Saturday, February. 01/02/2014. 23:33 / 11:23 pm.
A month has passed in 2014 and I must say, for me, this year is off to a bad start. Nothing good happened in the first month of 2014, but one thing's for sure is that January 2014 left a large mark in my heart. Its too early to say that 2014 is less eventful than 2013, we just have to give it some time. But 2012 is way more memorable than 2013.
I'm back to writing in my usual style, with unnecessary details and stuff. I've been down lately, but I must move on. Its a new month afterall.
Time has left a big wound in my heart, but Time also healed it, leaving only a scar. I'll live, I'll keep on living until its time to go home.
Living.
Funny word, that. I've been living 16 years in this world, and I still don't have the slightest clue of what to do, my purpose in this world. I'm not the kind of person who likes to look back at the past. But still, sometimes, I look back. I remember, I regret, I laugh. All kinds of stuff happened. I rarely look back, I only do when I feel down or something. Like when I need encouragement or when a déjà vu happened.
Thursday, February. 06/02/2014. 12:46 am.
Fucking hell, man.
Okay.
My mind is almost totally blank right now. I'm supposed to be in chem class but fuck that. I want to kill the teacher so badly. I'm on the 3rd floor, my class is on the 2nd floor.
Fuck man. I want to destroy something.
Thursday, February. 06/02/2014. 23:13 / 11:13 pm.
You know what's been going around in my head? Regret. A lot of stuff happened in such a short time. Maybe even too much. I made an Instagram account, which will eventually be neglected and forgotten, just to stalk on Audrey. I don't know what to say.
I feel weak. Physically and mentally.
My left hand can't function properly. With the exception of my left thumb, every time I move my finger on my left hand, it hurts like hell. And my right hand. My right pinkie finger and ring finger hurts if I try to move it. My left foot hurts if I want to walk. Both of my shoulders are sore as fuck.
And I haven't been able to think straight lately. This is one of the times in which my mind can function properly.
Okay. Look, in between paragraphs, there's a 2 minutes interval. My mind just went totally blank and I forgot what I wanted to say. If there is anything that I can reach within my memory, its would be just my identity, basic knowledge, amd what happened at the last hour of school.
Let's stick with the last hour of school, maybe I'll remember something.
Friday, February. 07/02/2014. 08:35 am.
My phone died last night and I'm having a hard time trying to sleep. But my head is much clearer now.
Yesterday afternoon at the last hour of school, I was tired as fuck, sleepy, and submerged in a sea of anger. I can't think straight. When the teacher came to class, I talked about something to her in anger. I forgot what it was. But then I got so mad I kicked the wall beside her, startling her, then sat down on my seat. She then said "that is inappropriate!" I think she's mad because that's not polite and, me being a student, must respect her and be polite. I just smirked and put on a smug face. Packed my things except my books and looked at her. I thought she will let it pass and start "educating" me, but instead she just stare at me like she's frozen after seeing a ghost. Then I do the "heh." and left class. I went to the 3rd floor to "cool off" and sat down on my usual spot. The place which I'm located right now whilst writing this.
Where I can observe in silence.
After 5 minutes nobody came out to get me. I saw other teachers come and go. Some asked "why are you not in class?" I just answered with a loud voice, in anger, but not screaming, "because I'm lazy and I don't want to!" But then there's no response, they just turned their back towards me and walked away. Then the hall is empty, but a teacher came to me and sat down next to me. Let's call her E. I knew her since the first time I moved to this community. She asked "why are you not in your class? What class are you supposed to be in?" I just answered "chem" and put on my hoodie. I remember stating "what good is knowledge if I'm not gonna use it in the future." She then replied softly, like she always did, "god didn't make everything without a purpose. Even if it doesn't do anything for you, you have to keep on studying. So you can help your children in the future." I didn't give a shit then, but I do now. I'm the only member of the family that chose science(IPA) instead of social(IPS). Both mom and dad chose IPS. No one can help me.
After that short lecture, I said "the more people dictate me, the more I hate them."
"You mean your parents?"
"I meant everyone."
"Everyone?"
"Get away from me. Don't make me hate you."
"The class is cold, I came here so my body would get warmer. Otherwise my stomach will hurt.
"Whatever."
A long silence.
She then went back teaching in her class. My phone died. I can only see outside the window.
Friday, February. 07/02/2014. 21:51 / 10:51 pm.
I just watched the Frozen movie. Its wonderful! Way better than what I had expected. I wanted to talk about the movie, but I suppose you boys and girls already know about it. So, we'll continue the story above. I really don't want to continue, because it was so brutal, sadistic. In my head, anyway. I'm in such a good mood. But I brought it up, so we'll talk about it anyway.
I could only look outside the window. It wasn't dark, but there is no sun. There were no cars, motorcycles, or even people. Around me, I can hear students talking, studying, laughing with their friends in class while I sat alone on the top level of the building, watching unnoticed. I realized that, whenever I became aware of my anger, I'm alone, I left everyone so no one would get hurt. You don't have to be all by yourself to feel alone. I was surrounded by people, yet I did feel like there's noone there. I lost my self awareness and succumbed to anger, but I successfully stop myself from harming others. I can only stand in the hall, looking down on the level below. Looking at the door of my class, an image of where I am supposed to be. Then I sat down in my usual spot and images started to appear in my head. Me, killing the teacher. It loops and loops and loops, but each one is different. For the next half an hour, I was killing her in my head. It started when the first image appear. Then, I can't move. I'm paralyzed, forced to watch my imaginary self slaughtering her in each and every way possible, which in my imagination, everything is possible.
It started out when I throw my book at her, she got up and retaliated, but just after she can focus, I already rushed her. I got up on a chair and jumped, kicking her head in mid-air. She fell, and I landed beside her. She was barely conscious. I procced to grab her head and slam it repeatedly to the floor until her skull cracks.
After a drop of blood is spilt, the whole thing resets, starting the loop again.
I threw my book, she retaliated, I jumped from a chair and smacked her face with my elbow, she drops to the floor, I landed on her. I began to throw punches to her head. Left, right, left, right. Each punch heavier than the last. Gravity is my friend, as it strengthens every punch that landed on her head. As I gained momentum, I need only to drop my fist upon her face, while gravity does the rest. Because I don't need to apply any effort to my attacks, I started focusing on punching speed, and before long, her face was destroyed. When I was about to deliver the final blow, while lifting my hand, a drop of blood, her blood, landed on the floor.
I threw my book towards her face, she retaliated, I ran up to her, punching her face. She was knocked back to the wall. After I landed the punch, there is still some momentum inside me, so I moved my leg forward and lifted my elbow forward. I stomped the ground and forcefully moved my elbow up, hitting her chin, knocking her upward on the wall. I then thrust my elbow to her stomach while she drifts slowly to the ground. After the attack hits, I jumped backwards a little, and and hammered her hear with my fist until she drops to the floor. Then I began stomping her face.
Okay. I should stop now. I'm sure none of you boys and girls are actually interested in my fucked up imagination anyway. And its 22:58, I should sleep.
Sunday, February. 09/02/2014. 23:23 / 11:23 pm.
The end of the first week of February. I got a haircut yesterday, my head looks like a bowling ball now, for fucks sake. Whatever. Having a longer hair wouldn't look good on me anyway.
I don't know how to put it in English properly, but let's say this year is going from medium bad to real bad for me. Still, its just a feeling. I'm pretty sure when I survived through the year and got to 2015 I'll say that this year is a good year and it gave me many lessons. Bla-bla-bla.
Y'know, sometimes I wished whatever that I thought through the day gets automatically written here. Or when I want to take a picture, I'll just capture it with my eyes. Something like that. And when I finally open Blogger, I could just edit them to my liking. What I thought during the day would usually be already forgotten when I finally have the time to write. And it sucks balls.
Oh, my dad is going to America soon, but I don't know when. His younger sister's husband died, and his parents, grandpa and grandma from my father's side, wants to visit her to comfort her or something. I don't know how to put it in English. They want my dad to accompany them, and dad said they're going to be away for a month. Dad's sister lives in America. Dad asked if we, my bro and I, wanted presents or not. I asked for a watch. I forgot what my bro wanted but its definitely not a watch because he already got one. Me, in the other hand, don't have one. Well, I had two watches. One broke when I was on a field trip back when I was still in grade 8, submerged in mud and short circuited. When I got a new one, Its strap got ripped, I forgot why. We never heard about it again after my dad sent it to a shop to get it fixed. All this "going abroad" thing got dad constantly stressed out. I just hope my dad would be okay.
I was just thinking about going back to writing fictions. Filling my free time by writing stories and stuff. The thing is, I lack motivation. I got motivated to write my old fan fictions because I wanted an escape from this world and finally went to live in my imagination. But now is a different situation. I just wanted an alternative from playing video games. Yeah, games are fun and all that, but its not very productive of me and, usually after I play, I don't pay attention to time. I forget to eat and all other stuff like that, which is bad.
Its midnight. I should sleep now because I've been having sleeping troubles and I don't want my day to be cut short for sleeping. Bye for now, boys and girls. I'm gonna publish this in the morning.
-Aex
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