[Fiction] Players - Prologue: ~My Friend~

   Prologue: ~My Friend~

   –A narration of the prologue of the story from the main character's friend's point of view.–

   My name is Fynsel, and this is not my story.

   Almost eight months ago, my friend's father died. It was a peaceful morning. My friend and I were supposed to meet up near the monorail station, I used to pick him up. He had to take the monorail everyday because he lives at a faraway place but that day his father had a business appointment outside of Pangaea and he had some free time before going to the airport, so he went to school with his father by car before departing for the plane.

   Before I went to the monorail with my motorcycle, my friend told me to meet up at the school building instead and so I went to school. The distance from his house to the monorail is farther than the monorail to school, and I live in between the monorail and school so I don't have to take the train. The rest of the morning went by normally, there was no way we would know of the tragedy that was coming.

   In the middle of class session, my friend got a phone call and he asked for permission to answer it outside. I was just returning from the toilet when I saw him getting out.
   "Hey, what's up?" He just gestured me to lower my voice.
   "Just a phone call. Get in the class."

   Then he answered it. Before I got in I was tidying my uniform and as I was entering the class, suddenly I heard rapid footsteps. I peeked out and saw him running, he dropped his phone by the door. "Lyn? Oy, Lyn!"

   All the other classmates had already went out to see what was going on that made him run like crazy. I picked up his phone and put it in my pocket. I heard some students chat.

   "Is he skipping class?"
   "I don't know. Still, its not like him to do that."

   "Fyn," My attention was diverted to the teacher who called me.
   "Chase after him and get him back to class."
   I nodded and went down to take my motorcycle. I saw him running down the road and caught up with him.
   "Oy Lyn, What are–"
   "Fyn, thank god." Before I got the chance to say anything, he hopped on my motorcycle.
   "Hurry, take me to the hospital. I'll explain on the way."

   I was confused, and if I did what he asked for it would mean I helped him skip class. "But–"
   "Go, god damn it!" After that I went as fast as I can while dodging traffic on the way.

   "My father got in a car accident..." When we were halfway there, he opened a conversation.
   "They say he was in a critical condition. The other crashed from his right side."
   "That's the driver's seat, right? My god..."

   I was shocked, and then I remembered that his father is his only living relative with the exception of his divorced mother. I thought I understand why he left class, I felt like this when my sister died too. "Lyn, we're here." When we arrived at the hospital, he jumped off the motorcycle and ran into the building.

   I went inside after parking and asked one of the nurses if there's any white haired teenager that looks like he was on a hurry and one of them led me to a room. It was the emergency unit.

   "He went inside this room. You're his friend, right? Please calm him down."
   "Huh? Okay."

   After the nurse walked away, I opened the door. I saw him kneeling down beside a bed, he was crying. In the bloodstained bed was his father, he had already died when we reached the hospital.

   –Thursday, 28th of November 2B93, 09:10, Anderson Seth Light, father of Lynmere Zerres Light, died at the age of 41.–

   The nurse wanted my friend to identify the body and after seeing him cry I'm sure the nurse understand. For the following week he couldn't get over his father's death, or so I thought. There's more to it than that but I never knew what.

   Two weeks after his father's death, on Sunday, he opened his father's will. He was left with his father's mansion and riches, and was given the position of president of his father's company. I was invited by him to his mansion when he opened the will and when I heard the contents, I thought he would be happy but he wasn't. He fell silent afterwards and told me to go home.

   "Why? Lyn, I know its hard but you have to move on, man." I tried to cheer him up but I heard a sob instead. I kinda panicked.
   "Look at the bright side, Lyn. You got a huge mansion and-"
   "Go home, Fyn. Please..."
   "Okay. I'm really sorry, Lyn."

   Life went on, Lyn did not. For the next 2 months, my friend hasn't been himself, he looks ill and exhausted. I thought he was harming himself in subtle manners such as undereating and overexercising. We tried to help but he was just stubborn. He cut us off. Not only me but also is best friends. He even won't reply to short mails or chats in videogame lobbies. He goes online often, maybe to channel his sadness.

   After the end semester exam passed he suddenly disappeared. He took off into another school without saying goodbye. His mansion was taken care of by the landowner. I heard he gave his position as the company's president to the vice president whose son is good friends with Lyn in his new school. It sounds just like him, he never enjoys being tied down by responsibilities.

   Today is Saturday, 2 days before graduation vacation ends. Yesterday I received a short mail from Lyn saying to meet him in an online game Saturday night. And so I turned on my computer and...

   Prologue: ~My Friend~
   End

—————
24/07/2014

It is done! Holy s*it. The prologue for Players, my original fiction. Fun fact: the first chapter was already done before I wrote the prologue, and when I made this I made some changes to chapter 1 and the universe of this fiction. Changes made: changed main character's name, overall plot change. Damn.

Chapter 1 is now in the works. Don't wait for me to finish it because its gonna take a hell of a lot of time.

What do you think? If you have anything to say, critics, suggestions, comments, just put it on the comment box below and I'll try to read the from time to time. *crosses fingers*

Please please please PLEASE tell me if you found any plot holes in the fiction that I might have accidentally made. It would really help me improve and make better stories with solid scripts.

Other than that, I guess there's nothing else to say.

-Aex

OD 20: Survival Mode!!!

Monday, July. 07/07/2014 22:06

Alright guess what, I broke my PSP again. Yes the new one. Its not a cosmetic or hardware damage but software error. I can't play games now. Seriously.

I was configuring a line of code to be used by a cheat software but when I saved it the whole thing shuts off and there you have it. I tried a quick fix but it didn't work so I gave up. Might as well try again tomorrow.

I might not play PSP anymore for some time as i try to find a way to fix it. I just hope i don't have to ask dad to bring it to a shop or something. He'll be mad for sure.

Tuesday, July. 15/07/2014. 19:45

After almost 2 months of absence, I finally went to the pool again. Boy, did I miss this place. It wasn't as nice as I expected though. Despite the day's scorching sun, the pool water was freezing!

What's up with that?

Dad said it was from hypersensitivity. Since I'm fasting the whole day, my internal organs had very few activities. No food to process and stuff. So, I guess I became more sensitive to external stimuli.

I started going to school again since last week. My class placement is in between the XII grade IPS class and X grade class. The noises they make, they drive me nuts! I can't concentrate on studying- hell, I can't focus on anything with that kind of distraction. Its going to be a long school year...

Starting this week, I'll go to school 5 days a week. I call this full schedule instead of normal schedule because I usually went 3 days a week This transition is because I'm on the final sprint to university. We need to pass the final exam and because of that we must go all out on studying.

There's been no progress on the fanfics, sorry guys. Its just- I got lazy. Yes, I got lazy. I never made a promise to post it for you. I write them if I want to.

Wednesday, July. 16/07/2014 17:09

I just finished taking a shower. Oh my god.

When I was stripping my clothes off a frEAKING COCKROACH SHOWED UP OUT OF NOWHERE AND CLIMBED UP MY LEFT LEG THEN IT FELL AND CLIMBED THE WALL BUT IT FELL AND IS NOW UPSIDE DOwn oh my god.

I bathed as fast as humanly possible. Dear god, I feel like chopping my left leg off now.

Today was only half a good day. It started off nice and ended in a not-so-nice manner.

I woke up kind of late but the morning was nice. I could study comfortably. Truly, I wished some mornings stayed forever. We were studying literature and for some reason, it wasn't boring. I loved every second of it. When the break time comes, Adit took out his laptop. The second he did that, I felt a bad feeling coming. So I watched YouTube the whole time to shake it off. Next, math. And this too, for some unknown reason, felt so nice. I've encountered no math problems at all. How amazing is that?

But in the middle of the lesson, an IPS kid came to my class. I haven't told you yet, huh? This guy's name is Ray. He was some kind of a kid celebrity and he was from my school before I dropped out. I knew him long before I created this blog. I hate him.

After he entered the class he spoke to Adit but I couldn't hear them because of my earphones. The next thing I knew, he's playing FIFA on Adit's laptop! In my class! In the middle of a lesson! With sounds turned up high!

At this point I started having problems with my math exercise. Let's just skip this part and say I couldn't focus and got mad. Big time. But I held it all inside, no more violence. I've lost all my will to study. Tank's empty, bro. Then, when the lesson's over, more IPS kids went in and made a racket. Oh for heaven's sake...

When the next teacher came we were supposed to study biology but there's not enough time to do a full lesson, so we worked on an exercise instead. I made it half-assed. I didn't care anymore. I also went home early and disobeyed the teacher's command to stay in class.

I was in a foul mood at home. I felt horrible. But I expected a long time friend to visit me after school and it made me happy. His name is Rizky and, like Ray, he's from my old school and I've known him for a long time.

When I was sitting around in my parent's room waiting for him, he informed me that he couldn't come and he'll tell me when he can come. I turned my laptop on and my phone off to charge it and watch some anime to make me feel better. Before I knew it, dad went home early and was knocking on the door.

21:13

Around two hours ago, Angel chatted me about something. Apparently, she met someone she knew from a Pokémon group in her new school and she got close to him. Axel knew this guy too because the three of them are its members. Put it simply, she talked to me and gave screenshots about Axel talking with this guy. His name is Sindhu. From Angel's point of view, they're both badmouthing her, basically. Then she wanted me to help her and talk to Axel. Man to man. I don't want to do it that way so I decided to be an arbitrator.

I immediately went to the group chat to resolve this problem. As an arbitrator I have to be firm and unbiased. After pulling Axel out of hiding, the trial began. It was resolved peacefully with Axel telling Angel that it was merely a joke but it did looked like they were about to badmouth her. Angel accepted the statement but I think she isn't that satisfied with Axel's statement.

It wasn't really the best feeling in the world, to be firm and harsh to someone close to you. But I had to dispatch the problem swiftly to suppress any additional damage that could potentially drive us apart.

Things like this makes me sad. To start it all off, I didn't have that many friends. I've been alone for so long. For me, adapting to sudden changes like moving out means losing a lot of friends. Knowing them was a great achievement and it feels good when you know you had found some wonderful friends. I love them all. Audrey, Angel, Axel, Jane.

When this group was first founded, I was looked upon as a father figure. I don't know why. Still, I wanted to be serious about it. I might not be able to be a great leader, let alone a father of many children. But I wanted to be a father of this group. To have a family. To have someone. I don't want us to be torn apart.

I might not be able to stand any more losses in my life. I don't want to lose anyone anymore. I've felt lonely enough. Don't add any more pain.

But I knew deep down, this world isn't gonna be fair. You can't expect a lion not to attack you if you're not attacking them. The world doesn't work that way. I'll just have to endure the dramas.

Friday, July. 18/07/2014 19:44

Heya, school's over and vacation is just around the corner. Its just for 2 week, but its a vacation nonetheless.

For the last 2 weeks I've been tortured by the other class' idiocy. I know they're not all idiots and jerks, but that's what I see in those classes. Because the non-idiots are so silent and can be rarely seen at all, what I see is what's left of it, the idiots.

They're all so noisy and annoying, its been just 2 weeks but I'm already fed up with their shenanigans. I don't know if I can't stand them for the next 11 months. I don't know if I can survive their idiocy...

Well, whatever.

With a week to spare before the Idul Fitri holiday, AriaFams discussed about holding a gathering. The schedule haven't been set in stone yet but there's a possibility from Tuesday to Thursday. The only thing that haven't been discussed is the time. Actually, the gathering location has not been decided too but I'll suggest them to use our previous location in our last discussion.

I'm not really hyped for this vacation, to be honest. I'm only excited for the gathering, if it comes to pass. The following week after that, however, isn't something that I'm necessarily excited about. Its just a boring old tradition in our family. Visit the graves of our ancestors and pray for them. Have a feast with our grandparents. Meet our distant relatives. Its all in our tradition. I'll just have to endure the boredom.

The only thing that I like in this vacation is the fact that we're going out of town. We're gonna stay in our grandparents' house. And, I'm going to meet my favorite cousin of all time, Adrian. Though, I'm not as excited as I thought I would. I wonder why...

Ah, in this vacation there's going to be a shortage of signal because we're staying in a semi secluded location. And with that, I'll try to write instead of lurking on social medias.

Okay then, I guess I have nothing more to talk about. We can talk about the coming weeks, about the gathering and the vacation, but I'll save it for the next entry. I'll post this one later tonight.

Bye, for now.

-Aex

OD 19: Sentiments and love at the entrance of 12th grade.

Friday, June. 27/06/2014 00:05

Hey, its me again. Its only been about a week since the last post. I'm not supposed to write again this early to give some space in between posts but whatever. I'll just post this later like always.

In the last post I mentioned about AriaFams meeting on the 3rd of July, but it got canceled entirely. Tomorrow, Muslims are going to enter the month of Ramadhan. Muslims are required to do fasting for more or less a month. Because of this, the plan must be changed. On the 23rd, we discussed for a while and decided to cancel it altogether. Audrey and I can't go because we're Muslims, Axel got monetary issues (actually, we all did. But for the rest of us it wasn't the main problem), and Jane got some unknown issues but she can't go anywhere this month because of it. Which set the problem in stone and made me decide to cancel it. Yes, I was the one who made the decision.

Funny isn't it? I was the one who planned the whole thing and I was the one who canceled it.

When the plan got canceled, we were all sad. Well, that's what I believed. I don't know what the others felt but I was definitely sad because of two reasons.

One, I made a promise to make all the AriaFams members to gather at one place after 9th grade graduation. Get to know each other, spend some time together, have fun, and make memories. It was promise I can't fulfill, and it left a bitter taste on my mouth.

Two, I can't meet Audrey. This hurt me more than it should have. I've been waiting to meet her, officially and formally. She did say I could meet her at the pool at Tuesdays but I think it would be so, so awkward and we wouldn't always be at the pool. So this plan is kind of unreliable.

But hey, good things happened too, you know. Well, maybe just one. Either way, it was a miracle.

I passed, BARELY. So here it is, 7 scores, one for each subject. If I don't pass 3 of them, I won't pass. I passed 5 of 7 subjects. I didn't pass chemistry and physics. They both need a minimal of maybe 70. I can't remember which is which, but I got 63 and 68. I barely escaped because of math. If I remember correctly, I need 70 to pass and I got 71. It was a miracle. I thought, "Thank God I passed."

12:36

I stopped writing to use google translate, ended up browsing a lot of gaming forums, ended up to my usual gaming forum, and when I wanted to write a reply the battery died on me. I couldn't sleep afterwards.

Wednesday, July. 02/07/2014 07:28

It seems the update I wrote on Monday wasn't saved. What a drag. Well, it was just a short update but the thing that pissed me off is the rewriting and the missing vent part. I vented some stuff yesterday.

— Section for Desktop User —

On Sunday I changed the layout of the blog. I changed the template and the background. Changed the song playlist. Deleted the snow effect.

— Section End —

11:47

I've got nothing to do, so let's write because I've been wanting to do it but I'm too lazy.

I think I'm not deaf anymore and that's always a good news.

The girl that I attacked, Jacinda, resigned from the homeschooling community. I promised everyone I'm going to apologize to her. I want to, and and I have to, but I can't now. There's something that I haven't tell anyone about that incident. At the day I was given a scolding by my parents, they wanted me to visit my psychiatrist again starting the next day.

I arrived at the hospital with my brother and my parents. When I was waiting for my turn, I saw Jacinda. My family and I were sitting on the far right side, facing the doctor's office. I was talking to Bayu when I saw her sitting on the far left side. Kinda far, and I didn't bring my glasses so I wasn't so sure but I knew she looked back at me. I was worried she would get angry, or cry, or something. I don't know, really. But instead she smiled.

I looked down, trying to calm down. If I panic my parents would see her and that won't be good. Some time has passed and about half an hour before my turn, I looked at her seat and she wasn't there. I looked at somewhere around my back and there she is, sitting behind my mother. I only took a glimpse but I'm sure its her. She saw me too, smiling.

To this day, I haven't seen her since. I was sure she came to the parent's meeting too because we looked at each other, but the teacher said she didn't come. My mind might be playing tricks on me.

Maybe this is what people mean when they say "I owe you an apology."

21:42

So I went to Audrey's social medias to check on her (or stalking, if you prefer. Whatever) and when I went to her ask(dot)fm page, there is a question about my fanfiction, saying that I lied about making it because there's no news about it whatsoever. So I'm going to do an explanation.

— Explanation Start —

Here's the deal: I planned to make the fanfic to be as long as 12 chapter according to the draft but I don't know how to make it happen. So the first step is to make the short version of the story and I'll have to cut it into 12 parts and work from there. So far the short one is about 3 chapters long.

As I made chapter 1 (I plan to change some parts later), I forgot to make a prologue, so I made one (currently a work in progress). And as I made the prologue I thought of great new ideas to put into the story but it means I'll have to rewrite chapter 1 to incorporate those ideas. I'm afraid it would happened every so often that I would have to rewrite all the chapters as new ideas show up.

I've made a rough sketch (early draft?) of chapter 2 but I won't finalize it until I finish the prologue and chapter 1 because its prone to changes due to new ideas.

Not all of the inspiration are directly made into story, some of them I kept as new drafts for concepts of the story's universe. After writing for some time I realized it became so complicated and decided to make a second series based on the current story's already provided elements. Of course, I would start making it after I'm done with this one, writing two stories simultaneously is difficult. Mostly because I'm an amateur writer.

— Explanation End —

tl;dr? Writing is hard. 'Nuff said.

Saturday, July. 05/07/2014 22:20

I don't really have anything to write here at the moment but I wrote this anyway because, I feel lonely. Whenever I open this app on my phone, I've felt like there's someone behind the screen. Somewhere, reading this. Makes me feel less lonely.

Its been very lonely since the start of Ramadan, not that its a bad thing or anything. It was to be expected because most people I know would be trying to save energy. Its just that I don't like feeling lonely.

AriaFams have been so quiet, we don't talk much anymore. Overall, there's not much talk, either there or in other places like Twitter or Facebook or anywhere, really. I haven't talked to Audrey for some time too, and it made me think.

I wanted to talk to her, but about what subject? I don't know. We could just talk about random things. Maybe I'm just too shy. I'm not a good talker and I'm not a big fan of talking anyway. Whenever I talk, sometimes, someone would interrupt.

Audrey and I don't have much in common, I guess. We like different things. Angel talked to me about this long ago, saying that diversity is good. Saying that, why do I have to like the same things as her to like her? Do I have to like the same thing? If I have to, then why did God made all humans different?

I still love her, but don't like to use the word love. Makes my face red. I do love her, I care for her. But for what reason? I don't know, maybe I don't have any reason. I just do. My mother calls this kind of thing as unconditional love. Affection without reason. Don't think, just do. I stayed silent about it, didn't talk to her even if I want to. Instead, I watch her from a distance. Maybe the proper term is stalking. But I'm glad, I'm happy.

I guess its different for every person, huh?

On Tuesday I'll enter 12th grade. That's right, my vacation is over. But school is just for a short time too, I guess. After one or two weeks, its Ramadan holiday.

My life had taken so many twists and turns. I remember when I first entered middle school I thought I would have an unappealing, average, ordinary life. And a humble, ordinary death. When I did the stabbing, I thought "this is it, the life in prison awaits me." But I was saved. My body was saved, but my mind and soul is still suffering. Then, I found Audrey.

I think she might have indirectly affected who I am. Before I realized my feelings, sometimes I think "if I do this, I might look bad in her eyes." for no reason. I tried to change, to be a good person, a better man.

And then, I graduated middle school, and got to 12th grade, waiting to graduate highschool and enter college. I might've never made it this far if it wasn't for her, really.

"I owe all this to her."

Or so I wanted to say. If I did, then it wouldn't be fair. This is all wouldn't happen without the help of my parents too. Thank you for being patient with me and my temper. And thanks for whoever else that needed to be thanked too because I'm too lazy to write them.

But really, thanks, Audrey.

OD 18: Free Falling

Wednesday, June. 11/06/2014. 13:21 / 01:21 pm.

Hey people its me again. Just to let you know, I might not pass the exam. Yeah. And I'm pretty sure about it this time around.

You know, after all this I've only realized it now, I've become what I detest. A stupid person. I've always thought that I was a better person than all of my classmates, but it all changed after I entered highschool.

Before I entered 9th grade I was above average on everything, or at least, that's what I want to believe. When I entered this homeschooling community, I was already a second best in class. It was good, great. But still, It was not good enough for me. When I tried to climb, I became third best. Third out of five people. The first is Prabowo, he has social anxiety if I remember correctly. I was second to him because the rest of the class sucked. But then there's a newcomer, Ibrahim, and I became second to him. It makes me go into third place. Its as if the harder I try to climb up the ranks, the odds are stacked against me even more. After I graduated and entered 10th grade, the positions were reset and its a free for all battle.

In 10th grade I was number one, it was the time of my life. Maybe the only period of time in my life that I would look back to and refer to it as my golden days. But halfway through, I fell. I became second to Aditya, the one previously sitting in second place. It was only by a slight difference. When I enter 11th grade, my position was dropped even lower with the addition of Izmy and Naufal. I was 4th, and my grades were not that much different than those who goes to school only to hang out. And now, after the metal chair incident, its not only my grades are low. People started to fear me. They backed away, its a logical thing to do.

If I'm to be classified into one of the school stereotypes, I wouldn't fit anywhere. The smart ones? Nah man. The jerks? No way. Nerds are usually smart and it naturally attracts other nerds. The same goes for the jocks, but they're not smart, they just attract other people with their douchebagness. I wouldn't fit into neither of them.

Wednesday, June. 18/06/2014. 23:31 / 11:31 pm.

Have you read what I've written above? When I see it, I just want to erase all of it. I don't want to make myself look bad in front of the audience but then again its my vent and I won't lie to you boys and girls, I'm ashamed to have wrote that. I wanted to make you see what I thought that day.

Or any day, for that matter. Before the stuff above, there are actually stuff I've deleted before I published it. I wrote them, then I erase them because it makes me look bad. What a joke.

Is this what I've been searching for? Publication? Fame and popularity? Yes! But then again, no! Let's say, I did something that made me the center of attention but then I play "hard-to-get" to them.

My breath smells like a drugstore and it makes me want to puke. This sickness makes me look like an addict for using so many medicine. Its just a common cold but its not healing after 2 weeks so I was brought to the hospital. The doctor said I was blowing my nose too hard so the mucus went up a small tube that connects the nose and the ear, making the insides swollen. My left ear is almost deaf, its weird.

Everything is weird. Lately, nothing seems to be right. I feel as if everyone around me getting away, being distant, and disappearing. I felt like the ceiling is crashing down upon me as the ground breaks and falls apart. Suddenly, everything changes. What is everything?

You know there are stuff like automated responses, muscle memory, reflexes, or whatever, right? This might be the first time I mentioned my brother's name.

Almost everyday, I tried to make small talks to Bayu. Whether he's lying on the sofa with his phone or playing in front of the computer, I tried to get his attention. For the reader's convenience, I tried to translate most sentences into English. "Hey, what are you building?" If Bayu is playing Minecraft. "What are you browsing?" If he's on the sofa. Most of the time its just "I'm making/watching/reading something." And I replied with something short too and that's it. On other times he gave a full answer and made a topic we could talk about. On other times he would ignore me. Every time he ignores me I though "okay then I'll ignore you too." But then I do it again later. "Hey."

"Hey son, how's your day?" When mother came home she would almost instantly ask this to me and Bayu. Back then it would be "how's your day? How's school?" Now its just "hey." I think my mind and mom's are getting distant.

Friday, June. 20/06/2014. 14:40 / 02:40 pm.

Today I was supposed to the hospital for mental check up, but the doc was fully booked so its cancelled. Tomorrow is the day I'm worried about though. Parent's meeting at my school, my plummeting grades, you get the idea.

I tried to not think about tomorrow by living in the now. Angel had been a great help, she asked me stuff about Star Wars last night. This morning I planned to watch the entire saga from 1-6. But the CDs are missing and I wasted my morning for it.

Next Wednesday, Ariafams are going to meet up in a mall. I'm glad I made that decision to gather all five of us in one spot and get to know each other. Its just that, I'm not used to doing these kinds of things. But I can't let them down, I don't want to be the one to disappoint them. After all, I'm the one who wanted it.

Thinking about the stuff above made me think about another thing, will I have enough money? I don't want to make myself look like I'm not grateful. I am grateful with what I have, with what my parents had provided. But sometimes, I feel like I want more. I can't help it.

When I go out to school or wherever, I see people having this stuff, that stuff, bla bla bla. I want them too, some of it. But I don't want to ask my parents for it. I'm already troublesome enough with the problem I cause, my attitude,what I did to people. Its pitiful.

I'm sorry.

Now, like any other times if I'm not going anywhere, I lock myself in my parent's room for the day. I turn on the fan and the TV, turned the volume up so no one outside can hear the inside. I usually watch anime on my laptop, or play the PSP, or write these entries, or simply watch the TV.

I really treasure this alone time. I like being alone, but I don't like feeling lonely. I don't have the ability to go out and go somewhere, to get out of the house and disappear to a place where I can be alone. Usually on Wednesdays I go out to swim alone because Bayu is still in school. I swim and swim, enjoying being alone in a place where no one knows me. It feels great!

I haven't been swimming for several weeks because of my sickness and the exams the week before. I miss the water, you know?

23:01 / 11:01 pm.

Tonight has gone to shit. Dad came home angry. Because of me, obviously. Who else could it be, right? Heh.

As I said earlier, there's a parent's meeting tomorrow. Because there was a lack of information, everyone got confused, and the situation heats up. Its my fault. I should've told them there were going to be a PM. I did tell them, just not detailed enough because I don't know either. When? Tomorrow. When exactly? I don't know. Where? I don't know. Probably not in the school building, though I'm not sure either.

The Ariafams meeting encountered some problems too. The date has been moved to the 3rd of July. And everyone has the same problem – money. I don't know about them, but this time I'll ask my parents for money like a greedy teenager in movies.

I'm not the one who created the group and decided to call it Ariafams. I forgot who made it, but I remember it was first called #ariabagasfams.

Dad got up and told me to sleep. 23:11, 11:11. The 1111 wish. Do you know it? I don't, and I don't believe in it either. But maybe, for once. I wish... I don't know. I really don't. I couldn't just wish for all my problems to disappear. That would mean I wish for my parents to be gone. My brother to be gone. My school to be gone. My fears and lies to be gone. I can't. I don't want to fall further.

I wish for a miracle to happen. Anything. Please.

OD 17: I like being alone but I don't fancy feeling lonely.

Monday, May. 19/05/2014. 15:46 / 03:46 pm.

Heya boys and girls, its been a while.

The reason I came back is simple, to vent. This blog has been around for some time now, I honestly thought you (read: visitors who have been reading my entries for a long time) had found a pattern in my posting, which is: I mostly post if I'm having a bad day or if I had a bad experience that I need to let out of my head. Which leads to my posts being filled with mostly rants, complaints, and other negative things. And if there's no new entries, it means I'm currently having a good life. At least until the next post (read: negative things) emerges. And if you don't know previously, now you know. Congratulations. But I'm not here for celebration.

In the last few days, or weeks, a lot of stuff has happened. To start it all, there's the junior highschool graduation exam. That has passed. Boys and girls are free at last. Social networks became very crowded again like in the old days, and I can talk to Audrey freely.

So now me and Audrey can talk via social media. This is a big thing for me. We mostly talk at night, and continues talking until the day has passed and a new day emerges. Like from 9 at night until 1 in the morning, but mostly until around 10:30. Then I pass out first.

With the exams gone, my bro and Audrey is now on vacation, which means unlimited free time. But this is not the case for Axel and me. I'm still going to school like there's nothing, and Axel must go face some more "delayed exams" according to him. Before the finals, he originally had other kinds of exams but they are all delayed until finals passed. I too have exams at the beginning of the next month, but I don't really care about it. Lately Axel, Audrey, and I have been talking in multichat. We talk about anything, so its random really. We joke around, but I'm not a very "humorous" person. If the joke goes too far, I'll get pissed. Anger management has never been my strong point, see. After this, what happens is I would break out raging in social media talking about what pissed me off and cussing and blaming people. In this case, Axel.

23:11 / 11:11 pm.

One night around two days ago (if I remember correctly), I asked Audrey whether she can draw my original character or not. The design was chopped to pieces (read: I drew his anatomy and design for each limb separately). She did an amazing job, but he was facing to the side so I asked her about it and it turns out she had a hard time drawing faces facing straight. I'm not mad. The design for the weapon was a bit unclear to her, its also because what I drew was just a concept. So the next day I drew her the finished weapon, but when I submitted it to her, Axel showed up in multichat and had began making a racket. I think he has this habit of taking everyone's attention and disappearing, for I can't remember how long I've known him.

So after Audrey and I responded he disappeared for a short while before showing up again. He talked about a fanclub, one dedicated to him. Axle4Lyfe, an inactive Twitter account. I think this was just some kind of a joke to begin with but I'm also very, very ticked off because, really? Why the fuck are you making such a fucking big deal out of a fucking inactive account? Last tweet, December 2013. Then he said he had a bad day and wanted to talk about it. The fuck, dude. Fucking focus on one shit before talking about another. And then Axel began like -insert sad story here- while I investigate the account. I said it was inactive, but then two new tweets showed up right after we talked about it. Why show up after 5 months of inactivity?

And I don't know if this is just a coincidence or Axel is playing with us, this account tweeted right after we talked about it. New tweet, 5 minutes ago. By 5 minutes ago, I mean after we talked about this inactive account, it became active. I became furious. I still don't believe up until this second that the account was not in Axel's control. I stalked further into it, and found what might be the username of the previous user before it died in December 2013. So then I was just like "Okay Axel didn't make this account but I'm still not convinced that this account is not controlled by him. Its gotta be him." How else could it happen? The new tweet was perfectly timed so that we would see it.

Sunday, May. 25/05/2014. 23:07 / 11:07 pm.

On Tuesday, I went swimming and got sick, I got a common cold. This sickness will affect the rest of the week (and possibly my life) by a great deal. In the night, Jane sort of like confronted me about the incident above and I told her my side of the story. Its pretty much what I had already written above. I've already moved on from that because I wrote about it here. I vented them all here. By Thursday, when I was at school everything is a mess. I couldn't think very straight because I'm sick, I felt weak even though I'm not.

The first period has started and we are learning chemistry. We were assigned to make a group of 2 people and we only had 5, so one group have to take the last person. There were me, Aditya, Izmy, Naufal, and Jogi. Jogi is the autistic one. At first I teamed up with Naufal and Aditya teamed up with Izmy, as expected. The teacher wanted one of us to take Jogi in so I did. But after that Naufal left my group and joined Aditya's. Don't I supposed to have anything to say about this? Of fucking course I do. But I knew whatever I said to them they won't listen so Jogi and I aced the group assignment. But I don't know if the answers are correct or not. I was pissed big time, but I had it under control.

I just thought that, can't you at least be more considerate when you decided to leave my group? If they had done so, I would understand. I don't mind being left alone, but really, it makes me sad too. I just want to make you boys and girls know and understand that the guy in corner has a back story too, and with that, feelings.

In the second period, this girl from my class, Jacinda came up and joined. To me, she is a total bitch, honestly. In the middle of math session, I couldn't breath properly so I wanted to go to the bathroom. The teacher were starting to explain a math question and when I got back they already got so far, it was only a logical thing for me to ask her to repeat the explanation because I wasn't there to listen and she said she will after she finishes. Jacinda suddenly said something that would look like this if translated into English "who told you to go out anyway?" In a mocking tone. And they all laughed. They laughed at me. I've lost it but I had control for a short time. I glared at her, at Jacinda, and the heavy metal chair separating us. I got up and lifted that chair and was about to smash her with it but the teacher screamed at me. I paused for a short time before putting the chair back and went to sit in my seat, but before I did, I saw her smiling. She's fucking playing with me. I sat down and saw the teacher went to the door. Apparently the scream to stop me alerted the other classes. When she wasn't looking, I lifted the chair up and threw it at Jacinda. I hit her and the teacher. I'm not done, I lifted the chair up again and smashed it at her and to the teacher at close range before the teacher stopped from giving the third blow. Jacinda was immediately brought to the teacher's office.

Monday, May. 26/05/2014. 12:26 am.

Happy 17th birthday, Aexeonn. Happy birthday to me. Actually that was 2 days ago, 24th of May.

Continuing the story above. I felt relieved to be honest. Attacking people might be a guilty pleasure for me but I know that is wrong and it makes me feel very guilty, and this is seriously wrong. When the guilt came, I immediately regretted my decision, and I went out to cry. I cried out of guilt, and then comes the fear. The fear of my father. He's going to be so mad. I didn't realize that everyone was watching me cry. I got up and started to pack my stuff, I knew if I stayed to study it would only make things more awkward. So with the permission of the teacher that I assaulted, which is my homeroom teacher, I went home early.

At home I felt very weak so I just locked myself alone. I grabbed my phone and messaged Audrey, I wanted to tell her about that day. My decision was right. I told her about it and she made me feel better mostly because after I told her about it she strayed from the conversation, and instead wanted to talk about my birthday date. I told her its on Saturday and she wanted to make me something, I don't know what though. Later that day, mom and dad went home and I got a thorough scolding. Standard family time, you know. I don't want to talk about what happened here, its not that bad, its just uncomfortable for me to write about it even though I want to. I'll leave it to you boys and girls to imagine it. They wanted me to participate in my old therapy or something starting the next day, but this time, no medications are given.

Wednesday, May. 28/05/2014. 21:03 / 09:03 pm.

My parents said I will be suspended during the end semester exam and will participate the week after. There will be no remedial so I have to get good grades in first try, if I get bad grades then its permanent I guess.

I don't feel very good about this, you know? I feel all messed up inside.

Thursday, May 29/05/2014. 00:04 am.

The thing I did, throwing heavy metal chair at Jacinda, was unacceptable. My parents want me to handle te consequence. I must apologize to Jacinda and I will.

This is all better that what I had imagined it would be, really. The are several outcomes to this story. One, I'll be expelled and to be honest I don't really know what lies at the end of this road. And thank goodness that didn't happen.

22:53 / 10:53 pm.

Two, I'll be changing study program from community to distance learning. Its still better than actually being expelled but if this happened then cannot socialize beyond home and phone via internet. Speaking in person is very different than chatting or video calling via social media.

Saturday, May. 31/05/2014. 13:46 / 01:46 pm.

I guess that's it for now. Gotta focus on studying for the end semester exam which will start in 2 days but for me I have another week to study because I'm suspended.

Ciao, I'll post this in the night.

-Æx

OD 16: For those facing Finals. Good luck.

Monday, March. 31/03/2014. 21:55 / 09:55 pm.

Tonight, I have decided to stop caring about other people's businesses, except if I was involved or shit like that. I decided to not help people if they don't request it. I naturally want to help people if I think I can help. But I guess, no one wants help from me. They don't want to be seen hanging around with a person like me. It affects their "popularity," "reputation," and "social life." Heart isn't worth shit these days, at least with the people I'm surrounded with.

Fuck them. If I offer help to them, they fucking reject it. If i reject their cry for help, they'll say I'm selfish and shit like that. If I decided to help them anyway, they don't ever appreciate it, and instead fucking insult me for whatever reason.

Fuck, the people that I know who would at least appreciate the thought can still be counted by one hand. Less than 5. And I'm still not sure about them either. I know this sounds weird, like I'm confirming my selfishness, but I've had enough of this shit on my plate.

Forgive me for the ranting section below.

———
Maybe after this, people might say "dude, you've changed." Changed from what? Into fucking what? From "an oblivious guy that can easily be manipulated or whatever" into "a heartless jerk that doesn't listen when someone needs help" kind of guy? Yeah right, someone who "needs help." I can help you. Let me give you a swift punch to your face and shove my foot up your ass. That'll help you a ton. You don't "really need" my help, right? You guys just wanted to use me.
———

End of rant. Agh.

If this is the case, chairs might start flying in class. But I don't care. Not anymore ~♪

—————

Wednesday, April. 02/04/2014. 22:40 / 10:40 pm.

I lost all the data on my psp. Games, save files, screenshots, everything. Even the stuff I don't need or I've never used is gone too. 7.8 GB of gaming progress, fucking gone. I don't know what happened. Nothing can be done, they're gone for good.

I had just finished Dante's Inferno and then I went to the home screen to play another game, but when I opened the games folder, it said its empty. Everything is fucking empty, but my memory is filled by 50%. I have a 16 GB memory stick, but I only have 8 GB of free space.

I checked it immediately with my laptop in the middle of the night, scanned for virus, corrupted data, or some shit that might have caused it. I've found nothing but one folder filled with fucking error files with the size of 8 GB. My laptop can't do anything with it so I deleted it. Tomorrow, I'm gonna start over most of them. I had a back up data but its very old. Pretty sure its shit. I'm gonna use them anyway.

And, I talked to Audrey shortly. When I realized my files were gone and I was about to use my laptop, I opened Twitter and found her there. I talked to her whilst checking my memory stick. I was angry, sad, happy, and relieved at the same time. Sad and angry because I lost my data, happy and relieved because I finally had the chance to talk to her, ever for just a moment.

It was a bit of a weird feeling, good and bad emotion mixed together. We talked shortly about why she disappeared. She said she was forbidden to use the internet for the next 5 months, but she got on anyway if she had the chance. I was so happy but I still think I've annoyed her a bit.

—————

Thursday, April. 03/04/2014. 21:00 / 09:00 pm.

Last night I had a great sleep. The kind of sleep I haven't had for a long time.

I checked my last backed up save files and it was made last year and I'm pretty sure they're shit.

I had a major headache for a whole day and I don't know why, but oh my god was that a skull splitting headache! I mean really, holy shit.

Its weird because I had a good sleep.

—————

Friday, April. 18/04/2014. 23:57 / 11:57 pm.

Hello again boys and girls. Its been a while huh?

I decided to get back into writing earlier. I had originally planned to start doing these kind of things again after my father gets back home, but I can't wait that long. I wanted to write about many things while I'm on break, but then I thought "Let it go. Just move on and be done with it." So, yeah. I forgot most of the stuff that planned on writing.

My father is coming home soon. He called my mother, said that he should be home by Saturday next week. I'm excited, I miss him. But I'm also confused. Things changed dramatically for me after he went overseas. I often question myself "After he came home, would everything just go back to what they were, or would things change further instead?" I can't help but wonder.

Next month, May the 5th to 8th, junior highschools are going to attend graduation exam for 9th grade. My bro has been pushing himself extra hard lately by studying at home with a teacher. I think Audrey is studying hard too, but I don't want her to push herself too hard. She already got his father monitoring her, putting the pressure on her. I can only wish her luck.

This is for the others too: Good luck on your exams. Try your best and hope you pass with flying colors.

After that, its my turn to face the exams. As my brother enters 10th grade, I'll be on the 12th, and will soon face the calamity that is Ujian Nasional.

I only realized this recently, after my bro started studying at home with his teacher.

My life has been going downhill after I dropped out around 2 years ago. Everything went south. Going to this homeschooling community was not a plan to fix my mistake and make a path for my future. Its only a plan to sustain my life until I finished school and continue with whatever I can do after that. Its like the path I took is the same as the one I could have taken but the end result differs significantly. This is a life support device. Without it, I'm done.

After graduating, my dream was to move away and live close to my cousin while going to this particular university near his location. I wanted to study there so that I may become either an engineer, an architect, or a doctor. But after dropping out, the chance of being accepted there is dropping to next to nothing.

Even if my score was somehow higher than the average of all the student in my country, my homeschool certificate wouldn't get me anywhere near to that dream.

I know, I know. Being sceptical is bad.

"You never know until you try."
"No one can predict the future."
"You can lose even if you make no mistake. That is not a weakness, that is life."
"Insert quote here."

But still, this is the reality that I have to go through. My future might be better than what I expected, but it might also be worse. But then again, read the first quote stated above.

—————

Thursday, May. 01/05/2014. 23:23 /11:23 pm.

Heya, boys and girls. Been a while.

I'm supposed to write this last week but I forgot. Dad is finally home, safe and sound. After he came back I realized how empty last month was without him. He really is something else, he's my dad. We're back to our old routine like making stupid jokes on the go and watching tv late at night after studying an hour before.

Mom doesn't do stuff like that you know. After dad went overseas, mom became something like a workaholic. It worries me because she was never like this. She said its because she has a brand launching event and her work intensifies significantly. I don't like this one bit. I made her promise me to stop taking work to home after dad returns. She said the event will be over 2 days before dad's arrival, but after that she continues to work at home. I don't know why. I don't like this at all. Its not good for her I think, tiring herself out like that.

Ah, today is the first day of May. Happy 17th birthday to me! Nah, just kidding. My birthday is still 3 weeks away. I'm not really excited about this, just, meh. What I'm excited about though, is about the new Xmen movie that's going to be on cinemas just one day before my birthday. That is awesome.

Anyway, I think this is it for this month. I'll see you boys and girls again in the next entry. I'm planning to change some stuff around here like the background, theme and stuff, and the music player playlist too maybe. I'm still planning about, so I'll notify you boys and girls about what I'm going to change in OD 16.5. I think I'll post my 17th Online Diary entry on my birthday, but it'll probably be too short. Whatever, I'll come up with something.

I'm going to say this one more time. This is for the 9 graders who are going to face Final Exams next week: Good luck on your exams. Do your best, take your time before picking the answer. Don't panic, calm down, deep breaths. Pray and hope you pass with satisfying results. Ganbatte!

-Aex

OD 15.5: Some kind of answer, and other stuff.

I said in OD 15 that I don't even remember how Audrey and I even met, but I remember other bits of information.

I don't know how it all began, just like a dream. But dreams are just like messages, stories of how our day went and are told to us in our sleep.

No story is not worth telling, and I have something like a story here. Let's see...

If I'm not mistaken, I knew her from before I got kicked out from my school, but I didn't know her that well. I was just following her on Twitter for entertainment. I looked around my bro's Twitter and found her profile. I took a glimpse, and I found her roleplaying.

I didn't know what Twitter roleplay was back then. At first I thought she was a foreigner because of her English skills, but then she talked to my bro about school assignment in Indonesian.

Time went on. I got kicked out, I felt lonely. Technology was my only friend. Everybody seemed to have slipped away from my life, escaping. My parents are terrified, even if I raised my voice by tiny bit, mom would say, "Have  you  taken  your  medicine?" They're scared. My bro seemed so distant, hard to approach.

I began talking to his friends. Before I knew it, I had latched into my bro's social life on Twitter. Like a parasite. And then I talked to Audrey. She was interested in Pokémon, like my bro used to. Before I knew her, I was interested in Pokémon because of my bro. And my curiosity was further pushed after I met her. I began to develop a liking to to Pokémon, and to her. As a friend. Back then she thought I was only an ordinary stranger and a friend of my bro.

After many months, we began talking about Minecraft. The three of us, me, my bro, and her was having a discussion. When I said I'm watching my bro playing Minecraft, she thought I was playing together in his house, then I said I'm his brother. It was a big revelation for her.

Somehow, we became closer as internet friends. Because of her, I met all kinds of people on Twitter.

Her friends:

♦The 'R' siblings: Ray (Ray/Drake/Paul. Male.), Ryan (Gen/Samuel. Male. Ray's older brother.) and Riane (Riane/Rosa. Female. Ray's younger sister.). Singaporean roleplayers.

♦Michael (Aero/Ezio/Zuru. Male.). Also a Singaporean roleplayer.

Those 4 persons have been missing for a very long time by the time you're reading this.

♦Axel. Pokémon enthusiast. Ariafams member.

I could say that he's a pervert because of his brutal honesty about his liking to hentai. But who am I to say that he is a perverted person if I am just the same as he is? Though I am slight less perverted. Maybe.

He is the one who would later introduced me to the other Ariafams members, which are:

♦Jane. K-pop fangirl. Ariafams member.

♦Angel. Pokémon enthusiast. K-pop fangirl. Ariafams member.

♦Abby. Pokémon and Kingdom Hearts enthusiast. His Ariafams membership is now questionable because he moved away to Australia.

Just so you know, Ariafams was founded by the last 4 people mentioned above. Its name was taken from my name, Ariabagas. Everyone used Aria- as their name's prefix. Its members:
•Me, Ariabagas Pr*********, Ariabagas. I prefer AriAex, but I never said anything about it.
•Audrey Vi******, AriAudrey.
•Axel Ku****, AriAxel.
•Jane Alice Ke*****, AriAlice. Before changed into AriAlice, her name was AriaJane.
•Angel Ap******, AriAngel.
•Ak***** "Abby" Se******, AriaBobi. AriAbby would be nice but he wanted it to be AriaBobi. And its funny, so whatever.

I became friends with her classmates too, but only for a while. They don't interest me. And I discovered the PokèTwitter RP universe.

A lot of stuff, basically.

After a while, I began roleplaying. Just for fun and because of my curiosity. But it turned to shit real fast. So I made an early retirement from the world of roleplaying.

At some point, Axel talked to me and said that he loved Audrey and asked whether if I too, loved her or not. I said I do. We became love rivals after that (Does that even make any sense? No? I thought so.). Hell, we even raced who would say happy birthday to her first at midnight on her B-Day. Axel eventually left his feelings of Audrey and moved on to Jane. Reasons unknown.

At this point, I have to apologize. I can't remember anything from August 2013 until January 2014 except a bit of Idul Fitri holiday on some time around August and Audrey's birthday on November. But I think its all written on my old posts.

Before my interest in Pokémon disappeared 2 months ago, I was in the Pokémon fandom. I study about them and stuff like that. You know, like a dedicated student. Or a fanboy trying to enter the competitive scene of Pokémon Battles. In the Idul Fitri holiday (I don't know the international name of the holiday, that's how we Indonesians say it here.) Audrey and I discussed about Pokémon. But I really wouldn't call it a serious discussion because we're really just talking about Pokémon XY and Mega-Evolutions at the time. That's all I remembered.

Now, by the time I'm writing this, Audrey has been "missing" for some time. I wrote about this on my previous post but its kinda short, like about her being busy because of school. The thing that I didn't mention there is that I'm concerned. I'm scared and confused. I talked about this to Jane and she said I should just stay positive. I'm trying to stay positive, but the worst case scenario kept on ringing in my head.

What if she's not coming back?

If she's planning on disappearing then I would try and find her. But, I don't want to upset her. That's why I didn't try and contact her. If the worst happens, I'll just have to let it go and move on. Its the logical thing to do. But I'm not sure I can do it.

I don't wanna talk about it, really. Just stay positive. Relax and put all this worry and fear to the back of my head.

I've been thinking though. My bro's school is going to have graduation exam in May, maybe Audrey got very busy. Its March now, they're probably having training exams from school. Their schedule is gonna be less extreme next month but I'm sure they're still pushed to study a lot. She might be freer next month, but still rarely goes online. And then its study time all over again. Well, what can I do about it, right?

I want to know how this particular love story (or rather, this romantic tragedy.) will end, but I'm also afraid of the answer. Regardless, time will tell. There's no need to rush it.

Let's just look forward.

-Aex