Wednesday, June. 11/06/2014. 13:21 / 01:21 pm.
Hey people its me again. Just to let you know, I might not pass the exam. Yeah. And I'm pretty sure about it this time around.
You know, after all this I've only realized it now, I've become what I detest. A stupid person. I've always thought that I was a better person than all of my classmates, but it all changed after I entered highschool.
Before I entered 9th grade I was above average on everything, or at least, that's what I want to believe. When I entered this homeschooling community, I was already a second best in class. It was good, great. But still, It was not good enough for me. When I tried to climb, I became third best. Third out of five people. The first is Prabowo, he has social anxiety if I remember correctly. I was second to him because the rest of the class sucked. But then there's a newcomer, Ibrahim, and I became second to him. It makes me go into third place. Its as if the harder I try to climb up the ranks, the odds are stacked against me even more. After I graduated and entered 10th grade, the positions were reset and its a free for all battle.
In 10th grade I was number one, it was the time of my life. Maybe the only period of time in my life that I would look back to and refer to it as my golden days. But halfway through, I fell. I became second to Aditya, the one previously sitting in second place. It was only by a slight difference. When I enter 11th grade, my position was dropped even lower with the addition of Izmy and Naufal. I was 4th, and my grades were not that much different than those who goes to school only to hang out. And now, after the metal chair incident, its not only my grades are low. People started to fear me. They backed away, its a logical thing to do.
If I'm to be classified into one of the school stereotypes, I wouldn't fit anywhere. The smart ones? Nah man. The jerks? No way. Nerds are usually smart and it naturally attracts other nerds. The same goes for the jocks, but they're not smart, they just attract other people with their douchebagness. I wouldn't fit into neither of them.
Wednesday, June. 18/06/2014. 23:31 / 11:31 pm.
Have you read what I've written above? When I see it, I just want to erase all of it. I don't want to make myself look bad in front of the audience but then again its my vent and I won't lie to you boys and girls, I'm ashamed to have wrote that. I wanted to make you see what I thought that day.
Or any day, for that matter. Before the stuff above, there are actually stuff I've deleted before I published it. I wrote them, then I erase them because it makes me look bad. What a joke.
Is this what I've been searching for? Publication? Fame and popularity? Yes! But then again, no! Let's say, I did something that made me the center of attention but then I play "hard-to-get" to them.
My breath smells like a drugstore and it makes me want to puke. This sickness makes me look like an addict for using so many medicine. Its just a common cold but its not healing after 2 weeks so I was brought to the hospital. The doctor said I was blowing my nose too hard so the mucus went up a small tube that connects the nose and the ear, making the insides swollen. My left ear is almost deaf, its weird.
Everything is weird. Lately, nothing seems to be right. I feel as if everyone around me getting away, being distant, and disappearing. I felt like the ceiling is crashing down upon me as the ground breaks and falls apart. Suddenly, everything changes. What is everything?
You know there are stuff like automated responses, muscle memory, reflexes, or whatever, right? This might be the first time I mentioned my brother's name.
Almost everyday, I tried to make small talks to Bayu. Whether he's lying on the sofa with his phone or playing in front of the computer, I tried to get his attention. For the reader's convenience, I tried to translate most sentences into English. "Hey, what are you building?" If Bayu is playing Minecraft. "What are you browsing?" If he's on the sofa. Most of the time its just "I'm making/watching/reading something." And I replied with something short too and that's it. On other times he gave a full answer and made a topic we could talk about. On other times he would ignore me. Every time he ignores me I though "okay then I'll ignore you too." But then I do it again later. "Hey."
"Hey son, how's your day?" When mother came home she would almost instantly ask this to me and Bayu. Back then it would be "how's your day? How's school?" Now its just "hey." I think my mind and mom's are getting distant.
Friday, June. 20/06/2014. 14:40 / 02:40 pm.
Today I was supposed to the hospital for mental check up, but the doc was fully booked so its cancelled. Tomorrow is the day I'm worried about though. Parent's meeting at my school, my plummeting grades, you get the idea.
I tried to not think about tomorrow by living in the now. Angel had been a great help, she asked me stuff about Star Wars last night. This morning I planned to watch the entire saga from 1-6. But the CDs are missing and I wasted my morning for it.
Next Wednesday, Ariafams are going to meet up in a mall. I'm glad I made that decision to gather all five of us in one spot and get to know each other. Its just that, I'm not used to doing these kinds of things. But I can't let them down, I don't want to be the one to disappoint them. After all, I'm the one who wanted it.
Thinking about the stuff above made me think about another thing, will I have enough money? I don't want to make myself look like I'm not grateful. I am grateful with what I have, with what my parents had provided. But sometimes, I feel like I want more. I can't help it.
When I go out to school or wherever, I see people having this stuff, that stuff, bla bla bla. I want them too, some of it. But I don't want to ask my parents for it. I'm already troublesome enough with the problem I cause, my attitude,what I did to people. Its pitiful.
I'm sorry.
Now, like any other times if I'm not going anywhere, I lock myself in my parent's room for the day. I turn on the fan and the TV, turned the volume up so no one outside can hear the inside. I usually watch anime on my laptop, or play the PSP, or write these entries, or simply watch the TV.
I really treasure this alone time. I like being alone, but I don't like feeling lonely. I don't have the ability to go out and go somewhere, to get out of the house and disappear to a place where I can be alone. Usually on Wednesdays I go out to swim alone because Bayu is still in school. I swim and swim, enjoying being alone in a place where no one knows me. It feels great!
I haven't been swimming for several weeks because of my sickness and the exams the week before. I miss the water, you know?
23:01 / 11:01 pm.
Tonight has gone to shit. Dad came home angry. Because of me, obviously. Who else could it be, right? Heh.
As I said earlier, there's a parent's meeting tomorrow. Because there was a lack of information, everyone got confused, and the situation heats up. Its my fault. I should've told them there were going to be a PM. I did tell them, just not detailed enough because I don't know either. When? Tomorrow. When exactly? I don't know. Where? I don't know. Probably not in the school building, though I'm not sure either.
The Ariafams meeting encountered some problems too. The date has been moved to the 3rd of July. And everyone has the same problem – money. I don't know about them, but this time I'll ask my parents for money like a greedy teenager in movies.
I'm not the one who created the group and decided to call it Ariafams. I forgot who made it, but I remember it was first called #ariabagasfams.
Dad got up and told me to sleep. 23:11, 11:11. The 1111 wish. Do you know it? I don't, and I don't believe in it either. But maybe, for once. I wish... I don't know. I really don't. I couldn't just wish for all my problems to disappear. That would mean I wish for my parents to be gone. My brother to be gone. My school to be gone. My fears and lies to be gone. I can't. I don't want to fall further.
I wish for a miracle to happen. Anything. Please.
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