OD 1: Its a Start.

Sunday, December. 01/12/2013. 23:00 / 11:00 pm.

I'll be calling this entries "OD" which stands for Online Diary.

The reason I started writing again is to channel these emotions and stuff in my head.

I've been madly in love (I think) with this girl "Audrey". She's my younger brother's (his twitter: @Bayuaria33. Mine is @Aexeonn if you're interested.) classmate. We met around (if I remember correctly) a year ago. I don't know, man/woman, I'm just confused as fuck right now and I want someone, anyone, to listen. Hence this entry.

Today, this evening, I was going to the mall with my family. On the way to the mall, I checked my twitter and tweeted "otw sumarecon" (the mall's name) and got into the car. After 5 minute on the road we got trapped in a traffic jam. Bored, I checked my twitter. I was mentioned by @Audrey_VLT (her twitter), she said "BRO" and I thought it was her friend Axel (@ChampionSinnoh if you're interested in hentai, tokusatsu, anime, and pokemon) and casually replied "apa", meaning "what" and then put on my earphones to ignore the traffic (my dad is driving so no problem).

Another good few minutes went by and we got into an intersection. I (once again) checked twitter and found her replying "dimana low" meaning "where u at" and then BAM!!! It hits me. I realized that it was Audrey and not Axel. Their profile picture looks similiar so I mistook her for him. My heart skipped a beat. I fuckin' panicked.

"What the fuck?" I thought. "Calm down, deep breaths."

I then proceed to casually reply "masih otw" meaning "on the way" and quickly came to a conclusion that she's there as well.

Fuck.

Silence. I can't hear shit but my own thoughts.

What if--
What if--
What if--

At this point, I closed twitter and procced to look out the window in complete silence and not saying a word (not really), with my earphones on, until we reached our destination.

In the mall, my group (me, my bro, dad, mom, grandma, and my "maid" to say it politely. I don't know how to put it in English.) splits into two groups. Me, my bro, and dad are gonna go up and get a running shoes for dad, and my grandma, the 'maid', and mom to... I forgot, lol, and we split up. I (my group) went to the upper floor, just below the food court, to get to the shoe place-thing(?). There, I wait in fear, despair, and anxiety. She just tweeted something (I forgot what it is) so I know she's somewhere near the food court where people can get a decent connection (at least, mine was shitty at the time lol). In the shoe place I wait with my bro for about an hour, listening to dubstep cuz I can't get a connection for shit. Suddenly, my bro said "ey, dia dah pulang" meaning "she just went home", he's holding his phone so I think he knew from twitter. Maybe she tweeted something, I don't know. I was extremely relieved and disappointed. At one side I'm afraid she saw me, at another side I wanted to see her. I can't get her out of my head.

And then this post happened. That recent incident (not really) has been in my head for several hours long and I decided to post it here so I can get it out of my head, AND, so I can read how stupid I was in the past if I read this post in the future.

Now, boys and girls, I'm really really tired. So, ciao.

Audrey, if you are reading until this point, I expect you to know my feelings for you by now. Think whatever you want to think. Either way, I'm not ready for any kind of relationship, with you or any female human being on Earth beside my mom.

-Aex