OD 14: Jealousy. Part 2/2. And other stuff too.

Wednesday, February. 26/02/2014. 09:29 pm.

Heya, boys and girls. Now, lets get to writing. The topics are:

♦Done on Friday, February. 21/02/2014.
> Dad flew overseas.
>> Changed into  Dad, I'm Worried.

> Mid terms closing in  and  My jealousy of Adit.
>> Both of the two topics above are combined into one.

♦From Friday, February. 21/02/2014.
> Feeling disconnected from Audrey.
> General insecurity.
> Drawing.
> Video game replays.

♦Added Wednesday, February. 26/02/2014.
> My PSP broke.
> Blog Redesign.

—————

21:40 / 09:40 pm.

My mind is blank right now. Write to ya later.

—————

Thursday, February. 27/02/2014. 08:23 am.

Hey guys.

So, yeah. About those topics above? Can I write about them without going in the same order? I can? Thanks.

•My PSP Broke, •Video Game Replays, and •Blog Redesign

My PSP broke.

That's it.

No, not really.

So, yeah. Its pretty old, my PSP. 3 years old if I remember correctly. Its already pretty banged up before finally becoming like this.

Broken analog stick. Solution? Play games that doesn't use analog stick for movement/ action.

Easier said than done.

Because most games nowadays uses analog stick for movement.

Broken action button? Triangle, X, Square, Circle? Its a game ending malfunction. A career ending injury. Those four buttons are essential for playing games. So, yeah. That's it.

With my PSP broken, I don't know where else I'm able to vent safely. Angry? Smash enemies. Sad? Watch happy cutscenes. It cures my boredom too. But video games should not be played to get rid of boredom, it should be played to be enjoyed.

I was just starting to upload video game replays to my YouTube in a weekly basis but then my PSP broke.

Agh.

Fortunately, I have saved a few videos, actually, a lot of videos before it broke.

Now, with my PSP out of the picture I'm focusing on writing stuff here in my blog. With a lot of free time on my hand I think I should renovate this blog according to my liking.

And, sadly, I don't know how to do just that.

—————

11:42 am.

With nothing to do in my free time when I'm at school, I began drawing.

•Feeling disconnected from Audrey, •General insecurity, and •Drawing

At first I draw stuff, then I began to look for guides. I felt comfortable at first.

I can draw.

But something is still missing. I wanted some constructive criticism. So I asked my bro about my drawing style. He demonstrated his drawing style to me. Do you know how jealous I was? Wow. I don't know what to feel after that. At first I was like "Okay, I need to improve." But then, I can't draw. Can't at all.

I can't draw.

I began to doubt myself and started asking "What is wrong" in my drawings. Suddenly I became worse at it.

He wrecked my confidence in my skills.

I'm not saying its his fault, but I'm not saying he's got nothing to do with this either.

I've been stalking Audrey's Instagram for a while now, I watched her improve her drawings with every post. I thought,

Why can't I improve?

I've trained, bla-bla-bla.

Maybe its just me, y'know. Jealous, insecure, and not confident about my own capabilities.

And now, I realized that somehow I get upset more easily and very tense about every little things around me. Its a mystery even to me.

Y'know, lately Audrey gets less and less active in social medias. It makes me worried. Reading that, I guess most people, knowing my condition, would say,

You got nothing on her, why are you so worried? She's not your girlfriend.

But still... I don't know what's she's doing or whatever. It bugs me. Its like, we've lost contact or something.

Last night, half asleep, I remember thinking about this crazy plan.

"I'm going to visit Audrey's house every Tuesday evening but I won't enter. Just stand outside and stare at the second floor before sitting in her porch for a minute or two. Then go home."

What the f*ck was I thinking?

I don't know either.

—————

21:07 / 09:07 pm.

Heya, boys and girls.

If you're viewing this on desktop and not on mobile, do you notice the snow effect and music player on the top of the page? Pretty nice isn't it? You know who did that? Audrey. She did that.

Very big thanks to Audrey for helping me up with the snow effect and music player (Even though I didn't really do anything except for picking three background musics)!

Yay! \( OuO )/

I love you for doing this for me! ♥w♥)★

Many thanks! ^w^)/

But the snow isn't noticeable because my background is f*cking white. (Ō_Ō"
And I didn't realize it until she pointed that out on Twitter DM, if I remember correctly.
\( Ú __ Ù )/ uhmm.
I'll change the background some time later. Probably tomorrow afternoon. '-')/

Maybe a top to down gradation. White on top, dark blue on the bottom. Yeah, that's nice. ( = w =)7

Oh, I made all those emoticons myself. :3
And by myself I mean with my phone's keyboard, not an Emoticons app. ._.
Although I have one of them in my phone. >_>

I'm so happy right now! XD

Oh, maybe I should tell you boys and girls how it went, because, even though I'm happy about this, I still have to be cautious. Or maybe its just me being paranoid. :/

—————

Friday, February. 28/02/2014. 18:28 / 06:28 pm.

Sorry, I fell asleep. Lets begin, shall we?

It all started when my PSP broke. I thought, look at the bright side of this. And I came to a conclusion that I'll have more free time and I'll procrastinate less.

Hehe.

So I made a plan to redesign my blog. I asked Audrey about adding a music player and adding the snow effect, and she told me about it. But still, I was clueless. Especially the snow effect. I don't understand JavaScript.

How the f*ck am I supposed to make this thing work?

Then, I decided to leave it behind and went to set up the music player. There's a wizard for it, so I thought, yeah, no problem. But it turns out it becames JavaScript codes too.

Oh, for f*ck's sake...

When I stated my frustration on Twitter, Audrey offered some assistance. At first I was confused, help with what? And then I remembered the JavaScript codes so, yeah. I accepted her help. Do you know how happy I was?

*inside laughter* Yeah.

She asked about my email address and the password. Without a doubt, I immediately gave it to her. After several minutes, it hits me.

I really hope she doesn't read my latest draft (this one). Oh my f*cking god.

I trust her. And there's no real reason behind it. I just do. But the point still stands.

Audrey, if you're reading this, did you?

That sounds confusing.

Hmm. What-the f*ck-ever. Past is past.

Ah, and today is the last day of February.

February, thanks for this great month and the sweet memories.

-Aex

Nothing serious but very personal. And a news.

Wednesday, February. 26/02/2014. 21:08 / 09:08 pm.

My PSP broke.

Yeah.

I wanna tell you boys and girls just that.

Its not fatal, but it won't be the same again.

My bro wanted to lend me his PSP but it won't feel the same.

And I was thinking of modifying my blog.

I don't know how though.

Bye.

-Aex.

OD 13: Jealousy. Part 1 of 2.

Wednesday, February. 12/02/2014. 21:17 / 10:17 pm.

Hey there, boys and girls. A little info: mom started reading my blog.

Hi mom.

And she requested: "please use less swear words."

Kay, mom. Noted.

I feel ridiculous right now.

C'mon, self! Get it together!

Okay, geez. Fine.

Tuesday, February. 18/02/2014. 08:37 am.

Hello, boys and girls. Okay, so, a lot of things happened but I couldn't remember them all. I had planned to write all the interesting stuff but I forgot about them. And because I'm just lazy.

Hehe.

One major thing that I was able to remember is Valentine.

F*cking Valentine, man.

I cencored the swear words, mom. Don't worry.

With everyone on Twitter talking about it and Facebook pages sharing Valentine related pics and stuff, it really f*cked my mind. The funny thing is, days or maybe even weeks before Valentine happened, people was already crazy about it. But on the Valentine's day itself, things were pretty normal and no one talked about it. What the hell, people. I, for one, personally hate public display of affection. Why? Imagine. Do other people really need to know that you love that significant other of yours? Think about it.

Its okay to show affection for your loved ones. Its okay to inform your relatives about it too. But, for example, kissing your loved ones in public, say, a mall, so strangers know about it? Or, in other words, making a scene? Now you're just fishing for attention.

Honestly, I've ran out of things to say, or write. Whatever. I'll just comment and start giving opinions about what happened. No holding back.

Thursday, February. 20/02/2014. 22:22 / 10:22 pm.

Okay, so here's the thing:
> I wanted to comment on stuff.
> Most of the stuff I wanted to comment on was already captured in a screenshot format.
> I tried to post pictures here with my phone but it f*cked up the post entirely.
> I can add pictures, no problem whatsoever, but the placement and stuff cannot be edited or something like that.
> Some of the stuff I wanted to comment on are actually pretty personal, for me anyway. And stupid, in general.

So I decided to do it later when I have the chance to use my laptop.

Laptop.

I'm not a very good keyboard typer. I'm slow, mess up a lot, bla-bla-f*cking-bla. I use my phone because I'm used to typing on my phone rather than a keyboard. And it has autocorrect and spell checker. Which I can customize according to my needs.

But, hey! That's not why we're here!? I mean, what the hell, right?

I wanna talk about something.

So, my bro got a new desktop. It arrived in a few cardboard boxes a few days ago. I totally forgot when though. He was so happy. The look on his face at that time? Now that's something I haven't seen in a long time. To be honest, I was jealous. But after the following events after the boxes came, I thought:

I already got a laptop. Why the fuck am I jealous for? I should be happy. But still... whatever.

And the events?

After the boxes came, mom said that we should assemble it immediately to test it out. Whether it works perfectly or there's some errors, bla-bla-bla. Bro stated that we should do it later with dad. I forgot what happened next but I do remember the fact that something did happened. My bro said that mom was just panicking. He knew mom was gonna use the new desktop for her office work, and he got mad because of it.

Mom was obviously excited because of the new desktop, and she was obviously overreacting because she was visibly panicking. She wanted to check for errors and stuff, maybe afraid some of the parts are going to arrive late, you get the idea.

That night? You can definitely feel the pressure in the air.

Mom was panicking. My bro was mad. And dad was obviously fully stressed out because of the "going abroad to visit sister" plan.

And so I thought:

Maybe nothing is going to change after all. Same old thing. The new desktop is not assembled yet, lets see when it does.

Until this second (20/02/2014. 22:55 / 10:55 pm), the new desktop is still lying unassembled.

Now that's one topic that I wanted to comment and vent about. There's another non-screenshot topic. Well, its not just one topic. Actually, there's a lot of things. Many topic to go and write about. I'll go try and explain them one at a time. Now, I'll just sleep.

Good night, boys and girls.

Friday, February. 21/02/2014. 09:21 am.

Heya, boys and girls. Now, lets get to writing. The topics are:
> Dad flew overseas.
> Mid terms closing in.
> My jealousy of Adit.
> Feeling disconnected from Audrey.
> General insecurity.
> Drawing.
> Video game replays.

The plan was to talk about them all here, but then it would be too long. So I'll just write about the first 3 and save the others for the next entry. Might as well add new stuff in there in future posts. Y'know, like a sneak peek for the next episode in a tv series.

20:35 / 08:35 pm.

•Dad Flew Overseas
Yeah, actually, by the time I'm writing this, dad is still here. Mom said dad would depart on March 19th, on my bro's birthday. Well, I think its kinda sad. I mean, why pick that date? I'm guessing he wanted to attend my bro's birthday in the morning and flew by the evening. Which is completely fine to me.

To be honest, I can't talk much about this because dad doesn't talk about it much. But I'm somehow worried. With all these stress he could get sick. High blood pressure. Yeah.

I remember having a heart to heart with dad one night after everyone slept. I forgot what it was about but I cried like a baby. I cried on his shoulders. Man, when I feel a tear coming down my eyes, everything just gets back at me. Makes me remember 4th grade.

Dad said- I think its not the right word. Dad pleaded, "Bagas, badan kamu kan besar, babeh mohon, jangan jadikan itu senjata." Which translates to roughly "You have a big body, please, don't use it as a weapon."

Yeah, I was pretty violent back in the days. Violence runs pretty deep within my life's history.

The major events that I can remember:
> I stabbed my classmate's wrist with a pen because of an argument over an eraser. 4th grade. His name is Arifin.
> I stab a student's back 5 times with a scissors as a relief for my emotions because I was bullied. 9th grade, 1st semester. His name is Naufal.

Pretty scary coming from a 16 years old teen like myself? I don't know about you, but if I told me about this, I'd be scared.

Dad's words was etched deep within my subconscious. I don't remember the exact sentence, but I get the idea.

In my perspective, my body is a weapon. Everybody should know that. Every part of the human body can be used as a weapon. Back then, I was quite a fat person so naturally I would hit hard. My fist would shake because of rage but it strikes without hesitation. I couldn't keep it inside. I didn't hold back.

Now? I'm still pretty fat but I'm kinda on the tall side so it doesn't show as much. Dad wanted me to slim down.

Back on topic. What would happen to me when dad isn't around? Sometimes I lost control, but dad is there to listen before I lost it and after I talked to him and let it all out, I feel better. There's no denying it. Sharing helps, but its so hard for me to do in public or even privately, with close relatives, like family.

According to mom, around one and a half year to two years ago, mom and dad arranged that every Monday night I go to the hospital and get to a psychiatrist to control my emotions and stuff. I was given medications too. Something to suppress the dopamine or something in my brain. I watched RoboCop last Saturday on the cinema and according to that movie, dopamine helps the brain to feel emotions, and by taking it away, you'll take away the ability to feel too. The program was stopped around 11 months ago.

After talking to her (yeah, the doctor was a she.), at first I don't feel any different from the way I was back then. But now, only recently I can feel the change. I became softer. To the point that if my past self meets me now, I bet he'll say that I'm so f*cking weak like a crybaby. Yeah, its that bad. Or good. Depends on the person actually.

Mom said the program was stopped because dad's office stopped the funding. Yeah, dad's office funded my medications. Well, not really "funding" like "for research and development" funding but like "for paying the bills" funding. There's not much to talk about left. Dad Flew Overseas changed to Dad, I'm Worried.

Sunday, February. 23/02/2014. 23:40 / 11:40 pm.

Okay, so, something happened. I'll talk about it later. Now, about the list above. I won't be talking about it all like I said I would, but we'll get there.

My bro's new pc is finally assembled. I'll add a pic of it below because f*ck it. I can't edit stuff in here so I figured that I could just add them on the bottom.

And...

•Mid Terms Closing In and •My Jealously of Adit

The teachers said we'll have mid-semester exams on the 10th of March. I had already thought about it.

"That's pretty close, I won't have time to study."
"I'm sure the teachers are gonna go turbo with the study materials."
"I'm sure Adit is gonna ace all the test."
"And Naufal and Izmy too."
"My dignity as a student is at stake."
"I have never been on absent but I have below average scores."

I know I'm lazy, but I study in class. Even if I do it half-assed. I'm learning. The problem is, I couldn't catch up with the materials. Its too fast for me. The teachers, on the other hand, went turbo and just gave me basic stuff and some exercises. After I finished the exercise, I usually just "know" but doesn't "understand" and it really bugs me out. But before I finally "understand" the teachers have already moved on into the next subject.

Now, onto Adit. I've mentioned him before in this blog, but I called him P because of his full name. Aditya Kusuma Putra. First name, middle name, last name. His first and last name is also his nickname. So it doesn't matter what you call him. I'm real f*cking sure he's gonna come out on top in the exam week along with Naufal (a different person, not the one I stabbed.) and Izmy.

Let's talk about it this way. In the early days I either came in first or second because, let's face it, most of the other students are barely trying while some of them are actually putting up a decent fight. I tried my best and I achieved my expectations.

When become second, I'm just below Adit by a small amount. Then, comes Naufal and Izmy. They both rarely come to class but managed to put me to fourth place. To me, its not fair. Izmy in first place, Naufal in second, Adit or Putra in third, and I'm in fourth. What the f*ck!?

Let's talk about the first 2 person briefly. Izmy, she is a religious person. Studies a lot, prays a lot, makes sense if she came in first. Naufal, basically the male version of Izmy but less religious. He studies, not as much as Izmy, but very noticable. He prays too, but less than her. He's into anime and basically he's the go-to guy for asking about anime and almost anything related. Balanced overall, I think second place suits him just fine.

But Adit? He's just unacceptable to me. Too perfect. If he becomes first in the next exam, I'll lose my sh*t and might just rage. He's smart, got a girlfriend, does sports, sociable, and rich. Is he f*cking playing with me!? He's playing the life game in f*cking easy mode, I'll tell you that. And he's going to German when gets out of here. Its like he's playing a game on the second playthrough so he knows all the answers. F*ck, he now rarely goes to class anymore but still managed to ace all the f*cking subjects. He's barely putting any effort but he aced me. To me, that is not f*cking fair. I had to work my ass but he gets the prize without even breaking a sweat.

How is that f*cking fair!?

Why am I second to him!?

I had put more effort into everything than him. I just don't know how to handle this anymore so every school day I thought of:

"Fuck it. No one cares anyway. Its all about him now. No one gets a share of the spot light anymore."

I'm jealous. So f*cking jealous. What am I doing wrong? If he's putting some noticeable effort and puts up a decent fight, I can and I will respect that. But he's basically using cheat codes for this game. Why do I have to work my ass and he doesn't? Is my effort for nothing? Why is my work not as successful as his?

Am I here only for this? No. I aimed higher.

To put it in an example, I'm running and he's using a motorcycle towards the same destination. Is that fair?

I'm almost crying now. Its 00:34 am.

God, I hated him. But for what? Right? He beat me to it and he's gonna do it again so f*ck it. I'm still jealous. But for what? No one cares so f*ck it. I'm working and he's not, and he gets the prize while I go unpayed so f*ck it. I worked, but for what?
F*ck it. F*ck this exam. F*ck him.

Damn him. Damn it all. Damn it all to hell.

I'll continues on the other ones in the next post and I'll post this in the morning.

Peace out. And wish me luck. Even thought it won't have any effect anyway.

-Aex

OD 12: Something about my fucked up imagination.

Saturday, February. 01/02/2014. 23:33 / 11:23 pm.

A month has passed in 2014 and I must say, for me, this year is off to a bad start. Nothing good happened in the first month of 2014, but one thing's for sure is that January 2014 left a large mark in my heart. Its too early to say that 2014 is less eventful than 2013, we just have to give it some time. But 2012 is way more memorable than 2013.

I'm back to writing in my usual style, with unnecessary details and stuff. I've been down lately, but I must move on. Its a new month afterall.

Time has left a big wound in my heart, but Time also healed it, leaving only a scar. I'll live, I'll keep on living until its time to go home.

Living.

Funny word, that. I've been living 16 years in this world, and I still don't have the slightest clue of what to do, my purpose in this world. I'm not the kind of person who likes to look back at the past. But still, sometimes, I look back. I remember, I regret, I laugh. All kinds of stuff happened. I rarely look back, I only do when I feel down or something. Like when I need encouragement or when a déjà vu happened.

Thursday, February. 06/02/2014. 12:46 am.

Fucking hell, man.

Okay.

My mind is almost totally blank right now. I'm supposed to be in chem class but fuck that. I want to kill the teacher so badly. I'm on the 3rd floor, my class is on the 2nd floor.

Fuck man. I want to destroy something.

Thursday, February. 06/02/2014. 23:13 / 11:13 pm.

You know what's been going around in my head? Regret. A lot of stuff happened in such a short time. Maybe even too much. I made an Instagram account, which will eventually be neglected and forgotten, just to stalk on Audrey. I don't know what to say.

I feel weak. Physically and mentally.

My left hand can't function properly. With the exception of my left thumb, every time I move my finger on my left hand, it hurts like hell. And my right hand. My right pinkie finger and ring finger hurts if I try to move it. My left foot hurts if I want to walk. Both of my shoulders are sore as fuck.

And I haven't been able to think straight lately. This is one of the times in which my mind can function properly.

Okay. Look, in between paragraphs, there's a 2 minutes interval. My mind just went totally blank and I forgot what I wanted to say. If there is anything that I can reach within my memory, its would be just my identity, basic knowledge, amd what happened at the last hour of school.

Let's stick with the last hour of school, maybe I'll remember something.

Friday, February. 07/02/2014. 08:35 am.

My phone died last night and I'm having a hard time trying to sleep. But my head is much clearer now.

Yesterday afternoon at the last hour of school, I was tired as fuck, sleepy, and submerged in a sea of anger. I can't think straight. When the teacher came to class, I talked about something to her in anger. I forgot what it was. But then I got so mad I kicked the wall beside her, startling her, then sat down on my seat. She then said "that is inappropriate!" I think she's mad because that's not polite and, me being a student, must respect her and be polite. I just smirked and put on a smug face. Packed my things except my books and looked at her. I thought she will let it pass and start "educating" me, but instead she just stare at me like she's frozen after seeing a ghost. Then I do the "heh." and left class. I went to the 3rd floor to "cool off" and sat down on my usual spot. The place which I'm located right now whilst writing this.

Where I can observe in silence.

After 5 minutes nobody came out to get me. I saw other teachers come and go. Some asked "why are you not in class?" I just answered with a loud voice, in anger, but not screaming, "because I'm lazy and I don't want to!" But then there's no response, they just turned their back towards me and walked away. Then the hall is empty, but a teacher came to me and sat down next to me. Let's call her E. I knew her since the first time I moved to this community. She asked "why are you not in your class? What class are you supposed to be in?" I just answered "chem" and put on my hoodie. I remember stating "what good is knowledge if I'm not gonna use it in the future." She then replied softly, like she always did, "god didn't make everything without a purpose. Even if it doesn't do anything for you, you have to keep on studying. So you can help your children in the future." I didn't give a shit then, but I do now. I'm the only member of the family that chose science(IPA) instead of social(IPS). Both mom and dad chose IPS. No one can help me.

After that short lecture, I said "the more people dictate me, the more I hate them."
"You mean your parents?"
"I meant everyone."
"Everyone?"
"Get away from me. Don't make me hate you."
"The class is cold, I came here so my body would get warmer. Otherwise my stomach will hurt.
"Whatever."

A long silence.

She then went back teaching in her class. My phone died. I can only see outside the window.

Friday, February. 07/02/2014. 21:51 / 10:51 pm.

I just watched the Frozen movie. Its wonderful! Way better than what I had expected. I wanted to talk about the movie, but I suppose you boys and girls already know about it. So, we'll continue the story above. I really don't want to continue, because it was so brutal, sadistic. In my head, anyway. I'm in such a good mood. But I brought it up, so we'll talk about it anyway.

I could only look outside the window. It wasn't dark, but there is no sun. There were no cars, motorcycles, or even people. Around me, I can hear students talking, studying, laughing with their friends in class while I sat alone on the top level of the building, watching unnoticed. I realized that, whenever I became aware of my anger, I'm alone, I left everyone so no one would get hurt. You don't have to be all by yourself to feel alone. I was surrounded by people, yet I did feel like there's noone there. I lost my self awareness and succumbed to anger, but I successfully stop myself from harming others. I can only stand in the hall, looking down on the level below. Looking at the door of my class, an image of where I am supposed to be. Then I sat down in my usual spot and images started to appear in my head. Me, killing the teacher. It loops and loops and loops, but each one is different. For the next half an hour, I was killing her in my head. It started when the first image appear. Then, I can't move. I'm paralyzed, forced to watch my imaginary self slaughtering her in each and every way possible, which in my imagination, everything is possible.

It started out when I throw my book at her, she got up and retaliated, but just after she can focus, I already rushed her. I got up on a chair and jumped, kicking her head in mid-air. She fell, and I landed beside her. She was barely conscious. I procced to grab her head and slam it repeatedly to the floor until her skull cracks.

After a drop of blood is spilt, the whole thing resets, starting the loop again.

I threw my book, she retaliated, I jumped from a chair and smacked her face with my elbow, she drops to the floor, I landed on her. I began to throw punches to her head. Left, right, left, right. Each punch heavier than the last. Gravity is my friend, as it strengthens every punch that landed on her head. As I gained momentum, I need only to drop my fist upon her face, while gravity does the rest. Because I don't need to apply any effort to my attacks, I started focusing on punching speed, and before long, her face was destroyed. When I was about to deliver the final blow, while lifting my hand, a drop of blood, her blood, landed on the floor.

I threw my book towards her face, she retaliated, I ran up to her, punching her face. She was knocked back to the wall. After I landed the punch, there is still some momentum inside me, so I moved my leg forward and lifted my elbow forward. I stomped the ground and forcefully moved my elbow up, hitting her chin, knocking her upward on the wall. I then thrust my elbow to her stomach while she drifts slowly to the ground. After the attack hits, I jumped backwards a little, and and hammered her hear with my fist until she drops to the floor. Then I began stomping her face.

Okay. I should stop now. I'm sure none of you boys and girls are actually interested in my fucked up imagination anyway. And its 22:58, I should sleep.

Sunday, February. 09/02/2014. 23:23 / 11:23 pm.

The end of the first week of February. I got a haircut yesterday, my head looks like a bowling ball now, for fucks sake. Whatever. Having a longer hair wouldn't look good on me anyway.

I don't know how to put it in English properly, but let's say this year is going from medium bad to real bad for me. Still, its just a feeling. I'm pretty sure when I survived through the year and got to 2015 I'll say that this year is a good year and it gave me many lessons. Bla-bla-bla.

Y'know, sometimes I wished whatever that I thought through the day gets automatically written here. Or when I want to take a picture, I'll just capture it with my eyes. Something like that. And when I finally open Blogger, I could just edit them to my liking. What I thought during the day would usually be already forgotten when I finally have the time to write. And it sucks balls.

Oh, my dad is going to America soon, but I don't know when. His younger sister's husband died, and his parents, grandpa and grandma from my father's side, wants to visit her to comfort her or something. I don't know how to put it in English. They want my dad to accompany them, and dad said they're going to be away for a month. Dad's sister lives in America. Dad asked if we, my bro and I, wanted presents or not. I asked for a watch. I forgot what my bro wanted but its definitely not a watch because he already got one. Me, in the other hand, don't have one. Well, I had two watches. One broke when I was on a field trip back when I was still in grade 8, submerged in mud and short circuited. When I got a new one, Its strap got ripped, I forgot why. We never heard about it again after my dad sent it to a shop to get it fixed. All this "going abroad" thing got dad constantly stressed out. I just hope my dad would be okay.

I was just thinking about going back to writing fictions. Filling my free time by writing stories and stuff. The thing is, I lack motivation. I got motivated to write my old fan fictions because I wanted an escape from this world and finally went to live in my imagination. But now is a different situation. I just wanted an alternative from playing video games. Yeah, games are fun and all that, but its not very productive of me and, usually after I play, I don't pay attention to time. I forget to eat and all other stuff like that, which is bad.

Its midnight. I should sleep now because I've been having sleeping troubles and I don't want my day to be cut short for sleeping. Bye for now, boys and girls. I'm gonna publish this in the morning.

-Aex