This does not feel right at all. I felt like I harassed Audrey and she kept me out. That's one logical thing to do, shutting someone out if they are annoying you, but... I'm not on the receiving end of the stick, I am the cause. The other option is to talk about it.
I don't know what I did, I really don't. But it has escalated to this.
Currently, my heart is pounding greatly, like something bad is gonna happen. This has been happening for some time now, maybe its because the National Exams closing in, my parent's pressures on me, and the lack of social interaction.
I felt like I have to harass someone to relieve stress, so I made a post, [OD 31, not]. I dug up my questions from both of Audrey's askfm accounts, and posted it there as hyperlinks. I couldn't find much because of my slow internet. This is like an illness, I felt better over time but stress put me back in a diseased state. I think she finally realized I have been doing some shady stuff for some time in her askfm account. If she doesn't, here's a short list:
I was George, I was some of the anonymous asker, I was Erœ, I was Luna. I visit everyday, like I visit her blog. After waking up, after school, and before sleeping.
Askfm tweets were the trending topic at the time, but I didn't bother to join in and make an account. I participated indirectly instead. Audrey just popped in my mind, so I harassed her online as Erœ, I roleplayed with her as George and Luna, and ask her about her daily life as the anon reader.
Outside harassing out of pure hatred and trying to simulate intimate interaction, I became George. I roleplayed just for the sake of roleplaying. I faced Erœ's threat with Audrey, Angel, and Axel, but I was also Erœ. The tag I used to separate myself from Erœ was Æx. When the real Luna disappeared, I took her place in Audrey's askfm page, saying I'm an anon. I'm both the old Luna, the one before she went pregnant and disappeared, and the last Luna, the one after leaving the children with Fleece, Audrey's character. I'm also the legion of anon that participated in the voting to determine the last Luna's behaviour.
Me, a guy, roleplaying a girl.
Audrey, a girl, roleplaying a guy.
It's funny, I think. Making different personas of myself.
One day, I realized Audrey's contact went missing from my Line friend list. I panicked, thinking I was blocked. I apologized, I made a status post about, but I forgot she couldn't see it. I stalked. She made a new Instagram acc. And almost ignored both her askfm acc. Both Twitter and Facebook activity is nonexistent. She deleted her blog after I posted [OD 31, not] but not after she posted one last post that I didn't get to read, because it got deleted with the rest of it. She made a new askfm account and joined an Indonesian Pokemon forum.
I felt ignored, but I also don't want any social interaction. I just want to stalk. I want to read every update, every changes, everything. It has become a habit, hardwired into my brain. I don't have any activity to replace my routine, and I got confused.
[OD 13, not] and this post is a product of my confusion. I always try to not give the audience any clue or hints in my blog posts, that I was the one pulling the strings behind some scenes. This cautious persona is always active, lurking in the back of my head.
But since Audrey is not there anymore for me to stalk, play, talk, and harass, I don't know what to do. And since she's not here to watch anymore, I don't need to hold back.
But what if she's still here? Reading up until this very sentence?
Well, now you know the truth and everything is up to you. I'll go about my life, searching for things to do, trying to tweak and customize said activity so that I can fit it in my routine.
This is my freedom of speech, but I'm aware that I'm not free of its consequence. I don't know the consequence of what I did, but I know I'm going to hell for sure. So that's fine. Hell, I don't even know if I still believe in hell or not.
I'm scared. I felt like my heart is gonna jump out of my throat. I'm possessive. Something bad is going to happen because of it. I don't know if I'll survive, and what would I do if I do survive.
Anyway, bang! I blew my cover. Now, I'm gonna bleed for the next few weeks. Tomorrow, my so called "Calm Week" starts, and National Exams starts next week after that, then, I don't know.
I'll just wait.
...You know? This is just like I harassed my old classmate's Facebook page when I was in junior highschool. Her name is Jessica Natasha, one of the J Curse. I was in love with her too. I was universally hated after that. I faced hatred, and I turned out fine. I fought despair and I turned out fine. At least, after several weeks have passed.
So, its fine.
One day Izmy asked me about my previous school. It was during recess. She asked me about a part of my life that I've left behind, out of the blue. To me, it was a good school up until I realized about my role as a student and began thinking about what other people think about me. But as I said before, it was a part of my life that I wanted to forget about, so for every question she asked me, I answered them shortly and asked her two questions. I got some information about her past and stuff, so thats kinda refreshing. I'm tired of saying, "I stabbed someone, that's how I got here."
Izmiyah Afaf was an Al-Azhar student, and that is a famous Muslim school name in Indonesia. There are many Al-Azhars. All the values that I believed to be in every student that once went there exists in her. Religious, smart, polite, overall she's what you call an honor student, or even more.
Physically speaking, Izmy is a short person. The top of her head might be just over my chest, with a somewhat below average build. Maybe she doesn't exercise much, but she's not fat, instead, she's kinda skinny. I've never seen her face without her jilbab and glasses, and her body, save for her face and hands, are well covered.
Out of all the Muslim friends that I know, including myself, she might be the most religious of them all. But she doesn't talk much about religion, maybe its because she knew people around here aren't that religious. She's also very smart, I could almost say she's mentally gifted even though she's not. She's just really diligent and unbelievably good at every subject. If there's a speech, discussion, or argument simulation, she would play her role with her whole soul. My class even have an inside joke about how Izmy worries about failing a test, even though she never failed any since she first got here, and if a teacher said she failed, they would later say that it was a mistake and she didn't fail.
***
Whenever Izmy talks to anyone, she would speak softly and politely, like a flight attendant. The language she uses is sometimes too formal for regular talks, but mostly she speaks normally. Just for my amusement, whenever we engaged in a conversation, I would try my best to be as formal as she is and pretend as if we're both office workers in an important meeting. It was quite exhausting but very entertaining to me, but perhaps to her it was just a regular everyday talk.
I wrote above that she's like an honor student, right? But its not exactly like that. I'll put an example using anime character archetypes. Excuse my fucking otakuness. Honor students, teacher's pets, student council presidents. These people, and by people I mean girls, are depicted in anime as smart, sexy with a minimal breast size of D cup, and are somehow seductive--if not strict. Izmy is not like that. She's more like the protagonist's nerd-ish love interest, minus the shy part.
Izmy never, ever, ever, EVER got a bad mark. She's like, the most excellent example for academic performance, despite having missed class frequently. I believe this was the trait she inherited from entering Al-Azhar. You see, around my circle of social interaction, this Islamic school has always been associated with good morals and high scores. And because of that, I eventually believe it too. After I graduated elementary school, whenever I don't see anyone I know around, I always ask where they went--which school do they attend to.
Some of the smart Islam students go to Al-Azhar. I never went there myself, but my friends that went there tell me their stories. I cannot say for sure if whatever they said was true because there are various differences in stories that I've heard, but its still interesting. Perhaps each Al-Azhar is different? I don't know.
***
Dillon and I have been close friends for the longest time, longer than anyone I know that isn't blood related. We've been friends since the 3rd grade of elementary school, until now. That's about 8 years, more or less. Sure, as time went by we lost connection, but we still meet up sometimes. In his house, of course.
He attended junior high and highschool in Al-Azhar. His behaviour is consistent with what I believe to be the standard Al-Azhar behavior. Religious, smart, and polite. But he still retains his non responsive attitude. Cool, laid back, and relaxed.
Since I entered my senior year, he would sometimes show me something new about the world whenever I stop by his place. Most of the time, the subject is related to science. If I don't understand, he would explain it to me. To be honest, my pride is sometimes strained during these events. The scientific world explained by a person who delve in social science, politics, and economic studies, to me who studies applied science and the likes of biology and such. But its okay, I like it when he explains stuff. If it was someone else, I'll probably feel annoyed by my own ignorance.
But a different thing happened to Fadil. Fadil is a student from the IPS class. He's not that bright but he's funny as hell. I always thought of him as "the other side of Al-Azhar" because, sure he's religious and all that but he doesn't fit in. He's just passing by before kicking himself out of the school. He's kind of like me, but less of a social outcast.
He was an Al-Azhar student before entering the homeschooling community. The first time I ever met him was at Dillon's house. I've written this before, so I won't tell you again. When Fadil first joined HSKS, he was like a sickly baby. He said there's something wrong with his stomach (ripped insides or something) and it was caused partly from his stress dealing with the people of Al-Azhar. Although I hardly believe his story, I know stress can make you sick so I let his story slide. Whenever I saw him I always thought "That guy is close to dying, seriously." But over time, he gets better and starts laughing.
***
Both Izmy and Fadil told me the people who studied there isn't as good as most people perceive them to be. This part of UntimedOD is supposed to be about those behaviours, but I don't have proof so I can't really say much. But I do know that they weren't lying, because I would realize if they were.
Hm...
In the end, I didn't write anything bad about Al-Azhar's "other side" but I believe someone out there knows the truth. I'm not saying its a universally bad place with a good cover, I'm saying that Al-Azhar isn't all candy and rainbows. There's a bad side to everything, even if its just a little.
-Aex
Wednesday, January
28/01/2015
Witty blog post.
Just kidding.
Hey there, boys and girls.
Today might be the last day of school, because after I went home earlier today, I'm officially on vacation. I'll be doing the National Exam in 10 days. The next 10 days would be what the teachers call as the "Calm Week" like the calm before a storm. I mean, having some days not going to school is great and all, but how am I gonna spend it? The obvious answer is of course by studying because, well, this is the National Exams here we're talking about. Another option is by doing something else. I'll probably waste my precious time doing the latter.
tl;dr
I'll be having a 10 day vacation before facing National Exam and I don't know what to do with it.
Fucking hell. I'm scared as shit. You boys and girls might not be able to see it (of course you can't) but beneath this relaxed face is a swirling tornado of negative emotions.
*slap!* Geto your shito togezeru, Aekkusu! *slap!*
*Ahem!*
I'll probably waste my time playing video games and watching anime. I still have to finish Players Chapter 1 Part 2/2. After I finish it, I'll merge it with the 1st part.
I also think Azerres is better than just Zerres.
Lynmere Azerres Light
Lynmere Zerres Light
See? And it sounds better too. I'll probably gonna edit the 1st part a bit.
And the new UntimedOD is almost finished too. Title: Izmiyah Afaf, Al Azhar's good name, and the bad behavior hidden behind it.
Its a 3 section post, and I gotta finish the 3rd part soon so I can post it together with Players Chapter 1 part 2/2.
And I gotta trim my fingernails, they're tapping the screen loudly as I'm typing this--I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TYPING ANYMORE!!!
Argh!
*pant...*
Anyway, I'll try to write more frequently as I have fuck tons of free time.
See you later.
Witty farewell.
And this is totally not an April Fool's joke, because it was yesterday.
Monday, March. 02/03/2015 18:54
Hello, boys and girls, its me again.
Today I got told that I passed every subject except for Indonesian. I wanna live in America now, because I cannot speak Indonesian, apparently.
But wasn't that amazing? I didn't fail Math, Physics, Biology, Chemistry, Civics, and English. Because of that I only attend Indonesian review and went home. I get one day off. There's extra class, actually, but I didn't care. I don't wanna stick around for too long.
Tuesday, March. 03/03/2015 14:31
Whenever I wanted to write something, whether if its these entries or fictional stories, several conditions must be met. I get inspiration if I:
*don't have my phone with me. Ah, fuck. This seems to be the number one inspiration trigger.
*am on a trip. Also very rare.
*am in the bathroom. Obviously, I won't have my phone with me.
And many more that I myself don't know. Often times more than one condition must be fulfilled in order for me to get inspiration.
Since I didn't have school today, I made up my mind to dedicate this day only for writing and experimenting. Put it simply, I tried to simulate the conditions above as much as possible, but it didn't work because I still have my phone with me. I guess I'll just let things slide naturally then.
Sunday, March. 08/03/2015 23:45
Last night Audrey chatted me that she has read my blog post and told me something about the keychains. She didn't receive it. That's why nothing came up online. I asked her about her dad and told her about his car that I saw, she confirmed it was her dad's. She said her dad didn't know anything when she asked him about it after she read my blog post. Earlier tonight I discussed this with my brother and he had a few theories. Some that I remember are:
*Audrey's dad actually forgot about it, forgot where he put it, forgot who he got it from. Its the most innocent theory, and it's actually possible.
*Audrey's dad is being a stereotypical protective father over her daughter. He doesn't want Audrey to be in a relationship at the moment. Makes sense.
Regardless, I'm really bummed right now. But at least I learned a lesson. I should give important personal gifts directly to make sure it gets through. I didn't know why I gave the keychains to a stranger. If I wanted to give it to her, I should've gone through with it. Instead I panicked and got spooked by a stranger who turned out to be Audrey's dad. I made the assumption that he was her dad without thinking clearly. I should've made small talks, made sure who he was before handing them.
Now, chatting with her felt really weird. Well, after having a period of time not communicating with each other, who wouldn't? I felt awkward. I missed her, but I couldn't say that right off the bat, can I?
"Hey, its been a while."
"Yeah, I missed you."
Awkward...
Our conversation was really short, or at least, I felt it wasn't enough. I guess I was too formal, but that's a weak excuse. I should've asked rhetorical questions, but I was afraid I might annoy her. I think my best course of action is to be an NPC. Only act if its requested.
Ah, but there's not much that I can do either. *sigh*
Thursday, March. 12/03/2015 12:19
I was gonna say "Hey, boys and girls." But I already said that on the top. I thought I say that too much, almost every time after I write the date and time. That's why I deleted some of them on the above. Anyway, I wanna talk about something, and this is actually an Untimed OD material thing but after seeing there's an increasingly larger time gap between entries, I decide to put it here.
I have one pet peeve, among other things: Vagueness. Or purposelessness? Maybe?
I realized something this week: I cannot live without purpose, a clear purpose. I need routines. Without it, I'll break. I always ask for schedule as clear as possible. I also can't improvise when facing an unclear task. What a lame person, huh?
Like they say, "A mind without purpose will wander in dark places."
Maybe that's why I like my PSP so much, it gave me a false sense of purpose. You know, making progress and killing bosses. Its also addicting, its something to do if I don't have any task, or waiting for the next agenda in my schedule to start.
And maybe that's why I don't talk much to people, its not on my subroutine. For what purpose? I don't know. Idle talk is good, but I don't- and I can't, gain anything from it. But I also think this is just another excuse for an antisocial person to use.
I'll talk about what happened this week, I think it'll shed some light on the matter. I said I passed every subject aside from my own language, right? On Monday, I had an Indonesian remedial. The remedials start at 1 o'clock because underclassmen were having mid-semester test. I arrived at 8 on purpose.
I watched YouTube for 3 hours then the remedials are open. I knew after I finished I'll be free, no school, at least until Friday. I finished it quickly and felt some weight has been lifted, but I wasn't totally at ease. Before I turn in my paper I thought to myself, what am I gonna do while on vacation?
After I gave my paper, I asked the teacher for the upcoming week's schedule. As I had expected, she didn't know shit. Before I went home, Fadil shouted something at me. It's something along the lines of: "you're done, right? You're staying home tomorrow, right? I challenge you to come to school!" I accepted it, because I wanted to bring my laptop to torrent a movie, and laugh at him and Adit for having so many remedials. I promised Fadil I'd laugh at him, and I did.
I was relieved he challenged me. He gave me something to do. At home, I felt some kind of emptiness. I need to do something, at least, until tomorrow comes, I thought. I wanted to write but I have no inspiration to do so, so I watched anime instead. Procrastination at its finest.
The next day, Tuesday, I arrived at school and searched for an empty class to use my laptop. I ended up using the room I used to watch YouTube yesterday. I torrent said movie, and played my PSP as I wait until 1 o'clock. I was trying to accomplish as many task as possible at school that day. Finish as many quests in Monster Hunter, torrent a movie, laugh at Adit and Fadil, get some information about next week's schedule, and find out the materials I need to study for end-semester test.
The teacher said the exams starts next week, but she didn't give the exact schedule like what subjects are there gonna be on Monday, etc, etc. I also have two days off, Wednesday and Thursday (today). I made a conclusion they're gonna give the exact schedule tomorrow. She then said the materials for the tests can be downloaded from their website.
All I did for the last two days are just watching anime. I finished two series, one with the second season. Now, I don't know what to watch. Yesterday my plan was to be productive. Draw and write, stuff like that, but I didn't.
Sunday, March. 15/03/2015 05:49
This is probably the earliest I woke up by myself in years. I'm sick, I caught a cold. I slept at 11 and only stayed asleep for 4 hours. I woke up at around 3 and proceeds to roll around in bed for another hour before finally getting up to use the toilet. Now, I'm sitting on the sofa.
Last night before I went to bed, after I got out of the bathroom, there was a cockroach outside the bathroom. I killed it, dumped the body in the bin. Then, a few minutes ago before I used the toilet, there is another cockroach inside the bathroom. I killed it and flushed its dead body.
I started to think there might be an infestation in my house. I shuddered in fear, just the thought about it. But that thought soon disappeared, because I felt a weird sensation when the base of my foot touched the cold floor. I think back to the last time I got up this early. I can't remember it clearly, but I'm sure it was when I'm still in elementary school. Got up very early just to watch morning cartoon. Then saying goodbye when my parents go to work. So nostalgic.
Wednesday, March. 18/03/2015 17:30
The rainy season is over. Now is the dry season.
Today is the third day of end semester test week and might also be the last day of my internet activity. I'm not gonna stop using the web altogether, no, its just that dad's company is on the verge of death. I got a message from costumer service, saying my internet services are going to be stopped completely tomorrow, the 19th of March. And tomorrow is my brother's birthday.
What a bummer.
I've told you boys and girls that I won't write during exams, right? But I need to get some stuff out of my chest, one of them being the internet thing I've already said above.
So, on Sunday, my dad got sick. He was sweating heavily in bed when he was taking a nap. Its almost like he took a shower. I was watching YouTube when suddenly dad got up and ran to the bathroom. He threw up. He did that several times until mom put him in bed. Mom said to me he suffers from vertigo. The next day they both didn't go to work.
My brother got a week of vacation. Nothing really special, he just plays the computer all day as usual. On Monday, the first day of end semester exam, mom, dad, and my brother stayed at home. On my usual route to school, there's a construction. They're building a flyover near the river, and its jamming the traffic so bad, I have to take another route and circle around back. Basically, the distance got more than doubled. Its been like this since February.
The route brings back memories. You see, on my way to school I always go out of my housing complex through the same route. On the exit, I could choose to go along the river or go over the bridge. Back when I was still in my old school, I always go through the bridge since elementary school until the day I got kicked out. 8 years. Since I started going to HSKS, I always go along the river.
Now, since there's a traffic jam because of the flyover construction, I had to use the bridge route. When I get to the bridge, I felt an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. I felt like a kid who always look down on the traffic on the highway from the side the bridge every morning on my way to school for 8 years straight again. This is the route to my old school.
After I went over it, I went under it. This also brings back many memories. In my kindergarten days, before I live where I'm living now, I live in a contracted house. This is the route to that old housing complex. This is also the route to my friend's house, I call him Nugi. I think he's the person who got me into pornography. He's a complicated person. He's smart, perverted, likes to joke around, and religious. Weird as hell.
As I go along this path, I must take a detour midway, to another path leading to another one of my friend's house. His name is Jagad, meaning Galaxy in Indonesian. He's the person that deepens my love for the Monster Hunter series. He's a very, very, very strong person. He's a monster in physical exercise. He's also very kind, and very rich. His father is a military general.
21:35
My parents got home and dad asked me about today's exam. I said it was hard. Then dad asked me if I'm feeling unwell, maybe because I'm just laying around in bed with a depressed expression pasted on my face as I watch a BMX freestyle show. I don't feel unwell, but maybe I'm just kind of sad for no reason. Maybe its because of all these nostalgic feelings.
There's a lot of things that I've forgotten. A lot of confusing things. Like, what made me change from a social person, to who I am now? I remember my 7th grade class meeting after finals. I hang out a lot with my friends after the exam. How am I able to do that? That's not like me at all. I also remember my 8th grade class meeting after finals. There's no one around, everyone is on vacation even though its not the holidays yet. I was alone the whole day, drawing doodles on my book in class. It was a sunny week. I wished it stayed like that forever. And now I want it to happen again, seriously.
23:04
I'm going to post this now. No more internet tomorrow, and getting WiFi is hard. I'm going on a hiatus, maybe. Maybe I'll stop writing about my life for a while and focus about other things, like stories and untimed sections which has been abandoned for quite a while.
So, yeah.
I'll see you when I see you.
-Aex
