This Online Diary tells my daily days from the end of May to the beginning of July. In this entry, I get hungry and dreamt lewd and weird things, graduated highschool, half-assed my university selection test, speculate about the future, and briefly become an idiot because of a toy franchise.
Picture title: I'm Done with You
Inspired by true events and the title of the previous entry.
Inspired by true events and the title of the previous entry.
Tuesday, May. 26/05/2015 18:43
I just had a photo shoot for my entry test ID card thing. It was 15 minutes for just 2 photos. And it was the longest 15 minutes in my life. And I have to wait an hour for the photo to be printed. What the fuck.
Thursday, May. 28/05/2015 06:05
Morning, boys and girls. I'm sick. I got the flu. I had a hard time sleeping because I can't breathe. I had the symptoms since 3 days ago but have only realized it yesterday afternoon because, YouTube. Its not as bad now, but last night I can't breathe at all. Every time I sneeze I feel like my lungs are being ripped out of my chest. Today's gonna suck.
15:14
Today sucked. I've been sweating nonstop, and everything is sticky. I can barely breathe through my nose, gotta do it with my mouth. If someone saw me breathing like this while I'm using my phone I bet they would think I'm watching porn. I almost ran out of internet and anime to watch. Its been a while since the last time I lived my life offline, everything feels boring. I don't know what to do.
You know, I used the "I've ran out of anime" sentence so much when that's not really the case. I've just ran out of interesting anime to watch, even though I have tons of other anime just lying around in my folder. I wouldn't run out anytime soon.
Monday, June. 01/06/2015 21:37
Did you know what I just did? I accidentally deleted the fucking prologue of the Players story. I don't even know if I have a backup for it. I was looking through my old story posts to connect with the current one and one thing led to another and after I exited the app and checking it again, its not there. Damn it. I was about to double check but my phone went nuts on me. I'll do it later.
21:59
False alarm. I checked my blog via web and its still there. The one saved on the app did disappeared but then reappeared after I killed all my apps and refreshed it. Damn all these technologies I can't understand. Also, I'm just gonna throw it out there: I seriously thought about rebooting Players, even though it hasn't even reached chapter 2. Pretty stupid, huh?
Wednesday, June. 03/06/2015 08:56
Guess what? I'm at school. I'm here only to pick up the graduation invitation. God, why the fuck does everything needs an invitation? I guess I'll stay here for some time, remembering the good times, if it exists.
Saturday, June. 06/06/2015 17:47
I think I'm close to being fully healed from my flu. It took me more than a whole damn week. Damn. Anyway, I think my daily days in this vacation has been very boring to the point that its not worth writing about anymore, until recently. Things are going to get interesting...
17:54
I realized my calendar widget is drunk as balls and I almost wrote everything wrong. I also found songs that shouldn't be on certain playlists, recently. I need a new phone.
So, today is Saturday, right? Here's how things have been rolling, and are going to roll: remember when I said I was registered for some bullshit test? Its going down on Tuesday, and dad said we are going to check where I'm gonna take the test tomorrow. Its gonna be a 1 day test or a 3 days test depending on the subject matter. If its a 1 day test, its just gonna be an academic potential test and some kind of subject specific test. If its a 3 days test, its like the 1 day test but I'll be spending the next couple of days doing practical test. And then I have a graduation party(?) to attend on Saturday. The rest after that is still unclear, since there's nothing to set scheduled on. At least, nothing that I know of.
Here's my prediction: with the test coming up, after checking the test location you can be damn sure my dad is gonna hammer down the pressure on me. You can also be sure about how I'm gonna do a fuck ton of venting from it here. He's gonna tell me to study, but I won't. I'm set on failing the test since it has no consequence, but I'll still try my best. I'll just not study, that's all. After the test I'll have a brief moment of peace for a day before mom starts panicking about what should I wear to the graduation party(?) the next day. The rest after that is still undecided. I'll just wing it.
Hmm...
Maybe I shouldn't close this yet, since the first few entries are very short. To make this longer, I'll tell you about something I had in mind recently. This doesn't exactly fit in as an Untimed material since it has something to do with my daily days, but I'll make a longer version there too. Its about college. Or rather, its about this vacation after graduation exams.
You see, I had it all wrong.
I'm gonna make this a 3 part story. Part 1: a summary of what happened. Part 2: what I should've done. What I should want to do. Part 3: my predictions of the 2 situations.
Part 1. Since about the last month of school, I've been living a very lazy life. I think its because I had a series of tests in a row instead of studying in class. In my words, I spent my last days accomplishing a specific set of objectives that spun me out of my usual routines, instead of doing said routines. I didn't like these sets of objectives and it created a negative impression about studying in my head, making me lazy. Think of it as some kind of mental block. After the exams, I thought it was all over and I finally have my freedom back. But it didn't turn everything back to normal, I was confused because I no longer have a routine to go through. My first week of vacation was an experiment to find the most enjoyable way to waste time, and it was a success. I repeated that week for the remainder of this holiday and here I am now. Panicking.
First, believe it or not, I realized this after I re-watched an anime series. Seriously. Now, the actual part 2. What I should be doing since the last day of school is to think about my future. What I wanted to do was go to a university near my cousin's house. I wanted to go to UGM Yogyakarta. I can live with my cousin. And then things happened. Grandpa died. Dad didn't have the money for my plans. I lost my purpose, that's how I ended hating university life before even starting it. If I could go to UGM, I could live with grandma and accompany her. Now I'm stuck with a subject I don't know shit about, even though I got in without having to go through some bullshit test because I was good enough. I should be studying. I should get help studying. I should be going out. Even if I didn't enter the university I wanted, I still should study because I don't know shit about what all these things are. At least, I should lose weight before orientation.
Part 3. Part 1. I'm gonna be stressed out. I'm gonna fail the test, but it shouldn't matter because it has no consequence. After that, I'm gonna waste what's left of my holidays playing games and watching anime before the first day of college. The start of my so-called "University Life." I'm gonna make a clean plate for it. I'll forget about everything about school including friends and teachers. I'll forget them, I won't miss them. At college I'm gonna study harder than anyone because, probably I'm the one who knows the least about what I'm supposed to do there. Part 2. If I knew this kind of thing would happen, I'll get stressed out. In an alternate universe I might not write anything at all in my blog after the national exams because I'm too busy studying. From April to July would be empty. No monthly posts.
Monday, June. 08/06/2015. 12:53
So, I'm stupid. I was supposed to write this last night while the memory is this fresh but I was too tired and sleepy even though I can't sleep until 2 in the morning. And then somehow I fell asleep. Right now, I'm at school. Mom said I have to collect some kind of permission letter so that I can take the bullshit test tomorrow. But the interesting story isn't about today, or at least, not yet. Its about yesterday.
Yesterday, I went with my family to check the test location out. It was a boring trip. More than one hour on the highway to a shit university? It was Sunday, but the traffic still got jammed heavily. Seriously. How am I gonna arrive on time tomorrow? I don't know and, honestly, I don't care. If I can't join the test because I'm late then so be it. I'm not planning to ace it either.
After we visit that place, we went to another place. Almost an hour trip to a mall. The plan was to go there for lunch and play at the Timezone arcade. There were so many things I want there. So many. On our way to get lunch, my brother, dad and I stopped in front of a shop while mom looks around in a jewelry shop. It looked like a survival game accessories shop. Its got BB gun pellets and paper targets, but no actual BB gun. Weird, right?
It does have an RPG-7 on display but the rocket is missing its explosive tip. Granted, its just an accessories shop so its doesn't have a full inventory. I saw a hat and it costs around RP 420.000. That's crazy expensive! Its just a damn hat! A cool looking hat! Its about 30 US Dollars after converted, but here that amount of money is more that what I have for a month. What's ridiculous is they sell fucking handcuffs for around RP 200.000, compared to a hat. I'm not seeing things, I double checked it.
After we had lunch, we went to the Timezone arcade. The plan was: the kids play, the parents shop. What we found out is that the place has disappeared. Mom did say the last time we went to this mall was more than 4 years ago, many things must've changed, right? We stopped at a toy store instead.
I don't know what my brother was doing but I was searching for the Gundam aisle while dad went to the Hot Wheels diecast aisle. When I was on my way there, I saw something. I saw people painting statue-like scale models. Very small. I went back to fetch my brother. When we came back and took a closer inspection, it was a promo for Warhammer 40.000 scale models made by Games Workshop. Fucking WH40K, dude. What the hell. The models were very small, maybe just 4 cm tall, 2 cm wide, its highly detailed, though. We asked a bunch of stuff to the salesman and after a while, I realized this hobby is fucking expensive! Damn!
The next thing that happen was pure idiocy. My idiocy.
Before we went home mom wanted to buy something, maybe cake? I forgot. While we wait for her I googled Games Workshop Indonesia, and one of the results said there's a shop right there in the mall. I was excited, I told dad about it and we all went to the shop. And, as I suspected, we couldn't find it. We asked a bunch security guys about it and they pointed out 2 locations. One on the top floor while the other is in the walkway on the second floor. After we went to the first location, it wasn't the location we're looking for, Games Station. "What the fuck!?" I thought. What an idiot.
I thought there was a misunderstanding, an error in translation, but I quickly dismissed that. We set off to the next location and what I found was utter disappointment. It was a videogame shop, called Games Workshop. They got the name right, but the contents weren't the ones I was looking for, a hobby shop. There's no WH40K Games Workshop shop here in Indonesia, what was I thinking?
We went home right after.
Tuesday, June. 09/06/2015 05:14
I'm awake. I'm still tired. Still sleepy. I'm waiting to take a bath, all the bathrooms are being used. I wanna sleep. Next, we'll go on a car ride to the place.
08:17
This is it, guys. I'm at the place. This place is high. I'm at the 4th floor and I'll have you know, I'm not good with heights. Wish me luck, guys. Let's do this.
08:32
Okay, I was wrong. I am early, way early, like a lot of people here. But unlike them, I don't actually want to do this. While we wait for the bell to ring or whatever, why not talk a bit.
This place reminds me a lot about my old school, TJS. Its not about the architecture or anything, but the feeling. I feel weird, uneasy. I also realize a lot of people here came with a friend or just a bunch of strangers grouped up in some spots. I came here alone. Well, not really alone. I came with my parents here but in the school area no one is allowed in except for students who are taking the test and some school officials.
I don't know, man. I don't like this place. Its like, everywhere is filled with bad feelings. I just hope nothing bad happens. When I walked in from the front gate to the test building I can see people from higher floors looking down. I hate that feeling of being seen from above. It reminds me so much of my old school.
Saturday, June. 13/06/2015 12:05
I graduated.
Monday, June. 15/06/2015 08:27
I think I'm starting to lose it, guys. I haven't used my laptop in 3 days and when I started her up this morning I almost kissed the screen. I blame Rizky for blessing my laptop and me the gift of anime. I mean, just look at her! She's hella cute! She can be my girlfriend, or my sister.
...I need a life.
Tuesday, June. 16/06/2015 08:54
My brother wanted a PC game and asked me whether I saved it somewhere on my external drive. I checked it and found it, reported to my brother, and copied it. When I was waiting for it to finish, I found a folder of anime OST. I checked one of the folder and played a song. I didn't know what it is because I can't speak Japanese, but when I hear it, I gasped so hard I almost ended up crying. A tear fell down, though. "Kimi no Shiranai Monogatari," I remembered. I don't know why I almost cried. I've probably heard it a million times as an anime ending song. Probably because the song reminded me of 2 person I'll never see again, and both are a fan of the same anime series. I remember Rizky giving it to me on his last visit almost 6 months ago. We never talked again after that, but he was my saviour, and I still think of him as one.
Rizky delivers. Thanks, old friend.
15:07
I don't really have anything important to say but I think I'll just talk for a while because I'm at the pool right now, waiting for my brother. Its been quite some time since the last time I swam and I have a bad feeling about this. Maybe its just me, I don't know. When I arrive at the front desk I saw many people standing around, and from the water splashes I heard in the background I'm pretty sure the pool is crowded. Its the holidays, after all. I don't know, man, I don't like this.
Wednesday, June. 17/06/2015 13:25
Wazzup, boys and girls!?
Okay, I planned to write this yesterday but I was too tired from the swimming and the walking.
So, yesterday.
As expected, the pool was filled with people. I couldn't swim in a straight line, so most of the time I spent there was to wait for an opening, and joking around with my brother. We were there for almost 2 hours if I remember correctly. After an hour has passed, I saw someone. I don't know who it was, she was a total stranger. Yeah, really. I was diving- well, not really diving, just swimming really close to the floor in that 3~5 meter deep part, when I looked to the side and saw her body. No, she wasn't naked. (Shame.) Agreed. And, yes. This is the part where I shamelessly talk about a stranger's body.
She wore a black one piece swimsuit with red trimmings, like someone once did. And, wow, was she beautiful. Nah, da booty ain't great, and her boobs weren't huge, but her proportions are beautiful and pleasing to look at. Everything was just right. She is what a highschool student should look like! After a few laps, I joined my brother and told him about her. The next few laps are just us being creepy and judging her body, and to our luck, more girls came. They're all great. My bro got a good look at the main girl's face and he said she's gorgeous. I'm super jealous of it. >.<
During all that creepy time, the doctor came. I think I've never told this to you, but there's an old man who is a regular swimmer, like us. He's a doctor and he lives nearby. He always swim laps nonstop for an hour or more before going home. I wonder how he's not tired from all that, then again he might have gotten used to it anyway, and he wears those fin-like things on his feet. When I was taking a break, he approached me and greeted me. This isn't how things usually go, so I'm a little bit suspicious. I was expecting some lame greeting and regular questions like "how old are you? which school do you go to?" Yadda yadda yadda, when suddenly he asked me if I lost something.
After a short Q&A, he said he found my goggles that I left and kept it to give it to me, but I never came back since I lost it, and now I'm reunited with my newish goggles.
Truly. Bad feelings turned great.
Saturday, June. 20/06/2015 14:48
I'm famished... *ahem*
Hey there, boys and girls. Aex here, starving, thirsty and bored. The holy month of Ramadan has arrived for us Muslims and we will spending the next month fasting. It started on Thursday, so today is the third day of Ramadan, at least in Indonesia. Here, a Wikipedia link. Use Google, you guys. Don't be so lazy. :/
Just kidding. You're all very diligent.
Its very tough for me to do this because I'm such a glutton. A ravenous pig. But somehow I have been successfully doing this for 3 years in a row now. Somehow... Maybe its because of school helping me pass the time with things like studying and other stuff. I don't know. Anyway, this year is different for me because I'm on vacation.
My watch later playlist on my YouTube account is finally empty. I never got to watch them all for god knows how many months. I finally continued my WH40K:DoW:SS Chaos campaign which I abandoned many months ago. I will eventually have to come up with something new each day to kill time.
I don't know how I'm gonna spend the next 27 days or so fasting without any major time wasting event. Oh, you boys and girls, please, lend me your strength. No? Okay. ;_;
20:47
I'm currently taking a break from making this month's cover, titled "I'm Done with You." Inspired by my mixed feelings regarding Audrey's statement a while back. With only about a week left in June I thought, why not make it while there's still time? And while we're here, why not talk a bit. There's something I forgot to write this morning because I am a moron watched YouTube earlier than usual.
So, I was just gonna take a bottle of water from the fridge before writing this. I realized that since I've gotten so tall, I have to squat to take a look at the entire lower portion of the fridge, instead of just bending over. When I was looking around for a snack, I realized there's no way there would be any, because no one would open the fridge as long as the sun's still up. The only moment I would be opening the fridge aside from sunset and onwards is before the sun rises, and it reminded me of this morning's family conversation.
It was really early in the morning, around 03:20 to 04:30, we've all finished eating. Mom's still in bed because she's still menstruating and therefore not fasting. My bro, dad, and I had an after meal talk. I asked dad about Adit, because he knew more about him with a single look than me who knew him for 3 years. He said he was a proud person.
"Confidence is good, but don't take it too far and make yourself look cocky. The way he behaves tells you that he thinks of himself as higher and better than anyone in the room." This made me nervous. It made me realize how much I don't know about the world. I need to be more careful. While I was deep in my thoughts, my brother asked dad stuff about internship, college and work. I was just sitting there, listening. This scared me. I think I almost had a panic attack. After all that talk I went to sleep.
I don't know how I slept much easier than usual, but it felt good. I think its because I didn't move much in bed, I was shivering from the cold even though I covered myself well. I woke up at 8 but I was just half awake. I had a dream. I dreamt of my characters in Players. I really don't know why I had this dream, I swear. The protagonist is having sex with his currently not known sister. It was very graphic. The fact that it was very vivid in my head and I was still having my morning wood didn't help. I woke up after climaxing. It was 9 o'clock.
I woke up gasping. After sitting for a few seconds I realized there's something going on outside the room. Dad was blasting pop music I couldn't care about via Bluetooth to his new radio/speaker set he bought the other day. I think that's how I dreamt that scene. I just hoped there's no parties in my pants so I immediately took a bath.
... Hey. Just between us? The dream was quite good, actually. I've been cutting back on reading doujins, so that might be me just wanting to read more. I won't write it here. I mean, I might still write it down for myself, but I won't put it here. I use words like fuck, shit, and other things but I won't write sex stories here. Nope. Not only because I want this site safe for work, but also because I can't take it. Fantasizing like that would break me. Also, my parents might read it. One day, thought. When I finally have the balls, I'll post something like that in here as much as I want.
...I have balls. It's a metaphor.
Monday, June. 22/06/2015 12:50
You wanna know how much energy 3 medium sized slices of frozen cheese pizza gives you? Can it last for 12 hours? I'll give the answer in 6 hours time. For now, I'm just gonna pour a little thought from my head meat. I woke up at 8 this morning and swore upon my soul to dedicate this day for drawing, and I've been quite successful, until I decided to draw geometry. I haven't opened my laptop yet, and only grab the PSP if my phone needs charging.
You must be thinking "What a boring entry. Have you ran out of things to talk about?" Apparently, yes. I do think I've nothing more to talk about. There's still 8 days before July comes and I'm pretty sure nothing interesting is gonna happen. To be honest, I've never felt so- not empty, I don't know the word. Way back then I still have things to write even in the holidays, I don't know what happened to me. Perhaps things will start getting interesting when college starts, and that is still 1~2 months away. I don't know, this vacation is very empty. Devoid of activities.
Feel free to leave, I won't have any hard feelings against you. This is just a diary, anyway. Instead, I feel happy, knowing you stuck around spending your time reading my thoughts on things until at least this sentence.
Tuesday, June. 23/06/2015 09:40
Nope, 3 medium slices of frozen cheese pizza wasn't enough. I'll stick with pancake with cheese even though I'll get bored of it eventually.
Thursday, June. 25/06/2015 11:27
Excuse me, I'm going to be very childish.
I went out of the room because the maid asked me what I wanted for dinner, after that's done I tried to make small talk with my brother. His response was very rude. I had a surge of anger, and sadness. I responded with "Just askin'..." and then slammed the door. Everything was just going so well for last 2 weeks, what happened? He ran out of internet, and is bored. He borrows my PSP frequently, and I lent him my internet if I'm not using it. I did a good job, right? Now, I want to have revenge by not giving him any, but for what? Its just gonna make things more bitter between us. I'm clueless about what to do at times like this, its hard to control those pulses. All I can think about is... make some distance. Its not a great solution, its just running away.
I don't think today will end well.
22:24
I've just realized that I've been on vacation for more than 2 months. There's a lot of things that could have happened in that period of time. I was about to say "nothing really happened" but then I remembered the university entry test thingy and Audrey hating on me. I'm not quite sure on how to put this in English, but let's just say that those kinds of things weren't interesting activities that I wanted to participate in, things that makes me want to write about it because its interesting, not because it just happened.
Writing those things doesn't really quench my... my urge, I guess? My urge to write these entries. It doesn't make me feel like "Hey, this happened and it was so cool! Let me explain." Most of the time I wasted in this 2 months period is just for lazing around, not knowing what to do. I'm pretty sure by the time I started my college life my brain would've been downgraded so much because of how much less its used for complicated tasks, and lack of use in general. I'm getting dumber.
You dumb, me smash dumb rock now.
No, seriously. Its like lifting a bucket of water outdoors in winter. If the bucket stays still, the water inside would freeze, but it won't if you wiggle it around enough. My brain is progressively freezing. I need to exercise my brain. Scratch that, I need to exercise, period. Too bad it ain't happenin'. :/
Wednesday, July. 01/07/2015 09:58
I had a dream. You may skip this as this is totally unnecessary.
"So, it was set some time in the near future where I live separately from my parents for college. I lived in an apartment. One day I decided to find a way to skip all the ladder climbing to get to my room faster. When I went out I saw a way to climb from one balcony to another, but I have to use another person's room to get to it. There was my old classmates living in said room, Hanny, Vivi, Shelvy and Junius. I said I wanted their help and Junius agreed to help by guiding me as I hang from balcony to balcony. Instead I got lost and Junius laughs in the distance. I backtracked and found him. I spent several minutes chasing him in the girls' room before suddenly a kid with Arabian ethnicity appeared and told me to stop. I stopped and realized the scenery has changed completely, the girls and Junius is nowhere to be found. I was in a large open space, like a terrace or something. Confused, I wanted to get out of there and walked towards a stair. An old Arabian grandfather lead the way up for me. I looked up the stairs and suddenly it literally became an uphill climb with only a rope for me to hang on to.
It was a weird scene, the rope ladder was shaped like hexagonal blocks taped together. The climb gets steeper as I go, and midway there, the rope broke. It was not very sloped(?) and I could still stand there even though I must grab hold on to the holes on the ground. I continued climbing and out of instinct I progressively go to the side, my left side, to be exact, because I saw wider, less steep platforms below me. I jumped there and repeated the climbing and jumping several times as I go to the top. A few times I realized there were cars trying to climb uphill to no avail, and as I was just realizing this I saw a car falling down and it would've hit me if I hadn't jumped to the side. There was a landslide. I was hanging on some kind of tarp, resting upon barbed wires on an impossibility tall and thin wall. The tarp looked like its very long and might be submerged partially as I saw below me there was a lake. I looked down and to the side slightly and saw many cars stacked together from the landslide. I thought "maybe I should take a pic and post them on instagram" as Angel's face popped into my head.
Despite what's happened, I was unconsciously screaming "holy shit" continuously from the top of my lungs. The tarp started swinging and I panicked. I thought I might as well risk it and jump from the tarp and into the wall, or rather, the barbed wires. I couldn't make it and fell into the lake. In midair I saw several men swimming away from where I was supposed to fall, and after I hit the water I swam back up. I felt very heavy because of my college gear and I tried to scream for help for a while. No one listened and I finally drowned. I woke up after that gasping like fish out of the water."
There's this bullshit dream section (two if you count the incest) written in this post. Why am I telling you this? Because I rarely ever dream. (And because I've nothing interesting happening in real life.) There are times when I blink and its already morning, times when I knew I dreamt about something and forgot about it, and times when I can remember the dream. In the last 2 weeks, since the start of Ramadan I have only dreamt twice. Its such a big deal for me.
Real talk now.
Hey, boys and girls, how're you doing? Me, not so fine. I lack sleep, I need more rest. Why, you say? Motherfucking mosquitoes. Also, I woke up finding my house empty! My butler has been away since before Ramadan started and it's unclear if he's gonna return, my parents went to work, my bro went to school after his 2 weeks vacation, and my maid- she's just outside buying vegetables.
You must be (or not) wondering about why I put so little text on the day I had my graduation party thing, just saying *cue Christian Bale's Batman voice* "I graduated." First, my brother put it in the best way possible, "Graduation isn't an achievement, its an expectation." If any, it put me in a worse situation than where I was. It wasn't a party, it was a ceremony. A boring-ass ceremony, where I walk up a flight of stair, pose, shake hands, and go down a flight of stair. I did cry because I never thought I'd get this far, but the excitements were outlasted by the boredom. I happily bid farewell to my classmates that I can't put up with. I won't miss any of them. I mean, shit, the only people I will miss are probably those who I don't get to see every single fucking day, like underclassmen, or little kids. Yeah.
No, I'm not a pedophile.
Also, I bought a new gadget 4 days ago. Asus fonepad 8. I bought it to help me draw, but other than that, I don't know. I don't really wanna talk about it because of my family's behavior when I bought it was very embarrassing. "Buy this accessory!" "This one's cheaper!" "Can we get a discount!?" My god...
Anyway, I'm ending the post here. You may theorize on what the dream meant because I know I did. I think I'm going nuts. I mean, aside from the random Arabian faces, why is there only 5 people I know? 1 guy, 4 girls, all Chinese in ethnicity. What's with the landslide?
Ah, whatever.
See you later, everyone.
-Aex
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