Heart Broken

Saturday, 25th of January. 4 o'clock in the evening.

I won't ask Audrey out. I'm cancelling it.

Fuck this eroe guy. Whoever he is.

So she likes me too. But not the way I had expected.

I'm sick. I caught a cold.

The feeling. My feelings for her is still there. It's faint, but I can feel it. I know it.

Most of them have been stripped away. Smashed. Stomped. Thrown away to hell.

It's not her fault, though. It's mine.

I'm gonna rest.

Today was a beautiful day. The sunniest day in weeks of depressing rain. I would've never thought of spending it like this.

I'm semi-crying right now. I'm not crying, but tears are escaping my eye sockets.

I'm currently translating my chat history with Angel and Jane.

Those pictures below are taken from Audrey's ask(dot)fm page. http://ask.fm/PsychicBlade

See ya around. 

"Stay strong."

This post is published on January 29th, 2014. 21:00 pm. I first made the post on January 24th and started translating since then. This update is made on January 29th, 2014. 23:20 pm.

Translated text of the chat history.

Enjoy.

Melia Elita: Oy

Melia Elita is Jane's mother's name, she's using her phone I guess.

Melia Elita: what do you wanna talk about?
Aexeonn: you mean now? Should we invite Angel?
Melia Elita: up to you
Melia Elita: next year. Of course right now-_-
Aexeonn: just add her. She wants to listen too
Aexeonn: how do you invite people?
Melia Elita: lol okay
Melia Elita: man youre old fashioned

Idk how to put it in English.

Melia Elita: wait
Aexeonn: aww what a bully

Melia Elita is already in the chat
Angela Aprilia joined the chat

Melia Elita: there you go
Angela Aprilia: Test
Angela Aprilia: Okay
Angela Aprilia: lets begin
Melia Elita: cmon aex, start
Aexeonn: Okeh2 straight to bisnis ya
Melia Elita: Hmm
Melia Elita: So ?
Aexeonn: i wanna drop my feeling of Audrey
Aexeonn: BAM
Aexeonn: *explosion*
Melia Elita: huh why ?
Aexeonn: in short: It aint gonna work out
Angela Aprilia: why
Angela Aprilia: tell us why
Angela Aprilia: maybe you took too long
Aexeonn: we're 180
Angela Aprilia: i see Audrey respects you
Melia Elita: Please use bahasa Indo, i dont understand-_-
Aexeonn: Oke >_>
Aexeonn: yea maybe i took too long
Melia Elita: I think Audrey responded
Aexeonn: there!
Melia Elita: tell me the reason
Aexeonn: Ya we're aren't compatible
Aexeonn: i think anyway
Melia Elita: not compatible how
Aexeonn: see this way
Angela Aprilia: Brb eating yaa
Aexeonn: even if we hooked up, we ain't gonna last long
Melia Elita: Okay ngel
Aexeonn: Kk
Melia Elita: why do you think so
Aexeonn: I've been into some deep thinking
Aexeonn: and that's the result of what I think
Aexeonn: Lets say, I hooked up with her
Aexeonn: but after she graduated college, its over
Aexeonn: or after i graduated.
Aexeonn: after that i went to jogja
Aexeonn: afer she graduated she went to purwokerto
Melia Elita: here
Melia Elita: i think your brain thought about it too far
Aexeonn: yeah maybe
Melia Elita: you're still a Junior high schooler that still wants to experience love
Melia Elita: not to marry someone
Melia Elita: why are you giving up?
Melia Elita: it's not intense man
Aexeonn: I'm an 11 grade high schooler
Aexeonn: she's 9th grade junior high schooler
Melia Elita: Ohhh -_- i thought youre at our age
Melia Elita: sorry
Aexeonn: its okay
Angela Aprilia: so you say youre not compatible
Angela Aprilia: Hmm does it has to be compatible? Has to be the same? If so, why would god made all humans different?
Aexeonn: i like younger people :p
Angela Aprilia: my advice
Angela Aprilia: just do it
Aexeonn: we're not even in a relationship yet
Angela Aprilia: if you love each other
Melia Elita: exactly
Melia Elita: don't just give up like this
Angela Aprilia: you both have to commit so you don't lose each other
Angela Aprilia: whatever the obstacles
Angela Aprilia: you both will endure
Angela Aprilia: therefore
Angela Aprilia: Start it
Angela Aprilia: don't be afraid
Aexeonn: Aiiiiiiih
Aexeonn: I'm LOL-ing
Angela Aprilia: you'll be hurt, losing is a risk
Melia Elita: Nah that's it
Aexeonn: *inhale*
Melia Elita: Angel said what I wanna say first
Melia Elita: Huft-_-
Melia Elita: cmon dont give up
Aexeonn: she types so fast
Angela Aprilia: whut -_-
Angela Aprilia: im propheshonul(?)
Melia Elita: you gotta try
Aexeonn: wait, first, let me tell the story from my side.
Melia Elita: have you both ever confessed about your feelings about each other?
Aexeonn: indirectly
Melia Elita: tell us
Aexeonn: I wrote it in my blog.
Aexeonn: wait
Angela Aprilia: you're only brave in your blog
Melia Elita: she write it in her blog too, that she's surprised about your feelings for her
Angela Aprilia: man up(?)
Melia Elita: Nah confess directly like xle *forget it

She means Axel. That's how we mention him, as "xle." Read: cell.

Aexeonn: oh man
Aexeonn: lol
Melia Elita: try being honest first
Aexeonn: you mean?
Melia Elita: just try it, dont give up like this
Aexeonn: Ey, I've know Audrey for a year now but I've seen her face to face only once
Melia Elita: what i mean is dont give up on her, you can propose, and Audrey sometimes gives codes to you too
Aexeonn: we're internet friends
Aexeonn: Ooooh
Melia Elita: So ? Love is from the heart, not from how many times youve seen each other
Aexeonn: i don't understand codes -___-
Aexeonn: agh, backed against the wall
Melia Elita: you gotta be more sensitive
Aexeonn: *is stabbed*
Aexeonn: idk
Melia Elita: I understand if you have a bad feeling. You have, right?
Aexeonn: how about this
Melia Elita: wut?
Aexeonn: maybe next Tuesday i can go to Audrey's house
Melia Elita: Wow cool.
Melia Elita: your house is close to hers?
Aexeonn: such wow huh

Lol
Sorry, I had to do it. There was no direct equivalent in English to the real words.

Aexeonn: nope
Aexeonn: i won't call it close
Melia Elita: cool......
Melia Elita: try asking her out or meeting her again
Melia Elita: don't be aggressive but steady and surely aww
Aexeonn: every Tuesday evening I go out to swim. Maybe I can go on the way home
Aexeonn: OH SHIT
Aexeonn: Aww
Aexeonn: seriously I wanna laugh but I'm afraid mom will get suspicious
Melia Elita: cool .. I support your work 100%
Aexeonn: Thengkyu
Melia Elita: suspicious why?
Melia Elita: well i know its hard if parents are involved
Aexeonn: lol-ing at night, she might think I'm possessed
Aexeonn: that too
Melia Elita: you make an agreement first, don't suddenly come like a ghost
Aexeonn: yeeeeeeeaaaahhhhh
Aexeonn: I'll try
Melia Elita: who's laughing who's confused-_-
Aexeonn: Lol
Aexeonn: XD
Melia Elita: Yesss ive became a gayao doctor
Aexeonn: ching ching ching
Aexeonn: hyat hyat hyat
Aexeonn: boom!
Aexeonn: congrats!
Aexeonn: I made the right choice talking to you
Melia Elita: *waves at the audience* *kiss bye* smooch smooch thank you thank you
Aexeonn: shit lol
Melia Elita: of course I'm an experienced, competent, and professional love doctor
Aexeonn: oh wow
Aexeonn: when are you gonna open a clinic
Aexeonn: can we continue later? My father is here zzz
Aexeonn: -___-
Melia Elita: later when my love story came true
Melia Elita: kayy
Angela Aprilia: ah its over
Angela Aprilia: im late *sob*
Melia Elita: Yeaahhhh im sure angel got many sweet quotes
Angela Aprilia: yeap
Angela Aprilia: Ok then good luck
Melia Elita: =)) be patient ya
Melia Elita: don't give up bagas-senpai

I don't think theres a direct equivalent to kakak kelas in English. And it sounds better too, more than, "senior."

Angela Aprilia: if there is any conflict you can talk to me(?)
Melia Elita: (y)

Thumbs up emoticon

Aexeonn: Heyeyey
Melia Elita: Yo
Aexeonn: theres been a new development:
Aexeonn: im still confused
Melia Elita: wut wut ??
Aexeonn: Akh
Melia Elita: -_-
Melia Elita: what is it now ?
Aexeonn: idk
Aexeonn: ive a bad Feeling
Melia Elita: what bad feeling?
Aexeonn: that Bad feel
Aexeonn: sigh and i was alrdy fired up
Aexeonn: *already
Melia Elita: Yaaahhhhh
Melia Elita: cmon get fired up again you can do it
Aexeonn: i believe I can
Aexeonn: i believe with all my heart (Duessh)

Duesh: strong breeze sound effect

Melia Elita: Yeeey ganbatte
Melia Elita: Yoohoo
Aexeonn: but there's still something bad stuck in here?
Aexeonn: it's not like I'm not fired up anymore
Aexeonn: I'm fired up, but worried as well (duesh)
Melia Elita: what's stuck ?
Aexeonn: a wheel is stuck -___-

Indonesian classic joke. It'll make sense if you can speak and understand Indonesian.

Melia Elita: i know theres something to worry about
Melia Elita: ugh man -_-
Aexeonn: Lol xD
Aexeonn: wheew
Aexeonn: but seriously
Aexeonn: I believe, there's a will, but there's a bad feeling in the way
Aexeonn: Eh, brb
Melia Elita: find something to bring your mood back
Melia Elita: Its not bad feelings, its just you not being confident
Melia Elita: to me, anyway
Angela Aprilia: afraid of rejection ya
Angela Aprilia: well, there are boys who only propose if the girl likes him too
Melia Elita: ah, that too
Angela Aprilia: yep
Angela Aprilia: for example, my boyfriend Bagas #okthen

Her boyfriend's nickname and my nickname are the same. Bagas.

Melia Elita: ah, that
Angela Aprilia: :3
Melia Elita: my ex-boyfriend's sibling said that he likes me since 7th grade, but he proposed to me at the second semester of 8th grade. But it's all bullshit in the end *confess
Aexeonn: Hay you guys
Aexeonn: Wow confession
Aexeonn: dad had a little problem
Aexeonn: i was called
Melia Elita: ahahah confession
Melia Elita: Oohhh
Aexeonn: maybe thats it
Aexeonn: maybe im afraid of rejection
Melia Elita: there
Melia Elita: That's it
Melia Elita: stay optimistic
Aexeonn: there's something I reeaaallyyyy wanna ask
Aexeonn: whad do couples do?
Aexeonn: I'm not optimist, I'm realist
Melia Elita: you've never had a relationship before? I can't believe you asked that-_-
Melia Elita: Yaah you just care for her
Angela Aprilia: i say
Melia Elita: treat her different from your other friends
Aexeonn: Hehehe *is stabbed*
Angela Aprilia: the meaning of boyfriend in my private life
Angela Aprilia: the person who's always there for me
Angela Aprilia: the one who cares, the one who talks to me every second, the one who's in my mind and in my heart
Aexeonn: Aww
Melia Elita: that's what I felt, the one who treats me like I'm the only one he loves
Angela Aprilia: the one who said "good morning" every morning and "good night" every night
Angela Aprilia: the one who says ily before going to sleep
Angela Aprilia: Ah
Angela Aprilia: Ahahaha
Angela Aprilia: (?)
Aexeonn: breath ladies, breath
Aexeonn: Awwwwww~
Aexeonn: feels like flying /hah
Melia Elita: the one who panics the most if something happened, like being sick, bad grades
Melia Elita: the one who can bring back my mood from 0 to 10
Aexeonn: from 0 to infinity
Aexeonn: limitless, like the sky
Melia Elita: Awww yea exactly
Angela Aprilia: you two just liked each other right
Aexeonn: Who?
Melia Elita: you and Audrey
Angela Aprilia: that affection really is love from the start
Angela Aprilia: as you walk
Angela Aprilia: you will find
Angela Aprilia: your way to make your relationship work
Melia Elita: or have you liked her already? Love?
Angela Aprilia: and you'll have your own distinctive touches
Angela Aprilia: like me
Angela Aprilia: at first we're like uuugh so awkward and boring
Angela Aprilia: now it's completely different
Aexeonn: Aww
Melia Elita: it'll get better over time
Aexeonn: ching
Angela Aprilia: and being in a relationship is a process of understanding more out of each other
Angela Aprilia: deeper

Oh my god, that actually sounded so much more sexual in the voice in my head. No please.

Angela Aprilia: people in a relationship usually talk About each other's disgrace

The Indonesian word "aib" contains mixed meanings of disgrace, dishonor, embarrassment, shame, and a bunch of other stuff. Pretty complicated.

Melia Elita: ah that's it
Aexeonn: omg my heart is pounding
Melia Elita: pounding because of what?
Aexeonn: IDontKnowwwwwwww
Melia Elita: relax, take it easy.
Aexeonn: easier said than done
Angela Aprilia: it's still tomorrow
Aexeonn: no it's not >_>
Aexeonn: I gotta watch my schedule too
Angela Aprilia: you gotta have guts to do it
Angela Aprilia: then when
Angela Aprilia: remember these words
Angela Aprilia: "when you love someone just be brave to say" if she's taken by another, you're the one who'll be sorry

Angel's last massage hits me hard, like a freight train. It fucked up my feelings real bad.

Aexeonn: it sucks if there's sudden schedule changes tomorrow -__-
Aexeonn: Ah
Aexeonn: Audrey has an ex
Aexeonn: ^Quote above^ "i like this."

I meant Angel's last message.

Melia Elita: So ?? If she has it doesn't man you've no chance to get her, right?
Aexeonn: Check, huh. Have to reposition the king.

I'm talking in chess term here. I've never played chess before. At least, I've never won.

Melia Elita: it's from a song awww
Aexeonn: yeah maybe
Aexeonn: Hah a song
Aexeonn: what song
Melia Elita: When u love someone just be brave to say ~ singing
Aexeonn: Oh >_>
Melia Elita: there's a song I forgot its title
Aexeonn: Aw hey
Aexeonn: Eh
Aexeonn: try this
Melia Elita: whut ?
Aexeonn: you know I'm afraid of being rejected right
Aexeonn: but its not her fault
Aexeonn: it's my own fault
Aexeonn: I've been having problems lately
Aexeonn: this is serious

I meant serious talk. Like, real fucking serious. Like, "it's a matter of national security."

Melia Elita: problems like?
Aexeonn: domestic violence /not that
Melia Elita: Hah ? *doesn't understand
Aexeonn: school probs
Aexeonn: not domestic violence
Angela Aprilia: Ya
Aexeonn: :p
Angela Aprilia: and
Aexeonn: what if I get real busy
Aexeonn: I'm afraid I can't make enough time to spend with her
Angela Aprilia: that huh
Angela Aprilia: well yeah
Angela Aprilia: my bf is the kind of person who has a lot of free time
Melia Elita: Yeaaa just say "I've been busy lately, sorry if I rarely contact you"
Angela Aprilia: one thing that matters
Angela Aprilia: you always keep her informed
Melia Elita: she will understand !!!!
Angela Aprilia: what you've been doing
Melia Elita: ah that's right
Angela Aprilia: make her trust you
Aexeonn: trust huh

At this point, I'm rather confused.

And... disappointed. In myself.

I'm not the trusting kind. I'm not the kind of person who would trust others to watch my back. To give them my full believe in their words. Hell, I don't even trust my baby brother. My own biological sibling. Or my parents, for that matter.

Sometimes I don't even trust my own feelings...

I've liked Audrey for almost a year, but I don't believe myself. I don't even know if other people trust me. I don't trust others, even me. Even myself.

Melia Elita: as long as you can keep it clear she will understand
Aexeonn: Ohoho
Aexeonn: Ya
Aexeonn: keep her posted huh
Melia Elita: absolutely... don't make it a tense relationship, it's going to be hard to calm down /no

It's supposed to be a sexual joke, I think. Again, it's an Indonesian joke.

Aexeonn: Wat
Melia Elita: forget it my brain errors at night
Aexeonn: I'm laughing
Aexeonn: really
Melia Elita: what are you, really confused or really laughing ???
Melia Elita: I'm confused
Aexeonn: I'm confused
Aexeonn: but I'm laughing because of that

I meant the sexual joke above.

Melia Elita: but you're laughing
Angela Aprilia: Aex
Angela Aprilia: give us your rl pic
Aexeonn: laughing in my mind /hah
Angela Aprilia: =))
Aexeonn: AIIIIIII
Aexeonn: rl photo?
Aexeonn: later
Melia Elita: yeah give us rl photo
Angela Aprilia: Please
Angela Aprilia: it's payment for talking to us
Angela Aprilia: Now
Aexeonn: you'll make it viral  >_>
Melia Elita: I wanna see senpai's face
Melia Elita: ah yea
Aexeonn: Noooooo
Aexeonn: tomorrow when I'm refreshed

I'm tired and half sleepy at the time.

Melia Elita: I'm not like xle-_-
Melia Elita: spreading photos
Angela Aprilia: Pinky.promise
Angela Aprilia: I wont
Angela Aprilia: we helped
Angela Aprilia: ugh
Melia Elita: Ahhh cmon
Melia Elita: old pictures are fine
Angela Aprilia: NOW
Aexeonn: noo ahaaaaah
Aexeonn: tomorrow in the morning
Melia Elita: Ahhh consulting time is expensive
Aexeonn: when I'm fresh
Aexeonn: ugh damn D
Melia Elita: if you're with a psycologist its ex to the pensive
Aexeonn: *xD
Melia Elita: so cmon
Melia Elita: Tonight !!!
Aexeonn: I've been to a psychologist
Aexeonn: whats tonight?
Melia Elita: the pic !!!
Aexeonn: I'm embarrased >///<
Melia Elita: its ok cmon
Aexeonn: ok then

I gave up.

Melia Elita: Yes
Aexeonn:  wait
Melia Elita: Yup
Aexeonn: how
Melia Elita: send it in personal mesage
Aexeonn: where?
Melia Elita: messager
Angela Aprilia: me too k
Melia Elita: yea !
Melia Elita: cmon I'm growing impatient and curious

I sent my selfie to them. It's so fucking embarrassing. I put on my best poker face. It was a bad pic. It's dark, bad lighting, my phone's front camera doesn't have flash and the camera is crappy. Oh, I ain't gonna post it here, no fucking way.

Melia Elita: Okayy ...

After I read that okay message, I completely lost my self confidence.

Aexeonn: there >_>
Melia Elita: okay done
Aexeonn: :|
Aexeonn: so
Melia Elita: you're cute, chubby

"Chubby."

Well, it's better than fat.

Aexeonn: it's new
Aexeonn: 5 mins ago
Melia Elita: Hehehe yea
Aexeonn: I've never taken a selfie before
Melia Elita: Wow for us jle

That's how we usually mention Angel, her nickname. Like Axel, xle. Angel is called "jle." Read: jell.

Aexeonn: I've never taken any selfie in my life :|
Aexeonn: there make it viral >_>
Aexeonn: so it's not me who post it
Aexeonn: >_>
Melia Elita: nope .. I'm a person who keeps my words. If I said I won't it means I won't.
Aexeonn: well actually its ok if it hoes viral
Aexeonn: the problem is, I don't wanna be the one posting it
Aexeonn: embarrassing
Aexeonn: Aww
Angela Aprilia: Yea
Melia Elita: relax I won't spread it
Angela Aprilia: I won't either
Angela Aprilia: just relac man
Aexeonn: really >_>
Melia Elita: yeee
Aexeonn: Oke :|
Melia Elita: ok
Aexeonn: Eh, why did you want my rl photo?
Melia Elita: no reason just curious, I've see Abby's, Axel's etc. Its just I've never seen your face
Aexeonn: my photo is dark cuz my front camera has no flash :|
Aexeonn: I wanna see Abby's and Axel's face
Melia Elita: yea its ok
Aexeonn: I've seen Axel but he said it isn't him
Melia Elita: Axel is in his ava

She meant Twitter avatar.

Aexeonn: it's dark
Melia Elita: Angel do you still have xle's paparazzi photos ?
Melia Elita: she has em
Angela Aprilia: ugh
Angela Aprilia: I have his photo of waking up in the morning

I was shocked. Wow this guy, dude. This guy.

Aexeonn: Oh wowo
Angela Aprilia: but I'm afraid bagas would get suspicious so I deleted it
Aexeonn: Wowowow

Disappointed.

Aexeonn: Ahhhh
Aexeonn: "aw darn it" >_>
Aexeonn: Jane
Angela Aprilia: what is it?
Aexeonn: how many ex boyfriends do you have?
Melia Elita: what is it calling me ?
Melia Elita: 3
Angela Aprilia: 3
Angela Aprilia: (?)
Aexeonn: Wow
Aexeonn: that's amazing folks

Grade 9, presumably 14-16 years old, has 3 ex bfs.

Angela Aprilia: you haven't asked me yet
Angela Aprilia: (?)
Melia Elita: you haven't seen anything yet my friend called Indah had a dozen of ex bfs
Melia Elita: Angel doesn't have any
Aexeonn: you just have to say it
Angela Aprilia: Yap
Aexeonn: holy shit a dozen
Aexeonn: changes boyfriend once every month
Angela Aprilia: 13 huh
Melia Elita: 14
Angela Aprilia: Bagas has 2 ex gfs
Angela Aprilia: Oh ya 14
Angela Aprilia: Naftali and Vio
Melia Elita: Axel has 5
Angela Aprilia: Lolols
Angela Aprilia: omg I'm the most innocent
Aexeonn: damn, you all got many ex >_> /huh
Aexeonn: I don't have any either
Angela Aprilia: I don't have
Melia Elita: people like me
Angela Aprilia I'm a loyal person
Aexeonn: yeeaaa
Angela Aprilia: since long ago
Angela Aprilia: from 4th grade I only like bagas
Angela Aprilia: I got him at 8th grade
Melia Elita: Ehh you once liked randy too
Aexeonn: 4 years of waitinh
Aexeonn: I don't know any of them -___-
Angela Aprilia: yea
Angela Aprilia: just his face
Angela Aprilia: then back to the loved one
Aexeonn: aww yiss
Melia Elita: lolol I was having a hard time moving on from my ex too jle
Aexeonn: do you wear glasses?

To be honest, I was trying to change the subject. The pressure from talking about these kinds of stuff is unbearable for me. I'm not the kind of person who would jump into someone else's past, but I'm the one who started it. So, yeah.

Angela Aprilia: o do
Angela Aprilia: i
Angela Aprilia: *
Melia Elita: nopezzz
Aexeonn: I do too but I frequently takes it off
Aexeonn: makes me dizzy
Aexeonn: I'm not used to wearing glasses
Melia Elita: Oohh
Aexeonn: Eh, why are we getting off topic -___-

Changing the topic didn't work out. Maybe I chose a bad subject or I just suck at these kind of things.

Aexeonn: Back to the Audrey topic
Aexeonn: what if I can't go to her house at Tuesday
Angela Aprilia: go tomorrow
Angela Aprilia: Ftf
Angela Aprilia: ~
Aexeonn: I'm kinda busy

That one was a lie.

Aexeonn: Agh
Angela Aprilia: the faster, the better
Melia Elita: just go there the next Tuesday
Aexeonn: Owhkhay
Angela Aprilia: don't blame her if she already belonged to someone else

Angel keeps on spraying salt on my bleeding wound. It fucking burns to fucking hell. Oh my fucking god can you fucking stop. Like, can you fucking not. I was fucking screaming in my fucking mind when I first read that. And I fucking screamed again in my fucking mind after reading that the second fucking time.

Melia Elita: yeah maybe if you're late
Aexeonn: yeah maybe
Aexeonn: everything is yeah maybe >_>
Aexeonn: I CANT FOCUS AAAAAAAAAAAAGH

My bro popped up in my mind.

Aexeonn: Oh ya
Aexeonn: how about this
Melia Elita: what is it !
Melia Elita: *?
Aexeonn: so my lil bro is in the same class as Audrey
Melia Elita: so ?
Aexeonn: what if he likes her
Melia Elita: just ask your brother
Aexeonn: maybe I'm just too worried
Aexeonn: he won't tell me those kind of things
Melia Elita: that's it, you're over thinking it
Aexeonn: yeah maybe
Melia Elita: too worried
Angela Aprilia: that's the problem
Angela Aprilia: Negative thinking
Aexeonn: well, that's how usually think.

^that^ Bad move?

Melia Elita: get rid of that.
Aexeonn: I wanna talk about something but it almost has nothing to do with Audrey
Melia Elita: wut ?
Aexeonn: about me being "frequently worrying things too much"
Aexeonn: so I've dropped out of my school
Aexeonn: when I was a junior high schooler grade 7 and 8 I was in Audrey's school
Aexeonn: by the time I was dropped out
Aexeonn: Audrey was just entering her 7th grade
Aexeonn: she went in when I got kicked
Aexeonn: my bro was there too
Aexeonn: I'm pretty sure my bro is closer to Audrey than I ever will
Aexeonn: 3 years together
Aexeonn: when I dropped out and moved away
Aexeonn: I had succumbed to depression
Aexeonn: my bro introduced me to Audrey via Twitter
Aexeonn: then I started to like her
Aexeonn: but before I met her
Aexeonn: my bro was frequently bullied

He told me once.

Aexeonn: his superiors said to him
Aexeonn: "where's your bro bagas huh"
Melia Elita: Then ?
Aexeonn: I wanted to protect him but I can't
Aexeonn: that's when I got my worrying habit
Angela Aprilia: if i may know what made the school kicked you out
Angela Aprilia: thats what you get for being a badboy
Aexeonn: I'm not a bad boy >_>
Aexeonn: defended myself but I became a scapegoat
Melia Elita: So ?
Aexeonn: thats the short version
Melia Elita: what do you mean?
Aexeonn: long version:
Aexeonn: back then, i too was frequently bullied by school gangs
Aexeonn: when I defended myself
Aexeonn: theres a kid who was sent to a hospitak
Aexeonn: *hospital
Aexeonn: school had to decide
Aexeonn: kick 1 innocent kid
Aexeonn: or
Aexeonn: kick the group of kids in the gangs
Aexeonn: if youre looking for profit you wont kick out so many students right
Aexeonn: so i dropped out
Aexeonn: thats how it goes
Melia Elita: Oohhh
Melia Elita: Hmm yeah its difficult
Aexeonn: and then
Aexeonn: wanna continue? >_>
Melia Elita: I'm sorry
Melia Elita: can we do it tomorrow ? I should sleep now
Aexeonn: Ah its ok its in the past
Aexeonn: ok then tomorrow it is

We never continued the story.

Aexeonn: I still have one favor to ask
Melia Elita: what is it before i sleep ?
Aexeonn: can i put this chat on my blog?
Melia Elita: of course
Aexeonn: Oke
Aexeonn: thanks ya
Aexeonn: so everyone can know
Angela Aprilia: My pleasure

That's the end of it.

OD 11: I'm running out of cool titles.

Thursday, January. 16/01/2014. 22:25 / 10:25 pm.

Its raining outside by the time im writing this. Everything is cold to the touch.

Oh, i just got a new phone and the keyboard sucks ass. So, pardon me if you feel theres less punctuations, more frequent typos and mispells, and other stuff. You know what im talking about.

I dont know what im doing here anymore. In blogger. At first i wanted to vent here, then i made it into somekind of timeline of what happened. And now im writing what i feel here, venting.

Now I'm just gonna talk about some random things that happened.

Recently, dad got me a new glasses. I've been using it for two days now and I can say everything is so much clearer while I'm using it. The thing is, I'm kinda worried. After a full day of using it, my vision became blurry if I don't use it. I've no problem reading without glasses, but after using it its kinda hard to read a book. Before I got my new glasses, I'm a bit shortsighted and I've no problem reading books without help. After a full day of using this new glasses, everything is much much worse. I became more shortsighted and I require extra effort if I'm trying to read books. I'm kinda scared, y'know. I imagined I would grew dependant on it. Like, everything is better with it at the cost of making everything worse without it, so it's a must use accessory.

Monday, January. 20/01/2014. 15:25 / 03:25 pm.

I downloaded a keyboard, should be able to make less mistakes now. Let's talk about random things.

Do you know how hard it is to find good anime series? I know the struggle. Maybe it's because of my high standards and weird fetishes, but I've no regrets.

I've just finished a series, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann. I cannot describe it in words, it's simply amazing. I won't tell you anything about it, otherwise the magic will wear off. The thing is, I've been searching for this series for 2 years. I first caught a glimpse of it back when I was still sitting in 9th grade. It's the anime that first sparked my interest in the anime universe. I encountered many other series as I was searching for it. I remember it like it was yesterday. The first episode I ever watched was episode 5, I was switching channels to find something to watch when I found it.

Tuesday, January. 21/01/2014. 08:51 am.

I've never watched the full series until yesterday, thanks to the new guy's help.

Oh, there's a new student in my class. A boy. He's more productive and active in two weeks than all the other classmates in a year. He gave me the entire TTGL series. I think he's a pretty nice guy.

One thing that I realized is that it turns out that this new guy is kinky as fuck, but he tries to keep it a secret to himself. Strange? I think not. Most people look innocent, while in reality, they're not. But sometimes there's an anomaly. Like my brother's classmate, let's call him C. He is innocent, but act as if he knows a lot about porn to fit in. People might do stuff they don't like just so they can blend in to a group. But to some people, the procces are reversed and works entirely different in general. Like Audrey's cousin (niece?), her name is Dhia. This Dhia girl is a fujoshi. Here's a simple explanation if you're too lazy to click on the link, I will bluntly say that she openly states that she likes gay sex.

What?

The confusion starts there.

How she able to have any friends?

Internet. Now, back to the "procces are reversed and works entirely different in general," I don't know shit about her, I'm just using her as an example. Note that this is all just my opinion, not the actual story.

Dhia, if you're reading this, I am truly sorry if you feel offended. I'm just using you as an example. But other than that, you're fine. I won't write other stuff about you.

Some people fit in by changing several aspects of themselves, this particular person, Dhia, does not. She openly states her opinion, refusing to blend in. Creating a topic via the Almighty Internet, which in turn attracts other people with common interest. Therefore making a new group.

See, it works the other way around, the "procces are reversed and works entirely different in general."

Friday, January. 24/01/2014. 08:19 am.

Last night I chatted with Jane and Angel. At first I was kinda down and I can't think straight. I had decided to drop my feelings of Audrey, but they talked me out of it and got me a little motivated.

I'm going to ask Audrey to be my girlfriend on Tuesday.

Oh my god.

I can't believe I'm doing it. It might not work out, y'know. But I'll just believe, and have faith.

I've nothing more to say. In the next entry I'm gonna post what I talked about with Jane and Angel. With screenshots and translated text.

Oh, and...

I've ran out of cool titles to write on top. :/

Bye, all. Wish me luck. :)

-Aex

OD 10: Deep in Thought

Thursday, January. 02/01/2014. 00:02 am.

Happy belated new year, boys and girls.

I wish you all everything positive in this new year, because I'm too lazy to write them all down.

As the title suggests, I've been into some pretty deep water. In my last entry, I wrote that I would write about myself. I can't, apparently. Something like that would only be filled with lies. Nothing more, nothing less. But I did wrote it, before I deleted it.

As I started writing about myself, I began to think. What would they think about me after I post this? After they read my previous entries and begun reading this one, would that affect their imagery of me? My image? What if someone I know read it? What would they think about what I thought of them? And so on, and so on. The questions are endless. It kept going on and on.

Why would I care about what you think after I wrote about myself? I clearly stated in my first entry that I do not give the slightest mother fucking shit about the crap that's going on in your head. But then suddenly, I did. I cared. I actually gave a shit about what other people think, and with it, what other people would say about me should something like this happen. For instance, when they ask your opinions about me. But, enough of that. It gives me paranoia and insomnia, I sure hope that it doesn't give me amnesia.

Saturday, January. 04/01/2014. 11:03 am.

Parents meeting.

I be fucked.

I look at my school report regarding my academic performance and...

Tl;dr. Lol.

Summary, my version: "Ariabagas can perform well in class and has achieved very good scores in many subject. However, he is always late when giving homeworks and he has trouble socializing with the other students."

Well, that's that.

High scores? Yay me, I'm a genius. Homework? It can wait, video games first.

Socialize? People can back the fuck off. They're blocking my view. They always hold me back. I have my values, my opinions and shit like that. If they don't hold me back, I can be better. I can help people too. But they don't want my help, so I stayed away. If they asked for my help and I helped them, I know I would end up being used. But after a long while, I realized that the problem is not "I won't socialize" but "I can't socialize." My long isolation made me afraid of other people, and therefore affected my abilities to socialize. Now its not as bad as it was. But still, talking with other people, even with the closest relatives, is a hard task for me.

Back then, long ago before I first created my blog, this blog, I was alone. There's my lil' bro which always cheer me up, and my parents too. But it ain't always sun and rainbows. At first, I created this blog just to write stories, fanfics. But then I burned out, I ran out of inspiration. As I wrote these stories, my life was getting better. I vented it all out, my anger, sadness and other stuff on my stories. I channeled my frustration, and turned it into inspiration. Usually after I finished writing, I felt better. I'm not angry or sad anymore. And therefore I can socialize better.

Now, let's say I've become more normal. I don't get angry and sad as much as I did. And with that, I have nothing to keep me writing. I've no inspiration.

On the positive side, I can connect with people more easily, now. I'm not the "loner freak boy" I once was.

On the bad side, I became less sensitive, to the point of "not caring if my best friend got hit by a truck and died in my arms." I hardly care about people. At least, my friends said that I wouldn't care if what I just wrote in italic really happened to my best friend.

Here's the thing: I care. But I don't know how to express it. Say, when something bad happened to a friend, I have two options:
1• don't say shit.
2• say something to comfort them.

Obviously, if I picked option 1 people would think I don't care. But if I picked option 2, I really don't know what to say.

To me, saying something like "I understand how you feel" is just the same as lying.

Saying you "understand" the feeling of your friend's father died of cancer, when your father is obviously still breathing? Would that count as a lie?

Say, if your pet died, would you really understand what the other person feels when their pet died?

You "know" the feeling, not "understand" it.

How can you understand other person's feeling when their pet died? When its obviously not yours? Even if you've felt the feeling? It ain't your pet.

There. Point made. If you're reading up until this point, you might think that I'm very insensitive. I am, but that doesn't mean I won't give a shit if my parents died, no. I care, even if its not much, I still do. When you cry, I might not. But that doesn't mean I don't care.

Now I'm just repeating the same thing over and over.

Monday, January. 06/01/2014. 00:08 am.

I've been having sleeping problems lately. I don't know why. One second, I feel sleepy as shit, the next second, I feel fresh as if I just chewed a battery. Example: I'm playing my PSP, I got half-way through the stage and then, I feel sleepy. I'm gonna sleep after the next checkpoint. I thought. Reached the checkpoint, saved my progress, going to bed. I feel sleepy as fuck. But after I put my head on the pillow, suddenly I wanna run in a marathon, write a novel, compose a musical piece, shoot people, all kinds of stuff. I'm not sleepy.

What?

I just wanna sleep, damn it!

Actually, its been going on for a while. Maybe I've been doing this for a couple of months. But it has never been this bad.

Anyway, today I went to an eye doctor with my family.

Its the first time I had my eye checked by a doctor in the last 3 years. Its also my first time since I was first given a glasses. The doctor said, normally I should have my eyes checked once every year. My eyesight is getting worse. Like, from riding a bike downhill without brakes to jumping off an airplane without a parachute. My brother also got his eyes checked. I was surprised at the fact that his eye sight is even worse than me.

How?

I asked him about the results, we were not checked at the same time. I went first and he's waiting for his turn in the lobby. After I asked him, he told me it was real bad and told me I should ask dad about the details. After dad explained the results, I said "how come your eye sight is worse than mine?" But he avoided the question.

After that, he acted strange until we came home.

What's up with that?

I can't really understand people right off the bat. Then again, so does most people.

Monday, January. 06/01/2014. 17:02 / 05:02 pm.

"Really understand people."

Now that I think about it, it sounded like a stupid statement.

I can't understand people that much, but I can figure out patterns. Being with someone for a while can reveal so much about them. I'm not talking about their hobbies, or who they like, or their favorite food. Stuff like that can be asked directly at the person, right? I'm talking about speech patterns, body language, certain behavior in certain situation, and other stuff. After knowing this kind of stuff, I can almost predict what they would say, what they are going to do, bla-bla-bla. Its not really that important, but it helps me connect with them. Knowing that and their hobbies and stuff, It makes me feel that the person I met four days ago seems like we've known each other for ten years.

But still, even if you've been friends with someone for a real ten years, sometimes you feel like you don't know them.

People are like gardens, labyrinths made out of walls of flowers.

In the garden you can find many kinds of flowers, secrets like who they like or their hobbies. But in order to find them, you must go to the labyrinth, which changes at the whim of the garden's owner.

Most of the times, I'm outside of the labyrinth. Doing things like hanging out with the owner, get to know them better, figure out a pattern, y'know, that kind of stuff. Now, after all that time when you're in the maze, the changing labyrinth, searching for secrets, is gonna be easier.

When you see a beautiful flower, the owner is gonna change the maze to protect the flower they've taken cared of. The paths changes, but you know how it works, you know the patterns from all that time you spend with the owner. The rest is up to you.

Take the secret and use it as leverage, or let it stay there so you can talk about it with them and expand your world.

Thursday, January. 09/01/2014. 06:28 am.

I cried last night. I don't know how to tell it correctly right now, but I'll try to in the chronological order.

Last night, I was supposed to sleep earlier than usual so I can wake up extra early. But instead of sleeping, I lurked around YouTube. My bro got mad because, he said, I was making to much noise.

He's been very sensitive these past days. Well, he is sensitive, but I've never seen him like this. Getting pissed fairly easily without any clear reason. Its like he's trying to cut me off. But its strange. Say, he asked me about something and I explained the answer, but he me left half-way the explanation.

What do you want?

I don't know what happened next, its still blurry. What I clearly remember is the fact that I cried. I don't want to make any sound. I gritted my teeth so hard. I can't breath.

I'm sad at the fact that my brother, the boy I knew all my life, is no longer a boy, and with that, I no longer know him.

I'm clueless about the closest person in my life, closer than my own parents.

Pretty sad, huh?

He changed his personality. Maybe he's hiding his old self behind the new one. I've felt this way before. He usually became his old self after some time, I always thought that maybe he had problems at school or something like that. But this time its different. Maybe he really is gone, his old self. I hope he will change back, but I'm not so sure myself. Maybe he's gone for a long time now, I don't know, maybe forever.

I'm gonna stop now. Its no use. Things like this needs time.

Let's just look forward.

-Aex

Wednesday, January. 22/01/2014. 14:55 / 02:55 pm.

Fixed some minor typos.