Wednesday, December. 17/12/2014 17:23
The last day of the first semester of XII-IPA grade. If you boys and girls ask me what it was like, I would say it was kind of a peaceful day overall.
The last 2 weeks was pretty meh to me because I had end semester tests and I failed 3 out of 7 subjects. I had a week of early vacation because I retried all 3 of those failed subjects in one day, but I wasted those precious vacation days not knowing that I can stay at home since I finished school anyway. But if I hadn't come to school in one of those days I wouldn't have this wonderful talk with Enrico. He is an IPA underclassman.
2 days ago I thought I still have to go to school so I went but when I got there, the place was deserted. My classmates are nowhere to be found. I went to my class after buying some food and started watching YouTube like what I would usually do before morning class for the last one and a half years. Oh, my God. Hes an NPC!!! This is probably an entry of the NPC's diary obtained as a reward after completing one of his quests!
Anyway, just after I finished jumping from channel to channel, a teacher knocked on the door to tell me about an assignment my whole class have to participate in: Market Day. I thought "Ah, shit. Shortened vacation." so I lied to her by saying I've no part in it and my classmates didn't tell me about it. I thought she would spare me the bullshit but instead she dragged me further into it leg first. "God damn it." I thought, luckily since there's no one around she can't do anything about Market Day and we both did nothing.
I wandered around school because I was bored and then I met Enrico. The first time we met was in Wonosobo expedition in the bus. We talked a lot. About how we became gamers, about the fanboy mentality and its community, about how we got to this homeschooling community in the first place, and a lot of random nonsense in between.
He went into homeschooling because he can't take it anymore- both mentally and physically- in a formal school. It proved to much for him and he said it has made some kind of impact to his health. But we don't know that, right?
I wasn't really into video games even in the PSOne days. Even after PS2 came out I'm still just a regular person- I go out. It's not until the first time I played Kingdom Hearts II that I became a gamer. But now I'm just a regular person because I "don't keep up with the latest in gaming." Rico is the same. He first "awakened" his gamer side after playing said game.
He knows a lot about games and that makes me connect better with him. The difference between us is that he's keeping his status as a gamer and stayed up to date. When we talked about several famous titles, he said something like this to me before stating his opinion: "I'm sugarcoating my words and opinions so I won't upset the fans and save myself from their flaming."
It is true. MOST OF THE TIME, these so-called hardcore fans reject other's opinion about what they're fans of and counter the arguments with biased opinions. Fanboys see what they praise as good and others as bad. But its up to them to listen or not to other people's opinions, so, whatever. We can't force people like them into listening, can we?
Well, the good thing about a fanboy- if not for their hyperbolic loyalty to a franchise- is that if they know about something, let's say, a franchise, they know it very well. They know it front to back, inside and out. We are both fans of a franchise and discussed about other franchises until he uttered a word that changed the subject into a deeper conversation: hypocrisy.
We both claim our "eyes" are still clear enough to not be clouded with biases and became fanboys, but there are those hidden moments of hypocrisy that are usually realized days or even weeks after we became hypocrites. For me, hypocrisy usually came in after a hype of something that interests me. Overblown hype usually causes disappointment.
Like my hype believing Enrico would still come to school to play with me even after knowing he can start vacation the next day. I believed he will come- for 2 days I waited. I should've known he wouldn't come. Well, I shouldn't have not come to school anyway, so its a fair trade.
Monday, December. 22/12/2014 11:51
"Do you actually like it when you're being walked over like that? Being underestimated and getting ordered around?" I frequently ask myself this question lately- to be exact, from the day Adit bought his Vita until now, and I don't know how to answer that, really.
I realized, I knew, and I understood that I'm letting things go into my head too easily and it made me over think about a lot of stuff. Being too selfless can be a gift and a weakness, and to me it's a weakness. It can be turned into a gift if I became a volunteer at a charity but that's not the case.
I've been underestimated at school because I "don't keep up with the latest gadgets" and they thought of me like an "old school person." When the test results came out people were asking me for answers but I don't give them what they want and I was pushed away.
I didn't know what was going on and people are staying away from me, it makes me feel like I did something wrong and I felt guilty and scared. At least that was what I felt back then. We can't know for sure what's happening in their circle, right? Now I know I did the right thing, but still, being avoided like this isn't exactly the best feeling.
At home I've been ordered around by my dad and my brother about trivial stuff and- I want to "disobey," you know? Like saying "go do it yourself!" But I can't. There is an unexplainable fear deep inside. I'm not a very good talker, even against my brother I won't win so I just do what he says. Maybe its just me being afraid my pride would get scratched so I hid it behind my back and moved along.
After doing this for some time, I questioned myself, "Do I enjoy being pushed around? Am I actually enjoying this treatment?" And found myself admitting that, despite initial denial, I'm enjoying it. I found myself obeying time and time again while mumbling about how I hated it but I can't bring myself to stop. My heart beats with anger and hatred but I'm powerless. To make it kind of dramatic- like Hollywood dramatic, let's say that "I gave in because I don't want to hurt anyone. Blablabla, greater good."
Hehe.
Weird, right?
Anyway, there's not much to talk about because when I'm on vacation things are usually very... stagnant. There's not much to do or tell. The vacation days feel very static, very bland. Boring, you might say.
Thursday, December. 25/12/2014 00:50
I fell asleep. Wow.
Anyway, Merry Christmas, boys and girls!
Hm, I wish I can say better things but I'm dead tired.
You know, I could have lied and write 00:00 up there but I stayed up and eventually missed the passing of dates.
If you question whether if I really stayed up or if I lied about it, either way I said Merry Christmas.
I'll sleep now. Bye.
Thursday, December. 30/12/2014 17:08
My grandfather from my father's side has died. Now dad's getting ready to go to Jogja. I have just arrived home from swimming and I was getting ready to take a bath when suddenly dad arrived at the front door.
I greeted him and he said to me, his father has died. Only moments later, mom just called my phone to tell me the same thing.
Dad's going to try and get an airplane ticket now. If he can't get it today he's going to try again tomorrow.
Wednesday, December. 31/12/2014 10:57
My grandfather died yesterday and this morning when I woke up I feel like I'm in Jogja, in my grandparent's house. The atmosphere is just different. Mom decided to take a break and stayed at home. I'm in the hospital now for my brother's skin check or something. I don't care.
I wanted to stay at home today actually, but I have to act like I feel sad and follow whatever mom said. So here I am at the hospital, attending something that I don't care about.
I didn't have plans for this vacation but last week I fired up my PS2 and played some Kingdom Hearts II (Shame its not the Final Mix+ version...) and tested Final Fantasy XII (The International version.) and challenged myself in New Game to see how far I can progress through the story in my last 5 days of vacation, not including Sunday, though.
But things isn't really going as smooth as I expected. 3 days have passed and maybe I went through 10% of FFXII story, but I know for sure I went through 60% of KHII story.
So, yeah.
Thursday, January. 01/01/2015 18:01
Happy new year, everyone. Wish you a good year.
Yeah, its lame. I'm not good at things like this. I'll never get better at making greetings. Hehe, whatever. Anyway, I think I'm gonna end this here. I've a lot of stuff that's been going in my mind and I'm gonna post them after this one.
The next post is going to be without any time marker because it an accumulation of multiple subjects, both recent and old.
So, yeah.
See you later. - Aex
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