Notice

I accidentally wiped my phone clean. I lost all my fictions, whatever happened during the first half of January 2015, my music, everything.

I only can remember some things from the top of my head. I know for sure I played with knives and fire. And my academic scores were shit.

I have a backup but its from December 2014. My fictions won't change because I haven't added anything since November anyway.

I'm just giving a heads up, this isn't really important or anything. I'll come up with a new OD 28.

OD 27.5: Untimed

This is the first Untimed Online Diary. In this kind of posts I'll talk about certain topics instead of my daily days. For this one, I'll just talk about the recent ones like from a few weeks ago until OD 27.

This OD will have no time markers on it, but I do however, will write the time and date this was first written. There might not be another Untimed Online Diary, but then again, I might make another one. Who knows?

***

First I'm gonna talk about myself. One thing that I know for sure in life is that the hardest thing is identifying oneself. I've shamelessly asked many people about my behavior. Other than hot-headed and a loner, some called me funny, mysterious, or flat out cold. I'll agree on one thing: Back then, I have that cold side. Now though, I don't think I have it anymore. I just act cold, but I really thought about whatever that's happened in my head over and over, and over.

Call me naive but when I was still a kid I can be cold as shit regarding sad stuff or stuff in general. Probably because I don't understand them and I remember thinking, "I don't understand, so why should I care?" But I'm not cold all the time, mind you.

When I was a kid, people commented on my cruelty and called me a heartless because one time I shoot dogs and cats from my front porch or at the school gates with a bb gun. There was a street vendor selling toys in front of my old school, and I bought a bb gun and its pellets. I remembered it being like a Beretta 92. I said "relax man, its just a stupid dog/cat" whenever someone told me to stop.

During my days in elementary school I participated in extracurricular English lessons for around 3 years (needs confirmation) and eventually shot my teacher with said bb gun after saying "shut up, bitch." A phrase I learned from GTA:SA. She went out afterwards and I can't remember what happens next. I think I thought to myself to get rid of the evidence and broke the gun then throwing it to the bin.

Note: these 3 years is important to me because it laid the base for my English skills. During these years my English scores are way below average, now its 7-9/10 most of the time.

***

Why I'm bringing this cold hearted topic thing is because my grandfather has died and- call me cold but I didn't feel sad when he died. I don't know if that's gonna change, though. I don't know if I'm gonna change. I do feel weakened but it might be because I just got back from swimming.

I didn't really know grandpa because I only meet him once a year for maybe a week. Two weeks tops, and they're filled with family traditions so there's not much I can learn from him. I didn't really have the time to really talk with him. I never had the chance, or maybe I didn't take the chance, to talk to him. About anything, about him, or his days as a teenager or whatever. I never took the initiative. There's no personal space, because when its talking time, its over lunch and with distant relatives I barely know about. Surely you don't wanna talk about someone's past with people you barely knew about, right? Even if they're family.

To me, Darjono was a kind and a very discipline person. The way dad talks about him made the impression that he was once a harsh guy, but my dad looked up to him nonetheless. I don't really have a deep connection to him but I'm glad I knew him. I am proud to have known him, even if its just a little. I don't even know his last name.

I have this happy feeling because I never knew my grand father from my mother's side. He died when I was so little, maybe even before I entered elementary school. Its kind of annoying how my mom and her mom said when I was little, I liked him so much when I couldn't even remember his face.

I was told he died on 30/12/2014 some time around ashar prayer, so its around 16:00. He died because of a heart attack. Mom kinda said he was sleeping when he was dying because he snored. Though it might be his last breath instead. My mother received a call from my father to get an airplane ticket as fast as humanly possible. He was still alive around this time, and is on his way to the hospital. When my dad arrived home to pack up, he had already passed away. Then mom called me and you know what happens next if you read my previous entry.

Since dad left for a week to accompany his mother as she was still in grief, I had difficulties sleeping. I decided to write all this because I thought since I won't sleep until midnight, why don't I wrap everything that I haven't said in one post? Plus some extra stuff that's been abandoned in the drafts that had nothing to do with my everyday life. Opinions and thoughts. (Boom, origins of untimed online diary.)

I'm a Gemini and some astrological website thing said that I can be a good actor. I can't really tell what the hell I felt when my grandpa died, I didn't care that much about it but I had to act like it made me sad because I saw my father getting all teary and red-eyed but he tried not to cry. He tried to be strong in front of his sons.

His friends were present at my house as they were the ones that gave my father the ride back home and they too took him to the airport. I might be wrong but I saw awkwardness in them. And how could my father laugh when his father has just been declared deceased moments earlier? To cheer his friends? Isn't he's the one who's supposed to be sad? I don't understand.

But then again, I didn't feel sad about my grandpa. So who am I to question such things? I don't yet understand those kinds of feelings, so I couldn't possibly say that my father was wrong to act like that.

***

Long before the creation of this blog, I used to draw from time to time but I have stopped and my hand got stiff from all the video gaming. Since I entered 10th grade, whenever I have the urge to draw I usually don't know what to draw, so I just stayed still and stared blankly at my pen.

Audrey however has mad drawing skills and used it to the max by drawing frequently. But despite her skills she's still irritated by what all content-creator think as a nightmare: content stealing.

Now, Audrey herself never got her art stolen nor she ever has stolen any art, but her "friend" Jovita stole her ideas. This deal about Jovita stealing her- and other people's art ideas stressed Audrey out and she talked about it with me and Angel.

Call me empty but I am easily affected. I laugh when someone laugh without knowing what made them laugh, or I get angry by hearing other's misfortune.

At first I got kind of upset, but knowing that the internet is a harsh place and I'm not in any way a hacker, or even decent with technology, I did whatever I could do without raising too much drama. I blocked Jovita from my Instagram and reported her for copyright infringement. As you would expect, they didn't have any effect on her.

A few days later I kind of realized that she just stole the idea and made something out of it- in this case, a drawing, not outright stole the art. But still, something bothered me and I couldn't quite place my finger on it, so I Googled art theft (yes, I did that.) and came to an amateur detective conclusion. Hehe.

I for one can see that if, IF she looks at other people's art and implement the ideas within into her own piece, like the pose, or the background for a fan art I'm fine with that. More so if she credited them. But if you steal the internal part or signature part (I don't know how to say it) like ripping off character design, that is wrong. Its like, directly copying a unique eye pupil shape instead of making it an inspiration and making your own unique styled pupil.

At first I didn't really understand what I'm trying to say myself until I did another Google search and gained a somewhat better understanding regarding the matter from this link. Its a good read. You boys and girls should give it a read if you're content creators.

And now comes this part which I wrote kind of reluctantly because this involves talking shit about Audrey.

I thought her madness was weird and irrational. "why did she get mad for this?" Maybe because I never really had my creation stolen or used by other people, I would never understand. But then again, I do possess an unexplainable burning hatred towards someone, unexplainable even to me. You boys and girls should know who, so I won't bother calling names.

As Jovita's crimes continue on unchecked, Audrey began to lose her shit over these matters. She began taking screenshots for comparison. I saw Jovita's art and other people's art which Audrey sent to me and Angel and we can see the similarities. It seemed like Jovita is barely trying to cover her tracks. She obviously stole the pose- its hard to explain. Let's say she traced the art and replaced the subject with her own character.

Her own character, which is partially original. Ha. She stole the eye design from a person I don't know, but Audrey showed it to me. Jovita said the character's eye changes into that stolen design if it transformed into its ironically named "Origin Form." If someone said something like "the pose/weapon/clothes/whatever, it looks familiar, like my art." Or something, she'll just state that it was her own original idea with an extra dot in the end of the sentence. "Like this.." which further reassures me that she stole it... Sounds weird, huh...? Reading like this..... Hehe......

The things that I've picked up was also picked up by Audrey. At first she wanted to bring her down and proved to the public that she plagiarized their ideas, then she just wants to do offensive arts, ones that are offensive to her religion, since Jovita held her religion high with pride. But she couldn't bring herself to do it.

To be honest, I felt relieved she dropped it because I can't imagine Audrey being consumed by wrath just as I did. Becoming what I was. I can't lose her. In the end, though, Audrey said she will surpass Jovita in things she cannot do (or maybe, cannot copy. Since anyone can learn to do it.), like selling T-shirts with her drawing on it, or doing 3d modelling.

During Audrey's outrage I acted as if I agreed with her ideas, so far that I also gave her more ideas to do offensive arts and asking Angel about bad things in her religion, but in reality I didn't really care. I thought that, given enough time, Audrey will realize it herself. Realize that this is not gonna change anything, or maybe even make things even worse than it already was.

The day after I suggested those ideas I realized she's still upset about it and shown me a ripoff of her art, done by none other than Jovita. She's not taking my hints. Since that moment I try to subtly redirect her to the right direction, which leads to selling shirts and 3d models.

***

Aha, speaking of Angel... forgive me for talking shit, but I need to prolong this post by a bit.

Recently she has been trying to communicate in english just as I do but everything came about close to being correct, instead of entirely correct. But she does most of the time say short sentences correctly, usually phrases like common metaphors used frequently in the Internet.

She started doing these attempts since she started fangirling over Benedict Cumberbatch, trying to be as British as a fangirl could be. I don't really mind at first but she started retweeting her fangirling material at my Twitter timeline. I tolerated her, but as time went on it became kind of annoying.  For your information, up until this is written, I've muted Angel for several weeks now.

At least she's better than Audrey's cousin (niece?) which I've talked about in one of my ODs but as an example only. Audrey's cousin, let's call her D, is a fujoshi and I'll bluntly say that she openly likes gay anime sex. Mind that this is only a summary of what I've seen and/or experienced. (Not the gay sex, oh god no.)

I'll go over to D first before going back to Angel to give you an idea of what I'm talking about. If I'm not mistaken, I didn't talk about D outside of making her an example, now I'll talk about her too, because why not. Haven't really say anything about her except for gay anime sex.

I followed her on Twitter for a time then unfollowed. I don't know her but Audrey does as she's her cousin. She would either go silent for days or go online nonstop. During the online period she would spam the timeline with short gay anime sex tweets. Like this paragraph but chopped to pieces and with many spaces in between. Example:

Tweet #1: " *tries to talk deep shit about gay anime sex*
what the fuck...
.
.
.
...am I saying?" This could be shorter but it seems she likes to blindly press enter in the middle of a tweet.

Tweet #2: " *common comment or retweet of gay anime sex* oh my gOD THIS IS
.
.
.
.
SO HOT wwwwww *insert said hot pic here. Use your head, readers.*" after I first saw this, I disabled picture preview. I put it back on during the last quarter of 2014. So its almost an entire year even though I followed D for less than 2 months- or maybe 2 weeks.

Almost all the spam came in those formats. Imagine if they come out at 4 tweets a minute for 3 hours. Fuck, I think I wrote "gay anime sex" too many times. Whatever, as long as I get my point across. Heh.

We're done with D, let's get back to Angel. Angel didn't really become like D, she just retweets the fangirl material but it makes her seems online nonstop, waiting for those tweets then retweeting them as soon as they come out.

Because of things like this, my following on Twitter is very few. Around 30 following for 70 followers. Yes, I am picky, but not private. I prefer if they tweet regularly at a certain time, like tv programs.

Aside from those retweets, she also tweets her own commentary or something, and in English. For an example: "I want quit" instead of "I want to quit." I get the message but still, it isn't correct and somehow funny. This is just a minor discomfort on my end and I just want to put it out there. Compared to her seemingly nonstop Twitter activity, her sub par English is alright.

This post dumb. Me smash rock now.

About D, if you're confused why I described her as a creature so low with no reason, its not because I hate her. No, sir. It's just that I'm disgusted by her kind.

I hope to never make another foolish decision like that ever again.

*shivers*

***

I guess that's it for this post. I'll see you boys and girls again in OD 28.

Aex, Thursday, January 1st, 2015. 18:01.

OD 27: Darjono

Wednesday, December. 17/12/2014 17:23

The last day of the first semester of XII-IPA grade. If you boys and girls ask me what it was like, I would say it was kind of a peaceful day overall.

The last 2 weeks was pretty meh to me because I had end semester tests and I failed 3 out of 7 subjects. I had a week of early vacation because I retried all 3 of those failed subjects in one day, but I wasted those precious vacation days not knowing that I can stay at home since I finished school anyway. But if I hadn't come to school in one of those days I wouldn't have this wonderful talk with Enrico. He is an IPA underclassman.

2 days ago I thought I still have to go to school so I went but when I got there, the place was deserted. My classmates are nowhere to be found. I went to my class after buying some food and started watching YouTube like what I would usually do before morning class for the last one and a half years. Oh, my God. Hes an NPC!!! This is probably an entry of the NPC's diary obtained as a reward after completing one of his quests!

Anyway, just after I finished jumping from channel to channel, a teacher knocked on the door to tell me about an assignment my whole class have to participate in: Market Day. I thought "Ah, shit. Shortened vacation." so I lied to her by saying I've no part in it and my classmates didn't tell me about it. I thought she would spare me the bullshit but instead she dragged me further into it leg first. "God damn it." I thought, luckily since there's no one around she can't do anything about Market Day and we both did nothing.

I wandered around school because I was bored and then I met Enrico. The first time we met was in Wonosobo expedition in the bus. We talked a lot. About how we became gamers, about the fanboy mentality and its community, about how we got to this homeschooling community in the first place, and a lot of random nonsense in between.

He went into homeschooling because he can't take it anymore- both mentally and physically- in a formal school. It proved to much for him and he said it has made some kind of impact to his health. But we don't know that, right?

I wasn't really into video games even in the PSOne days. Even after PS2 came out I'm still just a regular person- I go out. It's not until the first time I played Kingdom Hearts II that I became a gamer. But now I'm just a regular person because I "don't keep up with the latest in gaming." Rico is the same. He first "awakened" his gamer side after playing said game.

He knows a lot about games and that makes me connect better with him. The difference between us is that he's keeping his status as a gamer and stayed up to date. When we talked about several famous titles, he said something like this to me before stating his opinion: "I'm sugarcoating my words and opinions so I won't upset the fans and save myself from their flaming."

It is true. MOST OF THE TIME, these so-called hardcore fans reject other's opinion about what they're fans of and counter the arguments with biased opinions. Fanboys see what they praise as good and others as bad. But its up to them to listen or not to other people's opinions, so, whatever. We can't force people like them into listening, can we?

Well, the good thing about a fanboy- if not for their hyperbolic loyalty to a franchise- is that if they know about something, let's say, a franchise, they know it very well. They know it front to back, inside and out. We are both fans of a franchise and discussed about other franchises until he uttered a word that changed the subject into a deeper conversation: hypocrisy.

We both claim our "eyes" are still clear enough to not be clouded with biases and became fanboys, but there are those hidden moments of hypocrisy that are usually realized days or even weeks after we became hypocrites. For me, hypocrisy usually came in after a hype of something that interests me. Overblown hype usually causes disappointment.

Like my hype believing Enrico would still come to school to play with me even after knowing he can start vacation the next day. I believed he will come- for 2 days I waited. I should've known he wouldn't come. Well, I shouldn't have not come to school anyway, so its a fair trade.

Monday, December. 22/12/2014 11:51

"Do you actually like it when you're being walked over like that? Being underestimated and getting ordered around?" I frequently ask myself this question lately- to be exact, from the day Adit bought his Vita until now, and I don't know how to answer that, really.

I realized, I knew, and I understood that I'm letting things go into my head too easily and it made me over think about a lot of stuff. Being too selfless can be a gift and a weakness, and to me it's a weakness. It can be turned into a gift if I became a volunteer at a charity but that's not the case.

I've been underestimated at school because I "don't keep up with the latest gadgets" and they thought of me like an "old school person." When the test results came out people were asking me for answers but I don't give them what they want and I was pushed away.

I didn't know what was going on and people are staying away from me, it makes me feel like I did something wrong and I felt guilty and scared. At least that was what I felt back then. We can't know for sure what's happening in their circle, right? Now I know I did the right thing, but still, being avoided like this isn't exactly the best feeling.

At home I've been ordered around by my dad and my brother about trivial stuff and- I want to "disobey," you know? Like saying "go do it yourself!" But I can't. There is an unexplainable fear deep inside. I'm not a very good talker, even against my brother I won't win so I just do what he says. Maybe its just me being afraid my pride would get scratched so I hid it behind my back and moved along.

After doing this for some time, I questioned myself, "Do I enjoy being pushed around? Am I actually enjoying this treatment?" And found myself admitting that, despite initial denial, I'm enjoying it. I found myself obeying time and time again while mumbling about how I hated it but I can't bring myself to stop. My heart beats with anger and hatred but I'm powerless. To make it kind of dramatic- like Hollywood dramatic, let's say that "I gave in because I don't want to hurt anyone. Blablabla, greater good."

Hehe.

Weird, right?

Anyway, there's not much to talk about because when I'm on vacation things are usually very... stagnant. There's not much to do or tell. The vacation days feel very static, very bland. Boring, you might say.

Thursday, December. 25/12/2014 00:50

I fell asleep. Wow.

Anyway, Merry Christmas, boys and girls!

Hm, I wish I can say better things but I'm dead tired.

You know, I could have lied and write 00:00 up there but I stayed up and eventually missed the passing of dates.

If you question whether if I really stayed up or if I lied about it, either way I said Merry Christmas.

I'll sleep now. Bye.

Thursday, December. 30/12/2014 17:08

My grandfather from my father's side has died. Now dad's getting ready to go to Jogja. I have just arrived home from swimming and I was getting ready to take a bath when suddenly dad arrived at the front door.

I greeted him and he said to me, his father has died. Only moments later, mom just called my phone to tell me the same thing.

Dad's going to try and get an airplane ticket now. If he can't get it today he's going to try again tomorrow.

Wednesday, December. 31/12/2014 10:57

My grandfather died yesterday and this morning when I woke up I feel like I'm in Jogja, in my grandparent's house. The atmosphere is just different. Mom decided to take a break and stayed at home. I'm in the hospital now for my brother's skin check or something. I don't care.

I wanted to stay at home today actually, but I have to act like I feel sad and follow whatever mom said. So here I am at the hospital, attending something that I don't care about.

I didn't have plans for this vacation but last week I fired up my PS2 and played some Kingdom Hearts II (Shame its not the Final Mix+ version...) and tested Final Fantasy XII (The International version.) and challenged myself in New Game to see how far I can progress through the story in my last 5 days of vacation, not including Sunday, though.

But things isn't really going as smooth as I expected. 3 days have passed and maybe I went through 10% of FFXII story, but I know for sure I went through 60% of KHII story.

So, yeah.

Thursday, January. 01/01/2015 18:01

Happy new year, everyone. Wish you a good year.

Yeah, its lame. I'm not good at things like this. I'll never get better at making greetings. Hehe, whatever. Anyway, I think I'm gonna end this here. I've a lot of stuff that's been going in my mind and I'm gonna post them after this one.

The next post is going to be without any time marker because it an accumulation of multiple subjects, both recent and old.

So, yeah.

See you later. - Aex

OD 26: Backfired

Thursday, November. 13/11/2014 10:00

I thought I got it all figured out. I thought I could get away with anything by lying, but that isn't the case.

It all started long ago, way before exams week on September. As usual Adit, Naufal and Izmy talks about gadget and money, and I somehow got baited into joining their conversation. While they all talk away, I seriously felt so attacked and inferior due to not having anything in common with them, and if I do, it is outdated. My phone, for example.

So I made a big talk, saying I would buy a PS Vita and dad would help with the money if I score at least the third highest on mid semester exam, and I did scored the third highest, with Izmy sitting in the number one place. With that out of the way I got asked when I will buy it and I said before the beginning of the second semester.

The problem is, I never said any of this to my dad. I got myself stuck in this big pile of shit. This Vita problem got carried away until now. With tryout week just around the corner and end semester exam on the first of December, I got so stressed out.

Only recently, Naufal said he's going to buy a Vita on the 20th of November, next week, and Adit began to aggressively boast that he'll be buying it too, soon. He started to talk about anything and everything related to it. The handheld, the games, accessories, anything. I don't know what to do, or rather, say. I feel offended.

Since the day I said I would buy it, I started saving up money. I had this absurd feeling of having to prove what I said to them. But as time went on that feeling faded, along with my passion to write these entries, write fictions, and draw stuff. I feel so messed up inside for taking that bait.

I've never felt so conflicted.

I started running away. Trying not to think about it. I thought about what to do with the money I saved up. To spend it on something other than a Vita. I browsed online for tablets so I could draw better, but then its all about the money all over again. About consumptive lifestyle. "I want to have more." But for what?

A few weeks ago my brother started talking about wanting a motorcycle. Its kind of like my problem. Most of his friends got motorcycles, most of my friends got up to date gadgets. With new stuff comes a whole lot of adaptation. Adaptation isn't something I'm good at, either.

Sunday, November. 16/11/2014 21:00

Tomorrow is the first day of tryout exams. I'll be doing exams from the department of education (or as I like to call it, student enslavers) for 3 days. And before the first day began I've already embarrassed myself by asking what materials to study while its obviously all of them. From the 10th grade all the way to the 12th.

Let's just talk. About anything.

I can't take it. I admit that I can't take it. I admit that I've surrendered before the fight even began. With little time I have left I drowned myself in my imagination, in how things should've turned out, which is in my favor.

Accompanied by a music track put on repeat, I've been listening to this tune for maybe 3 days. This is tune speaks to me. Daydreaming Again (Words Drowned by Fireworks) by Pot Hocket. It, to a certain degree, separated me from the world around me, covering my sense of hearing and giving me a peaceful moment and more focus.

You know, I pictured myself as a bipolar person but I don't know if that's true or not. I don't even understand what it is other than having 2 personalities. I'm delusional. Do you know what I've been doing in most of my free time as of late? I've been daydreaming. I'm not really that smart, I just thought I do. As with my gaming skills, and all the other stuff that don't actually matter.

The first time I met Adit in 10th grade, I view him as a person much like me. Into gaming and stuff. I looked up to him, saw him as some kind of an idol figure. I wanted to be like him. But now I despise him. Its weird how 2 years of time can change you.

Maybe its just me not able to accept that he eventually bested me in every aspect and I cannot fight back. In chatting applications I ended up hiding him from my chat list and timelines and blocked him from my posts. And sometimes I went to his profile and stalk him just to hurt myself, not knowing why I had to do that. I just did.

I have run out of things to talk about with all of you boys and girls. I won't stop writing these entries as they are a part of me, and these are also my lifeline as, in times of confusion and when I'm down or depressed, I came back here to tell you my stories. I just wanted to let all of you boys and girls out there that it's been a pleasure. Talking to all of you gives me freedom, a room to breath.

Friday, November. 21/11/2014 22:56

Its one hour before midnight, and I just got home from the hospital for my mental checkup, or as I like to call it, "konsul." I was supposed to meet the doctor 2 weeks ago but dad forgot about our appointment there. I talked to her about maybe roughly 80% of what I've already written here. Like about how for 3 days I've been working on some exams, all of which I might fail. Especially math, physics, and chemistry. About money problems, such as the Vita. And some other things that I didn't write here because my parents might read them. Especially Dad.

Wednesday, November. 26/11/2014 19:42

Did you know? Yesterday I got trapped in a lift, twice. I was going down to get something to eat, and Detu joined me to the lift. There were only the two of us when the door closed and suddenly the lights flickered and the lift went dark for a very long 1 second. I panicked, I froze there, standing. Detu on the other hand decided to scream for help in that cramped space. His screams pierced my ears. The power went back on and the door opened, we got out of there and I went back to class to check the lights, its still on. I went back to the lift and Detu went in first. This time the power went out completely and we were stuck inside in the darkness. I was shocked and couldn't remember anything afterwards but we got out eventually.

An hour later, Audrey called me. I was going to class from the toilet. Her timing was so precise. As I was just about to open the door, my phone rang. So I took some steps backwards and answered it. It was the weirdest conversation ever, and I ended up chatting her in the group chat behind my teacher's back. She said she can make it to the gathering. What gathering? I thought.

She explained that both Angel and herself are free this Sunday and they wanted to meet up in a big mall nearby. I instantaneously became a nervous wreck in front of my friends. Naufal and Izmy said that I should be myself. But that's not the problem, the problem is only 3 out of 5, including me, are able to go and meet up since its hard to contact Jane and Axel never replied. This resulted in a threesome. Audrey, Angel, and myself. I couldn't talk in front of my friends without stuttering like a kouhai giving a gift to her senpai. Oh god. Anyway, let's get a move on.

This afternoon I chatted Audrey about the schedule of our gathering but it still hasn't been set in stone yet. When I was on my way home, the sky decided to give an early bath by raining quite heavily on me on my way home. What a day. When I got home I immediately changed clothes and went to watch some anime. I watched and watched, but suddenly one of the videos got its audio mixed up and resulted in unsynchronized and terrible voices. I turned my laptop off, tired of it all, and decided to try and sleep instead.

To my surprise, Audrey chatted me. She wanted to talk to me about jovita. How she copied not only Audrey's ideas but many other people in Instagram for her drawings. I was mad, somehow. I almost spilled water on my laptop because I was unconsciously gripping the water bottle so hard when she explained all these stuff. I eventually drew something on my phone to distract myself. I chatted Angel and Audrey that I'm angry and suddenly the chat went silent. Too much?

Sunday, November. 30/11/2014 22:20

Did you know? Yep, our gathering was once again canceled. I was so sad. I was so sad. I had the perfect plan. Well, this plan wasn't actually made by me but by my maid.

One second. We have to call her in a civilized manner which is by name, but I don't know her name and everyone calls her "Si Mbak." The closest equivalent would be either "The Maid" or "The Miss." Mistress means Nyoya, Miss means Nona, Nona can both be translated into a little girl or a young lady. Mbak however is like nona but to a lesser degree. Kind of how like "Duck" can both be translated into an animal name or the crouching movement. Now well call her Simba.

I told her I would attend the gathering this Sunday, today, but I have to find a reason and means of transportation to snuck out of the house. She formulated a plan and said I can go out with her and grandma on Sunday to celebrate grandma's birthday and call a taxi.

This morning, before the sun shined, roughly 03:00, dad would go in his car to a running event where he would run 5-10 kilometres (I forgot) and after that dad would rest amd mom would have to accompany him. It would be the perfect chance.

But on Friday Audrey said she can't. It was a disaster for me. I was crushed. It seemed like the perfect time, too. The end of November. And tomorrow I'll be facing end semester exam for 4 days. Like how the protagonist says "I love you" to his/her love interest before the final showdown. And on Friday I'll meet Doc Ferra again. I guess I'll tell her about 90% of what I've written here. Like last time.

Anyway, I'll be facing 4DayHell once again. Wish mercy on my soul. -Aex

OD 25: Journey

Monday, October. 20/10/2014 07:20

Its been a while since I've written anything. Anyway, just a notice and some talks: I'll be going on a school field trip event. 4 days 3 nights at a hotel at the end of this month, 29th, if I'm not mistaken. I'm a little bit concerned about it.

The first thing is, well, I'll be away from home for 4 days. 4 days out of my comfort zone. Second, I don't know anything about the hotel. Third, there will be 3 people in one hotel room and I don't know who my roommates are gonna be. Fourth, I'm not used to living independently. Fifth, sixth, and so on, and on and on...

As you can see, I don't like this for even one bit. The reasons why I participated are because my grades are plummeting so I had this sense of responsibility, and if I don't participate I'll be fined Rp 1.700.000 (around 140 US dollars) and that alone is close to how much my PSP costs. Basically, I'm forced to join but it made me feel like I'm the one who agreed to join in the first place. Its very evil.

13:40

Yeah so, I don't really remember what happened but I ended up calling Naufal "Oniichan" in a feminine, girly, little sister like manner throughout the day until I went home. It was funny as shit.

14:05

Yeah so, mom went home early to anticipate the traffic because its going to be jammed after the President's arrival or something. So much for finishing some anime series.

Friday, October. 24/10/2014 11:08

I'm good at English but I'm not genius at it so I don't know exactly what this means but I think I have an inferiority complex at drawing. Or anything, for that matter.

One day I met this kid at school and followed his instagram, which is filled with deadspace cosplay stuff and some drawings. He is a sophomore- wait.

I'm just gonna put this here: From what I've seen, education system in other places is like this:
Highschool: freshman, sophomore, junior, senior.
When Indo's highschool is like this: junior, sophomore, senior. ( This is all just how I see it, it might not be entirely true :/ )

This sophomore is better than me at drawing- hell, he's generally better than me at everything. He didn't do anything to me but I feel threatened.

This isn't really the first time this feeling emerges, but the other times I just dismissed this feeling as jealousy of other people's skills. But its getting more and more powerful lately, this jealousy. I feel insecure. This is ridiculous and absurd, so I thought I might write it here to get it off my chest.

Audrey, Jovita, Kiran. Their drawings are good. I like their drawings, but my chest hurts a little every time I saw it. Like, I'm a bad senior. All those people I mentioned are younger than me.

I hate this absurd feeling. The cause of my jealousy is baseless. Why am I threatened? They're not gonna mock me, right? So what's up with this feeling? Man, what a drag.

Except Jovita. Fuck you.

Monday, October. 27/10/2014 12:55

Yeah so, I asked the teacher stuff about the field trip. She said my study group is only with my class (which is only 5 out of 8 person most of the time anyway), and my roommates are from my class as well but she didn't mention any names so its still a mystery.

18:15

That moment when you came across an FB account of a deceased person, and you used to know that person. Elisabeth Dareho's birthday was on the 18th of October. I didn't remember exactly when she died but I know it was when I was still in junior highschool. So its around 3-4 years ago. I was lurking around my FB (which I use only to give likes to and save some pics) when I saw recent activities from my former school friends saying "happy birthday and god bless you" to this person.

I scrolled down and I saw some people posted normal happy birthdays and then someone posted something like this (I'll try to make it short and translate it [Indo: dia pake bahasa alay jadi agak susah :/ ])

"I was shocked when I heard this from [relative], sister
I was planning about visiting you
But god had other plans
Its so sad
I can't chat wall2wall anymore w/ u T_T

Its the best for u
Goodbye, sister
Rest in peace, baby
Jesus loves you, ur in our hearts

Note: mamie, papie, [relative] n [relative] + fams, be strong
Love u all, god bless u"

It hurts to know that back then, I was her classmate and when she died my reaction was just "oh, okay." She was a shy girl, if I recall correctly. People were deeply saddened, but some of my classmates who barely knew her (me included) didn't know how to react. We didn't know- we didn't realize that she has died and we won't be seeing her again in class tomorrow.

For the last few days I was planning about making a fanfic dedicated to her, a spinoff to Players, but I'm afraid I'll slack off on it like I slacked off on Players chapter 2. Like, right now, I'm slacking off. I was thinking about it when I was briefed about the field trip, so I thought it would be like: the main character is going on a field trip, he didn't want to join but the destination reminded him about his childhood friend who had died long ago. Something like that. I hope I can pull this off.

Wednesday, October. 29/10/2014 13:47

This is it. I'm in the bus right now. I'm sitting in the window seat, next to me is Adit, behind me is Naufal, and in front of me is Jogi. The bus driver is blasting dangdut music. I'm so bummed right now. It started to rain outside, this is strange considering it hasn't rained for the past month. Well, its something to add to the feels.

16:26

It started to rain heavily on the highway. Everyone is getting passive, Adit and Naufal is tired. My psp died, my phone's battery is about to die, too. I think I'll stop here for now. I'll start posting when the flow of power is restored.

19:18

We finally stopped at some kind of restaurant. God, this bus ride is a torture. I think I was about to puke but it didn't happen (thank god) and I'm so fucking sleepy but I can't sleep. Man, this is torture.

I managed to charge my phone to maybe 25% battery life. I thought 2 hours of charging is enough get it to 75% but then I remember my dad's power bank's port is kind of broken so sometimes it charges sometimes it doesn't.

I just hope I can sleep. Just that. Sleep. I don't wanna be awake in this bus for the next 10 hours. I should have stayed at home, really.

Thursday, October. 30/10/2014 00:30

I managed to get some sleep! Only one and half an hour though.

04:35

We (the students) just did morning prayer in Masjid Agung Jami Wonosobo and now we're going to Dieng. God, the IPS kids are making such a racket, I almost can't hear my own thoughts. But the sunrise is pretty damn beautiful and I got some good photos of it with my phone. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

07:07

We're in Arjuna Temple. Its warm here, now. A few minutes ago my breath gives out steam. Its that cold, I've never experienced that before. Its so cool, seeing my breath turn to steam.

08:42

I'm in Sikidang Crater or something. God damn it, this place reeks of sulphur. This place smells like dog shit or something.

11:07

I'm now in some kind of restaurant. I accidentally broke a chair by just leaning on it and everyone was staring at me. I was from Telaga Warna but there's no color change in the lake so its not that interesting. (The lake changes color)

I tried to sleep on my way here from Telaga Warna because I only had like, maybe 4 hours of sleep. I'm so bummed right now. Not enough sleep, skipped breakfast and lunch, didn't take a bath this morning. I'm like a hobo.

12:32

After I did dzuhur prayer my shoes broke (sorry, uncle Tom.) and now I'm using slippers(?) (indo: sepatu sendal). The teachers said we'll be going to Parang Tritis beach to clean up trash. Oh dear god.

13:02

We're back in the big bus (we switched vehicles but I forgot to mention). Jogi is in his former place, Adit is now sitting next to Naufal, and I'm sitting next to Kiran. We're heading for Parang Tritis.

18:08

After 3 hours on the road we finally got to Parang Tritis beach. I almost puked a couple of times but it didn't happen. Our duty here was changed to just "observe the sunset" and that means free time. For the last 3 hours Kiran and I has been cracking sexual jokes to pass the time, and we cracked sexual jokes too at the beach. The bad thing is I missed the sunset. The good thing is- well, I don't know. Now I'll be on the road for another 2 hours. Our destination, the hotel.

20:41

We reached the hotel and my roommates are Adit and Naufal. Naufal is already asleep, maybe. Adit is still watching the TV, or more like trying to figure out how to play movies and music from his phone on the TV. And I'm writing this.

21:50

I think Adit and Naufal are asleep and I'm copying Naufal's homework while repaying him with a flower drawing for our field trip assignments (weird school duties). Its almost pitch black if not for my phone screen and my power outlets' small red light. I'm gonna sleep now, maybe. See if I can.

Friday, October. 31/10/2014 08:28

Today we're going to Pindul Cave, I'm not going inside though, I don't wanna get wet because I don't bring that many clothes. Last night I was able to get some decent sleep but I haven't paid my sleep debt yet because I AM VERY SLEEPY god damn it.

When I tried to sleep on the bus, I began to feel neck and back pains due to the bus seat (yeah, let's blame it on that). Kiran is next to me and he's asleep, I think. He almost fell asleep on my shoulder a few times. It was a weird feeling, but it would be kind of sweet if he was a girl, though. Haha.

11:36

Pindul Cave Exploration turned out to be "drifting on a floaty" rather than "walking in complete darkness" and I regret my decision of not joining it. Damn it, if I brought my swimming gear I would've joined in a heartbeat! If only I know...

18:02

This long gap between entries are because I was constantly on the move, and because of that I must recall stuff from memories which is not always true. Anyway, I'll just write whats on my mind right now.

There's this whiny boy who kept on clinging to me. I want to kill this guy. What's your deal? Cutting into my conversations, trying to fix my English when his is shit, blocking my friends, all kinds of shit. Get the fuck away. Fuck you, Yoga.

Saturday, November. 1/11/2014 07:30

Today we're going home. I had a good but shortish sleep because Naufal fell ill in the morning. I had neck pains, back pains, stiff shoulder, and my right knee hurts. Now, I just wanna go home.

Sunday, November. 2/11/2014 12:50

Heya, boys and girl. I am home now. I got home yesterday at almost midnight and slept like a baby for 11 hours and I've just taken a bath. My body is still so stiff and I still have school tomorrow so I'll just take it easy for now. All the pictures I took can be seen in my Instagram (they're all taken with my phone). Anyway, I'll rest now. See you all in the next entry.

-Aex

[Fiction] Cinta Lautan, Lautan Cinta. (Indo)

This is a fiction I made for an Indonesian assignment. "Make a fiction with marine theme."

Its in Indonesian only so if you want to read it in your language, use Google Translate. Caution: I tested GT Indonesia > English, the translation got confused with he, she, him, his, and her. Because some Indonesian words are gender neutral.

Anyway, enjoy!

***

Setiawan tinggal dekat pantai Parai, Bangka, seluruh hidupnya. Dari lahir hingga ulang tahun ke 17 nya, dan seterusnya yang akan datang. Berjalan 15 menit keluar dari rumahnya dan dia akan melewati pantai. Setiap hari melewati rute yang sama menuju sekolahnya. Apa yang dia lihat disana bukanlah pantai yang indah dan asri, melainkan tumpukan sampah di pasir, sesekali terbawa ombak ke laut. Pagi dan siang, pergi dan pulang. Saat dia melihatnya dia hanya mendenguskan nafas dalam kekecewaan.

Setiawan tinggal didalam keluarga tingkat menengah. Hanya sebuah keluarga yang biasa saja, tidak mewah. Ayahnya adalah seorang pemilik toko kecil di pantai Parai. Dulunya, itu bukan hanya sekedar toko, melainkan restoran kecil yang juga menjual suvenir untuk para turis. Namun setelah beberapa tahun, pantai ini sepi pengunjung. Dikarenakan oleh sampah yang dibuang oleh turis dan orang lokal yang menirukan mereka. Dan restoran itu pun kehilangan penghasilan, dan dengannya, pekerjanya mulai berhenti bekerja untuknya. Toko suvenir tersebut hanyalah sebuah bayangan dari kejayaan masa lalu nya. Yang datang hanya penduduk sekitar untuk berbelanja.

Pada suatu sore, ayahnya pulang lebih cepat dari biasanya. Setiawan sedang mengerjakan tugasnya di depan televisi. "Selamat sore." Ucap ayahnya, dan dibalas oleh Setiawan, "Sore, ayah."
"Tugas?" Tanya sang ayah sambil duduk di lantai, bersebelahan dengan Setiawan.
"Iya, tugas bahasa Indonesia. Membuat cerpen dengan tema kelautan." Balasnya, menjelaskan.
"Kau tahu, belakangan ini ayah bingung sekali."
"Kenapa, ayah?" Mereka membuka percakapan sambil menonton televisi. Setiawan menutup buku tulisnya.

"Ayah sering melihat turis lewat sini, sesekali mengunjungi pantai. Tapi hanya untuk membuang sampah. Mereka datang kesini untuk melihat tempat wisata lain dan ini hanya tempat peristirahatan. Kenapa bisa begitu ya?"

"Mungkin mereka kira membuang sampah disini adalah hal yang biasa. Akhirnya malah ditirukan oleh warga sekitar. Tidak ada rasa hormat sama sekali."

"Begitulah, nak." Potong ayahnya, menutup pembicaraan ini. "Ayah mau mandi dulu."
"Oke." Balas Setiawan.
"Sudah mandi, belum?"
"Belum, ayah."
"Mandi donk! Sudah maghrib, wan."
"Hahaha, baiklah."

Pada suatu pagi, ada keributan tidak jelas di dalam kelas. Sepertinya para murid sekelas Setiawan sedang membicarakan sesuatu. Karena Setiawan datang lebih siang daripada teman berkumpulnya, dia tidak menyadari apapun. Saat dia masuk kelas, temannya menyapanya.
"Hey, setan!" Sapa salah satu dari mereka. "Setiawan! Bukan setan." Balasnya kesal. Memang mereka sangat dekat, tapi karena nama Setiawan sulit dibuat menjadi panggilan, mereka asal menyebutnya setan. Jangan ditiru, ya?
"Set, kamu sudah tahu? Dikelas kita akan ada murid baru, lho!"
"Murid perempuan!" Tambah salah satu temannya. "Kalian senang sekali sepertinya, tapi bukankan kalian sudah punya pacar?" Tanya Setiawan bingung.
Salah satu temannya menjelaskan, "Kan kamu, masih lajang." Dengan malu, Setiawan pun menghindari percakapan tersebut. "Ah, sudah, sudah! Yang seperti ini, jangan bahas denganku. Kalian hanya membuatku malu saja."
Tak lama setelahnya, bel sekolah berbunyi dan wali kelas mereka memasuki ruangan. Dengan terburu-buru, para murid duduk di kursi mereka. "Hari ini ada murid pindahan. Dia berasal dari luar kota. Berbaik-baiklah dengannya."
Lalu seorang perempuan memasuki kelas, langkahnya yang anggun bagai menghipnotis Setiawan. Cantik sekali, pikirnya.
"Perkenalkan, namaku Aprilia. Mohon kerjasamanya." Setelah perkenalan tersebut, Aprilia duduk di barisan kedua dari depan. Setiawan hanya bisa melihat badannya yang tertutup oleh rambutnya karena dia duduk jauh di belakang.

Saat jam pulang sekolah telah tiba, Setiawan memberanikan diri untuk berbicara kepada Aprilia yang sedang melewati gerbang sekolah. Setelah berjalan beberapa langkah, Setiawan menyadari bahwa jalan ke rumah mereka melewati rute yang sama.
"Hey," Setiawan mengumpulkan seluruh keberaniannya untuk berbicara kepada Aprilia.
Sadar ada yang memanggilnya, Aprilia menoleh ke belakang. "Hm? Oh, hallo. Kamu siapa ya?"
"Aku Setiawan, kita sekelas."
"Tapi mengapa aku tidak melihatmu?" Tanya Aprilia.
"Aku duduk jauh di belakang." Jelas Setiawan singkat. "Rumahmu lewat sini juga?"
"Ya, depan pantai." Jawab Setiawan.
"Sungguh? Apakah artinya setiap pagi dan siang aku akan melewati rumahmu?"
"Mungkin. Jika kamu lewat, akan aku panggil."
"Untuk apa?"
"Mengobrol tentang sesuatu? Aku tidak tahu."
"Mungkin jika ada tugas sekolah, kita bisa mengerjakannya dengan saling membantu. Bersama." Aprilia memberi sugesti.
"Iya. Kamu kan, baru pindah. Bisa saja kamu ketinggalan materi. Jika ada masalah, tanya saja padaku!" Kata Setiawan bangga.
"Baiklah!" Kata Aprilia setelah tertawa kecil.

Beberapa waktu berlalu dan mereka pun menjadi dekat, seperti sepasang kekasih. Namun sebenarnya mereka hanyalah teman. Setiawan belum mengutarakan perasaannya terhadap Aprilia, bahwa dia menyukainya. Alasan dia tidak melakukannya adalah, terpikir olehnya, mungkin ini hanya perasaan sementara. Kita belum lama kenal. Walaupun kita saling membantu dan pergi ke sekolah bersama, namun yang memiliki rasa ini hanya diriku. Belum tentu dia akan membalasnya. Jadi kusimpan perasaan ini jauh didalam.

Pada suatu akhir minggu, Setiawan melihat keluar dari jendela kamarnya yang menghadap ke pantai untuk merenung. Akankah perasaan ini terbalaskan? Setelah itu dia mengurungkan niatnya untuk tidur siang. Saat menerawang, dia melihat sesosok wanita yang sepertinya dia kenal di pantai. Itu adalah Aprilia. Dia tengah memunguti sampah yang berserakan seraya menikmati angin pantai. Hatinya tergoyah setelah melihatnya, namun dia tidak keluar untuk menanyakannya. Dia khawatir akan malu, sudah lama tinggal disini namun tidak mempunyai kesadaran diri untuk membersihkan pantai.

Suatu hari setelah pulang sekolah, mereka berjalan bersama menuju rumah mereka. Sebelum melewati rumah Setiawan mereka sudah memasuki area depan pantai.
"Wan, tunggu sebentar ya." Kata Aprilia lembut sebelum dia memasuki pantai. Setiawan mendapat sapaan yang layak dan lebih lembut daripada sebutan yang diberikan kawan-kawannya dikelas. Sungguh bahagia Setiawan tiap kali dipanggil oleh Aprilia.
Lalu Setiawan memperhatikan Aprilia membersihkan sampah. Dilihatnya sedikit bagian pantai yang dia bersihkan beberapa hari lalu menjadi kotor lagi. Hal ini membuat hatinya geram. Perbuatan baiknya hilang begitu saja. Setiawan pun mendekati Aprilia dan membantunya membersihkan pantai.
"Eh, Wan, mengapa tiba-tiba kamu membantuku?" Tanya Aprilia bingung.
"Aku tidak ingin melihatmu melakukan ini sendirian. Dan lagipula, aku kagum melihatmu gigih membersihkan tempat ini walaupun hanya sedikit." Setiawan menjelaskan kepada Aprilia sembari sesekali tersenyum melihatnya.
"Ah, terima kasih! Tapi sungguh, ini bukan apa-apa." Balas Aprilia yang tersipu malu.
"Lia, aku penasaran. Yang mendorongmu untuk mulai membersihkan tepi pantai ini, apa sih?"
"Tidak ada alasan spesial. Aku hanya suka kebersihan dan juga pantai. Saat pertama kali diberitahu akan pindah dekat pantai, aku sangat bahagia. Namun saat aku melihat pantai ini, aku menjadi agak sedih. Maka kuputuskan untuk membersihkannya sedikit demi sedikit."
Sebuah alasan yang sederhana namun juga sangat mulia. "Ah, aku mengerti."
"Memang ada apa?" Tanya Aprilia, penasaran atas reaksi Setiawan terhadap jawabannya."
"Jadi begini lho, dari dulu tidak ada yang begitu peduli dengan kebersihan pantai ini. Saat aku masih kecil, pantai ini sangatlah bersih. Namun seiring waktu menjadi kotor karena sampah yang dibuang turis dan warga lokal yang menirukan mereka. Aku sedih melihatnya."
Setelah mendengar cerita tersebut, Aprilia, yang sering dipanggil Lia secara akrab oleh Setiawan, hanya bisa terdiam. Sebenarnya Aprilia juga senang bisa berduaan dengan Setiawan, namun dia belum menyadari perasaannya sendiri.
"Tidak ada yang peduli, hingga hari ini. Namun sejak beberapa minggu lalu, aku memperhatikanmu membersihkan pantai ini seorang diri. Jadi, hari ini aku memutuskan untuk membersihkan pantai ini juga. Ini semua karena kamu juga, Lia." Tambah Setiawan.
Setelah ungkapan tersebut, Aprilia terkejut. "Karena diriku? Apa maksudmu?"
"Aku tidak ingin kamu sedih karena melihat pantai yang kotor ini. Aku akan membersihkan pantai ini untukmu."
"Untuk diriku..?"
"Ya, karena aku suka padamu." Jawab Setiawan dengan tersenyum.
Pernyataan tersebut membuat muka Aprilia memerah seperti tomat. Betapa manisnya wajahmu saat kau tersipu malu! Pikir Setiawan.

Setelah mendengar kata-kata Setiawan, Aprilia tiba-tiba saja berlari keluar dari pantai menuju rumahnya, meninggalkan Setiawan sendiri.
Kenapa dia lari? Apakah aku baru saja mengatakan hal yang aneh? Pasti dia menganggapku aneh... pikirnya.
Sebenarnya Aprilia senang mendengar kata-kata Setiawan, namu dia bingung ingin menjawab dengan apa. Malamnya, mereka berdua mengalami kesusahan tidur. Namun, atas alasan yang berbeda.
Keesokan harinya, Aprilia tidak berbicara sama sekali kepada Setiawan di sekolah. Namun ini tidak menghentikan Setiawan dari kegiatan membersihkan pantai. Saat pulang sekolah, dijalan menuju pantai, Aprilia menghampiri Setiawan dengan tergesa-gesa. "Tunggu!"
Setiawan berhenti dan menoleh sedikit kebelakang dan dilihatnya Aprilia berdiri dengan terengah-engah.
"Ada apa, Lia?"
Setelah mengatur nafasnya, Aprilia memohon maaf kepada Setiawan. "Maaf kemarin aku tiba-tiba berlari. Hari ini juga aku menjauhimu. Maaf sekali!"
"Ah, kenapa? Aku tidak mengerti."
"Aku berlari karena kaget, aku masih memikirkan apa yang kamu katakan kepadaku." Mereka berjalan bersama sambil berbicara.
"Aku takut bertingkah yang aneh-aneh didepan teman-temanku karena masih kaget, jadi aku terpaksa menjauhimu. Tapi aku tidak marah, kok!"
Karena masih ingin memastikan, Setiawan bertanya padanya, "Sungguh? Kamu tidak berpikir diriku aneh?"
"Tidak," Kata Aprilia menggelengkan kepalanya. "Karena aku juga suka denganmu." Tambahnya.
"Aku rasa aku telah menyukaimu sejak lama, namun sepertinya aku tidak menyadari itu hingga kemarin."
Mereka pun akhirnya dapat meluruskan kesalahpahaman mereka dan mereka menjadi sepasang kekasih.

Hari demi hari pantai itu mereka bersihkan bersama. Walaupun tetap dipenuhi sampah lagi dan lagi, mereka tidak keberatan karena mereka menikmati waktu mereka bersama.
Tidak lama kemudian, beberapa warga sekitar mengikuti mereka dalam membersihkan pantai. Saat ayah Setiawan melihatnya, dia mendapat ide untuk mengajak teman-teman sekolah Setiawan untuk mengadakan acara bersih-bersih di pantai tersebut. Setiawan berpikir bahwa itu adalah ide yang bagus, dan mengajak teman sekelasnya untuk membantu.

Hari berubah menjadi minggu, dan minggu berubah menjadi bulan. Hubungan kasih cinta Setiawan dan Aprilia mendalam, seiring kebersihan pantai meningkat. Dan pada akhirnya, pantai tersebut menjadi bersih dan asri.

~Tamat~

OD 24: Tranquility in Hell

Wednesday, September. 17/09/2014 08:05

Welcome to the 3rd day of 4DayHell, motherfuckers!

On the first day, I got punched and kicked and almost got hit by a flying trashcan thrown by an autistic kid. On the second day, I got my ass handed over to me by Physics test. Let's see what happens today!

22:10

I gave up on the Biology test. Whoohoo! Okay. I will now explain the events that have transpired in a chronological order.

So on Monday I had a Math and Citizenship (Indo: pelajaran PKN) test. Starting off with quite the heavy subjects right at the start. Somehow, I finished Math easily. It was a breeze. During the break, I was studying for Citizenship with Adit, Danuard, Izmy, Jogi, and Naufal. There were six of us, studying, while Danuard occasionally interrupts with a low and slow "Hue... Hue... Hue..." with a creepy smile while playing Plants vs Zombies 2 on his iPhone, and Jogi in his own dreamland.

Danuard, or Danu, as I like to call him is a normal kid. He's just very lazy. Even more than me. Jogi, however, is an autist. We were given 2 hours to finish math and the 6 of us finish an hour early so with the addition of 15 minutes break, we had 75 minutes of free time.

In the middle of our studies (read: Adit reading Izmy's notes, Izmy and Naufal debating, and me listening to them) suddenly an autistic kid start bothering us, he's Raihan. (or Reihan, whatever. Stupid little piece of shit.)

Empty, Adit, Naufal
[_____Table_____] Izmy
Jogi, Danu, Me

_________ _________ _________ Trashcan
[Spare] [Seats]
Fucking Reihan _________ _________ Lift

First Reihan poked Jogi out of his dreamland, then poked Danu. By that time, we realized his presence. He wasn't there before suddenly appearing. We were all looking at him, identifying him, when suddenly he punched my back instead of poking me.

I punched him back in the face and then he got up to punch and kick me repeatedly. I didn't fight back because there are teachers coming. When a guy came through the lift, Reihan went and threw a trashcan at me. Luckily, he missed.

If it wasn't for my classmates and the teachers, I might've lost control. Man, what a day.

You know, ever since I wrote about how much hatred I had for Adit and my brother, things got better. I don't know what's going on, but I'll just act like I know nothing and its a natural thing.

Thursday, September. 18/09/2014 14:48

I got told my Citizenship, Math, and Biology test scores are safe. So 3 out of 7 safe. And I got my ass kicked by Chemistry.

I'm counting on my English and Indo scores to get me out of this mess. With at least 5 out of 7 exams passed, my burden wouldn't be so heavy.

Sunday, September. 21/09/2014 08:04

Status report!

I passed 4 out of 7: Biology (yay!), Math (yay!), English, and Citizenship. And I passed Citizenship with a perfect. I got 100. Wow.

I didn't pass Physics, Chemistry, and Indonesian. I failed at my own language. That is sad. Really. That is very sad.

On Friday, we (me, Adit, Naufal, Izmy, and Jogi) had a Physics review by ourselves, with Izmy as the teacher. And since that moment I started to wonder how Izmy looks without her jilbab.

19:53

A few days ago I was added to my class' group chat. I'm not really a fan of this but I thought it might be useful so I accepted.

But truly, ignorance is bliss. We just discussed about reviews and remedials. Apparently, Naufal and Adit aren't gonna be at school tomorrow.

I don't know why, but I feel lonely now. Usually I wait for no one, since I don't know who's coming anyway. I don't really care who came or not. But now since I know what's gonna happen beforehand, I know what to expect and I don't like it. I don't understand this either.

Tuesday, September. 23/09/2014 11:16

Yeah, so, I had my remedials. Finished Physics and Indonesian. Gave up on Chemistry.

Test weeks. Those times of the year are the ones I truly hate the most.

And, yeah. So what if I fail again? Well, I don't really care anymore. I ran out of fucks to give on these kinds of things.

Chemistry is not for me. I suck at it, big time. My true weakness.

My dad's gonna be pissed when the results are posted (Indo: hari bagi rapot) and later that day I would just say "yea... yea... I'm sorry to disappoint... should've studied harder... blablabla..."

Its no use, really. Its no use trying if he won't listen. Its no use trying if he won't try to understand.

Its no use trying if he chose to ignore the fact that the challenges I faced are different from his generation.
Its no use trying if he stubbornly thinks that what I want is the same as his when the fact is it isn't, and when I fail he'll call me lazy for not achieving his expectations.
Its no use trying if he thinks he's better at everything I do now when he was my age.

Its no use and I don't care.

I know mom will try to support me. She'll try to stay by my side to comfort me. But even after that, there's nothing she could do. She can't change the stuff that's happened. We cannot win. I cannot win.

This new "not giving the slightest flying fuck" attitude is something that I've been developing recently.

This attitude might get me killed, but I don't care. At least its better than easily getting angry over trivial things and constantly hurting myself, mentally and physically.

I dump all my hatred here. This serves no purpose other than to help my mind to get clearer. Writing these won't help my academic scores or my everyday life in general.

So my maid (Indo: sori, pembokat) gave me shaved strawberry ice. I hope it helps my mood.

Thursday, September. 25/09/2014 12:51

My brother got sick and stayed at home for 2 days. Seeing him fall asleep on the couch and not playing the computer was really something else. I mean, I'm not strong or fit, but I'm healthy. My brother seems much weaker in terms of disease immunity.

All my life I've never experienced a nosebleed, I've never experienced fainting, I've never experienced lying down in a bed in a hospital. I was never hospitalized, but I do go there if I'm sick and need to take some medicines. I rarely take naps, mostly because I can't. I just can't fall asleep. My brother, however, can sleep in minutes after laying his head.

Sometimes I think he needs my immunity. He needs it more than I do. I barely got anything to do compared to him. He's a busy person and his body doesn't support it, I guess.

He's better now. Still on the sofa with his phone, as usual. But still weak.

20:45

My little piece of heaven, I've finally found it.

Well, actually Audrey gave it to me. She gave me a Kingdom Hearts necklace in exchange for my plain "chain" necklace. I feel kinda guilty for giving her something so plain and simple...

Man! Should've given her something better. I can't get my head over it.

The necklace's pendant (?) is Roxas' emblem or something. I can't remember the meaning of the symbol clearly.

On Tuesday, I sent her some messages about the necklace exchange over a chatting app. In the morning and after school, I asked if she's free or not. And after swimming, I asked her if she's free on Thursday. I thought she was busy because she's not answering.

I said Thursday because my brother haven't been swimming for the longest time because his Tuesdays schedule is packed and tiring for him and he said he wanted to swim on Thursdays instead of Tuesdays. So starting this week, I'll go swimming twice a week.

About those messages, she didn't even read any of it, and I thought that was really something else. Because there was no reply, I went to Dillon's house as usual. When I got home from Dillon's, Audrey chatted me. I was just finished taking a bath. She said she's always busy on Tuesdays but she's free on Thursdays.

When I was walking towards Audrey's house this evening, to be honest, I have forgotten which one her house was. I only remembered the direction. If she didn't call my name (and startling me while she's at it) from her balcony, I wouldn't have stopped walking. I sat near her front door, drinking some water, waiting for her to come down.

She gave me the necklace and I gave her mine as she asked me whether if I knew some people from her school, the people we talked about when she reminded me of the day I dropped out via the chatting app. Her voice is slightly heavier than what I remember, but that was over a year ago so I wouldn't really remember anyway, or maybe its because I (creepily) imagined her voice to be anime-like, which is very light and high pitched. I am such a creep.

I told her I don't recognize any of the name she mentioned. I wish I knew more, but what can I say? I haven't heard anything related to my old school for the last two and a half years!

I sat near her front door facing the sun and held up the pendant towards it. On its surface I could see a small reflection of her face as she stands behind me. The pendant's reflection was such a beautiful sight. She was such a beautiful person.

She tied her hair. The last time we met, she didn't. I kind of expecting to see her like that again. Yes, I'm a fan of long hair.

Soon after, I said farewell and walked away. The distance from Audrey's house to the pool is twice as far as from the pool to Dillon's. And I walked from her house to the pool then his house, effectively tripling the walking distance. When I reached Dillon's I was hella tired and my left foot felt like it stepped on a landmine but its all worth it.

At Dillon's I borrowed his pliers to cannibalize the necklace Audrey gave me with my own. The original chain's length is just over half of mine. It couldn't fit my neck. I borrowed the pliers after I hurt my fingers after almost snapping my Timezone card in half trying to bend the tiny iron ring with it. Dillon only looked at me in confusion, haha.

It was a short meeting, only 5 minutes with her. The longest and the shortest 5 minutes ever. The longest while waiting and talking, the shortest after I left. I wanted to stay longer, but I'm to shy oh god.

If only you boys and girls could see my face writing the previous sentence. Smiling like an idiot.

My phone died when I was about to leave Dillon's place, so I stayed a bit longer in his house. Before it died, I saw Audrey's tweet about her making tea. Man, I should've stayed.

I hope this necklace will give me some comfort in the middle of this chaos.

22:38

Thank you, Google. This is Roxas, his Emblem (note1: more commonly known as Roxas' zipper pull. note2: you gotta search for in manually in the page. sorry. :/), and a picture of it taken from my Instagram.

Saturday, September. 27/09/2014 22:16

I got told that the exam results are gonna be posted on the 4th of October, so I still have a week of dread ahead of me.

My social life has been so quiet since the exam, aside from the meeting with Audrey. The AriaFams group chat and IPAClass group chat have been so dead.

I really don't know what to do these days. I just play videogames all day. I rarely draw stuff and write fictions anymore. I've lost my passion. I felt so lonely. Uncertainty is the worst thing ever.

Tuesday, September. 30/09/2014 14:21

I just got home. Guys, I am exhausted. Today was a pretty normal and peaceful day, so there's nothing to talk about. Huh...

Yesterday, IPAclass and IPSclass are joined for the whole day. I can't stand the people from the other class. So noisy.

These people, man, I swear. They "have to say something," instead of "having something to say." They don't care about what they say, they just have to speak. Talk about anything, as long as its noisy, and "fun." What a weird meaning for "fun."

I thought, "I can't deal with them for even one day, what about the 'non-idiotic' kids from their own class? They have to meet them everyday."

There's this one guy from the other class, his name is Fadil. Before I met him in school, I actually saw him in Dillon's house. I was in 9th grade (I'm in 12th now). I was playing Call of Duty with Dillon when suddenly Dillon heard the front door bell and went down. (His room is in the second floor.) I heard footsteps, but they sounded like there's many people. I went out and met Fadil, along with Dillon's other friends.

He thought I was Dillon's elder brother and went to shake my hand in formality, but before he did I said I'm not his brother. We continued to play CoD, you pass the joystick to the other guys if you die.

A year later, Fadil entered the homeschooling community but not as a student yet, I think his parents were surveying the school. It was Friday. I was outside of class, just got back from the toilet. A teacher introduced me to him, we didn't know each other until he actually joined as a student. "Weren't you Dillon's friend?" He asked, and we've been friends ever since.

Life can be funny, sometimes.

18:38

Today is the last day of September, and that marks the end of this entry.

I'm going to be busy dealing with Chemistry, Physics, and Mathematics. So expect more posts. Or maybe not.

See you all later.

- Aex