Thursday, January. 02/01/2014. 00:02 am.
Happy belated new year, boys and girls.
I wish you all everything positive in this new year, because I'm too lazy to write them all down.
As the title suggests, I've been into some pretty deep water. In my last entry, I wrote that I would write about myself. I can't, apparently. Something like that would only be filled with lies. Nothing more, nothing less. But I did wrote it, before I deleted it.
As I started writing about myself, I began to think. What would they think about me after I post this? After they read my previous entries and begun reading this one, would that affect their imagery of me? My image? What if someone I know read it? What would they think about what I thought of them? And so on, and so on. The questions are endless. It kept going on and on.
Why would I care about what you think after I wrote about myself? I clearly stated in my first entry that I do not give the slightest mother fucking shit about the crap that's going on in your head. But then suddenly, I did. I cared. I actually gave a shit about what other people think, and with it, what other people would say about me should something like this happen. For instance, when they ask your opinions about me. But, enough of that. It gives me paranoia and insomnia, I sure hope that it doesn't give me amnesia.
Saturday, January. 04/01/2014. 11:03 am.
Parents meeting.
I be fucked.
I look at my school report regarding my academic performance and...
Tl;dr. Lol.
Summary, my version: "Ariabagas can perform well in class and has achieved very good scores in many subject. However, he is always late when giving homeworks and he has trouble socializing with the other students."
Well, that's that.
High scores? Yay me, I'm a genius. Homework? It can wait, video games first.
Socialize? People can back the fuck off. They're blocking my view. They always hold me back. I have my values, my opinions and shit like that. If they don't hold me back, I can be better. I can help people too. But they don't want my help, so I stayed away. If they asked for my help and I helped them, I know I would end up being used. But after a long while, I realized that the problem is not "I won't socialize" but "I can't socialize." My long isolation made me afraid of other people, and therefore affected my abilities to socialize. Now its not as bad as it was. But still, talking with other people, even with the closest relatives, is a hard task for me.
Back then, long ago before I first created my blog, this blog, I was alone. There's my lil' bro which always cheer me up, and my parents too. But it ain't always sun and rainbows. At first, I created this blog just to write stories, fanfics. But then I burned out, I ran out of inspiration. As I wrote these stories, my life was getting better. I vented it all out, my anger, sadness and other stuff on my stories. I channeled my frustration, and turned it into inspiration. Usually after I finished writing, I felt better. I'm not angry or sad anymore. And therefore I can socialize better.
Now, let's say I've become more normal. I don't get angry and sad as much as I did. And with that, I have nothing to keep me writing. I've no inspiration.
On the positive side, I can connect with people more easily, now. I'm not the "loner freak boy" I once was.
On the bad side, I became less sensitive, to the point of "not caring if my best friend got hit by a truck and died in my arms." I hardly care about people. At least, my friends said that I wouldn't care if what I just wrote in italic really happened to my best friend.
Here's the thing: I care. But I don't know how to express it. Say, when something bad happened to a friend, I have two options:
1• don't say shit.
2• say something to comfort them.
Obviously, if I picked option 1 people would think I don't care. But if I picked option 2, I really don't know what to say.
To me, saying something like "I understand how you feel" is just the same as lying.
Saying you "understand" the feeling of your friend's father died of cancer, when your father is obviously still breathing? Would that count as a lie?
Say, if your pet died, would you really understand what the other person feels when their pet died?
You "know" the feeling, not "understand" it.
How can you understand other person's feeling when their pet died? When its obviously not yours? Even if you've felt the feeling? It ain't your pet.
There. Point made. If you're reading up until this point, you might think that I'm very insensitive. I am, but that doesn't mean I won't give a shit if my parents died, no. I care, even if its not much, I still do. When you cry, I might not. But that doesn't mean I don't care.
Now I'm just repeating the same thing over and over.
Monday, January. 06/01/2014. 00:08 am.
I've been having sleeping problems lately. I don't know why. One second, I feel sleepy as shit, the next second, I feel fresh as if I just chewed a battery. Example: I'm playing my PSP, I got half-way through the stage and then, I feel sleepy. I'm gonna sleep after the next checkpoint. I thought. Reached the checkpoint, saved my progress, going to bed. I feel sleepy as fuck. But after I put my head on the pillow, suddenly I wanna run in a marathon, write a novel, compose a musical piece, shoot people, all kinds of stuff. I'm not sleepy.
What?
I just wanna sleep, damn it!
Actually, its been going on for a while. Maybe I've been doing this for a couple of months. But it has never been this bad.
Anyway, today I went to an eye doctor with my family.
Its the first time I had my eye checked by a doctor in the last 3 years. Its also my first time since I was first given a glasses. The doctor said, normally I should have my eyes checked once every year. My eyesight is getting worse. Like, from riding a bike downhill without brakes to jumping off an airplane without a parachute. My brother also got his eyes checked. I was surprised at the fact that his eye sight is even worse than me.
How?
I asked him about the results, we were not checked at the same time. I went first and he's waiting for his turn in the lobby. After I asked him, he told me it was real bad and told me I should ask dad about the details. After dad explained the results, I said "how come your eye sight is worse than mine?" But he avoided the question.
After that, he acted strange until we came home.
What's up with that?
I can't really understand people right off the bat. Then again, so does most people.
Monday, January. 06/01/2014. 17:02 / 05:02 pm.
"Really understand people."
Now that I think about it, it sounded like a stupid statement.
I can't understand people that much, but I can figure out patterns. Being with someone for a while can reveal so much about them. I'm not talking about their hobbies, or who they like, or their favorite food. Stuff like that can be asked directly at the person, right? I'm talking about speech patterns, body language, certain behavior in certain situation, and other stuff. After knowing this kind of stuff, I can almost predict what they would say, what they are going to do, bla-bla-bla. Its not really that important, but it helps me connect with them. Knowing that and their hobbies and stuff, It makes me feel that the person I met four days ago seems like we've known each other for ten years.
But still, even if you've been friends with someone for a real ten years, sometimes you feel like you don't know them.
People are like gardens, labyrinths made out of walls of flowers.
In the garden you can find many kinds of flowers, secrets like who they like or their hobbies. But in order to find them, you must go to the labyrinth, which changes at the whim of the garden's owner.
Most of the times, I'm outside of the labyrinth. Doing things like hanging out with the owner, get to know them better, figure out a pattern, y'know, that kind of stuff. Now, after all that time when you're in the maze, the changing labyrinth, searching for secrets, is gonna be easier.
When you see a beautiful flower, the owner is gonna change the maze to protect the flower they've taken cared of. The paths changes, but you know how it works, you know the patterns from all that time you spend with the owner. The rest is up to you.
Take the secret and use it as leverage, or let it stay there so you can talk about it with them and expand your world.
Thursday, January. 09/01/2014. 06:28 am.
I cried last night. I don't know how to tell it correctly right now, but I'll try to in the chronological order.
Last night, I was supposed to sleep earlier than usual so I can wake up extra early. But instead of sleeping, I lurked around YouTube. My bro got mad because, he said, I was making to much noise.
He's been very sensitive these past days. Well, he is sensitive, but I've never seen him like this. Getting pissed fairly easily without any clear reason. Its like he's trying to cut me off. But its strange. Say, he asked me about something and I explained the answer, but he me left half-way the explanation.
What do you want?
I don't know what happened next, its still blurry. What I clearly remember is the fact that I cried. I don't want to make any sound. I gritted my teeth so hard. I can't breath.
I'm sad at the fact that my brother, the boy I knew all my life, is no longer a boy, and with that, I no longer know him.
I'm clueless about the closest person in my life, closer than my own parents.
Pretty sad, huh?
He changed his personality. Maybe he's hiding his old self behind the new one. I've felt this way before. He usually became his old self after some time, I always thought that maybe he had problems at school or something like that. But this time its different. Maybe he really is gone, his old self. I hope he will change back, but I'm not so sure myself. Maybe he's gone for a long time now, I don't know, maybe forever.
I'm gonna stop now. Its no use. Things like this needs time.
Let's just look forward.
-Aex
Wednesday, January. 22/01/2014. 14:55 / 02:55 pm.
Fixed some minor typos.
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