OD 32: "I'm Done With You."

This OD tells my daily days in May.

I turned 18 years old and found out grandpa died on my birthday, I get frustrated at home because of its residents, I thanked the kind strangers on the Internet, and I found out Audrey finally hates me.

Warning: Post contains swearing. Reader discretion is advised. Its been so long since the last time I've written so much cuss words in a post.

And look, I drew something to slap it on the top of the post.

Monday, May. 04/05/2015 22:52

Hey there. How're you doing, boys and girls? Doing fine I hope. As for myself, I've been better.

For some reason I've been in a bad mood all day, even now. I figured it was because of my boredom and lack of sleep, but that's not it. I realized I've been reliving the bad decisions I've made, playing them in my head.

22:55

Dad came out to tell me to sleep. He sounded pissed. (sarcasm) Wow, I didn't know we had a curfew. (/sarcasm) I know I'm just angry now and it'll pass after some time, but I wanna say, fuck him.

Now, back on track. I've been remembering the bad decisions I've made. Not all the way back from when I dropped out, I'm way past that. I can live with that, I accepted that. Its just the recent ones I've made, the ones from the start of my vacation.

I just made a bad decision, I just did. Disobeying my dad and rising my voice while I'm at it. Not to mention the bad excuse that went along with it.

"Get to sleep. Go to bed." No.
"You can play with your phone in your room." Its cold inside.

Heh.

Dad has this skill that few people I know actually possess, and that is minding everyone's business. Not just his family, but also his neighbors, or just anything that moves and breathes. He just couldn't stop poking his nose where it doesn't belong.

He can choose to help his family, even in his dire financial state. That is, on the verge of being unemployed. But he chooses, what, his biweekly hobby of doing 10k marathon runs and getting the gear from it. He uses his money to run, get a medal, a shirt, a photo, and bragging rights, instead of using the same amount of money to feed his family for a month. (sarcasm) Oho, of course, I'm a nobody, so I have no rights whatsoever to judge him. Oh, no. (/sarcasm)

I'll just pour what I thought here. From the start of this vacation, I started to get difficulty sleeping, even more than I usually do. Maybe I sleep for 4 hours a day, starting from 1 in the morning to whenever I wake up. I usually lay my head in the bed since 10 at night but can't sleep, and rolls around in bed for hours. I open my eyes whenever my parents prepare to left for work at around 5 but pretend I'm still asleep until my bro left for school at 7.

I woke up stiff for every single day of this vacation because I pretended I was still sleeping. I don't care if they actually know that I'm pretending or if they don't. I just want to be able to fucking sleep for 8 hours or even more. God, please. Fucking please.

I get more and more exhausted everyday because I don't rest enough. BUT EVEN AT HOME I DON'T DO SHIT!!! AND IT TIRES ME!!! IT FUCKS ME UP KNOWING THAT EVEN DOING NOTHING CAN MAKE ME THIS TIRED!!! FUCK!!! God damn it... I don't even go out. Not one day. If its for swimming, its because dad told me to. He'll get pissed if I don't use the money he left at home to go swimming. Why is this so fucking important to him, anyway?

I can't actually scream, you know. I have always had this low volume voice. Whenever I try, it hurts. Maybe all my voice belong to my brother. Its just isn't my gift to have an even moderately loud voice. And my brother is loud. Both literally and figuratively. He likes to talk a whole fucking lot. He's so arrogant. So god damn fucking much. He hates anyone that doesn't agree with him and also hates everyone younger than him, and he'll think of them as idiots and brats. I guess he's been looking at a mirror lately.

Before this vacation, I've been playing a game called Monster Hunter on my PSP. Since the start of this vacation, not only I've been playing the game less and less, I barely touch my PSP anymore. One day, he asked me if he could play and I said, why not? He was happy. That's good. He made a new profile on an open slot and starts playing. Some next few days after that, he asked about something in the game. I explained it to him like what an older brother would do. He then said he's been having difficulty progressing through the game on his PSP.

Your PSP?
"Sorry, I meant yours."

FUCK!!! YOU!!! Go ahead and claim everything you touch. I can't do shit anyway. You'll always gain the parents' favor. Fucking territorial piece of shit.

Of course, I stayed calm and smiled through all that. Explaining stuff that needs some clearing up, giving tips and tricks, being friendly about it. It wouldn't be so bad if he actually listened to me instead of cutting me every 5 words with his stories of in game progress.

As the day passes, it hurts more. Seeing him playing what's mine and almost claimed it as his, it burns me inside. But what the fuck, right? It was my decision to let him play, hell, I even endorsed him to play because I wasn't even using my PSP anymore. Sometimes, I don't get myself.

Fuck me.

Fuck me running uphill and back down a landslide of sexual majesty.

23:51

I'm tired, boys and girls. But not sleepy.

I know the only person I've never talked shit about is my mother. I might actually have in a previous OD but didn't realize it. I love my mom. I love her more than anyone in the house. She can be a pain sometimes, but I love my mom.

I don't know, man. She's just so good at being bearable. I've never had something so bad that involves her that I need to write it here. Not that can remember, anyway.

Saturday, May. 09/05/2015 22:38

You know, I might have to start spending my spare time offline, vacation or no vacation. I have a habit to check my phone whenever I can if I have nothing to do. I really need to go back into being productive, and by productive I mean real productive, not playing games and making story progress, or continuing an anime series. Even though I don't really have anything to do at home, at least I should work on something, right? Like drawing, or writing stories. But since I finally opened this document, why not talk a bit.

Its currently raining with thunder outside. For safety purposes, electronic appliances connected to a power source, like TV or desktop PC, are to be shut down and unplugged. A few years back, the TV that is now sitting in the living room, the one I use to play the PS2 on, was actually my dad's TV. It used to be in my parents room so they can watch TV before going to sleep. And by them I mean dad, because mom likes to sleep early and complain about how volume is too high, or why haven't dad turned the lights off yet.

One night, it was raining much like right now. Some time after my dad went to sleep, a lightning bolt struck a nearby tree outside the housing complex. I woke up, my bro woke up, the entire house woke up because of the huge thundering bang, but we went back to sleep afterwards, oblivious to the fact that dad's TV has been fried. Dad found out in the morning. Thankfully, the TV got fixed and so I get to use it to play with the PS2 because dad thought, even though the TV got fixed he felt it just wasn't the same so he bought a new one. The hell? Whatever. And the unlucky tree? It fell and blocked one of the entrances into the housing complex.

Now, lets talk about something more recent. Since the start of this holiday I've been jumping from one gadget to another, trying to find any activity I can do to lift my boredom. Nowadays I mostly I play the PS2 except when dad is home because he like to watch the TV that's in the living room instead of his. I also used my laptop several times to watch anime and play pre-2010 games. I've been trying to not use my phone as much as possible.

23:00 Fuck. That was a huge bang. Surprised the shit outta me. Lol

Naw, I ain't afraid of lightning, but I am easily surprised.

Anyway, I try not to use my laptop or my phone as much as I can and divert my attention to the PS2 because I wanna lay off on internet usage because I burn through them like a madman. I know I can just do offline stuff on my phone and laptop such as playing games or watching anime, but there's not much I can do with my Chinese phone and my laptop- I'm just not really used to use it for anything more than playing games and watching anime, or doing homework. Doing it half-assed, that is.

The games that I played on my laptop/PSP/PS2 are kind of boring. Mostly because I don't have too much game to play on them so its either switching between multiple games and not having too much progress with them, or sticking with one game and 100%-ing them like what I did with Dissidia Final Fantasy. I played it for almost 5 years. The actual 100%-ing is actually done in less than a year, the rest is just not deleting it from my PSP and playing it to waste time in Quick Battle.

Tuesday, May. 12/05/2015 22:06

Is there anything I can do beside playing games? Yeah. Drawing or writing stuff. But, I don't know, boys and girls. I just don't have the drive anymore. The motivation, inspiration, or whatever. Writing stuff beside ODs, such as Stories and Untimeds, is kind of hard for me to do nowadays. Its like whenever I open those folders my mind just went blank, or somehow I find something to distract me away from it.

What about drawing? Well, I've never even touched a pen since the start of this vacation. I created a schedule in my mind and it goes as follows: after getting up in the morning, or, whenever, I would either lock myself in my parents room and use my laptop, or stay in the living room and play the PS2. I do them both until dark, stepping out only to eat, take a piss or a bath. Later in the night, I struggle with my sleep difficulty and if I'm not writing these entries, I make plans for tomorrow. I considered several times on doing other things than watching old anime series / playing Persona 3 on the PS2, like drawing, but I just can't seem to commit myself of doing it.

Man, what a mess. I haven't been doing anything with my life this vacation.

Friday, May. 15/05/2015 13:29

Thank you, strangers on the Internet!

I just want to put it out there for anyone who deserves it, for like, making walkthroughs, guides or a statistics table for games, answering with simple English for non-native speakers like me, and most importantly, putting up download links for images, songs or videos for free.

Thank you.

Sunday, May. 17/05/2015 21:00

So, May 14th was a day off, right? Mother's Day? Well, Indonesian's Mother's Day in on the 22nd of December, but it doesn't matter because everyone got a day off. Grandma came in yesterday and is now staying in my house for God knows when, and I know, without a shadow of a doubt that my vacation will never be the same. It wouldn't be as peaceful as it was before-- hell, peaceful would be the last word I'll use my vacation if it ends. And I will use it like this: its not peaceful. Oh, dad went to his mom's house via airplane for 5 days to attend some kind of event and to visit his dad's grave while he's there.

You know, I've been really addicted to YouTube recently and I think I need to stop for a second and rethink my life. Obviously, I can't stop, but I had my calm moments and was able to think deep, at least about recent stuff. When I said grandma is gonna make my vacation not peaceful, its because she has nothing to do beside watching TV at her room so whenever she came out to do something she would almost certainly let everyone know. I'll make some examples. Note: Kakak in Indonesian means big brother/sister. Most Indonesian words are gender neutral. Some examples are hard to properly translate.

"Ah, Kakak woke up. Give me a hug." Morning... *hugs*
"Kakak has taken a bath. Let me smell you." *gets smelled and hugged*
"Kakak, grandma is eating lunch/dinner." Okay, grandma.
"Kakak, have you had lunch/dinner?" I'll eat later.
"Kakak, we're pinned down. Reinforcements are coming but their efforts advancing have been suppressed, so until they arrive we must hold them off ourselves." Damnation, take alpha squad with you and set up a perimeter further back, I'll go secure the front area. Conserve ammo, make sure every shot counts.

...

Okay, that last one never happened. It'd be interesting though.

I mean, its not so bad, she's just trying to connect with people. But I always got carried away with games and stuff. Anyway, I think I also found out why I am easily irritated during this holiday. You see, I've been trying to figure out why I'm so sensitive at home lately and I think its because I haven't been channeling my hatred at school towards certain individuals. For example, Adit doesn't seem so bad now compared to when I still have to see him around school. But still, looking at his profile or simply remembering him lowers my mood.

I also haven't been trying to avoid the people from IPS class which I think is a good exercise. That satisfying feeling when I managed to not have to deal with them all day, really good. It lowers my stress level by a lot. Even if I didn't have a good day, I usually got home stress free.

Anyway, it doesn't really clear up why I'm still so sensitive. I don't usually lash out at dad or my bro if I'm pissed at home, I just hold it in or channel it in games. Man, I feel horrible.

I'm gonna stop here and actually draw something now. I'll make a (crappy) image for the opening of this post instead of a photo like last time. I'll try and do this every time I post ODs and maybe Untimed posts. Btw since I'm a crappy artist, don't judge, okay? Its just to kill time. And maybe I'll draw based on last entry's title. "After The Storm." I-its not like I draw it to impress you or anything... Y-you dummy.

Lol, tits.

I'm just kidding. You're a wonderful person. You all are.

Wednesday, May. 20/05/2015 12:15

Yo! Wassup, you wonderful boys and girls you?

I learned an interesting fact today. But first, some news. Yesterday, dad arrived safely home after his 5 day trip to his mom's house. Earlier that day, my mom's mom went on a vacation with my mom's sister for 2 days. Wow, what an exchange. And now, the interesting fact: I learned that mom's dad died on my birthday. Not on the day when I was born but on one of my birthdays. Kind of depressing, huh?

I learned this fact when I asked my... how should I say... butler? Yeah, let's use that. I asked my butler when will grandma come home. He answered me and added a little comment about how grandma planned to come home a day or two before my birthday, depending on the time she departs. "Oh, right. My birthday." I said. Then he said grandpa died on my birthday. Just like that, out of the blue. He didn't say he died when I was born or he died on one of my birthdays. Although I can't remember him, I remember mom and grandma said I used to be close to him. That's why I thought he died on one of my birthdays.

Okay, enough with the depressing talk. Let's talk about my "Butler" instead, shall we? Don't worry, its just a filler, and a short one, too. My butler's name is Erom. He's not really a butler, I just don't know what English word I should use. He keeps the house running, because as far as I can remember, he's the only man in the house who is very handy and capable of fixing almost anything, as long as its not an electronic item. He's been in the family for a long time. Before I was born, he took care of my mom, and her mom. I remember when I was a kid I dreamed to be like him. Handy and dependable. What a man.

23:47 Around 15 minutes before fucking midnight.

I have finally reached the fucking point where I just don't give a fuck anymore. Nuh-uh. Aex doesn't care. I ran out of fucks. Wait for it to grow back.

Mom came home today bearing news, bad news. She said I should take an entry test(?) for college, and dad already registered me, but I'm not so sure about that. I mean, what? Why? Apparently, dad wanted me to apply to more than one universities and-- agh, I don't know how to put it in English. Put it simply, he did something without my consent.

Fuck. Okay, I'll try and translate my thoughts in order.

I was playing my PSP when mom went home, and suddenly she asked me whether if school officials have contacted me or not, because formal schools have attended graduation parties(?). She then said I need to take some kind of bullshit test so that I can apply to more than just one college.

Then dad came home. I asked him the fucking reason of this because he didn't tell me anything. Why should I apply to another university? I already got through one without having to attend some bullshit test, so why would I want to apply to another? He said-- ugh, he said it was for my experience, that everyone who graduated highschool should want to do it.

Fucking what!? No! I don't want this, not ever. I don't want to take any fucking part in this. I don't understand.

I was so fucking angry. I was so sad, but the tears just won't come out. I don't even know anymore. Maybe I'm already too numb to express such emotions.

I hope you boys and girls are having a better time than I do, wherever and whenever you are and in whatever you are doing.

I know you know what I'm gonna do next. Nope, I'm not gonna kill myself. Yes, I'll just not care. Life is hard.

Thursday, May. 21/05/2015 17:21

I planned to end this post here because I'm already too fucking tired, but there's still 10 days left till the end of this month and who knows what will happen in those 10 days, right?

But what the hell. As I said earlier, I'm tired. I'm just gonna let time pass by unnoticed. I don't know, though. I might write some more at the end in case something interesting happened. Probably gonna stop and post this entry around 4 days before June comes. For now, see you later, boys and girls.

Friday, May. 22/05/2015 09:01

"You have drawn a fortune."
"You will have bad luck."
Bad luck?
"I'm done. I'm done with you."

So, Audrey posted this on her Instagram. I stumbled upon this just after I wake up. So, she found out the shady shit I did to her online, and maybe she finally hates me. Its not a pretty big deal for me.

Okay, I lied. I was a bit surprised, but this was to be expected. Although, my hand is still shaking from the news. What surprised me more is, how long it took for her to realize, and how I currently feel about. I thought its not gonna affect me significantly, I feel messed up.

"Wow, what? Lol that can't be true, coming from someone who pretended to be several people at once. From a fake person."

Believe what you want, but that's how I feel.

Here's the thing: the cat's out of the bag and I'm expecting mayhem, hatred. But the cat didn't make any mess for quite some time, and I'm already way past that. By the time the cat starts to jump around, I didn't expect that. It took me by surprise.

Before I wrote this, I was pretty shaken. I put down my phone, watched some TV (which is pretty rare for me. Even I realize that), ate breakfast, and played some PSP. I distracted myself from this on purpose, to no effect. After all that rambling I just wrote, I don't feel any better. I'll just move on naturally, though. Something like this won't take hold of my life for very long.

But what's with that "I'm done with you." part? Are we breaking up or something? What, were we dating? Is that it? No, we were just some... internet best friend. If that's how you put it then, okay. "I'm done with you too. I probably won't meet you again except some freak accident happen. I hate you."

In all seriousness, though. Since she finally knows the truth, I hope she can find peace.

I hope you can find peace.

Monday, May 25/05/2015 17:32

As of yesterday, I'll be living as an 18 y/o for a year.

Happy birthday to me... or something.

Yesterday was a good day overall, but not very enjoyable. There's nothing worth celebrating over my birthday. All I get is responsibility and expectations from my parents and grandmas. Oh, well.

I knew I had it coming, so I'm okay with that. The thing is, dad still bugged me about taking that bullshit test, just as I was finally able to enjoy the day. What a way to ruin it, dad. You're so persistent. And mom wanted me to take driving lessons. That's impossible, man. I lack sufficient environmental- and self-awareness to do such things. I'm not even decent at playing FPS games, how am I gonna drive?

About what Audrey posted about me in her Instagram, I know I shouldn't be posting it here without her consent, but I've already done something like this with her AskFM answers, and she already hates me so it doesn't really matter, anyway.

You know, about what Audrey wrote about me? Deep down, I kinda wished it was some kind of cruel birthday joke.

People would get distant, and sometimes outright reject any interaction with me. And then, on my birthday, they would surprise me and tell me it was supposed to be a joke. A joke to make the surprise... even more surprising. You know, that kind of thing.

But seeing the contents of her post, it can't be a joke, right? Haha

What was I thinking...

21:33

Both mom and dad still bugged me about the test. I'm sick of it. I said "Okay, I'll do it." Then they asked me to choose 3 separate universities beside my main one. I picked randomly. God help me.

This post was originally titled "This Cage I Call Home" but after Audrey made her post, I renamed it "I'm Done With You" because I'm done with this post.

I'll keep writing. See you later.

-Aex