This Online Diary tells my daily days from the third week of July until the third week of August. In this entry, I got stressed because of college stuff, went on a once-in-a-year event and not become a semi-homo like last year, almost got caught watching porn by my parents, gossiped about my relatives, and became an insensitive bastard. Enjoy.
Pic title: -
Taken during my first ever visit to my grandfather's grave this year.
Hey there. How are you doing, boys and girls? I'm doing fine, thank you.
I'm sorry for the big time gap but I figured there wouldn't be anything interesting enough for the time being to be written for a full entry, so I decided to wait for a big event to write and compile several minor stories while I'm at it. Though I'm sure there's nothing much to talk about anyway, but I'll try, I guess? Today is a big event. I'm going to dad's mom's house in Yogyakarta. We're going to depart in about an hour and I've just finished packing my stuff. Its gonna be one of those 20 hour road trips, and I hope it's going to be a memorable trip. Amen. While we wait, why not talk about what's been happening. But, as I've said before, there's not much that's happened because I'm such an antisocial...
That didn't come out right.
I'll go over the last 2 weeks below but in no specific order because I forgot. Again, I'll try my hardest to remember those juicy tiny details. I might only remember the last 4~5 days but its better than nothing. My brother bought a Nintendo 3DS. Its the first Nintendo platform my family owned, we've never bought anything Nintendo before. It was jail-broken, of course, because original games are way too expensive. The first night my bro played with it, he got an error message or something, rendering it unplayable. He panicked and dad got kind of upset, but dad slept it off because he was too tired. What happened next is my bro going into the internet searching for solution and fixes to... re-jailbreak it, I think? We stayed up all night to try and get it working again and it worked, but since that day I started pulling all nighters. I couldn't sleep at all. I'd like to think I became nocturnal but is that even possible? I don't know, I'm not a doctor. I'm at my weakest in the morning, I woke up usually in the afternoons, and I always sleep late. But then again, I've always been like this. Maybe its just me being more conscious about it.
A day before that, I received a message saying I got in a university. Remember that selection test? Out of the 3 universities I randomly applied to, I got through one. Universitas Negeri Jakarta, or UNJ. I thought, "Oh okay, that's cool. Whatever." But everyone around me kept on congratulating me and its so annoying. I'm not interested in school activities. Maybe its because I'm spoiled? Been on holidays for too long? Whatever. Call me a freeloader, living in my parent's house, I don't care. My plans got ruined and since then I don't know what to do in this world. I'll explain it as simple a possible.
In Indonesia, among lazy students there's a staple response that can be used if they're asked about their dreams:
1. To graduate with a satisfying score. No score is a satisfying score according to my dad. He's hard to please, much like his mother.
2. To make my parents proud. This is outright impossible, knowing my dad. And his mother.
1. To graduate with a satisfying score. No score is a satisfying score according to my dad. He's hard to please, much like his mother.
2. To make my parents proud. This is outright impossible, knowing my dad. And his mother.
3. To be a beneficial person for my people, country, and religion. Because patriotism.
When I started 12th grade, I had clear plans for my future. Maybe its because I still have a tiny fragment of responsibility left in me. I'd go to college near my grandparents' house so I don't have to rent any apartments, use my status and knowledge as a science student to its fullest extent, and become an architect. When dad almost lost his job, that plan went to the shitter. The fact that we're going to Yogyakarta, where my dream college is, makes everything even more bitter. Now I'm going to a university I don't want, wasted all those years studying as a science student, and be a freelance worker.
Some dream, this is...
Ooh, bleak, bleak, gloom. Sorry guys, I'm sure I must've talked about it several times already. You boys and girls must be bored of me saying the same thing over and over again. Being a broken record. My sincerest apologies, this dream section should be on UntimedOD but it isn't long and deep enough to be developed into its own UOD section. Let's move on. On Saturday, my whole family decided to take a look at the UNJ campus. It was a long trip. When we got there, the place turned out to be some kind of housing complex. Its got its own dormitory, lecture halls, private homes for lecturer and a bunch of other stuff I can't translate to English. Everything is contained within itself and its facilities are quite complete, like a college ranch.
College village? Lol
While I said the facilities are quite complete, I've never actually seen the inside of any of those buildings. The doors are shut tight and chained with big ass locks. Despite what it had, the complex itself looks like its been abandoned. Granted, we visited on a day off, but everything is still messy. And since it was a day off, shouldn't there be some people going around the dormitory? Not a soul. There's aren't even any janitors sweeping around, even though there are kids walking here and there, although those kids might also turn out to be like me- just getting a feel of the place.
The visit was a bust. We wasted precious time traveling here and gained no information whatsoever regarding this place. My parents talked to what seems to be a lecturer who happens to be chilling on an outdoor hall with his laptop, while I walked around alone getting lost in the complex. The scenery was beautiful, I think to myself. It looked and felt like autumn, and there's only two seasons in Indonesia. Rain and dry. All the fallen orange leaves drifting slowly around me as I go farther away from my family, the calm atmosphere I felt as gentle breeze blows on my face. There's nary a soul to be found. I kept walking until I found a big ass banner with the complex' map drawn upon it. I took a long look at it before going back to my family. My parents were done discussing with the lecturer, and suddenly my father had a change of heart.
Since I got through the selection test, he's been very persistent about me picking this shabby place over UB. I guess after interrogating the poor teacher and getting a feel of the place, my dad also agrees that UB is the superior choice in every aspect except for the price. Everyone was already in the car except my dad and me. He gave me a lecture, and the tl;dr version is: this place turns you into an educator and gives you a job, UB turns you into a businessman and you will give people jobs. I personally don't care because I don't want any jobs, but I'm sure dad was thinking about the money. In the end, it boils down to that.
How depressing.
After that we went over to UB to compare the two places (Of course, no contest.) and buy a Nintendo 3DS for my bro after that. We didn't went on a tour because we already did, but we did came over to the reception to ask around some more and after so long I finally get a college schedule. My vacation is ending. I'm starting college by the end of August. Yeah, that's still more than a month away but I'm sure a lot of things are going to get me on edge, like my parents. So, yeah. Wish me luck with that.
Wednesday, July. 15/07/2015 15:44
Guess what? I'm at my grandma's place. Way, way faster than I expected.
Dad drove 530 km in 13 hours. Thats 6 hours faster than last year. There's no way I could sleep through that, seriously. As the distance close, dad went faster and faster, while I get sleepier and sleepier. I sunk through the backseat because dad went all "Need for Speed" with the car. He said our car got clipped by a truck. No major damage, but the left rearview mirror got scratched. After all that, we unpacked our stuff and I can finally sleep. I went to bed at 6 in the morning and woke up around 1. Everyone was already up and doing activities while I was asleep. For the next week or so, I'm sure I'll get many questions from my relatives. About school scores, campus plans and my life in general. Oh well, might as well put on my sociable mask on. I wouldn't want to disappoint them by being an antisocial piece of shit, wouldn't I?
Thursday, July. 16/07/2015 05:05
Good morning, today is the last day of fasting and this fucking bed is crushing my back. I'm sleeping on a thin foam bed, so technically I'm sleeping on the floor. My body aches all over. I must be so damn tired yesterday to not care about this bed being so damn stiff and uncomfortable to sleep on. I miss my spring bed already.
Yesterday we ate outside to break our fasting. Grandma's treat. We sat near the front door of the restaurant, and directly behind me is a loudspeaker. It's playing all sorts of Islamic music. Later when we were eating, suddenly the speaker played a crappy birthday song remix and it startled me. Everyone in the restaurant was confused, looking left and right to see who's birthday it is. A second later a bunch of staff walked to our table and wished happy birthday to my mom. Maybe the staff did say something when we were ordering but I was too busy playing with my PSP to pay attention. Mom was given a pudding with a candle on it and we took a picture with the staff.
Somehow, I looked sad in the photo. I wasn't, I was just embarrassed because everyone in the restaurant was staring at us. I mean, what is this? My mom celebrated her birthday like a child, and she's like, 50 or something. And her birthday is still a couple of weeks away. Ah, whatever. By the way, since dad's cellular company (?) started going downhill I stopped using his internet service because it just won't work anymore. Now I'm using a free SIM card given to me as a bundle when I bought my new tablet. Dad said it should be able to be used here and the internet speed should be fast. I'm not feeling any of that. It can use the net, sure, but its slow as a brick.
The internet is very slow around here, so slow in fact I have to say it twice. I won't be able to just keep myself updated, that's bad. I'm gonna be missing out. I can't watch Let's Plays on YouTube, or read news and updates on my Twitter. But its also good, I hope? I won't be using Facebook and Instagram so I won't be seeing any hot explicit cosplays or anime tits and booty. Its gonna be all family friendly. I don't know though. Maybe I'm just using it at the wrong time. People believe using the internet at night is faster than in the day because people already went to sleep. Let's see about that.
Saturday, July. 18/07/2015 14:07
Movies, anyone? I was just finished watching a movie, The Grand Budapest Hotel, with my bro and Adrian. They're now watching another movie by themselves because I'm not interested in The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy. I don't know what the future holds, but I think we'll do this again with them next year. It'll become an annual thing. Something like a tradition, you might say. But anyway, since today is mostly a free day, let's talk about yesterday instead.
So, Friday (17th).
Happy Eid Mubarak, boys and girls. I hope you had a pleasant day. After Eid prayer in the morning and going to some neighbors' houses, our family went on another road trip. This time with Adrian, his father, and grandma. My cousin and his dad arrived just before we were going to meet with the neighbors. It was quite a long trip, and not to mention the sun's heat burning the sides of my face through the window. We went to visit grandpa's grave, it was my first time there. For maybe almost an hour there, everyone was giving prayers to grandpa. I didn't, because I don't know what to do. So for about maybe almost an hour, I only sit there looking at everyone. Before and after the prayer I did took pictures, though. I don't have anything to talk about on my side, but I could talk about what I think is going on with this whole family.
Right after we arrived and sat near his grave, my bro and mom gave their prayers right away and it went on for quite a while. Next was Adrian, and the way he gave his prayers was like in the movies. By the way, my family and Adrian's follow different religions. My dad and his brother, Adrian's dad, cleaned the grave before giving their prayers. Grandma, she only sat beside the grave and cried silently. That scene, it would be a strong message if delivered correctly.
Thursday, July. 23/07/2015 12:27
Online games, ladies and gents. Online games make you forget about your surroundings.
Anyway, welcome back, boys and girls. I'm back home. Can you believe it? Yeah. We departed from grandma's house yesterday at 11:30 if I'm not mistaken, and arrived here at 06:30. 19 hours of sitting in the back seat, trying to not take a shit. Yes, it was that bad. The moment I finished unpacking my stuff I instantly took a shit (in the toilet) as I'm charging all my gadgets, and after that, I played an online game.
Unrelated: By the way, I might make a story about the game. It doesn't have any specific lore. If any, its open to interpretation. I'm not sure, though. I haven't even finished Players story. I wanted to change the title from "Players" to "Last Bastion of Free Will" because its cool but whatever, I'll have to finish it first. Back on track!
(Friday 17th) After giving our prayers to grandpa, we went out to get some food but most of the restaurants are closed. Because, you know, Eid Mubarak. Later that night as I was playing an online game while waiting for Adrian to copy all his music to my iPod, a bunch of relatives came over. I seriously thought they were gonna visit the next day, that's why Saturday was so devoid of activities. All I did was welcome them before they stormed the house and started talking to the rest of the family like there's no tomorrow. All of them, and I mean all of them, said I was getting slimmer, even though I wasn't, I was just taller. For real though, the result of 30 days of fasting would just disappear in 3 days after Eid Mubarak. But still, I was happy. They gave me praises, they applauded my achievement, they said nice things about me. They praised me about my body and then about how I got accepted to a well known university. When they started talking about the latter, I got very bitter. I already typed this above, so, yeah. Let's find another topic.
There's something I noticed, and that is how Adrian gets more energetic as the sun goes down. Is he a vampire? Nope. Its his girlfriend. Or at least, I think it was. So here's the thing, Adrian has a girlfriend ("Shame on you, Aex." Shuddup...) but there's no mention of her since we met him. The other thing I also picked up is about Adrian's dad. I always figured my uncle, this fucking guy is some kind of an asshole, but I never thought it was true. And I thought he acted like an asshole even to his son. Last year Adrian was still all lovestruck with his girlfriend, but not this year. And this year whenever his dad is nearby, his mood dropped like a rock. He's upset at his dad for some reason, and I think its got something to to with Adrian's girlfriend.
His dad approached me and asked me to dig information out of him. Needless to say, I'm on Adrian's side and I thought if anything happened its probably his dad's fault. Still, though, out of curiosity I asked around but I got nothing. Adrian was like a brick wall, so I gave up. I won't know further until a few days later, when my bro told me and my parents about what happened. Before I went to sleep that day, I also noticed something different about my dad. He seemed a bit... more free. Maybe its because we're staying in his mom's house? I don't know. He was more laid back but also more serious, all at the same time. He throws jokes out whenever there's a chance, but also more strict about people's behavior.
I mean, yeah, that makes sense. We're living in his mom's house, that has to be it, right? Or maybe its because his dad is not with him anymore, in that once a year event. I don't know. God rest his soul.
Saturday (18th) was a free day, a day to rest. I asked around about tomorrow's (Sunday 19th) schedule and it was just like last year. We went to our ancestors' grave (a different grave) and gave prayers, and then went to the old ancestors' house to rest, eat, talk, or whatever the fuck you wanna do with your distant relatives.
Friday, July. 24/07/2015 23:58
Wassup. Porn. Yeah.
I'm trying to get back into, and starting to remember, old routines, like writing this at regular intervals. I'm writing this right now because I happened to remember, so I'll do what I can until I pass out. Unfortunately, that also means my bad habits are returning, like gaining weight, losing sleep, and watching porn. (by the way, I wanted that to be this OD's title cuz it sounds like a quote. Lol) I tried to focus on doing this but I got sidetracked into watching porn and I didn't know I had my speakers maxed out.
If you haven't figured it out already, or are new here (welcome, by the way), I sleep with my parents. Yeah. All four of us sleeping in one room. I heard my mom's breathing stopped and my dad's snore waning because I played a porn video for a split-fucking-second. I'm not sure about my bro, maybe he's awake but he just froze. My heart, its punching my chest from the inside. Its a good incest anime adaptation from a hentai doujin. I'm gonna watch it after writing this. I should stop talking.
A-anyway...
Let's continue our story. I made tiny reminders in form of texts as my days in Yogya went by and I hope it would fire up my memories. We wouldn't want to miss those deliciously fat and juicy details, right? Where were we? The old ancestors' house? The other cemetery? Ah, okay.
Sunday (19th).
As I've said earlier, the plan was to visit our ancestors' grave from grandma's side, and we did just that. We arrived late, though, for unknown reasons. We've always been among the first people to arrive there. At least we always got there before people started their prayers. This year we arrived late, like, at the very end of it. I'm kinda relieved, though, because that means less boring stuff I have to go through to get home. After that we went to our old ancestors' house. So, usually every year we went there, it would be just a peaceful but crowded improvised feast hall, with relatives being all over the place. Its just a place to rest up. This year is different, though. Again, we arrived late and this is very unusual. What's even weirder is that there's a fucking band- not even, its just a piano keyboardist, and two singers. Blasting crappy old people music and singing with super high pitched voices. How high? Its way up there in the fucking stratosphere, along with the speaker's volume. And the old people are liking it.
Hmm.
Maybe dangdut in Indonesia is the equivalent to southern American country music. And I like country music to a certain degree, but I fucking hate dangdut music. I don't know if its in the same genre but different parts of the world or just completely different from one another. Please correct me if I'm wrong. Anyway, there are a few ceremonies that must be attended, and in between every single one of them I have to sit through the fucking music. I just gave up on life at that very moment, and surrender myself to the music. I tried to distract myself by playing Monster Hunter without the sound on so I can pass the time faster, and to my blessing, it worked. I barely noticed anything beyond the game. Its harder to predict what the monster's gonna do without the audio cues, though. (Hah, gamer talk.)
When we first enter the house, we were told to sign our names on a paper, it was like some kind of attendance paper. I signed in number 77. Ariabagas, Bekasi. Signature here. While my brain was being fried, they announced that they would be giving out door prizes. I didn't expect to win, but somehow I became nervous whenever they called a number near 77. When they said "70!" I skipped a beat, then got disappointed. After they gave out 10 prizes they moved on with the show and I started playing. I didn't know they were going to have a second round and gave out another 20 prizes, and when they said "77!" I totally didn't realize it. People I don't know called me out, I went to the front and received a package awkwardly, and went back. It turned out it was just a pair of jar, for coffee and/or tea.
Fuck.
Thursday, July. 30/07/2015 23:13
Sorry for the long break, everything have returned to normal.
That means, my days have returned to being empty, and I haven't been writing due to various distractions and my own laziness. I actually do have a lot to write about, its just that I've been delaying it time and time again. Let's continue from where we left off. Okay, I lied. Before we continue, I want to stress out how much of a prick my brother is. Its either him, or me. Maybe I'm just too soft, so easily offended by small things like raising his voice while talking. And now that I've gotten that out of my chest, let's get to talking, because I'm so done.
After all that event with the door prize, we went home and rested. The next day, Monday (20th), I played games with Adrian and my bro, watched TV, talk about stuff. It was good, at least until Adrian was told to go home because his mother is finally home. Here's the thing, since last year, Adrian's mom isn't in good terms with our family, and by our family I mean my dad's big family. She didn't like my grandma, even though she married her son. I didn't know what happened but whatever that was it limits Adrian's freedom, at least when her mother's around. So he went home with his dad, and I don't know if he's gonna return or not. There's no news until the morning comes.
That night, I was tinkering around with my dad's bookshelf, and looking for books. It was amazing, he studied Japanese history and culture, along with Germany, America, and China. I was pretty comprehensive until the year 1986, because that's where the book ends. It was an old book, published during my dad's college days. Anyway, when I was messing around I accidentally shattered a piece of glass from his bookshelf and cut my hand on it. It was just a piece of glass split into two, big pieces of glass, not small fragments. At first I feel fine, no pain whatsoever even though I can see my skin separating if I move it. There was no blood until a few minutes later. When I was scanning around the pages, blood started gushing out. My parents and my bro said I should clean it, and so I did with Yogyakarta's cold water. (Ah, Yogya, I love you...) People were already asleep, and I checked all my social medias before going to sleep. I didn't care much for my wound so I slept it off.
And then Tuesday (21th) came.
We went to a mall to stock up on supplies because we're going home the next day (Wednesday 22nd, Thursday 23rd) but we got sidetracked so hard, we bought those supplies at the last moments before going home. We went to get lunch first, before forgetting to buy stuff and bought gifts for relatives instead. During lunch, we had small talks. I was asking around about Adrian's girlfriend, mainly because there's no new information since last year, so I was curious. I don't know how he knew about this, but my bro said Adrian broke up with his girl, but also, they're not really breaking up.
Hmm...
Its weird writing this in English because the word break can be used for dismantling, ending relationship, and taking a short rest. I'm gonna do something really weird now. The common word Indonesian use to say broke up is "putus," its like a casual way of saying it. I'm gonna use that word for the next few sentences and use "break" for taking a rest. Weird? Perhaps. Can you follow? I'm sure you can. Just do it.
So Adrian and his girl have been "putus" for several weeks, but how long exactly is not stated. But they're not on bad terms, in fact, they still contact each other and Adrian can still be seen smiling and giggling by himself when he's along with his phone. Its more like their relationship has been downgraded from "couples" to "best friends" instead of "putus" in its true meaning. They are taking a break. My bro said they got "putus" because his girl is tired, and possibly scared, because of Adrian's temper. He tends to get angry easily, and I think this has something to do with his dad because the timeline fits.
Still, though. Adrian? Angry? Whoa, dude.
Whoa...
Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.............
He's like the chilliest kid ever, but whatever happened, happened. I'm jealous as all hell, but I hope things got better between Adrian and his girl.
Next, we talked about Adrian's mother. I asked first because no one dared to ask about it to my dad. Mom was pretty open about it. She only knew a fraction of the whole story, but dad fills in the gap as she was explaining stuff to me. Eventually dad took over, though, and told the story himself. When a person died, we Muslims visit their grave and send prayers 40 days, 100 days, and a year after their death. During one of those, I can't remember which one, there was Adrian's mother.
I think its one of those trips where dad went all by himself. Note: I'm writing this based on memory and it might not be correct, because there were two trips. 40th day and 100th day, remember? I don't know which one of those two I'm currently remembering right now, so keep in mind, don't take everything here as a fact. In both trip, a similar but also different thing happened: Adrian's mother took offense on what happened before, during, or after the prayer. Now I'm just repeating myself.
So all the family members of, I don't know, House Darjono? Well, that's a cool way of putting it. Relatives and extended family of House Darjono went together in grandma's house and planned to send their prayers there. I don't know how large the crowd was, to be exact. So they got together and before the ceremony began, they had talks or feast while they waited for the priest/cleric/religious figure to arrive and lead the prayer or something. Here's where the story began, and this is my dad's side of the story. Again, don't take everything here as fact. So! Adrian's little bro, Tio (yes, he has a lil bro, and he's, like, 10 y/o) played around like the little kid he is, in the room where the prayers are supposed to be sent from, on the carpet the priests/whatever were supposed to be sitting on.When the time was close to do the thing, grandma came and saw everything was all messy. Grandma tidied everything up and told Tio to behave. Then Tio went back to his mom and told her that grandma was angry at him and scolded him until he cried. Adrian's mom got angry about it and... stuff happened.
Honestly, this is the part where the story kinda becomes unclear because I only have a part of the story and I think this next part is where dad's bias kicks in.
Dad said (and of course he did say) a grandma would never scold her grandchildren. Yeah, sure, at least not so much that it would make a 10 y/o cry. And don't you think its absurd how Tio's mom took it all too seriously? Come on. You wouldn't believe what a 10 y/o boy said right away, right? You shouldn't, at least until you confirm what he said with the other guy. In fact, don't take anything in the world as a fact, be a little sceptical. This event created a rift in our family. When we first got to grandma's house, dad said Adrian won't be visiting because their family went away to the mother's big family reunion. You don't know how relieved I was when Adrian chatted me that his dad and he wouldn't be going with them. His mom and lil bro went by themselves.
Everyone went silent for a minute because of dad's tension he's visibly upset from just remembering it. Before we went to the parking lot, mom finally remembered why we came to this mall. As she went off on her own, my bro, dad and I hung out at the Timezone arcade. We had fun, but the thing that really gets me was a new rhythm game stationed near the entrance. After jumping from one shooter arcade cabinet to another, we visit the rhythm game out of boredom and because we were tired. It was an anime rhythm game. My bro played a few song, including the tutorial bit, and Attack on Titan's opening song. After he did that, I tried playing because I saw an anime song, one I've mentioned before in this blog. Kimi no Shiranai Monogatari (no vid this time cuz copyrights. last one was taken down cuz of me even though it isn't mine :/). It caught me off guard, I passed the song just a bit. 81% beat played, lower than that and I'll fail the song. After we went home I thought to myself, "Fuck! Why didn't I took a picture of it!? I know for sure its gonna catch someone's attention. Now, I can only go back next year, and that's if its still there."
Damn it.
Friday, August. 21/08/2015 10:02
Happy Indonesian Independence Day, boys and girls!
Well, its actually on the 17th, but whatever. Quite the time gap, huh? Before I actually say what's on my mind, I'm gonna write something I just remembered before the 30th of July. So, a lot of things happened after we finally settled down, mostly about broken stuff around the house. The stove won't start, the refrigerator wasn't cooling stuff, my bathroom tub got busted, the other bathroom's faucet got cracked. For a week or two I spent my time at home watching the house and some servicers. After all of that's done, I spent my time tinkering with my Gundam plastic models. Cleaning them up and playing with them, posting pics on instagram, those kind of things. I started on the 26th of July and finished cleaning them up the next day. I posted the pics I took the day before and just after cleaning up, I saw a message from Audrey. Well, it wasn't really a message, I was tagged on one of her instagram pics. It was the last thing I could hope to happen, because I was sure I disgusted her to her core, from what I did.
It was like a call for help. She posted a pic that she might took from Google and wrote a lengthy comment. She was depressed, and from what I read, she thought about being hurt and hurting others, and considering killing herself. She tagged a lot of people. I don't know most of the people she tagged, but I knew one that stood out among the others. I won't call out her name because I've no business with her, but I know she's Audrey's "enemy" of some sort. I don't know what I felt at that time.
Horrified, melancholic, furious, overjoyed.
After rereading it several times, trying to find what's her true intents were, and failing, I posted a short comment. I don't exactly remember what I said word for word, but it goes like "i dont know what you meant about 'choosing death' and 'dying' but dont say stuff like that, its scary. i wont stop you if thats your wish. go a head and be reborn. happy reincarnating, happy living." Don't go and try to search for it, she deletes her pics regularly, I think.
Remember what I wrote about how I felt above? After posting that comment and waiting for a few seconds, all that emotion was swept under the rug. I was too desensitized from all my interactions with her and what happened after, to a point of numbness, only capable of feeling "feels" for mere seconds before logic kicks in. "This is just one of those posts." I thought. "She's not gonna kill herself, she just wants attention."
"Depression" is a word that after it gets passed around too frequently and too easily, it would lose it's true meaning. And it did. Slap that word on a comment and you get attention, its that easy. Go ahead and bash me for that. I know not all people are attention whores, and I know others are. I'm not trying to bash either.
But I was right. An hour later she felt better and now, weeks after that event she's like the usual. There's no such thing as "weekly depression" where you get depressed for a couple of days a week. Its just that you're not satisfied with something and sulk about it on the net. Don't be like that. When something doesn't go your way, don't pretend the world is gonna end and that nobody loves you. God damn.
*sigh...*
Anyway, I'm starting college next week, and I'm beyond terrified. I have absolutely no idea what's gonna happen. I don't think I'll finish my projects. My UntimedOD draft, my art projects on my tab, my fiction [Players]. I don't know.
Let's just keep looking forward.
See you later.
-Aex
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