Wednesday, September. 17/09/2014 08:05
Welcome to the 3rd day of 4DayHell, motherfuckers!
On the first day, I got punched and kicked and almost got hit by a flying trashcan thrown by an autistic kid. On the second day, I got my ass handed over to me by Physics test. Let's see what happens today!
22:10
I gave up on the Biology test. Whoohoo! Okay. I will now explain the events that have transpired in a chronological order.
So on Monday I had a Math and Citizenship (Indo: pelajaran PKN) test. Starting off with quite the heavy subjects right at the start. Somehow, I finished Math easily. It was a breeze. During the break, I was studying for Citizenship with Adit, Danuard, Izmy, Jogi, and Naufal. There were six of us, studying, while Danuard occasionally interrupts with a low and slow "Hue... Hue... Hue..." with a creepy smile while playing Plants vs Zombies 2 on his iPhone, and Jogi in his own dreamland.
Danuard, or Danu, as I like to call him is a normal kid. He's just very lazy. Even more than me. Jogi, however, is an autist. We were given 2 hours to finish math and the 6 of us finish an hour early so with the addition of 15 minutes break, we had 75 minutes of free time.
In the middle of our studies (read: Adit reading Izmy's notes, Izmy and Naufal debating, and me listening to them) suddenly an autistic kid start bothering us, he's Raihan. (or Reihan, whatever. Stupid little piece of shit.)
Empty, Adit, Naufal
[_____Table_____] Izmy
Jogi, Danu, Me
_________ _________ _________ Trashcan
[Spare] [Seats]
Fucking Reihan _________ _________ Lift
First Reihan poked Jogi out of his dreamland, then poked Danu. By that time, we realized his presence. He wasn't there before suddenly appearing. We were all looking at him, identifying him, when suddenly he punched my back instead of poking me.
I punched him back in the face and then he got up to punch and kick me repeatedly. I didn't fight back because there are teachers coming. When a guy came through the lift, Reihan went and threw a trashcan at me. Luckily, he missed.
If it wasn't for my classmates and the teachers, I might've lost control. Man, what a day.
You know, ever since I wrote about how much hatred I had for Adit and my brother, things got better. I don't know what's going on, but I'll just act like I know nothing and its a natural thing.
Thursday, September. 18/09/2014 14:48
I got told my Citizenship, Math, and Biology test scores are safe. So 3 out of 7 safe. And I got my ass kicked by Chemistry.
I'm counting on my English and Indo scores to get me out of this mess. With at least 5 out of 7 exams passed, my burden wouldn't be so heavy.
Sunday, September. 21/09/2014 08:04
Status report!
I passed 4 out of 7: Biology (yay!), Math (yay!), English, and Citizenship. And I passed Citizenship with a perfect. I got 100. Wow.
I didn't pass Physics, Chemistry, and Indonesian. I failed at my own language. That is sad. Really. That is very sad.
On Friday, we (me, Adit, Naufal, Izmy, and Jogi) had a Physics review by ourselves, with Izmy as the teacher. And since that moment I started to wonder how Izmy looks without her jilbab.
19:53
A few days ago I was added to my class' group chat. I'm not really a fan of this but I thought it might be useful so I accepted.
But truly, ignorance is bliss. We just discussed about reviews and remedials. Apparently, Naufal and Adit aren't gonna be at school tomorrow.
I don't know why, but I feel lonely now. Usually I wait for no one, since I don't know who's coming anyway. I don't really care who came or not. But now since I know what's gonna happen beforehand, I know what to expect and I don't like it. I don't understand this either.
Tuesday, September. 23/09/2014 11:16
Yeah, so, I had my remedials. Finished Physics and Indonesian. Gave up on Chemistry.
Test weeks. Those times of the year are the ones I truly hate the most.
And, yeah. So what if I fail again? Well, I don't really care anymore. I ran out of fucks to give on these kinds of things.
Chemistry is not for me. I suck at it, big time. My true weakness.
My dad's gonna be pissed when the results are posted (Indo: hari bagi rapot) and later that day I would just say "yea... yea... I'm sorry to disappoint... should've studied harder... blablabla..."
Its no use, really. Its no use trying if he won't listen. Its no use trying if he won't try to understand.
Its no use trying if he chose to ignore the fact that the challenges I faced are different from his generation.
Its no use trying if he stubbornly thinks that what I want is the same as his when the fact is it isn't, and when I fail he'll call me lazy for not achieving his expectations.
Its no use trying if he thinks he's better at everything I do now when he was my age.
Its no use and I don't care.
I know mom will try to support me. She'll try to stay by my side to comfort me. But even after that, there's nothing she could do. She can't change the stuff that's happened. We cannot win. I cannot win.
This new "not giving the slightest flying fuck" attitude is something that I've been developing recently.
This attitude might get me killed, but I don't care. At least its better than easily getting angry over trivial things and constantly hurting myself, mentally and physically.
I dump all my hatred here. This serves no purpose other than to help my mind to get clearer. Writing these won't help my academic scores or my everyday life in general.
So my maid (Indo: sori, pembokat) gave me shaved strawberry ice. I hope it helps my mood.
Thursday, September. 25/09/2014 12:51
My brother got sick and stayed at home for 2 days. Seeing him fall asleep on the couch and not playing the computer was really something else. I mean, I'm not strong or fit, but I'm healthy. My brother seems much weaker in terms of disease immunity.
All my life I've never experienced a nosebleed, I've never experienced fainting, I've never experienced lying down in a bed in a hospital. I was never hospitalized, but I do go there if I'm sick and need to take some medicines. I rarely take naps, mostly because I can't. I just can't fall asleep. My brother, however, can sleep in minutes after laying his head.
Sometimes I think he needs my immunity. He needs it more than I do. I barely got anything to do compared to him. He's a busy person and his body doesn't support it, I guess.
He's better now. Still on the sofa with his phone, as usual. But still weak.
20:45
My little piece of heaven, I've finally found it.
Well, actually Audrey gave it to me. She gave me a Kingdom Hearts necklace in exchange for my plain "chain" necklace. I feel kinda guilty for giving her something so plain and simple...
Man! Should've given her something better. I can't get my head over it.
The necklace's pendant (?) is Roxas' emblem or something. I can't remember the meaning of the symbol clearly.
On Tuesday, I sent her some messages about the necklace exchange over a chatting app. In the morning and after school, I asked if she's free or not. And after swimming, I asked her if she's free on Thursday. I thought she was busy because she's not answering.
I said Thursday because my brother haven't been swimming for the longest time because his Tuesdays schedule is packed and tiring for him and he said he wanted to swim on Thursdays instead of Tuesdays. So starting this week, I'll go swimming twice a week.
About those messages, she didn't even read any of it, and I thought that was really something else. Because there was no reply, I went to Dillon's house as usual. When I got home from Dillon's, Audrey chatted me. I was just finished taking a bath. She said she's always busy on Tuesdays but she's free on Thursdays.
When I was walking towards Audrey's house this evening, to be honest, I have forgotten which one her house was. I only remembered the direction. If she didn't call my name (and startling me while she's at it) from her balcony, I wouldn't have stopped walking. I sat near her front door, drinking some water, waiting for her to come down.
She gave me the necklace and I gave her mine as she asked me whether if I knew some people from her school, the people we talked about when she reminded me of the day I dropped out via the chatting app. Her voice is slightly heavier than what I remember, but that was over a year ago so I wouldn't really remember anyway, or maybe its because I (creepily) imagined her voice to be anime-like, which is very light and high pitched. I am such a creep.
I told her I don't recognize any of the name she mentioned. I wish I knew more, but what can I say? I haven't heard anything related to my old school for the last two and a half years!
I sat near her front door facing the sun and held up the pendant towards it. On its surface I could see a small reflection of her face as she stands behind me. The pendant's reflection was such a beautiful sight. She was such a beautiful person.
She tied her hair. The last time we met, she didn't. I kind of expecting to see her like that again. Yes, I'm a fan of long hair.
Soon after, I said farewell and walked away. The distance from Audrey's house to the pool is twice as far as from the pool to Dillon's. And I walked from her house to the pool then his house, effectively tripling the walking distance. When I reached Dillon's I was hella tired and my left foot felt like it stepped on a landmine but its all worth it.
At Dillon's I borrowed his pliers to cannibalize the necklace Audrey gave me with my own. The original chain's length is just over half of mine. It couldn't fit my neck. I borrowed the pliers after I hurt my fingers after almost snapping my Timezone card in half trying to bend the tiny iron ring with it. Dillon only looked at me in confusion, haha.
It was a short meeting, only 5 minutes with her. The longest and the shortest 5 minutes ever. The longest while waiting and talking, the shortest after I left. I wanted to stay longer, but I'm to shy oh god.
If only you boys and girls could see my face writing the previous sentence. Smiling like an idiot.
My phone died when I was about to leave Dillon's place, so I stayed a bit longer in his house. Before it died, I saw Audrey's tweet about her making tea. Man, I should've stayed.
I hope this necklace will give me some comfort in the middle of this chaos.
22:38
Thank you, Google. This is Roxas, his Emblem (note1: more commonly known as Roxas' zipper pull. note2: you gotta search for in manually in the page. sorry. :/), and a picture of it taken from my Instagram.
Saturday, September. 27/09/2014 22:16
I got told that the exam results are gonna be posted on the 4th of October, so I still have a week of dread ahead of me.
My social life has been so quiet since the exam, aside from the meeting with Audrey. The AriaFams group chat and IPAClass group chat have been so dead.
I really don't know what to do these days. I just play videogames all day. I rarely draw stuff and write fictions anymore. I've lost my passion. I felt so lonely. Uncertainty is the worst thing ever.
Tuesday, September. 30/09/2014 14:21
I just got home. Guys, I am exhausted. Today was a pretty normal and peaceful day, so there's nothing to talk about. Huh...
Yesterday, IPAclass and IPSclass are joined for the whole day. I can't stand the people from the other class. So noisy.
These people, man, I swear. They "have to say something," instead of "having something to say." They don't care about what they say, they just have to speak. Talk about anything, as long as its noisy, and "fun." What a weird meaning for "fun."
I thought, "I can't deal with them for even one day, what about the 'non-idiotic' kids from their own class? They have to meet them everyday."
There's this one guy from the other class, his name is Fadil. Before I met him in school, I actually saw him in Dillon's house. I was in 9th grade (I'm in 12th now). I was playing Call of Duty with Dillon when suddenly Dillon heard the front door bell and went down. (His room is in the second floor.) I heard footsteps, but they sounded like there's many people. I went out and met Fadil, along with Dillon's other friends.
He thought I was Dillon's elder brother and went to shake my hand in formality, but before he did I said I'm not his brother. We continued to play CoD, you pass the joystick to the other guys if you die.
A year later, Fadil entered the homeschooling community but not as a student yet, I think his parents were surveying the school. It was Friday. I was outside of class, just got back from the toilet. A teacher introduced me to him, we didn't know each other until he actually joined as a student. "Weren't you Dillon's friend?" He asked, and we've been friends ever since.
Life can be funny, sometimes.
18:38
Today is the last day of September, and that marks the end of this entry.
I'm going to be busy dealing with Chemistry, Physics, and Mathematics. So expect more posts. Or maybe not.
See you all later.
- Aex
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