Monday, January. 19/01/2015 22:23
First day of the fourth week and I already burnt through almost half of this week's budget. I couldn't actually say this yet but January has not been good to me.
I lost everything in my phone, seriously; dad's network is being merged with another company, meaning no internet since the third Saturday of January until God knows when; academic scores so low, I had to look underground; and university talks, enough said.
I couldn't remember anything beyond the 17th of January because whatever it is that I forgot was wiped out of my phone with everything else. I couldn't recover my sketches because I never backed them up, but I still have my fanfictions. I think I should call them "stories" instead of "fanfics" because its not based on anything.
The company my dad works at is being merged with another company since I think they're running out of business. I have to rely on WiFi instead of my data connection and I find this mildly irritating. One reason is because free WiFi is kind of hard to find in this place. The other reason is because it doesn't feel right to not be able to rely on myself and depend on other's WiFi. (read: too much pride to ask.)
On Saturday, there was a parents meeting and my class sold food and things. Boring stuff. The teacher told my parents about my tryouts score and it was horrible.
Score needed to pass: 55/100
English: 85/100
Math 18/100 holy shit
Civics: 50~60/100
The other 4 subjects: somewhere around 20/100
I don't really feel bad for doing so badly because- let's be honest here, it was to be expected. I do feel bad (or maybe scared), however, because my parents were there and they make me feel bad.
Tuesday, January. 20/01/2015 14:01
I got hit by the rain on my way home like it has always been since the beginning of January. Anyway, tomorrow I'm gonna face the second tryouts until Friday. I have a strong feeling I'll fail again, but whatever. I'm too tired to care at this point. Life came at me faster than I can handle them, so I'll just let the waves crash onto me. I'll manage somehow, like I always do.
January hasn't passed yet but I already felt like shit at school. There's nothing for me there except for the boring knowledge. Friends? No, only classmates and acquaintances. It feels nice to see the rain from the class' window, but not so much if I'm in the rain itself.
Saturday, January. 24/01/2015 15:57
Thursday night, my dad told me about grandpa. He still couldn't believe his death. To quote him, it happened so quickly. My grandpa died of heart attack, but there was no sign of it. He just had conversations with grandma 15 minutes before he died. The last mention of any indication of his heart's condition was 5 years ago.
Dad still thought there is another meaning to all this. "Mungkin ada hikmahnya." He said. I asked him about the other meaning to his death and he told me to imagine. What would happen if grandma died first? There would be no one at home to report or something if grandpa had a heart attack. He would die, and no one would know. They would find his body days or even weeks later.
Grandma lives alone now, but my father's brother comes to her house to company her. In February, my parent's are gonna visit grandpa's grave, along with dad's brother. Dad's sister are going to come home too from America.
Monday, January. 26/01/2015 16:05
I just had a talk about how parents' love never ends with my old teacher. This teacher "Ibu Rifah," I usually call her "Burif," was once my elementary school teacher. We talked about his late father and my late grandfather. It might be the first time I cried while talking about grandpa.
It was eye opening. I remember last week when dad told me about how he still can't let his father go because it happened so fast, and so far away too. Burif's father died not too far away from her. She cared for his father like her own son, because he was so old. He died on November, now Burif has let him go.
She still cries if she remember him in the small things he used to do. Burif's father used to pick up his grandchildren after school, now they have to walk home. And sometimes she cries when she saw them going home walking because it reminded her of her father.
Tuesday, January. 27/01/2015 20:18
Mom said she entered me for a university that I don't even know by using the report card or something. She said I don't have to do any test, only surrender my fate to my report cards. I instantly felt weakened. I dropped to my bed and lied down there for a couple of minutes. My heart was beating like crazy. I'm nervous, scared to think about it.
She gave me the brochure and it said that I'll just have to give my report card from the last 5 semester and with an average score of 70. I read through my report card, and i can see my average is around 73-77 so its okay, but I realized something in the other page.
So the layout is like this: the scores are in the left page, and there's some kind attitude judgement thing on the right page. Measuring consistencies of my humor, flexibility, responsibility, bravery, love (what even?), friendliness, and a bunch of other things that I can't remember.
The consistency is measure in 2 words, consistent and inconsistent. As I go from the first to the fifth semester I saw how all the ratings slowly go from consistent to inconsistent one by one. First semester, 1 inconsistency, second semester, 3 inconsistencies. And so on.
Man, what a way to know about my decline in progress.
Wednesday, January. 28/01/2015 14:52
I tried to take a nap but I can't sleep. I am dead tired, and I can't sleep. Huh.
School was exhausting. Today was traditional games day, and I have to play 3 games, bentengan (I couldn't find the English wiki page :/), dampu, and gangsing. When I was out to get breakfast, I met Kiran at a mini market and we tag along the whole day. I played dampu once and failed, then I played bentengan, I lost twice. I fell many times when playing bentengan, the game wrecked me. Haha.
I hurt my left elbow, my left knee, my right torso, sprained my right thigh, and it still hurts now, 4 hours after I arrived home. I took a long break and missed the gangsing session but I didn't plan on playing it anyway. Kiran went home first and my whole left arm was abused by a kid because I deleted his photos of me in his DSLR camera.
I went home, dead tired and hurt. I changed clothes because I sweat through my shirt and my jacket. Then I tried to take a nap.
When I tried to nap, my mood was beyond rock bottom. I thought of giving up on Audrey and planned to write a list of everything I hate because of everything. I was hurt, mentally and physically. I remember how Kiran showed me his drawings, how I humiliated myself because I don't know the rules of bentengan, and there was Adit. Enough said.
I couldn't sleep, so I woke up and ate lunch and watched tv. These small activities cleared up my mind. I remember leaving AriaFams chat group in BBM and Line last night. The group was dead, no doubt about it. Most of the time the only people chatting are Angel and Audrey, that was weeks ago. Go back a bit and there's me chatting. Axel disappeared way, way back. Jane never joined.
I planned on giving Audrey one last visit to give her the gift I've bought from Wonosobo for all of Ariafams, then that's it, I'll become a stalker again. I wanted to give her the gifts tomorrow but seeing that I'm injured now, dad probably won't let me swim.
At first I thought I was just in a bad mood and even though she didn't have anything to do with it, I got angry about her too. But now that I've calmed down, it seemed logical to leave her. (even though there's nothing between us in the first place anyway)
I used a stereotype to put logic into: Why do guys like to look at boobs *hmm* and girls like diamonds?
I thought about it for a while. Yes, I really did. I was bored.
I like to look a boobs. (No shit.) Males like to do it because big boobs and ass usually signifies fertility, therefore securing the bloodline. You know, passing genes. Sex. *ahem.*
Don't worry, I won't judge Audrey. Mostly because I can't, and I don't remember how her body looks like.
Now, into the 'girls like diamonds' thing. If I see a rich girl (or a girl with expensive items) would think either:
- she's rich. (How? She plays online games and sells in-game stuff for real money. She doesn't need money from her parents except for starting the business. Or she steals.)
- her parents are rich. (Either she's a bitch that constantly begs for it, or her parents are overly generous even if she doesn't ask for it.)
- her boyfriend is rich and gives her stuff. (If you really, really love the girl, hell, why not? Or the guy gives stuff expecting sex. *cough*)
But despite all those, logically you'll try and get rich guys because it affords security. He can afford to school your kids until college and support your family's life, and afford actual security.
Judging myself, I wouldn't be able to support a family. Now? Obviously, I can't. In the future? The chance goes up, but I don't think its high enough.
So putting aside all and any kinds of feelings, its logical for me to leave Audrey because of my inabilities to secure our future. Or to put it from another perspective, its logical for Audrey to not be with me because if she does, she'll only put herself in impending danger.
But throw your feelings into the mix, and...
I have to be honest, I wouldn't be able to think of a reason, excuse or whatever to leave her. But I certainly don't know about what she would think.
The purpose of publishing this thing is because I wanted to vent, and I'm testing the waters. Will people react? (You know who you are.) But I might be expecting too much.
I think I'll end this here. January is closing, I'll start a new OD in February. Since my dad's network died, I've been writing a lot. Maybe I'll throw in a story too.
- Aex
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