Wednesday, February. 12/02/2014. 21:17 / 10:17 pm.
Hey there, boys and girls. A little info: mom started reading my blog.
Hi mom.
And she requested: "please use less swear words."
Kay, mom. Noted.
I feel ridiculous right now.
C'mon, self! Get it together!
Okay, geez. Fine.
Tuesday, February. 18/02/2014. 08:37 am.
Hello, boys and girls. Okay, so, a lot of things happened but I couldn't remember them all. I had planned to write all the interesting stuff but I forgot about them. And because I'm just lazy.
Hehe.
One major thing that I was able to remember is Valentine.
F*cking Valentine, man.
I cencored the swear words, mom. Don't worry.
With everyone on Twitter talking about it and Facebook pages sharing Valentine related pics and stuff, it really f*cked my mind. The funny thing is, days or maybe even weeks before Valentine happened, people was already crazy about it. But on the Valentine's day itself, things were pretty normal and no one talked about it. What the hell, people. I, for one, personally hate public display of affection. Why? Imagine. Do other people really need to know that you love that significant other of yours? Think about it.
Its okay to show affection for your loved ones. Its okay to inform your relatives about it too. But, for example, kissing your loved ones in public, say, a mall, so strangers know about it? Or, in other words, making a scene? Now you're just fishing for attention.
Honestly, I've ran out of things to say, or write. Whatever. I'll just comment and start giving opinions about what happened. No holding back.
Thursday, February. 20/02/2014. 22:22 / 10:22 pm.
Okay, so here's the thing:
> I wanted to comment on stuff.
> Most of the stuff I wanted to comment on was already captured in a screenshot format.
> I tried to post pictures here with my phone but it f*cked up the post entirely.
> I can add pictures, no problem whatsoever, but the placement and stuff cannot be edited or something like that.
> Some of the stuff I wanted to comment on are actually pretty personal, for me anyway. And stupid, in general.
So I decided to do it later when I have the chance to use my laptop.
Laptop.
I'm not a very good keyboard typer. I'm slow, mess up a lot, bla-bla-f*cking-bla. I use my phone because I'm used to typing on my phone rather than a keyboard. And it has autocorrect and spell checker. Which I can customize according to my needs.
But, hey! That's not why we're here!? I mean, what the hell, right?
I wanna talk about something.
So, my bro got a new desktop. It arrived in a few cardboard boxes a few days ago. I totally forgot when though. He was so happy. The look on his face at that time? Now that's something I haven't seen in a long time. To be honest, I was jealous. But after the following events after the boxes came, I thought:
I already got a laptop. Why the fuck am I jealous for? I should be happy. But still... whatever.
And the events?
After the boxes came, mom said that we should assemble it immediately to test it out. Whether it works perfectly or there's some errors, bla-bla-bla. Bro stated that we should do it later with dad. I forgot what happened next but I do remember the fact that something did happened. My bro said that mom was just panicking. He knew mom was gonna use the new desktop for her office work, and he got mad because of it.
Mom was obviously excited because of the new desktop, and she was obviously overreacting because she was visibly panicking. She wanted to check for errors and stuff, maybe afraid some of the parts are going to arrive late, you get the idea.
That night? You can definitely feel the pressure in the air.
Mom was panicking. My bro was mad. And dad was obviously fully stressed out because of the "going abroad to visit sister" plan.
And so I thought:
Maybe nothing is going to change after all. Same old thing. The new desktop is not assembled yet, lets see when it does.
Until this second (20/02/2014. 22:55 / 10:55 pm), the new desktop is still lying unassembled.
Now that's one topic that I wanted to comment and vent about. There's another non-screenshot topic. Well, its not just one topic. Actually, there's a lot of things. Many topic to go and write about. I'll go try and explain them one at a time. Now, I'll just sleep.
Good night, boys and girls.
Friday, February. 21/02/2014. 09:21 am.
Heya, boys and girls. Now, lets get to writing. The topics are:
> Dad flew overseas.
> Mid terms closing in.
> My jealousy of Adit.
> Feeling disconnected from Audrey.
> General insecurity.
> Drawing.
> Video game replays.
The plan was to talk about them all here, but then it would be too long. So I'll just write about the first 3 and save the others for the next entry. Might as well add new stuff in there in future posts. Y'know, like a sneak peek for the next episode in a tv series.
20:35 / 08:35 pm.
•Dad Flew Overseas
Yeah, actually, by the time I'm writing this, dad is still here. Mom said dad would depart on March 19th, on my bro's birthday. Well, I think its kinda sad. I mean, why pick that date? I'm guessing he wanted to attend my bro's birthday in the morning and flew by the evening. Which is completely fine to me.
To be honest, I can't talk much about this because dad doesn't talk about it much. But I'm somehow worried. With all these stress he could get sick. High blood pressure. Yeah.
I remember having a heart to heart with dad one night after everyone slept. I forgot what it was about but I cried like a baby. I cried on his shoulders. Man, when I feel a tear coming down my eyes, everything just gets back at me. Makes me remember 4th grade.
Dad said- I think its not the right word. Dad pleaded, "Bagas, badan kamu kan besar, babeh mohon, jangan jadikan itu senjata." Which translates to roughly "You have a big body, please, don't use it as a weapon."
Yeah, I was pretty violent back in the days. Violence runs pretty deep within my life's history.
The major events that I can remember:
> I stabbed my classmate's wrist with a pen because of an argument over an eraser. 4th grade. His name is Arifin.
> I stab a student's back 5 times with a scissors as a relief for my emotions because I was bullied. 9th grade, 1st semester. His name is Naufal.
Pretty scary coming from a 16 years old teen like myself? I don't know about you, but if I told me about this, I'd be scared.
Dad's words was etched deep within my subconscious. I don't remember the exact sentence, but I get the idea.
In my perspective, my body is a weapon. Everybody should know that. Every part of the human body can be used as a weapon. Back then, I was quite a fat person so naturally I would hit hard. My fist would shake because of rage but it strikes without hesitation. I couldn't keep it inside. I didn't hold back.
Now? I'm still pretty fat but I'm kinda on the tall side so it doesn't show as much. Dad wanted me to slim down.
Back on topic. What would happen to me when dad isn't around? Sometimes I lost control, but dad is there to listen before I lost it and after I talked to him and let it all out, I feel better. There's no denying it. Sharing helps, but its so hard for me to do in public or even privately, with close relatives, like family.
According to mom, around one and a half year to two years ago, mom and dad arranged that every Monday night I go to the hospital and get to a psychiatrist to control my emotions and stuff. I was given medications too. Something to suppress the dopamine or something in my brain. I watched RoboCop last Saturday on the cinema and according to that movie, dopamine helps the brain to feel emotions, and by taking it away, you'll take away the ability to feel too. The program was stopped around 11 months ago.
After talking to her (yeah, the doctor was a she.), at first I don't feel any different from the way I was back then. But now, only recently I can feel the change. I became softer. To the point that if my past self meets me now, I bet he'll say that I'm so f*cking weak like a crybaby. Yeah, its that bad. Or good. Depends on the person actually.
Mom said the program was stopped because dad's office stopped the funding. Yeah, dad's office funded my medications. Well, not really "funding" like "for research and development" funding but like "for paying the bills" funding. There's not much to talk about left. Dad Flew Overseas changed to Dad, I'm Worried.
Sunday, February. 23/02/2014. 23:40 / 11:40 pm.
Okay, so, something happened. I'll talk about it later. Now, about the list above. I won't be talking about it all like I said I would, but we'll get there.
My bro's new pc is finally assembled. I'll add a pic of it below because f*ck it. I can't edit stuff in here so I figured that I could just add them on the bottom.
And...
•Mid Terms Closing In and •My Jealously of Adit
The teachers said we'll have mid-semester exams on the 10th of March. I had already thought about it.
"That's pretty close, I won't have time to study."
"I'm sure the teachers are gonna go turbo with the study materials."
"I'm sure Adit is gonna ace all the test."
"And Naufal and Izmy too."
"My dignity as a student is at stake."
"I have never been on absent but I have below average scores."
I know I'm lazy, but I study in class. Even if I do it half-assed. I'm learning. The problem is, I couldn't catch up with the materials. Its too fast for me. The teachers, on the other hand, went turbo and just gave me basic stuff and some exercises. After I finished the exercise, I usually just "know" but doesn't "understand" and it really bugs me out. But before I finally "understand" the teachers have already moved on into the next subject.
Now, onto Adit. I've mentioned him before in this blog, but I called him P because of his full name. Aditya Kusuma Putra. First name, middle name, last name. His first and last name is also his nickname. So it doesn't matter what you call him. I'm real f*cking sure he's gonna come out on top in the exam week along with Naufal (a different person, not the one I stabbed.) and Izmy.
Let's talk about it this way. In the early days I either came in first or second because, let's face it, most of the other students are barely trying while some of them are actually putting up a decent fight. I tried my best and I achieved my expectations.
When become second, I'm just below Adit by a small amount. Then, comes Naufal and Izmy. They both rarely come to class but managed to put me to fourth place. To me, its not fair. Izmy in first place, Naufal in second, Adit or Putra in third, and I'm in fourth. What the f*ck!?
Let's talk about the first 2 person briefly. Izmy, she is a religious person. Studies a lot, prays a lot, makes sense if she came in first. Naufal, basically the male version of Izmy but less religious. He studies, not as much as Izmy, but very noticable. He prays too, but less than her. He's into anime and basically he's the go-to guy for asking about anime and almost anything related. Balanced overall, I think second place suits him just fine.
But Adit? He's just unacceptable to me. Too perfect. If he becomes first in the next exam, I'll lose my sh*t and might just rage. He's smart, got a girlfriend, does sports, sociable, and rich. Is he f*cking playing with me!? He's playing the life game in f*cking easy mode, I'll tell you that. And he's going to German when gets out of here. Its like he's playing a game on the second playthrough so he knows all the answers. F*ck, he now rarely goes to class anymore but still managed to ace all the f*cking subjects. He's barely putting any effort but he aced me. To me, that is not f*cking fair. I had to work my ass but he gets the prize without even breaking a sweat.
How is that f*cking fair!?
Why am I second to him!?
I had put more effort into everything than him. I just don't know how to handle this anymore so every school day I thought of:
"Fuck it. No one cares anyway. Its all about him now. No one gets a share of the spot light anymore."
I'm jealous. So f*cking jealous. What am I doing wrong? If he's putting some noticeable effort and puts up a decent fight, I can and I will respect that. But he's basically using cheat codes for this game. Why do I have to work my ass and he doesn't? Is my effort for nothing? Why is my work not as successful as his?
Am I here only for this? No. I aimed higher.
To put it in an example, I'm running and he's using a motorcycle towards the same destination. Is that fair?
I'm almost crying now. Its 00:34 am.
God, I hated him. But for what? Right? He beat me to it and he's gonna do it again so f*ck it. I'm still jealous. But for what? No one cares so f*ck it. I'm working and he's not, and he gets the prize while I go unpayed so f*ck it. I worked, but for what?
F*ck it. F*ck this exam. F*ck him.
Damn him. Damn it all. Damn it all to hell.
I'll continues on the other ones in the next post and I'll post this in the morning.
Peace out. And wish me luck. Even thought it won't have any effect anyway.
-Aex
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