OD 16: For those facing Finals. Good luck.

Monday, March. 31/03/2014. 21:55 / 09:55 pm.

Tonight, I have decided to stop caring about other people's businesses, except if I was involved or shit like that. I decided to not help people if they don't request it. I naturally want to help people if I think I can help. But I guess, no one wants help from me. They don't want to be seen hanging around with a person like me. It affects their "popularity," "reputation," and "social life." Heart isn't worth shit these days, at least with the people I'm surrounded with.

Fuck them. If I offer help to them, they fucking reject it. If i reject their cry for help, they'll say I'm selfish and shit like that. If I decided to help them anyway, they don't ever appreciate it, and instead fucking insult me for whatever reason.

Fuck, the people that I know who would at least appreciate the thought can still be counted by one hand. Less than 5. And I'm still not sure about them either. I know this sounds weird, like I'm confirming my selfishness, but I've had enough of this shit on my plate.

Forgive me for the ranting section below.

———
Maybe after this, people might say "dude, you've changed." Changed from what? Into fucking what? From "an oblivious guy that can easily be manipulated or whatever" into "a heartless jerk that doesn't listen when someone needs help" kind of guy? Yeah right, someone who "needs help." I can help you. Let me give you a swift punch to your face and shove my foot up your ass. That'll help you a ton. You don't "really need" my help, right? You guys just wanted to use me.
———

End of rant. Agh.

If this is the case, chairs might start flying in class. But I don't care. Not anymore ~♪

—————

Wednesday, April. 02/04/2014. 22:40 / 10:40 pm.

I lost all the data on my psp. Games, save files, screenshots, everything. Even the stuff I don't need or I've never used is gone too. 7.8 GB of gaming progress, fucking gone. I don't know what happened. Nothing can be done, they're gone for good.

I had just finished Dante's Inferno and then I went to the home screen to play another game, but when I opened the games folder, it said its empty. Everything is fucking empty, but my memory is filled by 50%. I have a 16 GB memory stick, but I only have 8 GB of free space.

I checked it immediately with my laptop in the middle of the night, scanned for virus, corrupted data, or some shit that might have caused it. I've found nothing but one folder filled with fucking error files with the size of 8 GB. My laptop can't do anything with it so I deleted it. Tomorrow, I'm gonna start over most of them. I had a back up data but its very old. Pretty sure its shit. I'm gonna use them anyway.

And, I talked to Audrey shortly. When I realized my files were gone and I was about to use my laptop, I opened Twitter and found her there. I talked to her whilst checking my memory stick. I was angry, sad, happy, and relieved at the same time. Sad and angry because I lost my data, happy and relieved because I finally had the chance to talk to her, ever for just a moment.

It was a bit of a weird feeling, good and bad emotion mixed together. We talked shortly about why she disappeared. She said she was forbidden to use the internet for the next 5 months, but she got on anyway if she had the chance. I was so happy but I still think I've annoyed her a bit.

—————

Thursday, April. 03/04/2014. 21:00 / 09:00 pm.

Last night I had a great sleep. The kind of sleep I haven't had for a long time.

I checked my last backed up save files and it was made last year and I'm pretty sure they're shit.

I had a major headache for a whole day and I don't know why, but oh my god was that a skull splitting headache! I mean really, holy shit.

Its weird because I had a good sleep.

—————

Friday, April. 18/04/2014. 23:57 / 11:57 pm.

Hello again boys and girls. Its been a while huh?

I decided to get back into writing earlier. I had originally planned to start doing these kind of things again after my father gets back home, but I can't wait that long. I wanted to write about many things while I'm on break, but then I thought "Let it go. Just move on and be done with it." So, yeah. I forgot most of the stuff that planned on writing.

My father is coming home soon. He called my mother, said that he should be home by Saturday next week. I'm excited, I miss him. But I'm also confused. Things changed dramatically for me after he went overseas. I often question myself "After he came home, would everything just go back to what they were, or would things change further instead?" I can't help but wonder.

Next month, May the 5th to 8th, junior highschools are going to attend graduation exam for 9th grade. My bro has been pushing himself extra hard lately by studying at home with a teacher. I think Audrey is studying hard too, but I don't want her to push herself too hard. She already got his father monitoring her, putting the pressure on her. I can only wish her luck.

This is for the others too: Good luck on your exams. Try your best and hope you pass with flying colors.

After that, its my turn to face the exams. As my brother enters 10th grade, I'll be on the 12th, and will soon face the calamity that is Ujian Nasional.

I only realized this recently, after my bro started studying at home with his teacher.

My life has been going downhill after I dropped out around 2 years ago. Everything went south. Going to this homeschooling community was not a plan to fix my mistake and make a path for my future. Its only a plan to sustain my life until I finished school and continue with whatever I can do after that. Its like the path I took is the same as the one I could have taken but the end result differs significantly. This is a life support device. Without it, I'm done.

After graduating, my dream was to move away and live close to my cousin while going to this particular university near his location. I wanted to study there so that I may become either an engineer, an architect, or a doctor. But after dropping out, the chance of being accepted there is dropping to next to nothing.

Even if my score was somehow higher than the average of all the student in my country, my homeschool certificate wouldn't get me anywhere near to that dream.

I know, I know. Being sceptical is bad.

"You never know until you try."
"No one can predict the future."
"You can lose even if you make no mistake. That is not a weakness, that is life."
"Insert quote here."

But still, this is the reality that I have to go through. My future might be better than what I expected, but it might also be worse. But then again, read the first quote stated above.

—————

Thursday, May. 01/05/2014. 23:23 /11:23 pm.

Heya, boys and girls. Been a while.

I'm supposed to write this last week but I forgot. Dad is finally home, safe and sound. After he came back I realized how empty last month was without him. He really is something else, he's my dad. We're back to our old routine like making stupid jokes on the go and watching tv late at night after studying an hour before.

Mom doesn't do stuff like that you know. After dad went overseas, mom became something like a workaholic. It worries me because she was never like this. She said its because she has a brand launching event and her work intensifies significantly. I don't like this one bit. I made her promise me to stop taking work to home after dad returns. She said the event will be over 2 days before dad's arrival, but after that she continues to work at home. I don't know why. I don't like this at all. Its not good for her I think, tiring herself out like that.

Ah, today is the first day of May. Happy 17th birthday to me! Nah, just kidding. My birthday is still 3 weeks away. I'm not really excited about this, just, meh. What I'm excited about though, is about the new Xmen movie that's going to be on cinemas just one day before my birthday. That is awesome.

Anyway, I think this is it for this month. I'll see you boys and girls again in the next entry. I'm planning to change some stuff around here like the background, theme and stuff, and the music player playlist too maybe. I'm still planning about, so I'll notify you boys and girls about what I'm going to change in OD 16.5. I think I'll post my 17th Online Diary entry on my birthday, but it'll probably be too short. Whatever, I'll come up with something.

I'm going to say this one more time. This is for the 9 graders who are going to face Final Exams next week: Good luck on your exams. Do your best, take your time before picking the answer. Don't panic, calm down, deep breaths. Pray and hope you pass with satisfying results. Ganbatte!

-Aex

OD 15.5: Some kind of answer, and other stuff.

I said in OD 15 that I don't even remember how Audrey and I even met, but I remember other bits of information.

I don't know how it all began, just like a dream. But dreams are just like messages, stories of how our day went and are told to us in our sleep.

No story is not worth telling, and I have something like a story here. Let's see...

If I'm not mistaken, I knew her from before I got kicked out from my school, but I didn't know her that well. I was just following her on Twitter for entertainment. I looked around my bro's Twitter and found her profile. I took a glimpse, and I found her roleplaying.

I didn't know what Twitter roleplay was back then. At first I thought she was a foreigner because of her English skills, but then she talked to my bro about school assignment in Indonesian.

Time went on. I got kicked out, I felt lonely. Technology was my only friend. Everybody seemed to have slipped away from my life, escaping. My parents are terrified, even if I raised my voice by tiny bit, mom would say, "Have  you  taken  your  medicine?" They're scared. My bro seemed so distant, hard to approach.

I began talking to his friends. Before I knew it, I had latched into my bro's social life on Twitter. Like a parasite. And then I talked to Audrey. She was interested in Pokémon, like my bro used to. Before I knew her, I was interested in Pokémon because of my bro. And my curiosity was further pushed after I met her. I began to develop a liking to to Pokémon, and to her. As a friend. Back then she thought I was only an ordinary stranger and a friend of my bro.

After many months, we began talking about Minecraft. The three of us, me, my bro, and her was having a discussion. When I said I'm watching my bro playing Minecraft, she thought I was playing together in his house, then I said I'm his brother. It was a big revelation for her.

Somehow, we became closer as internet friends. Because of her, I met all kinds of people on Twitter.

Her friends:

♦The 'R' siblings: Ray (Ray/Drake/Paul. Male.), Ryan (Gen/Samuel. Male. Ray's older brother.) and Riane (Riane/Rosa. Female. Ray's younger sister.). Singaporean roleplayers.

♦Michael (Aero/Ezio/Zuru. Male.). Also a Singaporean roleplayer.

Those 4 persons have been missing for a very long time by the time you're reading this.

♦Axel. Pokémon enthusiast. Ariafams member.

I could say that he's a pervert because of his brutal honesty about his liking to hentai. But who am I to say that he is a perverted person if I am just the same as he is? Though I am slight less perverted. Maybe.

He is the one who would later introduced me to the other Ariafams members, which are:

♦Jane. K-pop fangirl. Ariafams member.

♦Angel. Pokémon enthusiast. K-pop fangirl. Ariafams member.

♦Abby. Pokémon and Kingdom Hearts enthusiast. His Ariafams membership is now questionable because he moved away to Australia.

Just so you know, Ariafams was founded by the last 4 people mentioned above. Its name was taken from my name, Ariabagas. Everyone used Aria- as their name's prefix. Its members:
•Me, Ariabagas Pr*********, Ariabagas. I prefer AriAex, but I never said anything about it.
•Audrey Vi******, AriAudrey.
•Axel Ku****, AriAxel.
•Jane Alice Ke*****, AriAlice. Before changed into AriAlice, her name was AriaJane.
•Angel Ap******, AriAngel.
•Ak***** "Abby" Se******, AriaBobi. AriAbby would be nice but he wanted it to be AriaBobi. And its funny, so whatever.

I became friends with her classmates too, but only for a while. They don't interest me. And I discovered the PokèTwitter RP universe.

A lot of stuff, basically.

After a while, I began roleplaying. Just for fun and because of my curiosity. But it turned to shit real fast. So I made an early retirement from the world of roleplaying.

At some point, Axel talked to me and said that he loved Audrey and asked whether if I too, loved her or not. I said I do. We became love rivals after that (Does that even make any sense? No? I thought so.). Hell, we even raced who would say happy birthday to her first at midnight on her B-Day. Axel eventually left his feelings of Audrey and moved on to Jane. Reasons unknown.

At this point, I have to apologize. I can't remember anything from August 2013 until January 2014 except a bit of Idul Fitri holiday on some time around August and Audrey's birthday on November. But I think its all written on my old posts.

Before my interest in Pokémon disappeared 2 months ago, I was in the Pokémon fandom. I study about them and stuff like that. You know, like a dedicated student. Or a fanboy trying to enter the competitive scene of Pokémon Battles. In the Idul Fitri holiday (I don't know the international name of the holiday, that's how we Indonesians say it here.) Audrey and I discussed about Pokémon. But I really wouldn't call it a serious discussion because we're really just talking about Pokémon XY and Mega-Evolutions at the time. That's all I remembered.

Now, by the time I'm writing this, Audrey has been "missing" for some time. I wrote about this on my previous post but its kinda short, like about her being busy because of school. The thing that I didn't mention there is that I'm concerned. I'm scared and confused. I talked about this to Jane and she said I should just stay positive. I'm trying to stay positive, but the worst case scenario kept on ringing in my head.

What if she's not coming back?

If she's planning on disappearing then I would try and find her. But, I don't want to upset her. That's why I didn't try and contact her. If the worst happens, I'll just have to let it go and move on. Its the logical thing to do. But I'm not sure I can do it.

I don't wanna talk about it, really. Just stay positive. Relax and put all this worry and fear to the back of my head.

I've been thinking though. My bro's school is going to have graduation exam in May, maybe Audrey got very busy. Its March now, they're probably having training exams from school. Their schedule is gonna be less extreme next month but I'm sure they're still pushed to study a lot. She might be freer next month, but still rarely goes online. And then its study time all over again. Well, what can I do about it, right?

I want to know how this particular love story (or rather, this romantic tragedy.) will end, but I'm also afraid of the answer. Regardless, time will tell. There's no need to rush it.

Let's just look forward.

-Aex

OD 15: What a Month.

*clears throat*

First of all, I'm really sorry for not posting in such a long time. There are so many things that have happened. I'll go through them in order.

—————

Tuesday, March. 04/03/2014. 21:53 / 10:53 pm.

Heya, boys and girls.

So, a few days ago, I became an arbitrator in some love problems. 3 people. 3 clients. And they are all our dear friends. Axel, Jane, and Angel. I promised them all to not tell anyone about their problem. They wanted to speak and maybe consult their love problems with me even though I'm not a love doctor. Maybe its because I'm the oldest of the bunch? Whatever. I talked to them and stuff, they poured out everything in their hearts. To be honest, I felt sad somehow, after listening to their stories. Sometimes I don't understand what they feel, sometimes I know perfectly how they feel.

I said that I promised them not to tell anyone about their problems, but Jne and Xle eventually changed the topic, or relate the topic, with me and Audrey. And it messed me up pretty bad.

*laughs, sighs*

I will try not to tell too much of your stories, Jle, Jne, Xle.

First up, Angel. To put it simply, she had problems with her boyfriend. I summarized what she said and it sounds like this:

"I loved you but you kept on disappointing me. I don't know you anymore, I miss the old you. I missed us in the old times. You've lied to me and I can't trust you anymore. We're different. Now, I have to stay away and make another barrier. I don't want to talk about this anymore because it hurts me."

Imagine being disappointed time and time again, yet, you still gave them a chance. And one day, you couldn't take it anymore. I knew how it felt. When I was bullied, I never told anyone. Usually I just brush it off and hope they realize what they're doing is wrong. I feel sad and angry, but I poured them all into video games. All my anger and sorrow, I turned them into progress, into positive energy. But I still can't let it go, day after day, I'm one step closer to desperation. And, one day, I couldn't hold on anymore and I've lost grip on what's left of my sanity, and then... here I am. I don't want Angel to repeat the mistake I made in the past so I tried my best to calm her down. She said she was relieved, but later her mood dropped. I haven't been able to talk to her since.

Now, Jane and Axel. Their problem are actually one and the same. To put it simply, It was a fatal misunderstanding.

Let's start from Jane's side. She said its got something to do with Axel. Lately Jane can't get in contact with Axel but when she was taking a look at Axel's Twitter she saw Axel actively chatting with someone. She said their conversation was "so  sweet,  and  he never  talked  to  me  as  sweet  as  that." Or something. Jane became furious and envy because of that. In short, Jane thinks there is another girl.

Its hard to translate what she wanted to say. I don't have the right words to put here. I know some of you boys and girls don't get what I'm trying to say. Its hard to translate what she told me properly here every time I wanted to tell you boys and girls about it. Ugh.

Now from Axel's side. While I was talking to Jane, I was talking to Axel too. I wanted to take it slow, so at first I was just talking about anime. But suddenly he took over the conversation. First he talked about midterms, then he wanted to talk about Jane. And eventually, teasing me about Audrey.

*long sigh*

I told him Jane is very upset about him talking to another girl. He knew that and he explained to me about it. This "other girl" turned out to be Axel's "thrash can". A "thrash can" is someone who would listen to you whenever you wanted to talk to them about your problems so you could get it off your chest, or something like that. That's how Axel explained it to me. Like me to Jane and Angel. I'm their "thrash can." The thing that I don't understand until this point is that the other girl is also Axel's "cyber little sister." But I don't want to talk about it because I don't really care, so whatever. I began interrogating him bit by bit. I won't go into the details because its very long and boring. In the end, Axel said he felt guilty. He asked me for advice. Seeing how this problem have been going for a while, I knew things like apologizing to her are going to be difficult, so I told Axel to do it face to face. Unsurprisingly, he said he can't because he lives too far away from the rest of us (Me, Audrey, Jane, and Angel).

I just realized that the previous sentence looks like a harem flag in fan service animes. 1 guy with 3 or more girls. *chuckles* Yeeaaah...

So he decided to text her. And that's the end of it. The next day, Jane wanted to tell me something. She said Axel texted her, apologizing to her. Then a second later, Axel wanted to talk to me. Then another second later, they both sent me their conversation with each other.

I lost it, I literally laughed. Oh, Jane said she's gonna hook up with her long time best friend Adrian.

A salute for our brother for successfully escaping the friendzone. *salutes*

And I asked her if she hated Axel. "I've  loved  him  once, I  can't  bring  myself  to  hate  him." And after I read the copy of their DM, as a guy, I'm confused. She then said this to help me understand:

"Imagine if you and Audrey have known each other for a long time and you have feelings for her, and one day she went away with another boy after suddenly disappearing from your life."

I was blown away. I know what she feel but I can't understand it. I can't figure out how a girl's mind work. Not that I need to anyway, because I'm a guy. Don't get me wrong, women are wonderful beings. I'm just confused about their nature. That's all. After those events I haven't talked to them again since. I'm sure Axel is confused as well.

———

Ah, I'm writing a story. You know, fictions. I'm gonna tell you the idea behind it.

"A  story  of  an  ordinary  boy  whose  life  is  forever  changed  because  of  a  game."

Sounds cheesy, I know. I expected some of you boys and girls to say:

"Its  a  Sword  Art  Online  rip-off  /  Log  Horizon  rip-off  /  The  Matrix  rip-off!!!"

But its not. I have never watched SAO or LH before. Hell, I barely even open up my anime folder anymore. Btw, they're anime series, a friend recommended them to me. But I watched the Matrix trilogy.

Back to topic. The thing that made me concerned about this is that it might never see the light of day. It might stay as a draft forever. I'm not the most creative person out there, so, yeah.

But I'm trying. I decide to write it on my free time instead of wasting time doing nothing since my PSP broke.

Need more inspiration, dammit!

—————

Saturday, March. 08/03/2014 17:22 / 05:22 pm.

Heya, boys and girls.

My parents said I could buy a new PSP and wanted me to choose the color. "Just  say  the  word  and  dad  will  check." Or something like that. I said I wanted a red colored PSP, to continue my old PSP's gaming legacy stored in its memory stick. I didn't know its gonna be this gorgeous. Its beautiful. Pic below. Now, I'm trying my best to tone down my aggression when I'm playing. Slower button taping, less aggressive on the analog stick, going easy on the D-pad and shoulder buttons, you get the idea. My bro said I played so brutally.

*chuckles* Yeah, I certainly did.

But midterms starts in two days, so I won't be playing anyway. And now with the new PSP present and (not) playable, I'm slacking off on my fiction.

Need more inspiration, dammit!

—————

Sunday, March. 09/03/2014 22:13 / 10:13 pm.

F*cking hell, man. Exam tomorrow. Ugh. Dad is putting the pressure on me. My mind is kinda blank now and I'm supposed to rest for tomorrow anyway.

—————

Monday, March. 10/03/2014 17:20 / 05:20 pm.

Exam started today.

Hohohooooly sh*t.

The good thing is the exams start at 13:00 / 01:00 pm. So I got some time in the morning. Its starts Monday which is today and ends Thursday. Today was an exhausting day.

—————

Thursday, March. 13/04/2014. 22:04 / 10:04 pm.

I wrote an answer. Well, its more like a confession than an answer. It was a really simple question: "Aex, why do you like her?"

My short answer is: "she gave me strength, and I've fallen for her." The long answer is... well, its hard to say. I don't know where to start. And I don't quite remember how we met. I'll have to look into that. I'll answer this on OD 15.5 or something.

—————

Friday, March. 14/03/2014. 16:04 / 04:04 pm.

I fucked up. Dad's going to be so furious.

I didn't pass 3 out of 7 subjects. I only have received 5 from 7 results and 3 of them didn't pass.

Math: 66 /100
Indonesian: 66 /100
Physics: 62 /100
Civil: 96 /100
Biology: 80 /100

I'm sure my Chemistry test result is going to be as bad, so it makes 4 out of 7. I did worse than the last exam. I have to take remedials next week. A week of torture ended only to be repeated again next week.

This exam thing fucked up everything. I hate this. But you know what? I give up, I don't care what dad is going to say. I fucked this up and that's a fact, there's no denying it. I've moved on from this exam bullshit.

—————

Monday, March. 17/03/2014. 12:03 am.

Got the other scores.

English: 88 /100
Chemistry: 34 /100

Failed 4 out of 7. That's bad, huh. Yeah, I thought so.

Earlier today I took Physics and Math remedials and I really hope I pass so I don't have to go through them again. Gonna take on Indonesian and Chemistry tomorrow.

—————

Tuesday, March. 18/03/2014. 10:44 am.

Finished Chem.

I went to take Indo review but the teacher said I don't have to, because I passed. I got 66 /100 right? Turns out I only need 65 /100 to pass. That is so f*cking close, its not even funny.

—————

Thursday, March. 20/03/2014. 22:51 / 10:51 pm.

I just busted a hole in a bookshelf with my left hand. Well, its not a see-through hole because some books stopped my punch. I was lucky not shattering the glass in the procces or I would be bleeding now.

Yesterday, 19th of March was my bro's B-Day. He turned 15. And I learned that I took jokes too seriously, especially from him. I can't take jokes from anyone in general, but my anger jumps from bottom to top instantly if my bro is the one telling the joke. If someone has been watching for the past week, they would say "Somebody  please  bring  this  guy  to  a  mental hospital." Because I've been crying at night times and became more antisocial. I might have autism after all. Its a theory I made concerning myself. I look at people around me when my self awareness is higher than usual, and they see me like I'm inhuman. It might be hate, or fear, but I don't care. Well, if I have some kind of mental illness then so be it. Who cares, not me.

My dad hasn't departed to her sister's place because his flight schedule was further postponed until March 25th because of the bad weather there.

Audrey has been "missing" for a while now. She's not active on Twitter anymore. She changed her username and privated her account. She isn't answering questions in her Ask.fm account. No new posts in her Blog. The only place where she is still barely active is on Instagram. Barely. I could've asked her about what happened and why she's been offline for such a long time, but I don't want to. I figured that it might be because of some school stuff or something involving her parents telling her to study more seriously, which is the same thing to me. My questions might upset her because its too personal or I might annoy her, so I didn't ask her.

—————

Saturday, March. 22/03/2014. 22:38 / 10:38.

I ran out of internet. Does that even make any sense to you boys and girls? Whatever. Anyway, I'm writing this on my blogger app, which can be used in airplane mode. That's helpful.

What's been going on recently? Well, to put it bluntly, nothing seems to be right. With my internet out of the picture, I will be playing my PSP more frequently. Therefore, slacking off of my fiction. Its still on the chapter 1 draft phase and that's not even finished.

I have been killing "gods" to save humanity. I do it over and over but it turns out, everytime I killed the boss-god, time resets and I get thrown into an alternate world to repeat the same thing. I'm currently climbing out of the 7 levels of hell, before entering 7 levels of purgatory and ascending 100 levels of heaven, and repeat them 13 times, and bring the cycle to an end. Still at floor 1 of hell.

I'm talking about the games, boys and girls. They're not just any game, there are several games on my PSP. But, you wouldn't be interested in them.

—————

Tuesday, March. 25/03/2014. 14:30 / 02:30 pm.

So, half an hour ago, by the time I got home, dad was already on his way to the airport. I am the only family member who doesn't get to say goodbye in person. He eventually called mom and she passed the phone to me. After saying farewell, I ended the call. I don't know how to react properly to this.

See you in a month, Dad.

—————

I guess that's it? Maybe. I won't be writing anymore for some time, so its one long absence after another. I'll post OD 15.5 a few minutes after this. I'll see you boys and girls again sooner or later.

Bye, then.

-Aex

An answer. A confession.

So, this happened. This picture was taken from Audrey's blog post. I guess its a question in her Askfm account.

It really is a million dollar question. And below is a screenshot of her answer.

I was surprised.

This post is just going to be a quick response, I'll write a proper answer in my next OD entry.

Why do I like her? There is no real reason, I just do. But if I have to pick a reason, its because she's that one person that kept me going in my down times.

I've mention several times that I had almost succumbed into despair, but she pulled me out of that dark hole. Well, she didn't actually do that, but her presence gave strength. I stood tall because of her.

What she stated in her answer about me, its actually not very far from the truth. I am now in the process of changing.

I had no one but her. She shed some light of hope on me. At first, she was just a friend, but I've fallen for her. In my down times, I remembered her, and thought:

I don't want her to see me like this, I must be strong. I don't want to be a weak person in her eyes.

I really loved her.

I love you too Drey, and I'm the one who should be thanking you.

Thank you.

*cyber hug*

-Aex

Mental breakdown? Honestly, I don't know. 2/2

Thursday, March 6th, 2014. 08:13 am.

Hi.

Speculations:

1• she's actually meeting up with someone. A stranger. It seems that the anon knew her and have already had a talk with her before asking her out. I said anon because there's no name tag thingy.

2• she's meeting up with her friend and made an appointment via askfm. This is also a viable speculation because from the way she responded, it seems like they already knew each other. She responded with "sure :)". And with a fucking smiley.

3• she's not actually going to meet up with someone but she asked her own account and answered it herself to bait me into meeting her. Maybe she thought I would follow her. Sounds too farfetched? I know, sounds outrageous.

Now, the reason behind those theories and some other stuff too that I can't properly say in English:

1• if someone asked me out like that, i would refuse. Because I don't know them, and, why the sudden interest in meeting me? In a place well known, and near a restaurant that serves my favorite food? Yes, sushi is her favorite food. She said so in her blog. No questions whatsoever, just "sure :)". Unless I know the guy or have already talked to them prior to these events, I wouldn't go. And its either the guy knew her, or they've been stalking her like I did. One person that I could come up with is the mystery writer person. He, or she, is the one writing both of the recent lemon/rape sex/yaoi/couple fan fiction in her blog. The guy emailed her and maybe they had a conversation via emails. Regarding the fanfic and other stuff too. They talked in English in her askfm but he/she might be Indonesian, just not in public. Another theory that branches from this one is there is no mystery writer. Audrey could have wrote them herself but she might be afraid of being called names and stuff so she made a target to move the attention away from her and into this mystery writer.

2• number 2 is actually self explanatory. But why there? So everyone can look at it? Mind you, she published that on twitter. If it is an appointment with her friend, or friends, she could talk about it somewhere else, right? Chatting apps, for an example. This is the most realistic one to me, but is also the one that makes the least sense to me. If her friend doesn't have an ask account, the no name tag thingy could be an excuse. There's no reason to not use a smiley or other emojis. And there's no reason to talk about it on askfm. You could just do it on twitter, right?

3• this sounded outrageous, i know. I thought so too. But it is a possibility. Or maybe its just me wishing it to happen. If its purpose was to bait me, would she even know I would come? I wanted to come, to be honest. If I have the power to do so. Dudes and dudettes, I'm not even sure if she remembers my face. And that's basically it. Its not going happen. If she remembers me, I'm sure its my twitter avatar. An image I always use. Its a fanart of Vanitas, a character from kingdom hearts. It means literally empty, or emptiness. My favorite villain. Funny, huh? He now perfectly describes my heart. Its empty. A big swollen empty space. Pic below.

But, you know, whatever. It is something beyond my control. So, fuck it.

-Aex, signing out.

Mental breakdown? Honestly, I don't know. 1/2

March 5th, wednesday, 2014. 23:00 / 11 pm.

Hi.

Audrey is gonna meet up with someone this Saturday. I don't know who its gonna be. I have no idea of who its gonna be, and its fucking up my mind. I have these pictures, screenshots. I saw that and it fucks my mind. I literally panicked.

I just raised my voice towards my mom. I'm a blazing hot mess at the moment. Not physically but mentally.

I'm gonna translate what's in the picture as I pictured it in my head. It says:

"wanna hang out? lets meet up next saturday in summarecon food court in front of the sushi place - sure"

Then she tweeted "caught" and went offline.

I don't know how to put it here but i think i panicked.

I didn't immediately asked her because I think its gonna be something that I'm not ready to face yet. I'm scared.

Before this happened, audrey has been offline for 23 hours straight. When she finally got on the line, she stated that she doesn't like having a heart to heart (its an indonesian slang and because of that i couldn't find a direct equivalent to the word) and thinks that its useless.

Then, she does some usual stuff but suddenly that answered question appeared on my timeline and I immediately went to her ask account to confirm it. It was a mind fuck.

I don't know if i should post this in my blog but i need to let this out of my chest. This is a venting place for me after all.

Holy shit man. Its killing me. I swear to god.

I'm gonna make another post about the result of my analysis of these chain of events. Speculations. I'll make it tomorrow after I calmed down. Pics below. And I'm posting this right away. I don't fucking care. Call me a stalker, over possessive, freak, whatever.

OD 14: Jealousy. Part 2/2. And other stuff too.

Wednesday, February. 26/02/2014. 09:29 pm.

Heya, boys and girls. Now, lets get to writing. The topics are:

♦Done on Friday, February. 21/02/2014.
> Dad flew overseas.
>> Changed into  Dad, I'm Worried.

> Mid terms closing in  and  My jealousy of Adit.
>> Both of the two topics above are combined into one.

♦From Friday, February. 21/02/2014.
> Feeling disconnected from Audrey.
> General insecurity.
> Drawing.
> Video game replays.

♦Added Wednesday, February. 26/02/2014.
> My PSP broke.
> Blog Redesign.

—————

21:40 / 09:40 pm.

My mind is blank right now. Write to ya later.

—————

Thursday, February. 27/02/2014. 08:23 am.

Hey guys.

So, yeah. About those topics above? Can I write about them without going in the same order? I can? Thanks.

•My PSP Broke, •Video Game Replays, and •Blog Redesign

My PSP broke.

That's it.

No, not really.

So, yeah. Its pretty old, my PSP. 3 years old if I remember correctly. Its already pretty banged up before finally becoming like this.

Broken analog stick. Solution? Play games that doesn't use analog stick for movement/ action.

Easier said than done.

Because most games nowadays uses analog stick for movement.

Broken action button? Triangle, X, Square, Circle? Its a game ending malfunction. A career ending injury. Those four buttons are essential for playing games. So, yeah. That's it.

With my PSP broken, I don't know where else I'm able to vent safely. Angry? Smash enemies. Sad? Watch happy cutscenes. It cures my boredom too. But video games should not be played to get rid of boredom, it should be played to be enjoyed.

I was just starting to upload video game replays to my YouTube in a weekly basis but then my PSP broke.

Agh.

Fortunately, I have saved a few videos, actually, a lot of videos before it broke.

Now, with my PSP out of the picture I'm focusing on writing stuff here in my blog. With a lot of free time on my hand I think I should renovate this blog according to my liking.

And, sadly, I don't know how to do just that.

—————

11:42 am.

With nothing to do in my free time when I'm at school, I began drawing.

•Feeling disconnected from Audrey, •General insecurity, and •Drawing

At first I draw stuff, then I began to look for guides. I felt comfortable at first.

I can draw.

But something is still missing. I wanted some constructive criticism. So I asked my bro about my drawing style. He demonstrated his drawing style to me. Do you know how jealous I was? Wow. I don't know what to feel after that. At first I was like "Okay, I need to improve." But then, I can't draw. Can't at all.

I can't draw.

I began to doubt myself and started asking "What is wrong" in my drawings. Suddenly I became worse at it.

He wrecked my confidence in my skills.

I'm not saying its his fault, but I'm not saying he's got nothing to do with this either.

I've been stalking Audrey's Instagram for a while now, I watched her improve her drawings with every post. I thought,

Why can't I improve?

I've trained, bla-bla-bla.

Maybe its just me, y'know. Jealous, insecure, and not confident about my own capabilities.

And now, I realized that somehow I get upset more easily and very tense about every little things around me. Its a mystery even to me.

Y'know, lately Audrey gets less and less active in social medias. It makes me worried. Reading that, I guess most people, knowing my condition, would say,

You got nothing on her, why are you so worried? She's not your girlfriend.

But still... I don't know what's she's doing or whatever. It bugs me. Its like, we've lost contact or something.

Last night, half asleep, I remember thinking about this crazy plan.

"I'm going to visit Audrey's house every Tuesday evening but I won't enter. Just stand outside and stare at the second floor before sitting in her porch for a minute or two. Then go home."

What the f*ck was I thinking?

I don't know either.

—————

21:07 / 09:07 pm.

Heya, boys and girls.

If you're viewing this on desktop and not on mobile, do you notice the snow effect and music player on the top of the page? Pretty nice isn't it? You know who did that? Audrey. She did that.

Very big thanks to Audrey for helping me up with the snow effect and music player (Even though I didn't really do anything except for picking three background musics)!

Yay! \( OuO )/

I love you for doing this for me! ♥w♥)★

Many thanks! ^w^)/

But the snow isn't noticeable because my background is f*cking white. (Ō_Ō"
And I didn't realize it until she pointed that out on Twitter DM, if I remember correctly.
\( Ú __ Ù )/ uhmm.
I'll change the background some time later. Probably tomorrow afternoon. '-')/

Maybe a top to down gradation. White on top, dark blue on the bottom. Yeah, that's nice. ( = w =)7

Oh, I made all those emoticons myself. :3
And by myself I mean with my phone's keyboard, not an Emoticons app. ._.
Although I have one of them in my phone. >_>

I'm so happy right now! XD

Oh, maybe I should tell you boys and girls how it went, because, even though I'm happy about this, I still have to be cautious. Or maybe its just me being paranoid. :/

—————

Friday, February. 28/02/2014. 18:28 / 06:28 pm.

Sorry, I fell asleep. Lets begin, shall we?

It all started when my PSP broke. I thought, look at the bright side of this. And I came to a conclusion that I'll have more free time and I'll procrastinate less.

Hehe.

So I made a plan to redesign my blog. I asked Audrey about adding a music player and adding the snow effect, and she told me about it. But still, I was clueless. Especially the snow effect. I don't understand JavaScript.

How the f*ck am I supposed to make this thing work?

Then, I decided to leave it behind and went to set up the music player. There's a wizard for it, so I thought, yeah, no problem. But it turns out it becames JavaScript codes too.

Oh, for f*ck's sake...

When I stated my frustration on Twitter, Audrey offered some assistance. At first I was confused, help with what? And then I remembered the JavaScript codes so, yeah. I accepted her help. Do you know how happy I was?

*inside laughter* Yeah.

She asked about my email address and the password. Without a doubt, I immediately gave it to her. After several minutes, it hits me.

I really hope she doesn't read my latest draft (this one). Oh my f*cking god.

I trust her. And there's no real reason behind it. I just do. But the point still stands.

Audrey, if you're reading this, did you?

That sounds confusing.

Hmm. What-the f*ck-ever. Past is past.

Ah, and today is the last day of February.

February, thanks for this great month and the sweet memories.

-Aex