings.
There's a lot of things that I've forgotten. A lot of confusing things. Like, what made me change from a social person, to who I am now? I remember my 7th grade class meeting after finals. I hang out a lot with my friends after the exam. How am I able to do that? That's not like me at all. I also remember my 8th grade class meeting after finals. There's no one around, everyone is on vacation even though its not the holidays yet. I was alone the whole day, drawing doodles on my book in class. It was a sunny week. I wished it stayed like that forever. And now I want it to happen again, seriously.
23:04
I'm going to post this now. No more internet tomorrow, and getting WiFi is hard. I'm going on a hiatus, maybe. Maybe I'll stop writing about my life for a while and focus about other things, like stories and untimed sections which has been abandoned for quite a while.
So, yeah.
I'll see you when I see you.
-Aex
Monday, February. 09/02/2015 22:21
Hey, boys and girls. A little something: my elbow was bitten by either a caterpillar or a centipede, didn't care which one, and it burns. Don't worry, I killed it. Its been burning for 3 hours now and I decided to put ice on it, so I'm writing this only with my right hand because my left hand is holding the ice cube.
Today, school was absolute shit. I had to dash through the rain and flood on my way to and from school. And there was Adit being the absolute trash of a talker that he is. I intended to finish things quick and go home but, yeah, it was raining. It rained so hard you might think someone poured buckets of water on top of you alone. Lucky thing is, I get to go home 3 hours earlier because it has been raining nonstop from 3 in the morning until 8 at night, which was 2 hours ago. The teachers feared their house might get flooded.
When I got home, I took a bath. Yes, I took a bath at 1 o'clock and decided not to take a bath again later in the evening.
Ah, yes. Uncle Eko stayed at my house since Friday night and have left earlier today at 7 tonight. He's a car dealer of some sort. I've never written anything about him in here before, mostly because he usually stayed for less than a day to pick up cars but this time he stayed for 4 days and it was a first for me.
The reason I brought him up is because of his occupation. It dawned on me that this thing he does is actually the same with what my colleagues are always talking about, including Adit. (Ugh...) Its about making profit, and it doesn't require a high degree of education. It only needs the supply demanded and some capital. Of course, I might be wrong, but screw that.
Heh, you know, I always come to school never really expecting or judging anything but when my acquaintances came to class I almost always thought to myself this despite my half-assed works at school, "I came to school because I cared about the things that actually fucking mattered, unlike these guys."
But I was looking with one eye closed. When I really think about it, these people that I labeled as useless and stupid are actually leagues ahead of me. I thought about school, getting good scores, graduating. They thought about getting a livelihood, university, hobby. I never thought that far ahead.
22:58
Sorry, I had to take a break from writing because I don't know what to make of the above paragraph. I'm so ashamed. Damn it all. Let's move on.
Recently mom took me for a tour in one of the university she entered me. I was in a bad mood for the whole trip to the location because she kept talking about it, knowing that I DON'T want to talk about it, but I left kind of relieved. Still stressed though. Whenever I thought about it, it only freaks me out.
Let's call the place UB. The place was nice overall, its close to a shopping district- actually, I think its one with the area. Its also close to a sports center, and I could walk for a few minutes to my dad's office. The thing is, the university majors that I wanted to take, or rather, my parents encouraged me to take because my former self is so damn intelligent, is not available there. Architecture and/or Civil Engineering.
A few days after the trip, my parents had my personal documents and academic scores legalized (legalisir KTP dan rapot sekolah) to be sent to the universities. Mom picked my hobby. What the hell. Reading? Barely. Ugh.
And shortly after that I had to make a choice regarding the major I wanted to take. So here's the story:
"My parents are going to visit grandpa's grave along with the other relatives whose existence I'm not aware of. With the date of their departure and the university's score judging entry (or whatever that is) closing in, mom wanted me to make a decision. A premature decision about the university major I'm gonna take. I thought "fuck it" and picked Mass Media Management only because I could become a freelance photographer and a paid blogger. My dad added Management to the majors I'm taking. Regular economy management, as a back up in case I fucked up being a freelance worker so I could become at least a manager like my dad. He did that without my consent, but what do I care, right? As if I have any say against my dad regarding this seemingly important decision that could possibly dictate the direction of my life. I didn't achieve the passing grade for architecture and civil engineering anyway, so, whatever."
Since that day onward I began to write more frequently since internet connection is rather scarce for me. At home I write random pieces of stories that I might finish, but the chance drops significantly because of my laptop and PSP. I kept playing offline games. At school I write almost all my notes and exercises twice. The first one is a shitty draft littered with random drawings and I used slangs and acronyms a lot.
The second one is a proper note, and maybe an overkill because I rewrite everything and added extra stuff in it. I used big and proper words, added some relevant informations from my old text book, and I tried (and I mean really fucking tried) to make my writing look good. Because I'm telling you, it looks like shit.
I did that, thinking it would train my hand to do better at writing and hopefully, drawing. I saw short videos on Instagram of people drawing and they did it in one go. Draw a head? Fucking draw a head, and without doing any line twice. If I wanted to make just a single line, I would take me 5 pen strokes and it wouldn't get anywhere near straight. It would look jagged. I mean, fuck, man.
*sigh* I got a little bit emotional. Moving on. Uh... every time I say something along the lines of "moving along, lets move on." or whatever, it actually goes further into the past or around the past, since I write these a week later than I had planned and because I have such a bad memory regarding timelines. I might screw up and wrote "moving along, let's move on." instead of "last week." Seriously, I remember the events, but not the time.
On Tuesday (03/02/2015 hehey I remember this.) I delivered the keychains I bought from Wonosobo for the whole AriaFams to Audrey. On that day, the moment I woke up I thought to myself "get your ass to her house and deliver the fucking gifts. It matters not whether you met her or not." and with that set in stone, I went swimming in the evening and walked to her house after that.
When I was undressing myself *ooh, suggestive description* I realized my swimming goggle is gone. I asked the pool lifeguards about it but they didn't find anything. I realized if I left it at home I would've found it before I departed, and if I left it at the pool someone would've found it and took it home with them. I searched through my bag and used my old goggles and carried on swimming. I told dad straight up about it before he said anything because he always get upset over small stuff like this.
After swimming, I walked to Audrey's house. I walked like I never walked before. I was still tired from the pool, but I was determined to deliver the keychains to Audrey. Mission complete? Pretty much. I didn't met her personally but I think met her father at her front door. I'm not sure if its her father, though. He's an old man, that's for sure. I gave the keychains to him, and he asked for my name. I said my name is Axel. Sorry, Axel. :/
The thing is, there's almost no reaction on the internet. I became a stalker as I usually do but I found nothing. Well, at least I don't have to worry about those keychains getting lost on my place.
The reason I delivered them is that I'm going to university, and my free time wouldn't be as much as it is now. Hell, I might not be able to swim once a week anymore. And so I gave it before my chance is up. The other reason is because she has a significantly better chance to distribute the gifts around AriaFams. She has more time, even though she is swamped with all her school work, she's still going to be around for the next 2 years. My time will be up in September later this year.
So, Audrey, if you read this, and I hope you do, please give them to the other members. Its okay to do it at your own pace, you have all the time in the world.
With that said, for some time I had a feeling that the keychains didn't actually get to her. Mind you, I didn't gave it to her directly but her father or whoever. But I had faith. Its all that mattered.
Sunday, February. 15/02/2015 23:30
Hey, what's up, boys and girls? Doing fine, I hope.
So a few hours ago, I got told by mom that there's gonna be a 3 day tryouts starting tomorrow, she got a message from school officials. I thought, "what tha fack why didn't they tell me earlier!?" So I got online and asked my classmates around about it. They knew about it.
I have this bad habit of going home 2 hours before I am actually permitted to go home on Fridays. Hell, I mean, why the fuck not? If there's something that's actually meaningful to do, I would stay. But there's not, so I went home without the teacher's permission. I do this every Friday since my first week here. My classmates usually stay because they have people to talk to or whatever activities that they do after school. They told me they got notified before going home, and I didn't know because I left 2 hours earlier.
Yeah, so, I got mad. I got mad at my classmates because of my bad habit. Fuck logic, right? And now I'm typing this at my bed.
The actual reason why I write these things now is because I got reminded of my junior highschool days. I'm gonna write a small portion of it now, here, because it made me laugh. I originally planned to write this on an Untimed post, but fuck it. I bet if my brother saw me laughing he would think me crazy for laughing at night for no reason. Also, this might make no sense to you boys and girls because it was kind of my junior highschool's tradition. And an Indonesian thing.
Again, this might not make any sense. You've been warned.
I got mad and tried to sleep. I tried to think of happy thoughts and suddenly a word pops in my head "KUWAT!" And I started giggling. There was a guy whose name was Bintang and his father's name was Kuwat Santoso. There's another guy whose name is Alif Brahmasta and his father's name is Suparwanto. There's also this other guy whose name I cannot remember but I know his nickname, Kiki, and his father's name was Sape'i something. We used to call and make fun of other people's parent's name as insults and sometimes its pretty damn funny. So Kiki used to shout "KUWAAAT!" and Bintang would in turn scream "SA-PE-I-DERMAAAN!" As if he's calling out Spiderman. I would laugh all the time, I just giggled by thinking about it. Alif would also do the same and Bintang would usually counter it by putting both his fist up and doing an acapella of Superman's theme song, or he would yell "SUUUPAR!" Or he'll just do a quick "Suparwanto!" And walk away. Kiki was fine, he didn't get provoked that much but Alif and Bintang was like cats and dogs. They're close, and thought of it as some kind of 'provocative joke'. There was one time that Bintang greeted me and I said "what?" He then kind of raged, "the fuck, man, I was just saying hi!" It was a misunderstanding that was quickly straightened, but since that day, Kiki and Alif would sometimes say "Ku..." whenever Bintang shows up and he would call out both their parent's name in return. Those were the good days...
Saturday, February. 28/02/2015 22:47
What's up, you guys? I've been better. No, I'm not sick, I'm just a bit stressed. I hope you boys and girls stay healthy and are doing better than me.
Wow, quite the time gap, huh? Its almost two weeks since the last portion of this entry.
I promised myself to not write anything during Exam Weeks, and I went through two exam weeks in a row. Back to back. Oh, man. I don't wanna talk about those times, seriously. But hey! I got through. The reason I don't wanna write during those periods is because of mood swings. I'm afraid my mood swings during exam weeks would alter my memories and made me write lies and such.
I still write, but only time markers and reminders. Now, I'll go over the last couple of weeks in order. There's not much to tell about my daily life, but I remember some events that made lasting impressions.
Monday, 16th February. The first day of the third tryouts week. I got told by the teacher I passed the second tryouts week by a small number, which was 65/55 minimum. I was so happy, maybe because I didn't pass my first tryouts week with ~45/55 minimum as my final score. If I remember correctly, Izmy got 67/55. Naufal got the same as me. Adit got 62/55. That 3 point difference with Adit's score makes the victory all the more enjoyable, even if we're not competing. If I didn't pass, my spirit would probably be broken and I'll fail the third tryouts week as well. I'm still waiting for the results.
Thursday, 19th February. Lunar new years. Year of the Goat in the Chinese calendar. One day off for everyone. While everyone enjoys their vacation, my family went on a trip to pick up my grandmother from mom's side and take her to the hospital. I didn't really know or understand what was going on, but I think grandma is gonna have her second breast cancer surgery. I got all worried because, well, my grandpa from dad's side passed away 3 months ago. I don't know how she's doing right now. I just hope grandma's okay. Grandma lives temporarily in my mom's brother's house. In this house, after such a long time, I finally meet Gilang again, my cousin from mom's side. When I was little I looked at him as a role model, even though I never knew what he was like beside his looks. Now, my brother and I are taller than him. Its funny, I used to think of him as the tallest man in the world. I wished I knew more about him than just about how he finished college recently.
Monday, 23rd February. For some reason, I woke up very early. How do I know? My brother haven't departed for school when I went out. Usually mom, dad, and my bro have already gone to their workplace/school by the time I wake up. Yeah, I'm not a morning person. Nothing special that day except for the local store near school closing down. I never had breakfast at home, always at school along with lunch. With my food source gone, I'm really gonna have to chew my gum longer.
Tuesday, 24th February. I apologized to Jacinda.
Big surprise, huh? Believe me, I was surprised too. By her appearance and by what I did.
That day was the second day of mid semester exam. I've finished my physics test but I'm sure I'll fail it. I don't want to turn it in to the teacher yet, so instead of checking my answers one more time, I used my spare paper- which was where I'm supposed to do my calculations, to draw doodles. I got bored, and I wanted to go home. I took a quick glance at the glass door behind me and I saw a familiar figure walking by. I gave my worksheet to the teacher and pack up. As I was getting my stuff, Jogi went outside and suddenly it seemed like he talked to a girl. A voice I recognize.
...This is turning into a romance novel.
Anyway, I went out to the lift. I passed a couple of classrooms and in the one next to the lift, I saw Jacinda sitting near the door. I approached her and said sorry about, you know, that time. It wasn't even a proper apology. I didn't shook her hand, I said it as fast as possible. That was so bad. So bad. Ugh. And like a dumbshit, I asked her "Do you accept my apology?" With the straightest poker face I could make. She said yes, and I nodded. Then I walked away and went home.
I couldn't stop thinking about her until I went home. She was really beautiful, you know. And for being the short girl that she is, she actually got really nice, round, big boobs. I mean, dude, that's really something else. I guess what was making those things really noticeable was her clothing. Although I knew since the first time I met her, her big boobs would catch anyone's eyes regardless of what she's wearing, even more if she's not wearing anything. She was wearing normal highschool uniform with all the button up shirt, the knee length skrit, and all that make up. She was really different from all the folks around her. We don't wear uniforms, and girls don't use make ups.
Now, I was originally gonna write about a curse I had, but I'll have to cut it short here because I'm gonna post this. Its the end of the month, afterall.
I call it, The J Curse.
I always have bad relationships with girls with J as their initials. Jessica and Janice in junior highschool, Jacinda in highschool, I really hope Jane from AriaFams wouldn't be my enemy. And I also hope that my encounter with Jacinda somehow ended that curse.
Anyway, aside from all those talk about boobs, I got nothing. I'll end this for now. See you later, at the end of March.
-Aex
Also, as I was just about to post this, my teacher told me that my scores for Math, Physics, Biology, and Chemistry passed. How amazing is that!? I mean, what the actual fuck, man!? Wow! Although my Civics, Indonesian, and English scores are yet to be announced, I'm happy enough.
-Later that morning in a particular room at a large mansion-
A teenage boy is preparing himself for highschool. He wears sky blue school uniform with a black blazer covering it. His clothes are matched with dark blue cotton trouser. After locking his mansion's gate with several combination lock on the keypad, he walks to the nearby electromagnetic monorail station, departing to school. The morning sunlight passed through the windows to his silverly white hair as the train travels alongside an artificial river.
Hagakuren Highschool, or more commonly known as Haku Highs, has just started the first semester of 11th grade highschool. Inside the building, there are commotions in the halls. Many students are trying to find their names and what class they enter while looking at a notice board in the lobby. Meanwhile at the entrance gate, a brown haired glasses wearing teen is walking around near the front gate.
Fynsel seems to be waiting for someone anxiously, as he walks back and forth looking around and constantly checking his phone, reading a note- or a message. Not long after in class 11-E on the second floor, a slim, blonde ponytailed girl approaches a long black haired tall girl. "We're in the same class again, unbelievable!" Said the blonde, while the tall girl thought, "Unbelievable indeed..."
"Hey hey, Vania, aren't you excited we're in the same class again for another year?"
"I don't mind being with you, Lia. Its just- never mind..." Vania says as she sits in the back of the class near the window.
"What is it? You can tell me."
"You always dump your homework on me. You have to pull your own weight, you know?" She said to Natalia, who seems like she's trying to avoid that topic.
"Aww, come on. A-anyway!" Lia tries to dodge the lecture with her excuses, but Vania doesn't seem to care. She looks outside as Natalia talks away. "Whatever..."
***
The bell has rung and the first period is just about to start. All the students go to their class and soon the halls become quiet and empty. A shapely female teacher enters and walks to the front of the class, writing her name on the touchscreen whiteboard with her finger instead of the stylus. "My name is Destine Birdsong and I will be your homeroom teacher. I teach Mathematics." Some male students seem to be excited about it, about having a hot teacher. While others only sigh in annoyance.
Miss Destine looks around the class with a piercing gaze which seems to have silenced the students. She clears her throat before giving a short announcement. "This year we have a lot of new transfers from-" Cutting her speech, knocks can be heard from outside. Miss Destine forgot to close the door. She looks outside and sees a seemingly tall and fit teenage boy standing outside. "I'm a transfer student. I'm sorry I'm late on my first day." The student said to the teacher. Inside the class, hearing a familiar voice, Fynsel smiled slightly and reaches for his pockets, trying to grab something.
After a long look at the new guy, Miss Destine gestured him to come inside. He slides the door shut as he walks in. The class was overcame with confusion. How could he be late on his first day? How did this hot teacher forgot to close the door but able to teach math? Why did the automatic sliding door didn't shut itself close? But more importantly, Why is his hair white?
"Class, as I was saying, this year we received many transfers from other schools. That is why the class roster is shuffled. Some of you might have or might not know each other. Now, we have a new addition to our class." Miss Destine goes to her seat. "Go introduce yourself, new guy. Then I'll check attendance." The boy stands in front of the class and took a quick look around the class, looking for anyone he might know. "Ahem. My name is Ly-" Miss Destine poked him with a whiteboard stylus, and gestured him to write his name on it.
***
Lynmere Zerres Light
"I'm Lynmere Light, people call me Lyn. I look forward to studying with you all." Small chatters can be heard from the students, along with chuckles and giggles.
From the back of the class, Natalia stood up and shouted, "Hey! Why is your hair white!?" She surprised the whole class, some wonder why his hair is white but none thought of asking him directly. Are you stupid? Vania thought. Her palm on her forehead.
"I was born like this." Lyn answers it easily. Unsatisfied with his short answer, Natalia challenges him.
"Prove it!" Lyn snaps his finger and suddenly from a seat in the middle, a student throws a scissors towards Lyn. Lyn caught it, however, and then proceeds to cut his bangs.
"How much do I need to cut my hair to prove that I was born like this?" Lyn holds out his hair that he cut, then throws them to the trash can. Silence ensues. Natalia sits down slowly. She still can't believe that someone threw him a scissors, and he caught it. The other students are in awe of his quick reflexes.
"That's enough, we're 10 minutes behind schedule. Lyn, take a seat." Miss Destine breaks the ice. She doesn't seem to be surprised or in any way impressed by the events that just happened. Lyn went outside for another 5 minutes and came back with a bandaged left palm.
"I cut my hand." He explained. Miss Destine only sigh in disbelief. Lynmere hands over the scissor to Fynsel and sits behind him. Both chuckles shortly, before focusing on their studies.
Adaptation Arc
Chapter 2: Silverly White
Part 1/2
***
Part 1 is done! But I haven't worked on part 2.
I have written many random parts waiting to be turned into a full story, but it needs time. Anyway, part 2 will come!
- Aex
Monday, January. 19/01/2015 22:23
First day of the fourth week and I already burnt through almost half of this week's budget. I couldn't actually say this yet but January has not been good to me.
I lost everything in my phone, seriously; dad's network is being merged with another company, meaning no internet since the third Saturday of January until God knows when; academic scores so low, I had to look underground; and university talks, enough said.
I couldn't remember anything beyond the 17th of January because whatever it is that I forgot was wiped out of my phone with everything else. I couldn't recover my sketches because I never backed them up, but I still have my fanfictions. I think I should call them "stories" instead of "fanfics" because its not based on anything.
The company my dad works at is being merged with another company since I think they're running out of business. I have to rely on WiFi instead of my data connection and I find this mildly irritating. One reason is because free WiFi is kind of hard to find in this place. The other reason is because it doesn't feel right to not be able to rely on myself and depend on other's WiFi. (read: too much pride to ask.)
On Saturday, there was a parents meeting and my class sold food and things. Boring stuff. The teacher told my parents about my tryouts score and it was horrible.
Score needed to pass: 55/100
English: 85/100
Math 18/100 holy shit
Civics: 50~60/100
The other 4 subjects: somewhere around 20/100
I don't really feel bad for doing so badly because- let's be honest here, it was to be expected. I do feel bad (or maybe scared), however, because my parents were there and they make me feel bad.
Tuesday, January. 20/01/2015 14:01
I got hit by the rain on my way home like it has always been since the beginning of January. Anyway, tomorrow I'm gonna face the second tryouts until Friday. I have a strong feeling I'll fail again, but whatever. I'm too tired to care at this point. Life came at me faster than I can handle them, so I'll just let the waves crash onto me. I'll manage somehow, like I always do.
January hasn't passed yet but I already felt like shit at school. There's nothing for me there except for the boring knowledge. Friends? No, only classmates and acquaintances. It feels nice to see the rain from the class' window, but not so much if I'm in the rain itself.
Saturday, January. 24/01/2015 15:57
Thursday night, my dad told me about grandpa. He still couldn't believe his death. To quote him, it happened so quickly. My grandpa died of heart attack, but there was no sign of it. He just had conversations with grandma 15 minutes before he died. The last mention of any indication of his heart's condition was 5 years ago.
Dad still thought there is another meaning to all this. "Mungkin ada hikmahnya." He said. I asked him about the other meaning to his death and he told me to imagine. What would happen if grandma died first? There would be no one at home to report or something if grandpa had a heart attack. He would die, and no one would know. They would find his body days or even weeks later.
Grandma lives alone now, but my father's brother comes to her house to company her. In February, my parent's are gonna visit grandpa's grave, along with dad's brother. Dad's sister are going to come home too from America.
Monday, January. 26/01/2015 16:05
I just had a talk about how parents' love never ends with my old teacher. This teacher "Ibu Rifah," I usually call her "Burif," was once my elementary school teacher. We talked about his late father and my late grandfather. It might be the first time I cried while talking about grandpa.
It was eye opening. I remember last week when dad told me about how he still can't let his father go because it happened so fast, and so far away too. Burif's father died not too far away from her. She cared for his father like her own son, because he was so old. He died on November, now Burif has let him go.
She still cries if she remember him in the small things he used to do. Burif's father used to pick up his grandchildren after school, now they have to walk home. And sometimes she cries when she saw them going home walking because it reminded her of her father.
Tuesday, January. 27/01/2015 20:18
Mom said she entered me for a university that I don't even know by using the report card or something. She said I don't have to do any test, only surrender my fate to my report cards. I instantly felt weakened. I dropped to my bed and lied down there for a couple of minutes. My heart was beating like crazy. I'm nervous, scared to think about it.
She gave me the brochure and it said that I'll just have to give my report card from the last 5 semester and with an average score of 70. I read through my report card, and i can see my average is around 73-77 so its okay, but I realized something in the other page.
So the layout is like this: the scores are in the left page, and there's some kind attitude judgement thing on the right page. Measuring consistencies of my humor, flexibility, responsibility, bravery, love (what even?), friendliness, and a bunch of other things that I can't remember.
The consistency is measure in 2 words, consistent and inconsistent. As I go from the first to the fifth semester I saw how all the ratings slowly go from consistent to inconsistent one by one. First semester, 1 inconsistency, second semester, 3 inconsistencies. And so on.
Man, what a way to know about my decline in progress.
Wednesday, January. 28/01/2015 14:52
I tried to take a nap but I can't sleep. I am dead tired, and I can't sleep. Huh.
School was exhausting. Today was traditional games day, and I have to play 3 games, bentengan (I couldn't find the English wiki page :/), dampu, and gangsing. When I was out to get breakfast, I met Kiran at a mini market and we tag along the whole day. I played dampu once and failed, then I played bentengan, I lost twice. I fell many times when playing bentengan, the game wrecked me. Haha.
I hurt my left elbow, my left knee, my right torso, sprained my right thigh, and it still hurts now, 4 hours after I arrived home. I took a long break and missed the gangsing session but I didn't plan on playing it anyway. Kiran went home first and my whole left arm was abused by a kid because I deleted his photos of me in his DSLR camera.
I went home, dead tired and hurt. I changed clothes because I sweat through my shirt and my jacket. Then I tried to take a nap.
When I tried to nap, my mood was beyond rock bottom. I thought of giving up on Audrey and planned to write a list of everything I hate because of everything. I was hurt, mentally and physically. I remember how Kiran showed me his drawings, how I humiliated myself because I don't know the rules of bentengan, and there was Adit. Enough said.
I couldn't sleep, so I woke up and ate lunch and watched tv. These small activities cleared up my mind. I remember leaving AriaFams chat group in BBM and Line last night. The group was dead, no doubt about it. Most of the time the only people chatting are Angel and Audrey, that was weeks ago. Go back a bit and there's me chatting. Axel disappeared way, way back. Jane never joined.
I planned on giving Audrey one last visit to give her the gift I've bought from Wonosobo for all of Ariafams, then that's it, I'll become a stalker again. I wanted to give her the gifts tomorrow but seeing that I'm injured now, dad probably won't let me swim.
At first I thought I was just in a bad mood and even though she didn't have anything to do with it, I got angry about her too. But now that I've calmed down, it seemed logical to leave her. (even though there's nothing between us in the first place anyway)
I used a stereotype to put logic into: Why do guys like to look at boobs *hmm* and girls like diamonds?
I thought about it for a while. Yes, I really did. I was bored.
I like to look a boobs. (No shit.) Males like to do it because big boobs and ass usually signifies fertility, therefore securing the bloodline. You know, passing genes. Sex. *ahem.*
Don't worry, I won't judge Audrey. Mostly because I can't, and I don't remember how her body looks like.
Now, into the 'girls like diamonds' thing. If I see a rich girl (or a girl with expensive items) would think either:
- she's rich. (How? She plays online games and sells in-game stuff for real money. She doesn't need money from her parents except for starting the business. Or she steals.)
- her parents are rich. (Either she's a bitch that constantly begs for it, or her parents are overly generous even if she doesn't ask for it.)
- her boyfriend is rich and gives her stuff. (If you really, really love the girl, hell, why not? Or the guy gives stuff expecting sex. *cough*)
But despite all those, logically you'll try and get rich guys because it affords security. He can afford to school your kids until college and support your family's life, and afford actual security.
Judging myself, I wouldn't be able to support a family. Now? Obviously, I can't. In the future? The chance goes up, but I don't think its high enough.
So putting aside all and any kinds of feelings, its logical for me to leave Audrey because of my inabilities to secure our future. Or to put it from another perspective, its logical for Audrey to not be with me because if she does, she'll only put herself in impending danger.
But throw your feelings into the mix, and...
I have to be honest, I wouldn't be able to think of a reason, excuse or whatever to leave her. But I certainly don't know about what she would think.
The purpose of publishing this thing is because I wanted to vent, and I'm testing the waters. Will people react? (You know who you are.) But I might be expecting too much.
I think I'll end this here. January is closing, I'll start a new OD in February. Since my dad's network died, I've been writing a lot. Maybe I'll throw in a story too.
- Aex
I accidentally wiped my phone clean. I lost all my fictions, whatever happened during the first half of January 2015, my music, everything.
I only can remember some things from the top of my head. I know for sure I played with knives and fire. And my academic scores were shit.
I have a backup but its from December 2014. My fictions won't change because I haven't added anything since November anyway.
I'm just giving a heads up, this isn't really important or anything. I'll come up with a new OD 28.
This is the first Untimed Online Diary. In this kind of posts I'll talk about certain topics instead of my daily days. For this one, I'll just talk about the recent ones like from a few weeks ago until OD 27.
This OD will have no time markers on it, but I do however, will write the time and date this was first written. There might not be another Untimed Online Diary, but then again, I might make another one. Who knows?
***
First I'm gonna talk about myself. One thing that I know for sure in life is that the hardest thing is identifying oneself. I've shamelessly asked many people about my behavior. Other than hot-headed and a loner, some called me funny, mysterious, or flat out cold. I'll agree on one thing: Back then, I have that cold side. Now though, I don't think I have it anymore. I just act cold, but I really thought about whatever that's happened in my head over and over, and over.
Call me naive but when I was still a kid I can be cold as shit regarding sad stuff or stuff in general. Probably because I don't understand them and I remember thinking, "I don't understand, so why should I care?" But I'm not cold all the time, mind you.
When I was a kid, people commented on my cruelty and called me a heartless because one time I shoot dogs and cats from my front porch or at the school gates with a bb gun. There was a street vendor selling toys in front of my old school, and I bought a bb gun and its pellets. I remembered it being like a Beretta 92. I said "relax man, its just a stupid dog/cat" whenever someone told me to stop.
During my days in elementary school I participated in extracurricular English lessons for around 3 years (needs confirmation) and eventually shot my teacher with said bb gun after saying "shut up, bitch." A phrase I learned from GTA:SA. She went out afterwards and I can't remember what happens next. I think I thought to myself to get rid of the evidence and broke the gun then throwing it to the bin.
Note: these 3 years is important to me because it laid the base for my English skills. During these years my English scores are way below average, now its 7-9/10 most of the time.
***
Why I'm bringing this cold hearted topic thing is because my grandfather has died and- call me cold but I didn't feel sad when he died. I don't know if that's gonna change, though. I don't know if I'm gonna change. I do feel weakened but it might be because I just got back from swimming.
I didn't really know grandpa because I only meet him once a year for maybe a week. Two weeks tops, and they're filled with family traditions so there's not much I can learn from him. I didn't really have the time to really talk with him. I never had the chance, or maybe I didn't take the chance, to talk to him. About anything, about him, or his days as a teenager or whatever. I never took the initiative. There's no personal space, because when its talking time, its over lunch and with distant relatives I barely know about. Surely you don't wanna talk about someone's past with people you barely knew about, right? Even if they're family.
To me, Darjono was a kind and a very discipline person. The way dad talks about him made the impression that he was once a harsh guy, but my dad looked up to him nonetheless. I don't really have a deep connection to him but I'm glad I knew him. I am proud to have known him, even if its just a little. I don't even know his last name.
I have this happy feeling because I never knew my grand father from my mother's side. He died when I was so little, maybe even before I entered elementary school. Its kind of annoying how my mom and her mom said when I was little, I liked him so much when I couldn't even remember his face.
I was told he died on 30/12/2014 some time around ashar prayer, so its around 16:00. He died because of a heart attack. Mom kinda said he was sleeping when he was dying because he snored. Though it might be his last breath instead. My mother received a call from my father to get an airplane ticket as fast as humanly possible. He was still alive around this time, and is on his way to the hospital. When my dad arrived home to pack up, he had already passed away. Then mom called me and you know what happens next if you read my previous entry.
Since dad left for a week to accompany his mother as she was still in grief, I had difficulties sleeping. I decided to write all this because I thought since I won't sleep until midnight, why don't I wrap everything that I haven't said in one post? Plus some extra stuff that's been abandoned in the drafts that had nothing to do with my everyday life. Opinions and thoughts. (Boom, origins of untimed online diary.)
I'm a Gemini and some astrological website thing said that I can be a good actor. I can't really tell what the hell I felt when my grandpa died, I didn't care that much about it but I had to act like it made me sad because I saw my father getting all teary and red-eyed but he tried not to cry. He tried to be strong in front of his sons.
His friends were present at my house as they were the ones that gave my father the ride back home and they too took him to the airport. I might be wrong but I saw awkwardness in them. And how could my father laugh when his father has just been declared deceased moments earlier? To cheer his friends? Isn't he's the one who's supposed to be sad? I don't understand.
But then again, I didn't feel sad about my grandpa. So who am I to question such things? I don't yet understand those kinds of feelings, so I couldn't possibly say that my father was wrong to act like that.
***
Long before the creation of this blog, I used to draw from time to time but I have stopped and my hand got stiff from all the video gaming. Since I entered 10th grade, whenever I have the urge to draw I usually don't know what to draw, so I just stayed still and stared blankly at my pen.
Audrey however has mad drawing skills and used it to the max by drawing frequently. But despite her skills she's still irritated by what all content-creator think as a nightmare: content stealing.
Now, Audrey herself never got her art stolen nor she ever has stolen any art, but her "friend" Jovita stole her ideas. This deal about Jovita stealing her- and other people's art ideas stressed Audrey out and she talked about it with me and Angel.
Call me empty but I am easily affected. I laugh when someone laugh without knowing what made them laugh, or I get angry by hearing other's misfortune.
At first I got kind of upset, but knowing that the internet is a harsh place and I'm not in any way a hacker, or even decent with technology, I did whatever I could do without raising too much drama. I blocked Jovita from my Instagram and reported her for copyright infringement. As you would expect, they didn't have any effect on her.
A few days later I kind of realized that she just stole the idea and made something out of it- in this case, a drawing, not outright stole the art. But still, something bothered me and I couldn't quite place my finger on it, so I Googled art theft (yes, I did that.) and came to an amateur detective conclusion. Hehe.
I for one can see that if, IF she looks at other people's art and implement the ideas within into her own piece, like the pose, or the background for a fan art I'm fine with that. More so if she credited them. But if you steal the internal part or signature part (I don't know how to say it) like ripping off character design, that is wrong. Its like, directly copying a unique eye pupil shape instead of making it an inspiration and making your own unique styled pupil.
At first I didn't really understand what I'm trying to say myself until I did another Google search and gained a somewhat better understanding regarding the matter from this link. Its a good read. You boys and girls should give it a read if you're content creators.
And now comes this part which I wrote kind of reluctantly because this involves talking shit about Audrey.
I thought her madness was weird and irrational. "why did she get mad for this?" Maybe because I never really had my creation stolen or used by other people, I would never understand. But then again, I do possess an unexplainable burning hatred towards someone, unexplainable even to me. You boys and girls should know who, so I won't bother calling names.
As Jovita's crimes continue on unchecked, Audrey began to lose her shit over these matters. She began taking screenshots for comparison. I saw Jovita's art and other people's art which Audrey sent to me and Angel and we can see the similarities. It seemed like Jovita is barely trying to cover her tracks. She obviously stole the pose- its hard to explain. Let's say she traced the art and replaced the subject with her own character.
Her own character, which is partially original. Ha. She stole the eye design from a person I don't know, but Audrey showed it to me. Jovita said the character's eye changes into that stolen design if it transformed into its ironically named "Origin Form." If someone said something like "the pose/weapon/clothes/whatever, it looks familiar, like my art." Or something, she'll just state that it was her own original idea with an extra dot in the end of the sentence. "Like this.." which further reassures me that she stole it... Sounds weird, huh...? Reading like this..... Hehe......
The things that I've picked up was also picked up by Audrey. At first she wanted to bring her down and proved to the public that she plagiarized their ideas, then she just wants to do offensive arts, ones that are offensive to her religion, since Jovita held her religion high with pride. But she couldn't bring herself to do it.
To be honest, I felt relieved she dropped it because I can't imagine Audrey being consumed by wrath just as I did. Becoming what I was. I can't lose her. In the end, though, Audrey said she will surpass Jovita in things she cannot do (or maybe, cannot copy. Since anyone can learn to do it.), like selling T-shirts with her drawing on it, or doing 3d modelling.
During Audrey's outrage I acted as if I agreed with her ideas, so far that I also gave her more ideas to do offensive arts and asking Angel about bad things in her religion, but in reality I didn't really care. I thought that, given enough time, Audrey will realize it herself. Realize that this is not gonna change anything, or maybe even make things even worse than it already was.
The day after I suggested those ideas I realized she's still upset about it and shown me a ripoff of her art, done by none other than Jovita. She's not taking my hints. Since that moment I try to subtly redirect her to the right direction, which leads to selling shirts and 3d models.
***
Aha, speaking of Angel... forgive me for talking shit, but I need to prolong this post by a bit.
Recently she has been trying to communicate in english just as I do but everything came about close to being correct, instead of entirely correct. But she does most of the time say short sentences correctly, usually phrases like common metaphors used frequently in the Internet.
She started doing these attempts since she started fangirling over Benedict Cumberbatch, trying to be as British as a fangirl could be. I don't really mind at first but she started retweeting her fangirling material at my Twitter timeline. I tolerated her, but as time went on it became kind of annoying. For your information, up until this is written, I've muted Angel for several weeks now.
At least she's better than Audrey's cousin (niece?) which I've talked about in one of my ODs but as an example only. Audrey's cousin, let's call her D, is a fujoshi and I'll bluntly say that she openly likes gay anime sex. Mind that this is only a summary of what I've seen and/or experienced. (Not the gay sex, oh god no.)
I'll go over to D first before going back to Angel to give you an idea of what I'm talking about. If I'm not mistaken, I didn't talk about D outside of making her an example, now I'll talk about her too, because why not. Haven't really say anything about her except for gay anime sex.
I followed her on Twitter for a time then unfollowed. I don't know her but Audrey does as she's her cousin. She would either go silent for days or go online nonstop. During the online period she would spam the timeline with short gay anime sex tweets. Like this paragraph but chopped to pieces and with many spaces in between. Example:
Tweet #1: " *tries to talk deep shit about gay anime sex*
what the fuck...
.
.
.
...am I saying?" This could be shorter but it seems she likes to blindly press enter in the middle of a tweet.
Tweet #2: " *common comment or retweet of gay anime sex* oh my gOD THIS IS
.
.
.
.
SO HOT wwwwww *insert said hot pic here. Use your head, readers.*" after I first saw this, I disabled picture preview. I put it back on during the last quarter of 2014. So its almost an entire year even though I followed D for less than 2 months- or maybe 2 weeks.
Almost all the spam came in those formats. Imagine if they come out at 4 tweets a minute for 3 hours. Fuck, I think I wrote "gay anime sex" too many times. Whatever, as long as I get my point across. Heh.
We're done with D, let's get back to Angel. Angel didn't really become like D, she just retweets the fangirl material but it makes her seems online nonstop, waiting for those tweets then retweeting them as soon as they come out.
Because of things like this, my following on Twitter is very few. Around 30 following for 70 followers. Yes, I am picky, but not private. I prefer if they tweet regularly at a certain time, like tv programs.
Aside from those retweets, she also tweets her own commentary or something, and in English. For an example: "I want quit" instead of "I want to quit." I get the message but still, it isn't correct and somehow funny. This is just a minor discomfort on my end and I just want to put it out there. Compared to her seemingly nonstop Twitter activity, her sub par English is alright.
This post dumb. Me smash rock now.
About D, if you're confused why I described her as a creature so low with no reason, its not because I hate her. No, sir. It's just that I'm disgusted by her kind.
I hope to never make another foolish decision like that ever again.
*shivers*
***
I guess that's it for this post. I'll see you boys and girls again in OD 28.
Aex, Thursday, January 1st, 2015. 18:01.
Wednesday, December. 17/12/2014 17:23
The last day of the first semester of XII-IPA grade. If you boys and girls ask me what it was like, I would say it was kind of a peaceful day overall.
The last 2 weeks was pretty meh to me because I had end semester tests and I failed 3 out of 7 subjects. I had a week of early vacation because I retried all 3 of those failed subjects in one day, but I wasted those precious vacation days not knowing that I can stay at home since I finished school anyway. But if I hadn't come to school in one of those days I wouldn't have this wonderful talk with Enrico. He is an IPA underclassman.
2 days ago I thought I still have to go to school so I went but when I got there, the place was deserted. My classmates are nowhere to be found. I went to my class after buying some food and started watching YouTube like what I would usually do before morning class for the last one and a half years. Oh, my God. Hes an NPC!!! This is probably an entry of the NPC's diary obtained as a reward after completing one of his quests!
Anyway, just after I finished jumping from channel to channel, a teacher knocked on the door to tell me about an assignment my whole class have to participate in: Market Day. I thought "Ah, shit. Shortened vacation." so I lied to her by saying I've no part in it and my classmates didn't tell me about it. I thought she would spare me the bullshit but instead she dragged me further into it leg first. "God damn it." I thought, luckily since there's no one around she can't do anything about Market Day and we both did nothing.
I wandered around school because I was bored and then I met Enrico. The first time we met was in Wonosobo expedition in the bus. We talked a lot. About how we became gamers, about the fanboy mentality and its community, about how we got to this homeschooling community in the first place, and a lot of random nonsense in between.
He went into homeschooling because he can't take it anymore- both mentally and physically- in a formal school. It proved to much for him and he said it has made some kind of impact to his health. But we don't know that, right?
I wasn't really into video games even in the PSOne days. Even after PS2 came out I'm still just a regular person- I go out. It's not until the first time I played Kingdom Hearts II that I became a gamer. But now I'm just a regular person because I "don't keep up with the latest in gaming." Rico is the same. He first "awakened" his gamer side after playing said game.
He knows a lot about games and that makes me connect better with him. The difference between us is that he's keeping his status as a gamer and stayed up to date. When we talked about several famous titles, he said something like this to me before stating his opinion: "I'm sugarcoating my words and opinions so I won't upset the fans and save myself from their flaming."
It is true. MOST OF THE TIME, these so-called hardcore fans reject other's opinion about what they're fans of and counter the arguments with biased opinions. Fanboys see what they praise as good and others as bad. But its up to them to listen or not to other people's opinions, so, whatever. We can't force people like them into listening, can we?
Well, the good thing about a fanboy- if not for their hyperbolic loyalty to a franchise- is that if they know about something, let's say, a franchise, they know it very well. They know it front to back, inside and out. We are both fans of a franchise and discussed about other franchises until he uttered a word that changed the subject into a deeper conversation: hypocrisy.
We both claim our "eyes" are still clear enough to not be clouded with biases and became fanboys, but there are those hidden moments of hypocrisy that are usually realized days or even weeks after we became hypocrites. For me, hypocrisy usually came in after a hype of something that interests me. Overblown hype usually causes disappointment.
Like my hype believing Enrico would still come to school to play with me even after knowing he can start vacation the next day. I believed he will come- for 2 days I waited. I should've known he wouldn't come. Well, I shouldn't have not come to school anyway, so its a fair trade.
Monday, December. 22/12/2014 11:51
"Do you actually like it when you're being walked over like that? Being underestimated and getting ordered around?" I frequently ask myself this question lately- to be exact, from the day Adit bought his Vita until now, and I don't know how to answer that, really.
I realized, I knew, and I understood that I'm letting things go into my head too easily and it made me over think about a lot of stuff. Being too selfless can be a gift and a weakness, and to me it's a weakness. It can be turned into a gift if I became a volunteer at a charity but that's not the case.
I've been underestimated at school because I "don't keep up with the latest gadgets" and they thought of me like an "old school person." When the test results came out people were asking me for answers but I don't give them what they want and I was pushed away.
I didn't know what was going on and people are staying away from me, it makes me feel like I did something wrong and I felt guilty and scared. At least that was what I felt back then. We can't know for sure what's happening in their circle, right? Now I know I did the right thing, but still, being avoided like this isn't exactly the best feeling.
At home I've been ordered around by my dad and my brother about trivial stuff and- I want to "disobey," you know? Like saying "go do it yourself!" But I can't. There is an unexplainable fear deep inside. I'm not a very good talker, even against my brother I won't win so I just do what he says. Maybe its just me being afraid my pride would get scratched so I hid it behind my back and moved along.
After doing this for some time, I questioned myself, "Do I enjoy being pushed around? Am I actually enjoying this treatment?" And found myself admitting that, despite initial denial, I'm enjoying it. I found myself obeying time and time again while mumbling about how I hated it but I can't bring myself to stop. My heart beats with anger and hatred but I'm powerless. To make it kind of dramatic- like Hollywood dramatic, let's say that "I gave in because I don't want to hurt anyone. Blablabla, greater good."
Hehe.
Weird, right?
Anyway, there's not much to talk about because when I'm on vacation things are usually very... stagnant. There's not much to do or tell. The vacation days feel very static, very bland. Boring, you might say.
Thursday, December. 25/12/2014 00:50
I fell asleep. Wow.
Anyway, Merry Christmas, boys and girls!
Hm, I wish I can say better things but I'm dead tired.
You know, I could have lied and write 00:00 up there but I stayed up and eventually missed the passing of dates.
If you question whether if I really stayed up or if I lied about it, either way I said Merry Christmas.
I'll sleep now. Bye.
Thursday, December. 30/12/2014 17:08
My grandfather from my father's side has died. Now dad's getting ready to go to Jogja. I have just arrived home from swimming and I was getting ready to take a bath when suddenly dad arrived at the front door.
I greeted him and he said to me, his father has died. Only moments later, mom just called my phone to tell me the same thing.
Dad's going to try and get an airplane ticket now. If he can't get it today he's going to try again tomorrow.
Wednesday, December. 31/12/2014 10:57
My grandfather died yesterday and this morning when I woke up I feel like I'm in Jogja, in my grandparent's house. The atmosphere is just different. Mom decided to take a break and stayed at home. I'm in the hospital now for my brother's skin check or something. I don't care.
I wanted to stay at home today actually, but I have to act like I feel sad and follow whatever mom said. So here I am at the hospital, attending something that I don't care about.
I didn't have plans for this vacation but last week I fired up my PS2 and played some Kingdom Hearts II (Shame its not the Final Mix+ version...) and tested Final Fantasy XII (The International version.) and challenged myself in New Game to see how far I can progress through the story in my last 5 days of vacation, not including Sunday, though.
But things isn't really going as smooth as I expected. 3 days have passed and maybe I went through 10% of FFXII story, but I know for sure I went through 60% of KHII story.
So, yeah.
Thursday, January. 01/01/2015 18:01
Happy new year, everyone. Wish you a good year.
Yeah, its lame. I'm not good at things like this. I'll never get better at making greetings. Hehe, whatever. Anyway, I think I'm gonna end this here. I've a lot of stuff that's been going in my mind and I'm gonna post them after this one.
The next post is going to be without any time marker because it an accumulation of multiple subjects, both recent and old.
So, yeah.
See you later. - Aex
