OD 34.1: Update, I'm Alive.

Tuesday, January. 19/01/2016 23:18

Hey.

First, I'm sorry.

Then...

Have a (VERY late) Merry Christmas and a Happy (belated) New Year, boys and girls!!!

I think I've got some explaining to do. First, I'm alive. That's good. Second, today I've just finished my final exams, now heading towards my second (second out of eight- hopefully I graduate on the seventh) semester of college. Third, tomorrow I'm gonna learn how to drive because Dad said so and there's no arguing him.

I just wanna check in real quick to say I'm still here, I'm sorry for the lack of updates, and I love you all. You wonderful people.

I have this fear residing deep within my mind thinking this is gonna be the end of me. I'm going to die. Driving.

Last thing before I go to lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling, sweating like a pig, thinking I'm gonna die: I already wrote OD 35. Its gonna be divided into four parts: my first month in college; the little things in my college life; short stories that I felt needing its own page; and a childish, selfish realization I have on my life.

That's it. Yes, really. I'm sorry.

Hell, I don't even know if anyone's still here. If there is then, thank you and I love you. If there isn't then, its just me in my little world.

See you later, boys and girls. Hopefully...

-Aexeonn

Creepy

This does not feel right at all. I felt like I harassed Audrey and she kept me out. That's one logical thing to do, shutting someone out if they are annoying you, but... I'm not on the receiving end of the stick, I am the cause. The other option is to talk about it.

I don't know what I did, I really don't. But it has escalated to this.

Currently, my heart is pounding greatly, like something bad is gonna happen. This has been happening for some time now, maybe its because the National Exams closing in, my parent's pressures on me, and the lack of social interaction.

I felt like I have to harass someone to relieve stress, so I made a post, [OD 31, not]. I dug up my questions from both of Audrey's askfm accounts, and posted it there as hyperlinks. I couldn't find much because of my slow internet. This is like an illness, I felt better over time but stress put me back in a diseased state. I think she finally realized I have been doing some shady stuff for some time in her askfm account. If she doesn't, here's a short list:

I was George, I was some of the anonymous asker, I was Erœ, I was Luna. I visit everyday, like I visit her blog. After waking up, after school, and before sleeping.

Askfm tweets were the trending topic at the time, but I didn't bother to join in and make an account. I participated indirectly instead. Audrey just popped in my mind, so I harassed her online as Erœ, I roleplayed with her as George and Luna, and ask her about her daily life as the anon reader.

Outside harassing out of pure hatred and trying to simulate intimate interaction, I became George. I roleplayed just for the sake of roleplaying. I faced Erœ's threat with Audrey, Angel, and Axel, but I was also Erœ. The tag I used to separate myself from Erœ was Æx. When the real Luna disappeared, I took her place in Audrey's askfm page, saying I'm an anon. I'm both the old Luna, the one before she went pregnant and disappeared, and the last Luna, the one after leaving the children with Fleece, Audrey's character. I'm also the legion of anon that participated in the voting to determine the last Luna's behaviour.

Me, a guy, roleplaying a girl.
Audrey, a girl, roleplaying a guy.

It's funny, I think. Making different personas of myself.

One day, I realized Audrey's contact went missing from my Line friend list. I panicked, thinking I was blocked. I apologized, I made a status post about, but I forgot she couldn't see it. I stalked. She made a new Instagram acc. And almost ignored both her askfm acc. Both Twitter and Facebook activity is nonexistent. She deleted her blog after I posted [OD 31, not] but not after she posted one last post that I didn't get to read, because it got deleted with the rest of it. She made a new askfm account and joined an Indonesian Pokemon forum.

I felt ignored, but I also don't want any social interaction. I just want to stalk. I want to read every update, every changes, everything. It has become a habit, hardwired into my brain. I don't have any activity to replace my routine, and I got confused.

[OD 13, not] and this post is a product of my confusion. I always try to not give the audience any clue or hints in my blog posts, that I was the one pulling the strings behind some scenes. This cautious persona is always active, lurking in the back of my head.

But since Audrey is not there anymore for me to stalk, play, talk, and harass, I don't know what to do. And since she's not here to watch anymore, I don't need to hold back.

But what if she's still here? Reading up until this very sentence?

Well, now you know the truth and everything is up to you. I'll go about my life, searching for things to do, trying to tweak and customize said activity so that I can fit it in my routine.

This is my freedom of speech, but I'm aware that I'm not free of its consequence. I don't know the consequence of what I did, but I know I'm going to hell for sure. So that's fine. Hell, I don't even know if I still believe in hell or not.

I'm scared. I felt like my heart is gonna jump out of my throat. I'm possessive. Something bad is going to happen because of it. I don't know if I'll survive, and what would I do if I do survive.

Anyway, bang! I blew my cover. Now, I'm gonna bleed for the next few weeks. Tomorrow, my so called "Calm Week" starts, and National Exams starts next week after that, then, I don't know.

I'll just wait.

...You know? This is just like I harassed my old classmate's Facebook page when I was in junior highschool. Her name is Jessica Natasha, one of the J Curse. I was in love with her too. I was universally hated after that. I faced hatred, and I turned out fine. I fought despair and I turned out fine. At least, after several weeks have passed.

So, its fine.

OD 31, not: Witty Title

Witty blog post.

I'm sorry.

Just kidding.

Hey there, boys and girls.

Today might be the last day of school, because after I went home earlier today, I'm officially on vacation. I'll be doing the National Exam in 10 days. The next 10 days would be what the teachers call as the "Calm Week" like the calm before a storm. I mean, having some days not going to school is great and all, but how am I gonna spend it? The obvious answer is of course by studying because, well, this is the National Exams here we're talking about. Another option is by doing something else. I'll probably waste my precious time doing the latter.

tl;dr

I'll be having a 10 day vacation before facing National Exam and I don't know what to do with it.

Fucking hell. I'm scared as shit. You boys and girls might not be able to see it (of course you can't) but beneath this relaxed face is a swirling tornado of negative emotions.

*slap!* Geto your shito togezeru, Aekkusu! *slap!*

*Ahem!*

I'll probably waste my time playing video games and watching anime. I still have to finish Players Chapter 1 Part 2/2. After I finish it, I'll merge it with the 1st part.

I also think Azerres is better than just Zerres.

Lynmere Azerres Light
Lynmere Zerres Light

See? And it sounds better too. I'll probably gonna edit the 1st part a bit.

And the new UntimedOD is almost finished too. Title: Izmiyah Afaf, Al Azhar's good name, and the bad behavior hidden behind it.

Its a 3 section post, and I gotta finish the 3rd part soon so I can post it together with Players Chapter 1 part 2/2.

And I gotta trim my fingernails, they're tapping the screen loudly as I'm typing this--I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TYPING ANYMORE!!!

Argh!

*pant...*

Anyway, I'll try to write more frequently as I have fuck tons of free time.

See you later.

Witty farewell.

And this is totally not an April Fool's joke, because it was yesterday.

-Erce

An answer. A confession.

So, this happened. This picture was taken from Audrey's blog post. I guess its a question in her Askfm account.

It really is a million dollar question. And below is a screenshot of her answer.

I was surprised.

This post is just going to be a quick response, I'll write a proper answer in my next OD entry.

Why do I like her? There is no real reason, I just do. But if I have to pick a reason, its because she's that one person that kept me going in my down times.

I've mention several times that I had almost succumbed into despair, but she pulled me out of that dark hole. Well, she didn't actually do that, but her presence gave strength. I stood tall because of her.

What she stated in her answer about me, its actually not very far from the truth. I am now in the process of changing.

I had no one but her. She shed some light of hope on me. At first, she was just a friend, but I've fallen for her. In my down times, I remembered her, and thought:

I don't want her to see me like this, I must be strong. I don't want to be a weak person in her eyes.

I really loved her.

I love you too Drey, and I'm the one who should be thanking you.

Thank you.

*cyber hug*

-Aex

Mental breakdown? Honestly, I don't know. 2/2

Thursday, March 6th, 2014. 08:13 am.

Hi.

Speculations:

1• she's actually meeting up with someone. A stranger. It seems that the anon knew her and have already had a talk with her before asking her out. I said anon because there's no name tag thingy.

2• she's meeting up with her friend and made an appointment via askfm. This is also a viable speculation because from the way she responded, it seems like they already knew each other. She responded with "sure :)". And with a fucking smiley.

3• she's not actually going to meet up with someone but she asked her own account and answered it herself to bait me into meeting her. Maybe she thought I would follow her. Sounds too farfetched? I know, sounds outrageous.

Now, the reason behind those theories and some other stuff too that I can't properly say in English:

1• if someone asked me out like that, i would refuse. Because I don't know them, and, why the sudden interest in meeting me? In a place well known, and near a restaurant that serves my favorite food? Yes, sushi is her favorite food. She said so in her blog. No questions whatsoever, just "sure :)". Unless I know the guy or have already talked to them prior to these events, I wouldn't go. And its either the guy knew her, or they've been stalking her like I did. One person that I could come up with is the mystery writer person. He, or she, is the one writing both of the recent lemon/rape sex/yaoi/couple fan fiction in her blog. The guy emailed her and maybe they had a conversation via emails. Regarding the fanfic and other stuff too. They talked in English in her askfm but he/she might be Indonesian, just not in public. Another theory that branches from this one is there is no mystery writer. Audrey could have wrote them herself but she might be afraid of being called names and stuff so she made a target to move the attention away from her and into this mystery writer.

2• number 2 is actually self explanatory. But why there? So everyone can look at it? Mind you, she published that on twitter. If it is an appointment with her friend, or friends, she could talk about it somewhere else, right? Chatting apps, for an example. This is the most realistic one to me, but is also the one that makes the least sense to me. If her friend doesn't have an ask account, the no name tag thingy could be an excuse. There's no reason to not use a smiley or other emojis. And there's no reason to talk about it on askfm. You could just do it on twitter, right?

3• this sounded outrageous, i know. I thought so too. But it is a possibility. Or maybe its just me wishing it to happen. If its purpose was to bait me, would she even know I would come? I wanted to come, to be honest. If I have the power to do so. Dudes and dudettes, I'm not even sure if she remembers my face. And that's basically it. Its not going happen. If she remembers me, I'm sure its my twitter avatar. An image I always use. Its a fanart of Vanitas, a character from kingdom hearts. It means literally empty, or emptiness. My favorite villain. Funny, huh? He now perfectly describes my heart. Its empty. A big swollen empty space. Pic below.

But, you know, whatever. It is something beyond my control. So, fuck it.

-Aex, signing out.

Mental breakdown? Honestly, I don't know. 1/2

March 5th, wednesday, 2014. 23:00 / 11 pm.

Hi.

Audrey is gonna meet up with someone this Saturday. I don't know who its gonna be. I have no idea of who its gonna be, and its fucking up my mind. I have these pictures, screenshots. I saw that and it fucks my mind. I literally panicked.

I just raised my voice towards my mom. I'm a blazing hot mess at the moment. Not physically but mentally.

I'm gonna translate what's in the picture as I pictured it in my head. It says:

"wanna hang out? lets meet up next saturday in summarecon food court in front of the sushi place - sure"

Then she tweeted "caught" and went offline.

I don't know how to put it here but i think i panicked.

I didn't immediately asked her because I think its gonna be something that I'm not ready to face yet. I'm scared.

Before this happened, audrey has been offline for 23 hours straight. When she finally got on the line, she stated that she doesn't like having a heart to heart (its an indonesian slang and because of that i couldn't find a direct equivalent to the word) and thinks that its useless.

Then, she does some usual stuff but suddenly that answered question appeared on my timeline and I immediately went to her ask account to confirm it. It was a mind fuck.

I don't know if i should post this in my blog but i need to let this out of my chest. This is a venting place for me after all.

Holy shit man. Its killing me. I swear to god.

I'm gonna make another post about the result of my analysis of these chain of events. Speculations. I'll make it tomorrow after I calmed down. Pics below. And I'm posting this right away. I don't fucking care. Call me a stalker, over possessive, freak, whatever.

Nothing serious but very personal. And a news.

Wednesday, February. 26/02/2014. 21:08 / 09:08 pm.

My PSP broke.

Yeah.

I wanna tell you boys and girls just that.

Its not fatal, but it won't be the same again.

My bro wanted to lend me his PSP but it won't feel the same.

And I was thinking of modifying my blog.

I don't know how though.

Bye.

-Aex.

Heart Broken

Saturday, 25th of January. 4 o'clock in the evening.

I won't ask Audrey out. I'm cancelling it.

Fuck this eroe guy. Whoever he is.

So she likes me too. But not the way I had expected.

I'm sick. I caught a cold.

The feeling. My feelings for her is still there. It's faint, but I can feel it. I know it.

Most of them have been stripped away. Smashed. Stomped. Thrown away to hell.

It's not her fault, though. It's mine.

I'm gonna rest.

Today was a beautiful day. The sunniest day in weeks of depressing rain. I would've never thought of spending it like this.

I'm semi-crying right now. I'm not crying, but tears are escaping my eye sockets.

I'm currently translating my chat history with Angel and Jane.

Those pictures below are taken from Audrey's ask(dot)fm page. http://ask.fm/PsychicBlade

See ya around. 

"Stay strong."

This post is published on January 29th, 2014. 21:00 pm. I first made the post on January 24th and started translating since then. This update is made on January 29th, 2014. 23:20 pm.

Translated text of the chat history.

Enjoy.

Melia Elita: Oy

Melia Elita is Jane's mother's name, she's using her phone I guess.

Melia Elita: what do you wanna talk about?
Aexeonn: you mean now? Should we invite Angel?
Melia Elita: up to you
Melia Elita: next year. Of course right now-_-
Aexeonn: just add her. She wants to listen too
Aexeonn: how do you invite people?
Melia Elita: lol okay
Melia Elita: man youre old fashioned

Idk how to put it in English.

Melia Elita: wait
Aexeonn: aww what a bully

Melia Elita is already in the chat
Angela Aprilia joined the chat

Melia Elita: there you go
Angela Aprilia: Test
Angela Aprilia: Okay
Angela Aprilia: lets begin
Melia Elita: cmon aex, start
Aexeonn: Okeh2 straight to bisnis ya
Melia Elita: Hmm
Melia Elita: So ?
Aexeonn: i wanna drop my feeling of Audrey
Aexeonn: BAM
Aexeonn: *explosion*
Melia Elita: huh why ?
Aexeonn: in short: It aint gonna work out
Angela Aprilia: why
Angela Aprilia: tell us why
Angela Aprilia: maybe you took too long
Aexeonn: we're 180
Angela Aprilia: i see Audrey respects you
Melia Elita: Please use bahasa Indo, i dont understand-_-
Aexeonn: Oke >_>
Aexeonn: yea maybe i took too long
Melia Elita: I think Audrey responded
Aexeonn: there!
Melia Elita: tell me the reason
Aexeonn: Ya we're aren't compatible
Aexeonn: i think anyway
Melia Elita: not compatible how
Aexeonn: see this way
Angela Aprilia: Brb eating yaa
Aexeonn: even if we hooked up, we ain't gonna last long
Melia Elita: Okay ngel
Aexeonn: Kk
Melia Elita: why do you think so
Aexeonn: I've been into some deep thinking
Aexeonn: and that's the result of what I think
Aexeonn: Lets say, I hooked up with her
Aexeonn: but after she graduated college, its over
Aexeonn: or after i graduated.
Aexeonn: after that i went to jogja
Aexeonn: afer she graduated she went to purwokerto
Melia Elita: here
Melia Elita: i think your brain thought about it too far
Aexeonn: yeah maybe
Melia Elita: you're still a Junior high schooler that still wants to experience love
Melia Elita: not to marry someone
Melia Elita: why are you giving up?
Melia Elita: it's not intense man
Aexeonn: I'm an 11 grade high schooler
Aexeonn: she's 9th grade junior high schooler
Melia Elita: Ohhh -_- i thought youre at our age
Melia Elita: sorry
Aexeonn: its okay
Angela Aprilia: so you say youre not compatible
Angela Aprilia: Hmm does it has to be compatible? Has to be the same? If so, why would god made all humans different?
Aexeonn: i like younger people :p
Angela Aprilia: my advice
Angela Aprilia: just do it
Aexeonn: we're not even in a relationship yet
Angela Aprilia: if you love each other
Melia Elita: exactly
Melia Elita: don't just give up like this
Angela Aprilia: you both have to commit so you don't lose each other
Angela Aprilia: whatever the obstacles
Angela Aprilia: you both will endure
Angela Aprilia: therefore
Angela Aprilia: Start it
Angela Aprilia: don't be afraid
Aexeonn: Aiiiiiiih
Aexeonn: I'm LOL-ing
Angela Aprilia: you'll be hurt, losing is a risk
Melia Elita: Nah that's it
Aexeonn: *inhale*
Melia Elita: Angel said what I wanna say first
Melia Elita: Huft-_-
Melia Elita: cmon dont give up
Aexeonn: she types so fast
Angela Aprilia: whut -_-
Angela Aprilia: im propheshonul(?)
Melia Elita: you gotta try
Aexeonn: wait, first, let me tell the story from my side.
Melia Elita: have you both ever confessed about your feelings about each other?
Aexeonn: indirectly
Melia Elita: tell us
Aexeonn: I wrote it in my blog.
Aexeonn: wait
Angela Aprilia: you're only brave in your blog
Melia Elita: she write it in her blog too, that she's surprised about your feelings for her
Angela Aprilia: man up(?)
Melia Elita: Nah confess directly like xle *forget it

She means Axel. That's how we mention him, as "xle." Read: cell.

Aexeonn: oh man
Aexeonn: lol
Melia Elita: try being honest first
Aexeonn: you mean?
Melia Elita: just try it, dont give up like this
Aexeonn: Ey, I've know Audrey for a year now but I've seen her face to face only once
Melia Elita: what i mean is dont give up on her, you can propose, and Audrey sometimes gives codes to you too
Aexeonn: we're internet friends
Aexeonn: Ooooh
Melia Elita: So ? Love is from the heart, not from how many times youve seen each other
Aexeonn: i don't understand codes -___-
Aexeonn: agh, backed against the wall
Melia Elita: you gotta be more sensitive
Aexeonn: *is stabbed*
Aexeonn: idk
Melia Elita: I understand if you have a bad feeling. You have, right?
Aexeonn: how about this
Melia Elita: wut?
Aexeonn: maybe next Tuesday i can go to Audrey's house
Melia Elita: Wow cool.
Melia Elita: your house is close to hers?
Aexeonn: such wow huh

Lol
Sorry, I had to do it. There was no direct equivalent in English to the real words.

Aexeonn: nope
Aexeonn: i won't call it close
Melia Elita: cool......
Melia Elita: try asking her out or meeting her again
Melia Elita: don't be aggressive but steady and surely aww
Aexeonn: every Tuesday evening I go out to swim. Maybe I can go on the way home
Aexeonn: OH SHIT
Aexeonn: Aww
Aexeonn: seriously I wanna laugh but I'm afraid mom will get suspicious
Melia Elita: cool .. I support your work 100%
Aexeonn: Thengkyu
Melia Elita: suspicious why?
Melia Elita: well i know its hard if parents are involved
Aexeonn: lol-ing at night, she might think I'm possessed
Aexeonn: that too
Melia Elita: you make an agreement first, don't suddenly come like a ghost
Aexeonn: yeeeeeeeaaaahhhhh
Aexeonn: I'll try
Melia Elita: who's laughing who's confused-_-
Aexeonn: Lol
Aexeonn: XD
Melia Elita: Yesss ive became a gayao doctor
Aexeonn: ching ching ching
Aexeonn: hyat hyat hyat
Aexeonn: boom!
Aexeonn: congrats!
Aexeonn: I made the right choice talking to you
Melia Elita: *waves at the audience* *kiss bye* smooch smooch thank you thank you
Aexeonn: shit lol
Melia Elita: of course I'm an experienced, competent, and professional love doctor
Aexeonn: oh wow
Aexeonn: when are you gonna open a clinic
Aexeonn: can we continue later? My father is here zzz
Aexeonn: -___-
Melia Elita: later when my love story came true
Melia Elita: kayy
Angela Aprilia: ah its over
Angela Aprilia: im late *sob*
Melia Elita: Yeaahhhh im sure angel got many sweet quotes
Angela Aprilia: yeap
Angela Aprilia: Ok then good luck
Melia Elita: =)) be patient ya
Melia Elita: don't give up bagas-senpai

I don't think theres a direct equivalent to kakak kelas in English. And it sounds better too, more than, "senior."

Angela Aprilia: if there is any conflict you can talk to me(?)
Melia Elita: (y)

Thumbs up emoticon

Aexeonn: Heyeyey
Melia Elita: Yo
Aexeonn: theres been a new development:
Aexeonn: im still confused
Melia Elita: wut wut ??
Aexeonn: Akh
Melia Elita: -_-
Melia Elita: what is it now ?
Aexeonn: idk
Aexeonn: ive a bad Feeling
Melia Elita: what bad feeling?
Aexeonn: that Bad feel
Aexeonn: sigh and i was alrdy fired up
Aexeonn: *already
Melia Elita: Yaaahhhhh
Melia Elita: cmon get fired up again you can do it
Aexeonn: i believe I can
Aexeonn: i believe with all my heart (Duessh)

Duesh: strong breeze sound effect

Melia Elita: Yeeey ganbatte
Melia Elita: Yoohoo
Aexeonn: but there's still something bad stuck in here?
Aexeonn: it's not like I'm not fired up anymore
Aexeonn: I'm fired up, but worried as well (duesh)
Melia Elita: what's stuck ?
Aexeonn: a wheel is stuck -___-

Indonesian classic joke. It'll make sense if you can speak and understand Indonesian.

Melia Elita: i know theres something to worry about
Melia Elita: ugh man -_-
Aexeonn: Lol xD
Aexeonn: wheew
Aexeonn: but seriously
Aexeonn: I believe, there's a will, but there's a bad feeling in the way
Aexeonn: Eh, brb
Melia Elita: find something to bring your mood back
Melia Elita: Its not bad feelings, its just you not being confident
Melia Elita: to me, anyway
Angela Aprilia: afraid of rejection ya
Angela Aprilia: well, there are boys who only propose if the girl likes him too
Melia Elita: ah, that too
Angela Aprilia: yep
Angela Aprilia: for example, my boyfriend Bagas #okthen

Her boyfriend's nickname and my nickname are the same. Bagas.

Melia Elita: ah, that
Angela Aprilia: :3
Melia Elita: my ex-boyfriend's sibling said that he likes me since 7th grade, but he proposed to me at the second semester of 8th grade. But it's all bullshit in the end *confess
Aexeonn: Hay you guys
Aexeonn: Wow confession
Aexeonn: dad had a little problem
Aexeonn: i was called
Melia Elita: ahahah confession
Melia Elita: Oohhh
Aexeonn: maybe thats it
Aexeonn: maybe im afraid of rejection
Melia Elita: there
Melia Elita: That's it
Melia Elita: stay optimistic
Aexeonn: there's something I reeaaallyyyy wanna ask
Aexeonn: whad do couples do?
Aexeonn: I'm not optimist, I'm realist
Melia Elita: you've never had a relationship before? I can't believe you asked that-_-
Melia Elita: Yaah you just care for her
Angela Aprilia: i say
Melia Elita: treat her different from your other friends
Aexeonn: Hehehe *is stabbed*
Angela Aprilia: the meaning of boyfriend in my private life
Angela Aprilia: the person who's always there for me
Angela Aprilia: the one who cares, the one who talks to me every second, the one who's in my mind and in my heart
Aexeonn: Aww
Melia Elita: that's what I felt, the one who treats me like I'm the only one he loves
Angela Aprilia: the one who said "good morning" every morning and "good night" every night
Angela Aprilia: the one who says ily before going to sleep
Angela Aprilia: Ah
Angela Aprilia: Ahahaha
Angela Aprilia: (?)
Aexeonn: breath ladies, breath
Aexeonn: Awwwwww~
Aexeonn: feels like flying /hah
Melia Elita: the one who panics the most if something happened, like being sick, bad grades
Melia Elita: the one who can bring back my mood from 0 to 10
Aexeonn: from 0 to infinity
Aexeonn: limitless, like the sky
Melia Elita: Awww yea exactly
Angela Aprilia: you two just liked each other right
Aexeonn: Who?
Melia Elita: you and Audrey
Angela Aprilia: that affection really is love from the start
Angela Aprilia: as you walk
Angela Aprilia: you will find
Angela Aprilia: your way to make your relationship work
Melia Elita: or have you liked her already? Love?
Angela Aprilia: and you'll have your own distinctive touches
Angela Aprilia: like me
Angela Aprilia: at first we're like uuugh so awkward and boring
Angela Aprilia: now it's completely different
Aexeonn: Aww
Melia Elita: it'll get better over time
Aexeonn: ching
Angela Aprilia: and being in a relationship is a process of understanding more out of each other
Angela Aprilia: deeper

Oh my god, that actually sounded so much more sexual in the voice in my head. No please.

Angela Aprilia: people in a relationship usually talk About each other's disgrace

The Indonesian word "aib" contains mixed meanings of disgrace, dishonor, embarrassment, shame, and a bunch of other stuff. Pretty complicated.

Melia Elita: ah that's it
Aexeonn: omg my heart is pounding
Melia Elita: pounding because of what?
Aexeonn: IDontKnowwwwwwww
Melia Elita: relax, take it easy.
Aexeonn: easier said than done
Angela Aprilia: it's still tomorrow
Aexeonn: no it's not >_>
Aexeonn: I gotta watch my schedule too
Angela Aprilia: you gotta have guts to do it
Angela Aprilia: then when
Angela Aprilia: remember these words
Angela Aprilia: "when you love someone just be brave to say" if she's taken by another, you're the one who'll be sorry

Angel's last massage hits me hard, like a freight train. It fucked up my feelings real bad.

Aexeonn: it sucks if there's sudden schedule changes tomorrow -__-
Aexeonn: Ah
Aexeonn: Audrey has an ex
Aexeonn: ^Quote above^ "i like this."

I meant Angel's last message.

Melia Elita: So ?? If she has it doesn't man you've no chance to get her, right?
Aexeonn: Check, huh. Have to reposition the king.

I'm talking in chess term here. I've never played chess before. At least, I've never won.

Melia Elita: it's from a song awww
Aexeonn: yeah maybe
Aexeonn: Hah a song
Aexeonn: what song
Melia Elita: When u love someone just be brave to say ~ singing
Aexeonn: Oh >_>
Melia Elita: there's a song I forgot its title
Aexeonn: Aw hey
Aexeonn: Eh
Aexeonn: try this
Melia Elita: whut ?
Aexeonn: you know I'm afraid of being rejected right
Aexeonn: but its not her fault
Aexeonn: it's my own fault
Aexeonn: I've been having problems lately
Aexeonn: this is serious

I meant serious talk. Like, real fucking serious. Like, "it's a matter of national security."

Melia Elita: problems like?
Aexeonn: domestic violence /not that
Melia Elita: Hah ? *doesn't understand
Aexeonn: school probs
Aexeonn: not domestic violence
Angela Aprilia: Ya
Aexeonn: :p
Angela Aprilia: and
Aexeonn: what if I get real busy
Aexeonn: I'm afraid I can't make enough time to spend with her
Angela Aprilia: that huh
Angela Aprilia: well yeah
Angela Aprilia: my bf is the kind of person who has a lot of free time
Melia Elita: Yeaaa just say "I've been busy lately, sorry if I rarely contact you"
Angela Aprilia: one thing that matters
Angela Aprilia: you always keep her informed
Melia Elita: she will understand !!!!
Angela Aprilia: what you've been doing
Melia Elita: ah that's right
Angela Aprilia: make her trust you
Aexeonn: trust huh

At this point, I'm rather confused.

And... disappointed. In myself.

I'm not the trusting kind. I'm not the kind of person who would trust others to watch my back. To give them my full believe in their words. Hell, I don't even trust my baby brother. My own biological sibling. Or my parents, for that matter.

Sometimes I don't even trust my own feelings...

I've liked Audrey for almost a year, but I don't believe myself. I don't even know if other people trust me. I don't trust others, even me. Even myself.

Melia Elita: as long as you can keep it clear she will understand
Aexeonn: Ohoho
Aexeonn: Ya
Aexeonn: keep her posted huh
Melia Elita: absolutely... don't make it a tense relationship, it's going to be hard to calm down /no

It's supposed to be a sexual joke, I think. Again, it's an Indonesian joke.

Aexeonn: Wat
Melia Elita: forget it my brain errors at night
Aexeonn: I'm laughing
Aexeonn: really
Melia Elita: what are you, really confused or really laughing ???
Melia Elita: I'm confused
Aexeonn: I'm confused
Aexeonn: but I'm laughing because of that

I meant the sexual joke above.

Melia Elita: but you're laughing
Angela Aprilia: Aex
Angela Aprilia: give us your rl pic
Aexeonn: laughing in my mind /hah
Angela Aprilia: =))
Aexeonn: AIIIIIII
Aexeonn: rl photo?
Aexeonn: later
Melia Elita: yeah give us rl photo
Angela Aprilia: Please
Angela Aprilia: it's payment for talking to us
Angela Aprilia: Now
Aexeonn: you'll make it viral  >_>
Melia Elita: I wanna see senpai's face
Melia Elita: ah yea
Aexeonn: Noooooo
Aexeonn: tomorrow when I'm refreshed

I'm tired and half sleepy at the time.

Melia Elita: I'm not like xle-_-
Melia Elita: spreading photos
Angela Aprilia: Pinky.promise
Angela Aprilia: I wont
Angela Aprilia: we helped
Angela Aprilia: ugh
Melia Elita: Ahhh cmon
Melia Elita: old pictures are fine
Angela Aprilia: NOW
Aexeonn: noo ahaaaaah
Aexeonn: tomorrow in the morning
Melia Elita: Ahhh consulting time is expensive
Aexeonn: when I'm fresh
Aexeonn: ugh damn D
Melia Elita: if you're with a psycologist its ex to the pensive
Aexeonn: *xD
Melia Elita: so cmon
Melia Elita: Tonight !!!
Aexeonn: I've been to a psychologist
Aexeonn: whats tonight?
Melia Elita: the pic !!!
Aexeonn: I'm embarrased >///<
Melia Elita: its ok cmon
Aexeonn: ok then

I gave up.

Melia Elita: Yes
Aexeonn:  wait
Melia Elita: Yup
Aexeonn: how
Melia Elita: send it in personal mesage
Aexeonn: where?
Melia Elita: messager
Angela Aprilia: me too k
Melia Elita: yea !
Melia Elita: cmon I'm growing impatient and curious

I sent my selfie to them. It's so fucking embarrassing. I put on my best poker face. It was a bad pic. It's dark, bad lighting, my phone's front camera doesn't have flash and the camera is crappy. Oh, I ain't gonna post it here, no fucking way.

Melia Elita: Okayy ...

After I read that okay message, I completely lost my self confidence.

Aexeonn: there >_>
Melia Elita: okay done
Aexeonn: :|
Aexeonn: so
Melia Elita: you're cute, chubby

"Chubby."

Well, it's better than fat.

Aexeonn: it's new
Aexeonn: 5 mins ago
Melia Elita: Hehehe yea
Aexeonn: I've never taken a selfie before
Melia Elita: Wow for us jle

That's how we usually mention Angel, her nickname. Like Axel, xle. Angel is called "jle." Read: jell.

Aexeonn: I've never taken any selfie in my life :|
Aexeonn: there make it viral >_>
Aexeonn: so it's not me who post it
Aexeonn: >_>
Melia Elita: nope .. I'm a person who keeps my words. If I said I won't it means I won't.
Aexeonn: well actually its ok if it hoes viral
Aexeonn: the problem is, I don't wanna be the one posting it
Aexeonn: embarrassing
Aexeonn: Aww
Angela Aprilia: Yea
Melia Elita: relax I won't spread it
Angela Aprilia: I won't either
Angela Aprilia: just relac man
Aexeonn: really >_>
Melia Elita: yeee
Aexeonn: Oke :|
Melia Elita: ok
Aexeonn: Eh, why did you want my rl photo?
Melia Elita: no reason just curious, I've see Abby's, Axel's etc. Its just I've never seen your face
Aexeonn: my photo is dark cuz my front camera has no flash :|
Aexeonn: I wanna see Abby's and Axel's face
Melia Elita: yea its ok
Aexeonn: I've seen Axel but he said it isn't him
Melia Elita: Axel is in his ava

She meant Twitter avatar.

Aexeonn: it's dark
Melia Elita: Angel do you still have xle's paparazzi photos ?
Melia Elita: she has em
Angela Aprilia: ugh
Angela Aprilia: I have his photo of waking up in the morning

I was shocked. Wow this guy, dude. This guy.

Aexeonn: Oh wowo
Angela Aprilia: but I'm afraid bagas would get suspicious so I deleted it
Aexeonn: Wowowow

Disappointed.

Aexeonn: Ahhhh
Aexeonn: "aw darn it" >_>
Aexeonn: Jane
Angela Aprilia: what is it?
Aexeonn: how many ex boyfriends do you have?
Melia Elita: what is it calling me ?
Melia Elita: 3
Angela Aprilia: 3
Angela Aprilia: (?)
Aexeonn: Wow
Aexeonn: that's amazing folks

Grade 9, presumably 14-16 years old, has 3 ex bfs.

Angela Aprilia: you haven't asked me yet
Angela Aprilia: (?)
Melia Elita: you haven't seen anything yet my friend called Indah had a dozen of ex bfs
Melia Elita: Angel doesn't have any
Aexeonn: you just have to say it
Angela Aprilia: Yap
Aexeonn: holy shit a dozen
Aexeonn: changes boyfriend once every month
Angela Aprilia: 13 huh
Melia Elita: 14
Angela Aprilia: Bagas has 2 ex gfs
Angela Aprilia: Oh ya 14
Angela Aprilia: Naftali and Vio
Melia Elita: Axel has 5
Angela Aprilia: Lolols
Angela Aprilia: omg I'm the most innocent
Aexeonn: damn, you all got many ex >_> /huh
Aexeonn: I don't have any either
Angela Aprilia: I don't have
Melia Elita: people like me
Angela Aprilia I'm a loyal person
Aexeonn: yeeaaa
Angela Aprilia: since long ago
Angela Aprilia: from 4th grade I only like bagas
Angela Aprilia: I got him at 8th grade
Melia Elita: Ehh you once liked randy too
Aexeonn: 4 years of waitinh
Aexeonn: I don't know any of them -___-
Angela Aprilia: yea
Angela Aprilia: just his face
Angela Aprilia: then back to the loved one
Aexeonn: aww yiss
Melia Elita: lolol I was having a hard time moving on from my ex too jle
Aexeonn: do you wear glasses?

To be honest, I was trying to change the subject. The pressure from talking about these kinds of stuff is unbearable for me. I'm not the kind of person who would jump into someone else's past, but I'm the one who started it. So, yeah.

Angela Aprilia: o do
Angela Aprilia: i
Angela Aprilia: *
Melia Elita: nopezzz
Aexeonn: I do too but I frequently takes it off
Aexeonn: makes me dizzy
Aexeonn: I'm not used to wearing glasses
Melia Elita: Oohh
Aexeonn: Eh, why are we getting off topic -___-

Changing the topic didn't work out. Maybe I chose a bad subject or I just suck at these kind of things.

Aexeonn: Back to the Audrey topic
Aexeonn: what if I can't go to her house at Tuesday
Angela Aprilia: go tomorrow
Angela Aprilia: Ftf
Angela Aprilia: ~
Aexeonn: I'm kinda busy

That one was a lie.

Aexeonn: Agh
Angela Aprilia: the faster, the better
Melia Elita: just go there the next Tuesday
Aexeonn: Owhkhay
Angela Aprilia: don't blame her if she already belonged to someone else

Angel keeps on spraying salt on my bleeding wound. It fucking burns to fucking hell. Oh my fucking god can you fucking stop. Like, can you fucking not. I was fucking screaming in my fucking mind when I first read that. And I fucking screamed again in my fucking mind after reading that the second fucking time.

Melia Elita: yeah maybe if you're late
Aexeonn: yeah maybe
Aexeonn: everything is yeah maybe >_>
Aexeonn: I CANT FOCUS AAAAAAAAAAAAGH

My bro popped up in my mind.

Aexeonn: Oh ya
Aexeonn: how about this
Melia Elita: what is it !
Melia Elita: *?
Aexeonn: so my lil bro is in the same class as Audrey
Melia Elita: so ?
Aexeonn: what if he likes her
Melia Elita: just ask your brother
Aexeonn: maybe I'm just too worried
Aexeonn: he won't tell me those kind of things
Melia Elita: that's it, you're over thinking it
Aexeonn: yeah maybe
Melia Elita: too worried
Angela Aprilia: that's the problem
Angela Aprilia: Negative thinking
Aexeonn: well, that's how usually think.

^that^ Bad move?

Melia Elita: get rid of that.
Aexeonn: I wanna talk about something but it almost has nothing to do with Audrey
Melia Elita: wut ?
Aexeonn: about me being "frequently worrying things too much"
Aexeonn: so I've dropped out of my school
Aexeonn: when I was a junior high schooler grade 7 and 8 I was in Audrey's school
Aexeonn: by the time I was dropped out
Aexeonn: Audrey was just entering her 7th grade
Aexeonn: she went in when I got kicked
Aexeonn: my bro was there too
Aexeonn: I'm pretty sure my bro is closer to Audrey than I ever will
Aexeonn: 3 years together
Aexeonn: when I dropped out and moved away
Aexeonn: I had succumbed to depression
Aexeonn: my bro introduced me to Audrey via Twitter
Aexeonn: then I started to like her
Aexeonn: but before I met her
Aexeonn: my bro was frequently bullied

He told me once.

Aexeonn: his superiors said to him
Aexeonn: "where's your bro bagas huh"
Melia Elita: Then ?
Aexeonn: I wanted to protect him but I can't
Aexeonn: that's when I got my worrying habit
Angela Aprilia: if i may know what made the school kicked you out
Angela Aprilia: thats what you get for being a badboy
Aexeonn: I'm not a bad boy >_>
Aexeonn: defended myself but I became a scapegoat
Melia Elita: So ?
Aexeonn: thats the short version
Melia Elita: what do you mean?
Aexeonn: long version:
Aexeonn: back then, i too was frequently bullied by school gangs
Aexeonn: when I defended myself
Aexeonn: theres a kid who was sent to a hospitak
Aexeonn: *hospital
Aexeonn: school had to decide
Aexeonn: kick 1 innocent kid
Aexeonn: or
Aexeonn: kick the group of kids in the gangs
Aexeonn: if youre looking for profit you wont kick out so many students right
Aexeonn: so i dropped out
Aexeonn: thats how it goes
Melia Elita: Oohhh
Melia Elita: Hmm yeah its difficult
Aexeonn: and then
Aexeonn: wanna continue? >_>
Melia Elita: I'm sorry
Melia Elita: can we do it tomorrow ? I should sleep now
Aexeonn: Ah its ok its in the past
Aexeonn: ok then tomorrow it is

We never continued the story.

Aexeonn: I still have one favor to ask
Melia Elita: what is it before i sleep ?
Aexeonn: can i put this chat on my blog?
Melia Elita: of course
Aexeonn: Oke
Aexeonn: thanks ya
Aexeonn: so everyone can know
Angela Aprilia: My pleasure

That's the end of it.