[Fiction] Players - Chapter 1: Login_

   Chapter 1: Login _

-Fynsel's perspective-

ID: WingsOfFreedom
Password: *******

   "Aaaand, enter."

   Its almost midnight, most people would already be sleeping. I should too but there's someone waiting for me. Man, its been some time since I played this game. If I use my main account I might screw up.

–Welcome to Colliding Realms Online, a Global Multiplayer Online Dramatic Action Roleplaying Game (GMODARPG).–

   Ah, the welcome screen. Oh how I've missed you! Okay now, let's see... Lyn said go to Desert area, Pyramid Temple Complex.

   I played around for a while in the entrance area to recall how to play before making my way towards the meeting place. My avatar, [WingsOfFreedom], the one who wears dark blue ninja armor with a mask and a red scarf approached Lynmere's. He's using his main account, which surprised me because usually he would hide in a dungeon while grinding for experience points, hiding from annoying players. After all, he's the champion. Lyn's avatar, [Lux_Magna], stands on top of a boulder with azure armor covering his torso and legs. His golden scarf on his neck and waist waving in the wind with his white hair.

   Two players are standing in the midst of a ruined temple deep within a vast, pyramid filled sands. Like a prologue to a showdown.

   [Private Messages]

WingsOfFreedom: youve been offline 4 sum time its like the champ has awaken
Lux_Magna: yea its been a while fyn.
Lux_Magna: wings of freedom, dom?
Lux_Magna: fancy a game of pvp?
WingsOfFreedom: ok but hold on. i havnt been playin 4 sum time in dis account
Lux_Magna: ok. what happened to ur 'real' acc?
WingsOfFreedom: its still here but i dont wanna use it 4 some time
WingsOfFreedom: Ill use broadcast to tell ppl to ext the area
Lux_Magna: ur not gonna add a twist to this fight?
WingsOfFreedom: i will. gimme sum time, im thinkin
WingsOfFreedom: single combat, no weapon/magic. fist to fist.
WingsOfFreedom: its like what we used to do back in the day, right lyn?
Lux_Magna: yea, miss those days. but magics r allowed :p
WingsOfFreedom: i would lose instantly w/ magics allowed haha
Lux_Magna: do u want me to hold back?
WingsOfFreedom: naw man
Lux_Magna: i want to talk bout something but pvp first
WingsOfFreedom: i need to talk to u too after dis
Lux_Magna: k den

   [Global Chat]

WingsOfFreedom: guys, me n Lux_Magna r pvping on Barren Desert so stay out

   Global Chat reacted differently than what I expected, players started going crazy over the fact that the champion will go against an ordinary player.

   [Global Chat]

randomplayer96: u guys read that? he must b mad lol
gamergurl15: a player like lux accepting pvp w/ a stranger? weird
boywhatshisface: champ vs ordinary player. dis i gotta see

   Not long after the announcement was made, the area was filled with other players but we continued on with the fight anyway. I've been waiting for this moment. Its like meeting a long lost brother.

   [Private Messages]

WingsOfFreedom: wtf
Lux_Magna: its ok let em watch
Lux_Magna: dude use a microphone if u got it
Lux_Magna: u dont have to tell em were pvping u know
WingsOfFreedom: shuttup lol

   «Let's begin. Releasing armor and weapon.»
   Both Dom's and Lux's armor fades into darkness, revealing the avatar's bare torso. They only have their leg armor on, the rest have been unequipped. With our weapons discarded, now we're ready to fight. Lux crossed both of his arms in front of him.

[Lux_Magna] Fire IX - Wave

   He swung his arms to the sides and casted a powerful wave of fire all around him. The scorching flames were so intense, it decimated all the boulders and made a flat ground. Perfect for a one on one battle. I quickly jumped to avoid the attack and lands smoothly on the broken temple floor.

   "Come on!" I shouted through the mic as I dashed towards Lux to deliver a punch, he evaded the attack by leaning to his right side and then threw me by grabbing my left arm and swinging my body, slamming me down. I got up with a kick to his head to knock him away, Lux was staggered for a moment.

   I thought I spotted an opening so I rushed in to attack but he countered my assault and knocked me to the sky.
   «Still too slow...» he said with a low voice as he jumps and prepares to smash me to the ground. Still as skillful as ever, but I mustn't lose. I grabbed him when he was about to smash me and sent him to the ground instead. Lux landed with a loud boom and clouds of dirt.

   «Hmm. Not bad.»
   "Not done yet!" I dropped towards him to attack with a downward strike but I missed, my attack cracked the surface. Before I managed to get up he had already kicked me and I was launched far away. Luckily I landed without crashing into anything even though I sled through the floor.

   I realized I was fighting a losing battle so I tried to renegotiate the deal I made with Lyn.

-Change perspective from Fynsel's to Lynmere's.-

   «Okay, how about this... magics allowed. If I win, you're going to the school I'm going to enter. You've been gone for a long time now, don't you think?»
   "Are you sure, Fyn?"

   Its true, I've been hiding for a long time. But it wasn't for nothing, there's a reason I disappeared. Maybe I should tell him what happened after all this time.

   "That's a big bet to place in an online game, but I suppose that's okay. Fyn, listen. I owe you an explanation."
   «About why you disappeared after the second semester started?»
   "Correct." I'm surprised he can take it lightly, I thought he was going to explode about it.
   «Tell me why, Lyn. Where were you!? Why did-»
   "Hey hey hey." Spoke too soon. Now, I have to distract him somehow before explaining to calm him down.

   "Remember the deal you made? See it through, then I'll explain. Okay?" Disaster averted.
   «Okay, but I'm gonna make you enter my highschool once we're done here. The gang misses you, Lyn.»
   "Really? I thought they would've forgotten me already."
   «What, are you trying to make me mad?»

   Oh, he's angry. This is actually good for me, if he loses his focus I could take advantage out of it. But it doesn't really matter who wins, I asked him to play just to talk to him about everything. Why I transferred out, why I cut them off from my life for the last 6 months.

Lux_Magna: u mad bro?

   I typed that as I laughed. It really feels different to play with your best friend rather that facing strangers in the arena.

   «I won't go easy on you, you know.»
   "Oh, please. No need."

   I cross both my arms in front of me and bend my knees. I hold my ground, refusing to be defeated by my childhood friend. I take a deep breath as my body emits a powerful aura. The ground trembles from the pressure.

   "Fyn, let me tell you one thing, you're gonna regret this."

   Provoked, Fyn's avatar charged towards mine and shoots a lightning projectile while jumping. He's focused on defeating me now, more than ever. Just before it reached me, I used a light magic to neutralize his attack and sent him sky high.

[WingsOfFreedom]  Thunder IV - Bolt
[Lux_Magna] Divine Light II - Flash

   I wanted to finish the fight quickly so I jumped to engage Dom in midair combat. We traded punches and shot magic at each other before plummeting back down to earth. On the way down he used a thunder magic at point blank range that paralyzed my avatar. I couldn't move, and in that split second advantage Dom kicks me down.

[WingsOfFreedom] Thunder IV - Charge
[WingsOfFreedom] Thunder III - Shock +
[Lux_Magna] Status: Shock

   "What-" I didn't realize I was paralyzed until I tried to counter him while he's stomping me.
   «Take this!» With one final stomp, Dom blasted off to the skies to deliver a magic attack. Fyn's avatar is covered in symbols and sigils. I knew he was going to use a light magic.

   He points both of his arms towards me, opening both fists into open palms. The sigils moved through air and stacks on top of each other. Before he executed the attack, my status ailment had wore off and I had just enough time to activate a protective shield magic. Golden circle runes appears below my feet, shining with power.

   "Light spells, huh? Alright."

[WingsOfFreedom] Divine Light II - Flash

   From the stacking light sigils, a large stream of purple light shoots down. Engulfing Lux in a shower of light, breaking the ground all around him.

[Lux_Magna] Support Magic II - Protect
[Lux_Magna] Darkness III - Black Hole

   I activated it just in time and his powerful magic is reflected off me, hitting nearby players instead. As Dom recovers from the spell's cool down frames, I prepared a powerful dark magic. "Its the end!"

   I jumped and grabbed Dom, slamming him to the ground and cast the dark magic in his face. Effectively ending the battle.

   Over the microphone, I heard Fyn groaning in annoyance.
   "What's the matter?"
   «I lost. That's what.» I only chuckled.
   "Don't worry about it. Even if I win, I would still be entering your school. I've already registered."

Lux_Magna: /pay_credits @wingsoffreedom 10000
Lux_Magna: /pay_coins @wingsoffreedom 500000

   «You're really coming back?» Still having doubts, Fyn can't help but ask. "Yeah."

[Lux_Magna] Support II - Revive
[Lux_Magna] Support III - Heal III

   With a shower of light, Lux revives and heals Fyn's avatar.
   "I've paid you enough money to be pretty rich. Now, go get stronger. Don't just waste this gift I gave you, practice your brain too. Shorten your reaction time, learn how to counter properly."

   We both laughed. Knowing that I'm going to be with my best friend again, I feel relieved.

Author's note: perspective changed to 3rd person. I'm getting kinda lazy here -3-)/

   "Hey, Lyn. I think its time to talk." Fyn opens a conversation first, over private voice chat channel.
   With a sigh, Lyn replies, "Right. I was just gonna say the same thing." Lyn clicks on a menu to open a portal heading to his avatar's residence. "Come."

   [Nexus - Lux_Magna & _Maximus_ residence]

   "Ah, this place. My other account is your wife, I forgot."
   "It still feels weird when you marry a woman and she reveals that she's a guy." Lyn said with a low voice, followed by Fyn's laugh on the other side of the network.
   "I married your account so I could get discounts on items!"
   "Cut it out, Fyn. On to business now." With their jokes aside, Lyn talks first to explain his disappearance.

   "As you know, after the second semester of 10th grade I transferred out."
   "I know it was for your father's company. You talked directly to the vice president via his son."
   "So you've known."
   "That's as far as I've heard." Fyn replies shortly. He puts his avatar on AFK status so it won't get kicked by administrator bots.

   "I was just worried, you know. You're an orphan now, Lyn. And if its just to hand over your position in the company, you don't really have to transfer out, right?"
   "I'm not really an orphan. I'm just alone. I transferred out to mature up. I've been living in the luxury of my mansion. I thought I wouldn't survive in the real world like that."

   "I see." Fyn whispered through his headset. Lyn is right, no matter who you are, the world will still try to bring you down. Not everyone have the heart to help each other, so they have to help themselves.
   "Don't worry. I'll meet you in class the day after tomorrow."
   "Hey now, we don't even know if we're gonna be in th-"

"I paid the teacher."

Adaptation Arc
Chapter 1: Login_
End

—————
15/08/2014

Its done!!!

*maniac bi*ch laugh*

Ahem. It is done. I know I don't have to say this because its some kind of a boring author's note that promotes his own work, but...

If you have any critics, suggestions, comments, post them on the comment box beeelooowww.

-Aex

OD 22: Hashtag No Filter

Monday, August. 11/08/2014 17:14

Cruel bombs.

What I've written below, what you're about to read, might be too painful to bear. I know for some of my close friends it will. Because it hurts me too.

I shouldn't be back to writing this early but I have to, otherwise I would be drowned in stress and negative emotions.

I said I wouldn't be writing for some time because, well, my internet has been shitty. Its shit. Makes me want to go back to my grandparents' house.

I mean, I knew my internet is shit, but not like this. Before I went to Jogja, I knew my internet is shit. It wasn't like this before. My dad explained that something not worth writing here happened that makes my internet shitty. I adapted, however, and got used to this slow connection.

My good friend came here several times and he unintentionally showed me how nice it is to have a decent connection. I know how it feels, at school, the internet is way better than it is at home.

I would gladly stay in school for it. But I don't like it there. The atmosphere, the environment, the people, the activities, I hate them. Maybe, for now, the only thing that made me go there is the fact that, for a moment, I can be alone. Away from friends and family. For a moment.

And decent internet.

My father works at a network service provider or something. If I need something to use for communication, sometimes he provided it for me. I know nothing about economy or anything related, but I think the company he works at is in the verge of collapsing.

This internet he provided used to be decent and reliable, but not anymore. I wanted to change, but this factor made me think that its a bad choice not to support my father's company. I want to stop supporting my father and get better internet. Whenever I show the signs of wanting it, such as talking about it, I can see a change of expression in his face. Stress emerges. Not long after he would mention about money, sometimes not discreetly.

Its normal to want to improve. Its normal to want to get better by leaving something behind, sometimes by hurting someone. In a game, often times you must kill to get stronger. And if that's the case sometimes you have to kill many. Its not right, but it isn't wrong either.

But then again, it might be just me being selfish.

One night, AriaFams discussed about the gathering, and how it got cancelled again. I was furious. Angry, sad, and confused. But I said to them, its okay. I'm not angry, just sad. Since then, I knew its not going to happen, but for some reason, I still wished for it to come true.

There were six of us. And life drove a barrier to separate us one by one. Sometimes slowly, to add to the pain.

Abby went to Australia, effectively cutting him off right from the beginning.

Jane rarely talked to us anymore. We knew it was because she has an old phone. But I, for one, felt something else. I'm pretty sure she's happy with her boyfriend. Talk a lot. In short replies. Spamming Twitter feeds. Their spam session is far and few in between but once it happens, its not just some light talk. In those times, why not talk to us? I don't have any reason other that what I've already said. Maybe if its not for Angel she would've forgotten about us. Or maybe she had already forgotten, and Angel was just there to remind her. She would then forget about us again soon after.

Since the new school year, Axel said he has joined several extracurricular activities at his school. The last time AriaFams held a meeting, he said he can't because of that. Not to mention he's in a formal school, unlike me. Imagine the amount of homework he gets. For Axel, I'm not so sure. He might. He might not. But I don't really care. For the most part, its because he's annoying. Joking around, unrelated to the topic. His shenanigans are not even funny to begin with.

The same goes for Audrey. She kept saying she got tons of assignments. She is also the one who wants this the most. Although sometimes, I feel like her optimism is there just to make us feel better. Cheering us up, again and again. Sometimes I feel she intentionally hides from the truth. Not accepting it. And sometimes, I wish she would stop. Don't you realize, the higher you fly, the more painful it is to fall?

Angel might be the biggest question mark out of all of them. Honestly, I know nothing about her or what's going on around her. Its like she's the only one that can. One thing that made her can't is that she can't go alone. She's a girl, its dangerous for any girl to go out alone. She said she can go IF Jane is also coming. But that's highly unlikely. I couldn't figure her out, so why should I care?

Me? I'm scared. I want us to gather but I don't know what must be done. I just have to be there. At some point I don't care if I have to beg to get there. At other times what I feel is fear. Its going to be awkward, or, what if they're late, or whatever. Being frantic, insecure, nervous and emotional at the same time.

Wednesday, August. 13/08/2014 06:46

Last night I vented some massive shit for a good hour and this morning, when I check this to vent some more, I see that the whole fucking thing wasn't saved. Thanks, shit network.

I'm in so much anger right now, I can't help but smile.

You know, in the days before my last trip to Jogja, I used to check on several websites and stuff regularly. See if there's something new.

My Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, Dissidia Forums, Facebook, Gmail, BlackBerry messenger, Line messenger.
Axel's Twitter and Blog. Jane's boyfriend's Blog. Angel's Twitter and Blog.
Audrey's Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Ask page, Tumblr page, her Blog.

There was never any significant changes. After my internet connection got shot down to hell, I stopped checking. Not long after, stuff starts to happen and things start to change. Frequency of activities rise and fall.

Axel said he entered a school where he's the only non-muslim student there. The validity of this statement is questionable. True or not, that's a pretty ballsy move. But who cares, right? He's probably lying.

Angel has set her eyes on another prey for her heart prison. Its easy to see that she's drowning in this sea called love. I have to watch my temper because things like this could get too hot, too fast. She's delusional. She talks about her crush everytime she gets the chance. And most of the time, she tries to connect whatever the fuck we're talking about with her crush.

Many boys in Audrey's class are hitting on her. This reminds me of Angel's word. Cutting open old wounds, this time, extra salty. Imagine the burn. Its not her fault, though. I'm too slow. Cupid should change his weapon from bow arrow to bitch slaps. Its painful and its going to bring your eyes back to reality.

A videogame character once taught me to mind my own business. "Looking out for information is good, but don't stick out your neck too much."

I stalked carefully, but I saw nothing. When I decided its time to jump out the window, I didn't just broke my neck.

Wednesday, August. 20/08/2014 18:14

You know what? I might have been too cruel on the wordings of some things I've written above. But I'm not gonna change it. I won't delete it.

If I do delete them, I might as well not write them in the first place. Those cruel sentences, those words shows how much I'm pissed off inside when I wrote them. I was angry.

If you're hurt, then I'm sorry.

I cannot make excuses like I didn't realize what I was saying because I was completely aware of what I was writing. I realize I was hurting you. And I kept writing.

Friday, August. 22/08/2014 17:02

You know, I feel blessed. I realize there are people out there who are suffering and dying and stuff.

This afternoon, after class I was supposed to go home but I stayed in class longer than I wanted to. I made a three way deal with Aditya and Naufal. Adit and I got new anime to watch from Naufal, Adit also got new PSP games from me. To execute the exchange,  I brought my PSP, Adit with his laptop, and Naufal with his external harddisk.

While I was waiting for Adit to finish copying. A girl came to my class, just to look around, and went back out. Her name is Devi. Why would you come to class after its finished? Its time to go home anyway, so why bother? Devi is from the class next door, where all the noisy kids reside. Before I came to like Audrey, I was keeping my eye on her.

I saw Devi went to her class and I came to visit moments later. She was working on the assignments given before class was over. I talked to her and we made small conversations. We, me, her, Adit. Heh. Well, not really. It was just me and her. But Adit came at the end of our conversation.

She told me about lots of stuff. I don't know if all her stories were true but if it is, its pretty damn sad, you know?

What do you feel when you are told that you're gonna have a sibling more that 15 years younger than you? Happy? Sad? Depends on the person.

She was listening to a song while working on the assignments. Bunda by Melly Goeslaw. Bunda means mother. She has always lived with her grandmother before, but for the last year she's living with her parents. She has been staying in their apartment for just about a year. She told me her mother is pregnant with her sibling. I was going to say that it was a good news until I took a look at her face.

Brown hair, white face, glassy eyes, red and runny nose. For as long as her mother had the baby, she's been bad to Devi. Always angry at her. Thinking that she's always right, being arrogant. Telling her to do stuff, like a slave driver. The baby might be a bringer of bad omen for Devi.

When we were almost done talking, I asked her, "Why come now? You should go home, class is over." All this time I thought she almost never came to school, while the truth that she told me is that she came to school everyday. But she never went to class, where all the noisy kids are. She said she can't concentrate, just like me.

She went in after class to study all by herself. I don't know what's the deal with her and her mother but she said she didn't go home for two days the first time she heard her mother was pregnant. Where'd she go to sleep in the night? Did she sleep in her car? I might never know the answer.

At the end of our conversation, Adit came in telling me that he's almost done copying the files. I don't know if it was because of Adit's presence in there or if its because she realized I was staring deeply at her face, but suddenly she started joking around trying to hide her tears.

It was painful to watch. A crying girl trying to be strong in front to you. She is so small, so cute. Like a little sister I never had. When Adit said he was done, I gave my pack of bubblegums to her and went home. I told her to keep it and give it back to me on Monday, and she can take some of the bubblegums. I wanna see her keep her word and come to school on Monday.

Sunday, August. 24/08/2014 21:00

Violent tense, bahasa kekerasan.

Pake language campuran dulu deh. 50/50 Indonesian English. Pala gw agak2 clouded nih.

Last night gw ga bisa tidur abis nonton Guardians of The Galaxy. BTW itu good movie. Gw duduk dikasur senderan ama bantal. Pala gw nempel ke tembok sambil asik chattingan  sama Audrey about random stuff gitu. Mulai dari gathering gagal sampe sibling 15 taun lebih muda dari lu. Lalu sampe tiba2 gw nanya soal... Someone from my past lah kira2 istilahnya. I don't know cara ngomongnya gimana.

Awalnya gw nanya dia kena gak sama a particular someone. Dari situ gw langsung kelewat emotional gitu entah kenapa. Dan entah kenapa somehow tiba2 gw nanya soal orang yg gw stab.

Dia ngejelasin katanya dia kenal sama my victim's girlfriend's sister kan. Sang sister ini ngeliat chat BBM gw sama Audrey, nanya dia kenal ama gw gak. Audrey bilang aj iya.

Gw udh ngerasa tense gitu. Tegang sekujur tubuh. Filled with stress gitu padahal gw ga tau bakal kejadian apa. Pas Audrey lagi cerita, gw minta dia buat stop, soalnya gw udh ngerasa ada bad feeling dateng. Tapi dia ngeduluin gw. Dia tulis kata temennya "Pacar kakak gue dia bante" gitu.

Seketika gw slam belakang pala gw ke tembok. Painful. Cukup sakit buat ngesuppress amarah sama memori yang keinget lagi. Every single memory from that day onward, surging into my head.

Lagi asik chat sama Audrey, let my guard down. Itu lagi tenang banget dah asli. Peaceful. Tapi tiba2 diserang sama kenangan gw yg gw kira udh gw throw away jauh2. Dia ngerasa guilty gara2 ngebuat gw nostalgia tapi gw bilang aj itu bukan salah dia. Emang bukan salah dia, dia kan ga bermaksud.

Buat calming down gw lanjut ngobrol aja ama dia. Biar lupa gitu kan. Forget it lah. Tapi chatnya juga salah, gw malah nyeritain past gw ke dia. Ngerasa pathetic gw sekarang. Biar masalah itu ga kita discuss lebih jauh, gw bilang gw mau tidur.

Sampe ga tau berapa jam setelah gw bilang goodnight ke Audrey, gw masih bangun. Pala gw masih sakit. Tapi ga sesakit ego gw yang udh baret tambah baret. Man, that night was a wild rollercoaster ride.

Wait, no. This month was a crazy rollercoaster disaster.

-Aex

OD 21: Second Guessing

Thursday, July. 24/07/2014 20:31

Yesterday was supposed to be the day AriaFams gather and make memories. It got cancelled yet again. I wasn't angry, just sad. I've waited long enough, you know? Damn.

Saturday, July. 26/07/2014 17:03

I am currently sitting on a couch on my father's grandparent's home, around 500 km away from my house. I'm supposed to live here for around a week to participate in traditions or something.

Its been a grueling 18 hours. Sitting on my butt (almost) without moving my leg until they felt numb. Food and internet shortage. Sleep deprivation. But its all worth it, really.

When I got here, the first thing that I realized is this place is filled with cool breeze. Feels like paradise, away from global warming. Second, the internet connection is twice as fast compared to my house. And the water is freezing here.

I departed at around 14:00 yesterday and got here at around 09:00 this morning. With only little time to rest, we immediately unpacked and got a bath then we were on our way to the hospital. My cousin's father is diagnosed with stroke or something, and today he was supposed to get a check up. When I met him, I saw stitches on the back of his head, and the top seemed to be swollen, filled with blood I guess. He had a surgery- if I'm not mistaken- to drain the blood out from his skull cavity. They had to cut his skull or something. Its not a pretty sight, I got freaking goosebumps. I might sound like I'm exaggerating, but still...

The internet here is pretty damn fast, I got myself into a download spree 5 minutes ago before my laptop needs to be charged. This is not what I had expected. I thought its going to be slow as hell, but it proved me wrong. Its going to be pretty slow when I'm on road trips and when I'm visiting my great grandparent's grave, though.

My family forgot to bring power outlets so we can only charge one thing at a time. The second option is to spread around the house to find other outlets. And the house is pretty big. Not as big as a mansion or something but maybe at least its twice the size of my house.

Sunday, July. 27/07/2014 22:48

Staying here makes me feel like a kid again. A feeling I thought I had forgotten. Did I say the water is freezing here?

Today was (for the most part) a lazy day. We've done nothing. I just play games on my PSP and watch YouTube all day on my phone. This afternoon, however, I was asked to help setup the dining place- I was asked to lift a table with dad. Move it into its place and stuff. The wood on the table felt kinda rough to the touch, my left hand hurts because of the heavy lifting. I thought I got a cut from the rough surface, but I didn't.

Its almost 11 now and there's almost no light at all in the house. In my room, there's just phone screen light and air conditioning LED light. I forgot how creepy this house can be at night- hell, this neighborhood itself is creepy without sufficient lighting. Tomorrow, we're gonna meet up with our relatives.

God gave us hot cousins to test us. No, not the male ones, the female ones. I've got many girl cousins but they're all way older than me. I've already got someone in mind anyway, so whatever.

Have I told you that my family- the four of us, are sleeping in one room? Me and my brother are technically sleeping on the floor, if its not for these thin beds. Mom and dad sleeps on the king bed. We're sleeping in dad's sister's bedroom.

I've gotta get up early tomorrow for idul fitri prayer, so I'm gonna sleep now. But I think its way too late, its already 11.

Tuesday, July. 29/07/2014 23:10

Me and my cousin are sleeping in the same bed. Nah, he's a guy. I can't sleep for some reason, so I decided to write instead even though I don't know what to write.

He's sleeping on my right side. I don't know if he's really sleeping though, or just laying there, trying to look like he's sleeping. You know, last year when I was here, this happened too. He slept on my left. This time, I'm the one who's awake and he's sleeping. Last year, when I was sleeping, he was chatting on Skype.

I am tired, but I can't sleep. What the hell is this...

This seems weird.

You know, I think I've been forced to be more social than I usually was. All these relatives I barely know came like a flashflood and washed me with torrents of interactions. From what happened yesterday, all I can remember is there were these two girls, or women, that came and talked to me and my brother instead of our elders. Aunt Icha and Yesi. Aunt, mind you. But they look like highschool girls, especially Yesi. Bluntly speaking, she's hot.

23:44

He's awake.

Wednesday, July. 30/07/2014 00:14

Yeah, long story short, we had a "who can be silent the longest contest" and I lost. Now, we're both on our phones.

Continuing the story above. Both Icha and Yesi are supposed to be my aunts, but they don't look like it. Icha is a big, chubby and outgoing women, doesn't act her age at all. Yesi, she's beautiful but talks less than what seems to be her sister. They don't look like anything that can be described as an aunt, really.

They talked to me and my brother about our education, what university we're aiming for. This conversation is common subject among relatives, but we're talking about it as if we're the same age. With jokes and stuff. Actually, my brother does most of the talking. I only talk about what needs to be said and some small jokes. I passed almost all question to my brother.

02:33

I've been watching anime because I can't sleep. The laptop died halfway through the episode, what a drag. I can't even remember which one it was.

I took a piss. When I got out, I heard noises. At first I thought it was water dripping, but then I realized its from the TV room, its from the TV. It was granddaddy. I thought he fell asleep while watching TV, I remembered seeing him there before going to my room at 10. I asked him what's going on, he said he was just watching TV after pissing. Why didn't he go to sleep? He didn't fell asleep either like I had thought previously. When I approached him silently, he pointed his flashlight at me, meaning he must be awake.

Regardless, he told me to get some rest. So I got back and write this. Weird stuff, man. Anyway, I'm gonna crash the bed now. If I can.

18:04

Right after the sun reached its peak on top of my head, I'm starting to get a bit disoriented. The effect of taking only three hours of sleep has taken its toll on me. I survived, however. Tomorrow, we're going to the graves of our ancestors so I need to sleep early. Let's see if I can.

Saturday, August. 02/08/2014 09:38

I got a cold yesterday right after Friday prayer, and this morning I woke up with a killer migraine I guess.

Last night AriaFams got into a random chat spree. We talked about how our gathering on the 3rd is canceled. About how Audrey said she's going to move out to some place after her graduation because of her father. About pizza. About an Avatar the legend of Aang parody. Wishing Jane to be able to afford a nice cellphone. And some other stuff that I can't put in English.

Last night I realized something, Angel and I have more things in common than I am with Audrey. Probably because she asked me about a lot of things, about the stuff I like. And because I forced Star Wars and X-Men onto her.

Well, in the end she likes both of them. But still, forcing something onto someone isn't right. It doesn't matter from what point of view you see it, its unjustifiable. You know what they say, "if you have to use force, its rape."

But what if I was to be with her? Probably not. I might get my life sucked outta me. An active and social lifestyle doesn't fit me well. I imagined myself as a doll, with her dragging me along wherever she goes.

Today I'm going home but dad's car is having problems. My phone battery is dying too. So, until next time.

Monday, August. 04/08/2014 09:15

After 32 hours on the road, I'm finally home. No time to rest, though. I only got 5 hours of sleep last night. I'm so incredibly tired right now, you wouldn't even believe me. I'll try to stay active through the day. I'm currently at school now.

10:55

At home, the air is so freaking hot in comparison to my grandparents' place. And the water isn't as cold. The internet isn't as fast. I sweat through my jacket as if I just jumped to a pool with full clothing. But man, it feels good to be home.

Tuesday, August. 05/08/2014 10:38

Its been only 2 days of school and I'm already fed up with it. I can't keep with the curriculum. I can't focus in class. I can't study, I don't want to. I don't know anymore.

I look around me and I see more "troubled teens" than "kids with special needs." This isn't a place to help kids with disabilities anymore, its a containment area for troubled teens.

I might not write anything for a while. Take care.

[Fiction] Players - Prologue: ~My Friend~

   Prologue: ~My Friend~

   –A narration of the prologue of the story from the main character's friend's point of view.–

   My name is Fynsel, and this is not my story.

   Almost eight months ago, my friend's father died. It was a peaceful morning. My friend and I were supposed to meet up near the monorail station, I used to pick him up. He had to take the monorail everyday because he lives at a faraway place but that day his father had a business appointment outside of Pangaea and he had some free time before going to the airport, so he went to school with his father by car before departing for the plane.

   Before I went to the monorail with my motorcycle, my friend told me to meet up at the school building instead and so I went to school. The distance from his house to the monorail is farther than the monorail to school, and I live in between the monorail and school so I don't have to take the train. The rest of the morning went by normally, there was no way we would know of the tragedy that was coming.

   In the middle of class session, my friend got a phone call and he asked for permission to answer it outside. I was just returning from the toilet when I saw him getting out.
   "Hey, what's up?" He just gestured me to lower my voice.
   "Just a phone call. Get in the class."

   Then he answered it. Before I got in I was tidying my uniform and as I was entering the class, suddenly I heard rapid footsteps. I peeked out and saw him running, he dropped his phone by the door. "Lyn? Oy, Lyn!"

   All the other classmates had already went out to see what was going on that made him run like crazy. I picked up his phone and put it in my pocket. I heard some students chat.

   "Is he skipping class?"
   "I don't know. Still, its not like him to do that."

   "Fyn," My attention was diverted to the teacher who called me.
   "Chase after him and get him back to class."
   I nodded and went down to take my motorcycle. I saw him running down the road and caught up with him.
   "Oy Lyn, What are–"
   "Fyn, thank god." Before I got the chance to say anything, he hopped on my motorcycle.
   "Hurry, take me to the hospital. I'll explain on the way."

   I was confused, and if I did what he asked for it would mean I helped him skip class. "But–"
   "Go, god damn it!" After that I went as fast as I can while dodging traffic on the way.

   "My father got in a car accident..." When we were halfway there, he opened a conversation.
   "They say he was in a critical condition. The other crashed from his right side."
   "That's the driver's seat, right? My god..."

   I was shocked, and then I remembered that his father is his only living relative with the exception of his divorced mother. I thought I understand why he left class, I felt like this when my sister died too. "Lyn, we're here." When we arrived at the hospital, he jumped off the motorcycle and ran into the building.

   I went inside after parking and asked one of the nurses if there's any white haired teenager that looks like he was on a hurry and one of them led me to a room. It was the emergency unit.

   "He went inside this room. You're his friend, right? Please calm him down."
   "Huh? Okay."

   After the nurse walked away, I opened the door. I saw him kneeling down beside a bed, he was crying. In the bloodstained bed was his father, he had already died when we reached the hospital.

   –Thursday, 28th of November 2B93, 09:10, Anderson Seth Light, father of Lynmere Zerres Light, died at the age of 41.–

   The nurse wanted my friend to identify the body and after seeing him cry I'm sure the nurse understand. For the following week he couldn't get over his father's death, or so I thought. There's more to it than that but I never knew what.

   Two weeks after his father's death, on Sunday, he opened his father's will. He was left with his father's mansion and riches, and was given the position of president of his father's company. I was invited by him to his mansion when he opened the will and when I heard the contents, I thought he would be happy but he wasn't. He fell silent afterwards and told me to go home.

   "Why? Lyn, I know its hard but you have to move on, man." I tried to cheer him up but I heard a sob instead. I kinda panicked.
   "Look at the bright side, Lyn. You got a huge mansion and-"
   "Go home, Fyn. Please..."
   "Okay. I'm really sorry, Lyn."

   Life went on, Lyn did not. For the next 2 months, my friend hasn't been himself, he looks ill and exhausted. I thought he was harming himself in subtle manners such as undereating and overexercising. We tried to help but he was just stubborn. He cut us off. Not only me but also is best friends. He even won't reply to short mails or chats in videogame lobbies. He goes online often, maybe to channel his sadness.

   After the end semester exam passed he suddenly disappeared. He took off into another school without saying goodbye. His mansion was taken care of by the landowner. I heard he gave his position as the company's president to the vice president whose son is good friends with Lyn in his new school. It sounds just like him, he never enjoys being tied down by responsibilities.

   Today is Saturday, 2 days before graduation vacation ends. Yesterday I received a short mail from Lyn saying to meet him in an online game Saturday night. And so I turned on my computer and...

   Prologue: ~My Friend~
   End

—————
24/07/2014

It is done! Holy s*it. The prologue for Players, my original fiction. Fun fact: the first chapter was already done before I wrote the prologue, and when I made this I made some changes to chapter 1 and the universe of this fiction. Changes made: changed main character's name, overall plot change. Damn.

Chapter 1 is now in the works. Don't wait for me to finish it because its gonna take a hell of a lot of time.

What do you think? If you have anything to say, critics, suggestions, comments, just put it on the comment box below and I'll try to read the from time to time. *crosses fingers*

Please please please PLEASE tell me if you found any plot holes in the fiction that I might have accidentally made. It would really help me improve and make better stories with solid scripts.

Other than that, I guess there's nothing else to say.

-Aex

OD 20: Survival Mode!!!

Monday, July. 07/07/2014 22:06

Alright guess what, I broke my PSP again. Yes the new one. Its not a cosmetic or hardware damage but software error. I can't play games now. Seriously.

I was configuring a line of code to be used by a cheat software but when I saved it the whole thing shuts off and there you have it. I tried a quick fix but it didn't work so I gave up. Might as well try again tomorrow.

I might not play PSP anymore for some time as i try to find a way to fix it. I just hope i don't have to ask dad to bring it to a shop or something. He'll be mad for sure.

Tuesday, July. 15/07/2014. 19:45

After almost 2 months of absence, I finally went to the pool again. Boy, did I miss this place. It wasn't as nice as I expected though. Despite the day's scorching sun, the pool water was freezing!

What's up with that?

Dad said it was from hypersensitivity. Since I'm fasting the whole day, my internal organs had very few activities. No food to process and stuff. So, I guess I became more sensitive to external stimuli.

I started going to school again since last week. My class placement is in between the XII grade IPS class and X grade class. The noises they make, they drive me nuts! I can't concentrate on studying- hell, I can't focus on anything with that kind of distraction. Its going to be a long school year...

Starting this week, I'll go to school 5 days a week. I call this full schedule instead of normal schedule because I usually went 3 days a week This transition is because I'm on the final sprint to university. We need to pass the final exam and because of that we must go all out on studying.

There's been no progress on the fanfics, sorry guys. Its just- I got lazy. Yes, I got lazy. I never made a promise to post it for you. I write them if I want to.

Wednesday, July. 16/07/2014 17:09

I just finished taking a shower. Oh my god.

When I was stripping my clothes off a frEAKING COCKROACH SHOWED UP OUT OF NOWHERE AND CLIMBED UP MY LEFT LEG THEN IT FELL AND CLIMBED THE WALL BUT IT FELL AND IS NOW UPSIDE DOwn oh my god.

I bathed as fast as humanly possible. Dear god, I feel like chopping my left leg off now.

Today was only half a good day. It started off nice and ended in a not-so-nice manner.

I woke up kind of late but the morning was nice. I could study comfortably. Truly, I wished some mornings stayed forever. We were studying literature and for some reason, it wasn't boring. I loved every second of it. When the break time comes, Adit took out his laptop. The second he did that, I felt a bad feeling coming. So I watched YouTube the whole time to shake it off. Next, math. And this too, for some unknown reason, felt so nice. I've encountered no math problems at all. How amazing is that?

But in the middle of the lesson, an IPS kid came to my class. I haven't told you yet, huh? This guy's name is Ray. He was some kind of a kid celebrity and he was from my school before I dropped out. I knew him long before I created this blog. I hate him.

After he entered the class he spoke to Adit but I couldn't hear them because of my earphones. The next thing I knew, he's playing FIFA on Adit's laptop! In my class! In the middle of a lesson! With sounds turned up high!

At this point I started having problems with my math exercise. Let's just skip this part and say I couldn't focus and got mad. Big time. But I held it all inside, no more violence. I've lost all my will to study. Tank's empty, bro. Then, when the lesson's over, more IPS kids went in and made a racket. Oh for heaven's sake...

When the next teacher came we were supposed to study biology but there's not enough time to do a full lesson, so we worked on an exercise instead. I made it half-assed. I didn't care anymore. I also went home early and disobeyed the teacher's command to stay in class.

I was in a foul mood at home. I felt horrible. But I expected a long time friend to visit me after school and it made me happy. His name is Rizky and, like Ray, he's from my old school and I've known him for a long time.

When I was sitting around in my parent's room waiting for him, he informed me that he couldn't come and he'll tell me when he can come. I turned my laptop on and my phone off to charge it and watch some anime to make me feel better. Before I knew it, dad went home early and was knocking on the door.

21:13

Around two hours ago, Angel chatted me about something. Apparently, she met someone she knew from a Pokémon group in her new school and she got close to him. Axel knew this guy too because the three of them are its members. Put it simply, she talked to me and gave screenshots about Axel talking with this guy. His name is Sindhu. From Angel's point of view, they're both badmouthing her, basically. Then she wanted me to help her and talk to Axel. Man to man. I don't want to do it that way so I decided to be an arbitrator.

I immediately went to the group chat to resolve this problem. As an arbitrator I have to be firm and unbiased. After pulling Axel out of hiding, the trial began. It was resolved peacefully with Axel telling Angel that it was merely a joke but it did looked like they were about to badmouth her. Angel accepted the statement but I think she isn't that satisfied with Axel's statement.

It wasn't really the best feeling in the world, to be firm and harsh to someone close to you. But I had to dispatch the problem swiftly to suppress any additional damage that could potentially drive us apart.

Things like this makes me sad. To start it all off, I didn't have that many friends. I've been alone for so long. For me, adapting to sudden changes like moving out means losing a lot of friends. Knowing them was a great achievement and it feels good when you know you had found some wonderful friends. I love them all. Audrey, Angel, Axel, Jane.

When this group was first founded, I was looked upon as a father figure. I don't know why. Still, I wanted to be serious about it. I might not be able to be a great leader, let alone a father of many children. But I wanted to be a father of this group. To have a family. To have someone. I don't want us to be torn apart.

I might not be able to stand any more losses in my life. I don't want to lose anyone anymore. I've felt lonely enough. Don't add any more pain.

But I knew deep down, this world isn't gonna be fair. You can't expect a lion not to attack you if you're not attacking them. The world doesn't work that way. I'll just have to endure the dramas.

Friday, July. 18/07/2014 19:44

Heya, school's over and vacation is just around the corner. Its just for 2 week, but its a vacation nonetheless.

For the last 2 weeks I've been tortured by the other class' idiocy. I know they're not all idiots and jerks, but that's what I see in those classes. Because the non-idiots are so silent and can be rarely seen at all, what I see is what's left of it, the idiots.

They're all so noisy and annoying, its been just 2 weeks but I'm already fed up with their shenanigans. I don't know if I can't stand them for the next 11 months. I don't know if I can survive their idiocy...

Well, whatever.

With a week to spare before the Idul Fitri holiday, AriaFams discussed about holding a gathering. The schedule haven't been set in stone yet but there's a possibility from Tuesday to Thursday. The only thing that haven't been discussed is the time. Actually, the gathering location has not been decided too but I'll suggest them to use our previous location in our last discussion.

I'm not really hyped for this vacation, to be honest. I'm only excited for the gathering, if it comes to pass. The following week after that, however, isn't something that I'm necessarily excited about. Its just a boring old tradition in our family. Visit the graves of our ancestors and pray for them. Have a feast with our grandparents. Meet our distant relatives. Its all in our tradition. I'll just have to endure the boredom.

The only thing that I like in this vacation is the fact that we're going out of town. We're gonna stay in our grandparents' house. And, I'm going to meet my favorite cousin of all time, Adrian. Though, I'm not as excited as I thought I would. I wonder why...

Ah, in this vacation there's going to be a shortage of signal because we're staying in a semi secluded location. And with that, I'll try to write instead of lurking on social medias.

Okay then, I guess I have nothing more to talk about. We can talk about the coming weeks, about the gathering and the vacation, but I'll save it for the next entry. I'll post this one later tonight.

Bye, for now.

-Aex

OD 19: Sentiments and love at the entrance of 12th grade.

Friday, June. 27/06/2014 00:05

Hey, its me again. Its only been about a week since the last post. I'm not supposed to write again this early to give some space in between posts but whatever. I'll just post this later like always.

In the last post I mentioned about AriaFams meeting on the 3rd of July, but it got canceled entirely. Tomorrow, Muslims are going to enter the month of Ramadhan. Muslims are required to do fasting for more or less a month. Because of this, the plan must be changed. On the 23rd, we discussed for a while and decided to cancel it altogether. Audrey and I can't go because we're Muslims, Axel got monetary issues (actually, we all did. But for the rest of us it wasn't the main problem), and Jane got some unknown issues but she can't go anywhere this month because of it. Which set the problem in stone and made me decide to cancel it. Yes, I was the one who made the decision.

Funny isn't it? I was the one who planned the whole thing and I was the one who canceled it.

When the plan got canceled, we were all sad. Well, that's what I believed. I don't know what the others felt but I was definitely sad because of two reasons.

One, I made a promise to make all the AriaFams members to gather at one place after 9th grade graduation. Get to know each other, spend some time together, have fun, and make memories. It was promise I can't fulfill, and it left a bitter taste on my mouth.

Two, I can't meet Audrey. This hurt me more than it should have. I've been waiting to meet her, officially and formally. She did say I could meet her at the pool at Tuesdays but I think it would be so, so awkward and we wouldn't always be at the pool. So this plan is kind of unreliable.

But hey, good things happened too, you know. Well, maybe just one. Either way, it was a miracle.

I passed, BARELY. So here it is, 7 scores, one for each subject. If I don't pass 3 of them, I won't pass. I passed 5 of 7 subjects. I didn't pass chemistry and physics. They both need a minimal of maybe 70. I can't remember which is which, but I got 63 and 68. I barely escaped because of math. If I remember correctly, I need 70 to pass and I got 71. It was a miracle. I thought, "Thank God I passed."

12:36

I stopped writing to use google translate, ended up browsing a lot of gaming forums, ended up to my usual gaming forum, and when I wanted to write a reply the battery died on me. I couldn't sleep afterwards.

Wednesday, July. 02/07/2014 07:28

It seems the update I wrote on Monday wasn't saved. What a drag. Well, it was just a short update but the thing that pissed me off is the rewriting and the missing vent part. I vented some stuff yesterday.

— Section for Desktop User —

On Sunday I changed the layout of the blog. I changed the template and the background. Changed the song playlist. Deleted the snow effect.

— Section End —

11:47

I've got nothing to do, so let's write because I've been wanting to do it but I'm too lazy.

I think I'm not deaf anymore and that's always a good news.

The girl that I attacked, Jacinda, resigned from the homeschooling community. I promised everyone I'm going to apologize to her. I want to, and and I have to, but I can't now. There's something that I haven't tell anyone about that incident. At the day I was given a scolding by my parents, they wanted me to visit my psychiatrist again starting the next day.

I arrived at the hospital with my brother and my parents. When I was waiting for my turn, I saw Jacinda. My family and I were sitting on the far right side, facing the doctor's office. I was talking to Bayu when I saw her sitting on the far left side. Kinda far, and I didn't bring my glasses so I wasn't so sure but I knew she looked back at me. I was worried she would get angry, or cry, or something. I don't know, really. But instead she smiled.

I looked down, trying to calm down. If I panic my parents would see her and that won't be good. Some time has passed and about half an hour before my turn, I looked at her seat and she wasn't there. I looked at somewhere around my back and there she is, sitting behind my mother. I only took a glimpse but I'm sure its her. She saw me too, smiling.

To this day, I haven't seen her since. I was sure she came to the parent's meeting too because we looked at each other, but the teacher said she didn't come. My mind might be playing tricks on me.

Maybe this is what people mean when they say "I owe you an apology."

21:42

So I went to Audrey's social medias to check on her (or stalking, if you prefer. Whatever) and when I went to her ask(dot)fm page, there is a question about my fanfiction, saying that I lied about making it because there's no news about it whatsoever. So I'm going to do an explanation.

— Explanation Start —

Here's the deal: I planned to make the fanfic to be as long as 12 chapter according to the draft but I don't know how to make it happen. So the first step is to make the short version of the story and I'll have to cut it into 12 parts and work from there. So far the short one is about 3 chapters long.

As I made chapter 1 (I plan to change some parts later), I forgot to make a prologue, so I made one (currently a work in progress). And as I made the prologue I thought of great new ideas to put into the story but it means I'll have to rewrite chapter 1 to incorporate those ideas. I'm afraid it would happened every so often that I would have to rewrite all the chapters as new ideas show up.

I've made a rough sketch (early draft?) of chapter 2 but I won't finalize it until I finish the prologue and chapter 1 because its prone to changes due to new ideas.

Not all of the inspiration are directly made into story, some of them I kept as new drafts for concepts of the story's universe. After writing for some time I realized it became so complicated and decided to make a second series based on the current story's already provided elements. Of course, I would start making it after I'm done with this one, writing two stories simultaneously is difficult. Mostly because I'm an amateur writer.

— Explanation End —

tl;dr? Writing is hard. 'Nuff said.

Saturday, July. 05/07/2014 22:20

I don't really have anything to write here at the moment but I wrote this anyway because, I feel lonely. Whenever I open this app on my phone, I've felt like there's someone behind the screen. Somewhere, reading this. Makes me feel less lonely.

Its been very lonely since the start of Ramadan, not that its a bad thing or anything. It was to be expected because most people I know would be trying to save energy. Its just that I don't like feeling lonely.

AriaFams have been so quiet, we don't talk much anymore. Overall, there's not much talk, either there or in other places like Twitter or Facebook or anywhere, really. I haven't talked to Audrey for some time too, and it made me think.

I wanted to talk to her, but about what subject? I don't know. We could just talk about random things. Maybe I'm just too shy. I'm not a good talker and I'm not a big fan of talking anyway. Whenever I talk, sometimes, someone would interrupt.

Audrey and I don't have much in common, I guess. We like different things. Angel talked to me about this long ago, saying that diversity is good. Saying that, why do I have to like the same things as her to like her? Do I have to like the same thing? If I have to, then why did God made all humans different?

I still love her, but don't like to use the word love. Makes my face red. I do love her, I care for her. But for what reason? I don't know, maybe I don't have any reason. I just do. My mother calls this kind of thing as unconditional love. Affection without reason. Don't think, just do. I stayed silent about it, didn't talk to her even if I want to. Instead, I watch her from a distance. Maybe the proper term is stalking. But I'm glad, I'm happy.

I guess its different for every person, huh?

On Tuesday I'll enter 12th grade. That's right, my vacation is over. But school is just for a short time too, I guess. After one or two weeks, its Ramadan holiday.

My life had taken so many twists and turns. I remember when I first entered middle school I thought I would have an unappealing, average, ordinary life. And a humble, ordinary death. When I did the stabbing, I thought "this is it, the life in prison awaits me." But I was saved. My body was saved, but my mind and soul is still suffering. Then, I found Audrey.

I think she might have indirectly affected who I am. Before I realized my feelings, sometimes I think "if I do this, I might look bad in her eyes." for no reason. I tried to change, to be a good person, a better man.

And then, I graduated middle school, and got to 12th grade, waiting to graduate highschool and enter college. I might've never made it this far if it wasn't for her, really.

"I owe all this to her."

Or so I wanted to say. If I did, then it wouldn't be fair. This is all wouldn't happen without the help of my parents too. Thank you for being patient with me and my temper. And thanks for whoever else that needed to be thanked too because I'm too lazy to write them.

But really, thanks, Audrey.

OD 18: Free Falling

Wednesday, June. 11/06/2014. 13:21 / 01:21 pm.

Hey people its me again. Just to let you know, I might not pass the exam. Yeah. And I'm pretty sure about it this time around.

You know, after all this I've only realized it now, I've become what I detest. A stupid person. I've always thought that I was a better person than all of my classmates, but it all changed after I entered highschool.

Before I entered 9th grade I was above average on everything, or at least, that's what I want to believe. When I entered this homeschooling community, I was already a second best in class. It was good, great. But still, It was not good enough for me. When I tried to climb, I became third best. Third out of five people. The first is Prabowo, he has social anxiety if I remember correctly. I was second to him because the rest of the class sucked. But then there's a newcomer, Ibrahim, and I became second to him. It makes me go into third place. Its as if the harder I try to climb up the ranks, the odds are stacked against me even more. After I graduated and entered 10th grade, the positions were reset and its a free for all battle.

In 10th grade I was number one, it was the time of my life. Maybe the only period of time in my life that I would look back to and refer to it as my golden days. But halfway through, I fell. I became second to Aditya, the one previously sitting in second place. It was only by a slight difference. When I enter 11th grade, my position was dropped even lower with the addition of Izmy and Naufal. I was 4th, and my grades were not that much different than those who goes to school only to hang out. And now, after the metal chair incident, its not only my grades are low. People started to fear me. They backed away, its a logical thing to do.

If I'm to be classified into one of the school stereotypes, I wouldn't fit anywhere. The smart ones? Nah man. The jerks? No way. Nerds are usually smart and it naturally attracts other nerds. The same goes for the jocks, but they're not smart, they just attract other people with their douchebagness. I wouldn't fit into neither of them.

Wednesday, June. 18/06/2014. 23:31 / 11:31 pm.

Have you read what I've written above? When I see it, I just want to erase all of it. I don't want to make myself look bad in front of the audience but then again its my vent and I won't lie to you boys and girls, I'm ashamed to have wrote that. I wanted to make you see what I thought that day.

Or any day, for that matter. Before the stuff above, there are actually stuff I've deleted before I published it. I wrote them, then I erase them because it makes me look bad. What a joke.

Is this what I've been searching for? Publication? Fame and popularity? Yes! But then again, no! Let's say, I did something that made me the center of attention but then I play "hard-to-get" to them.

My breath smells like a drugstore and it makes me want to puke. This sickness makes me look like an addict for using so many medicine. Its just a common cold but its not healing after 2 weeks so I was brought to the hospital. The doctor said I was blowing my nose too hard so the mucus went up a small tube that connects the nose and the ear, making the insides swollen. My left ear is almost deaf, its weird.

Everything is weird. Lately, nothing seems to be right. I feel as if everyone around me getting away, being distant, and disappearing. I felt like the ceiling is crashing down upon me as the ground breaks and falls apart. Suddenly, everything changes. What is everything?

You know there are stuff like automated responses, muscle memory, reflexes, or whatever, right? This might be the first time I mentioned my brother's name.

Almost everyday, I tried to make small talks to Bayu. Whether he's lying on the sofa with his phone or playing in front of the computer, I tried to get his attention. For the reader's convenience, I tried to translate most sentences into English. "Hey, what are you building?" If Bayu is playing Minecraft. "What are you browsing?" If he's on the sofa. Most of the time its just "I'm making/watching/reading something." And I replied with something short too and that's it. On other times he gave a full answer and made a topic we could talk about. On other times he would ignore me. Every time he ignores me I though "okay then I'll ignore you too." But then I do it again later. "Hey."

"Hey son, how's your day?" When mother came home she would almost instantly ask this to me and Bayu. Back then it would be "how's your day? How's school?" Now its just "hey." I think my mind and mom's are getting distant.

Friday, June. 20/06/2014. 14:40 / 02:40 pm.

Today I was supposed to the hospital for mental check up, but the doc was fully booked so its cancelled. Tomorrow is the day I'm worried about though. Parent's meeting at my school, my plummeting grades, you get the idea.

I tried to not think about tomorrow by living in the now. Angel had been a great help, she asked me stuff about Star Wars last night. This morning I planned to watch the entire saga from 1-6. But the CDs are missing and I wasted my morning for it.

Next Wednesday, Ariafams are going to meet up in a mall. I'm glad I made that decision to gather all five of us in one spot and get to know each other. Its just that, I'm not used to doing these kinds of things. But I can't let them down, I don't want to be the one to disappoint them. After all, I'm the one who wanted it.

Thinking about the stuff above made me think about another thing, will I have enough money? I don't want to make myself look like I'm not grateful. I am grateful with what I have, with what my parents had provided. But sometimes, I feel like I want more. I can't help it.

When I go out to school or wherever, I see people having this stuff, that stuff, bla bla bla. I want them too, some of it. But I don't want to ask my parents for it. I'm already troublesome enough with the problem I cause, my attitude,what I did to people. Its pitiful.

I'm sorry.

Now, like any other times if I'm not going anywhere, I lock myself in my parent's room for the day. I turn on the fan and the TV, turned the volume up so no one outside can hear the inside. I usually watch anime on my laptop, or play the PSP, or write these entries, or simply watch the TV.

I really treasure this alone time. I like being alone, but I don't like feeling lonely. I don't have the ability to go out and go somewhere, to get out of the house and disappear to a place where I can be alone. Usually on Wednesdays I go out to swim alone because Bayu is still in school. I swim and swim, enjoying being alone in a place where no one knows me. It feels great!

I haven't been swimming for several weeks because of my sickness and the exams the week before. I miss the water, you know?

23:01 / 11:01 pm.

Tonight has gone to shit. Dad came home angry. Because of me, obviously. Who else could it be, right? Heh.

As I said earlier, there's a parent's meeting tomorrow. Because there was a lack of information, everyone got confused, and the situation heats up. Its my fault. I should've told them there were going to be a PM. I did tell them, just not detailed enough because I don't know either. When? Tomorrow. When exactly? I don't know. Where? I don't know. Probably not in the school building, though I'm not sure either.

The Ariafams meeting encountered some problems too. The date has been moved to the 3rd of July. And everyone has the same problem – money. I don't know about them, but this time I'll ask my parents for money like a greedy teenager in movies.

I'm not the one who created the group and decided to call it Ariafams. I forgot who made it, but I remember it was first called #ariabagasfams.

Dad got up and told me to sleep. 23:11, 11:11. The 1111 wish. Do you know it? I don't, and I don't believe in it either. But maybe, for once. I wish... I don't know. I really don't. I couldn't just wish for all my problems to disappear. That would mean I wish for my parents to be gone. My brother to be gone. My school to be gone. My fears and lies to be gone. I can't. I don't want to fall further.

I wish for a miracle to happen. Anything. Please.