Thursday, November. 13/11/2014 10:00
I thought I got it all figured out. I thought I could get away with anything by lying, but that isn't the case.
It all started long ago, way before exams week on September. As usual Adit, Naufal and Izmy talks about gadget and money, and I somehow got baited into joining their conversation. While they all talk away, I seriously felt so attacked and inferior due to not having anything in common with them, and if I do, it is outdated. My phone, for example.
So I made a big talk, saying I would buy a PS Vita and dad would help with the money if I score at least the third highest on mid semester exam, and I did scored the third highest, with Izmy sitting in the number one place. With that out of the way I got asked when I will buy it and I said before the beginning of the second semester.
The problem is, I never said any of this to my dad. I got myself stuck in this big pile of shit. This Vita problem got carried away until now. With tryout week just around the corner and end semester exam on the first of December, I got so stressed out.
Only recently, Naufal said he's going to buy a Vita on the 20th of November, next week, and Adit began to aggressively boast that he'll be buying it too, soon. He started to talk about anything and everything related to it. The handheld, the games, accessories, anything. I don't know what to do, or rather, say. I feel offended.
Since the day I said I would buy it, I started saving up money. I had this absurd feeling of having to prove what I said to them. But as time went on that feeling faded, along with my passion to write these entries, write fictions, and draw stuff. I feel so messed up inside for taking that bait.
I've never felt so conflicted.
I started running away. Trying not to think about it. I thought about what to do with the money I saved up. To spend it on something other than a Vita. I browsed online for tablets so I could draw better, but then its all about the money all over again. About consumptive lifestyle. "I want to have more." But for what?
A few weeks ago my brother started talking about wanting a motorcycle. Its kind of like my problem. Most of his friends got motorcycles, most of my friends got up to date gadgets. With new stuff comes a whole lot of adaptation. Adaptation isn't something I'm good at, either.
Sunday, November. 16/11/2014 21:00
Tomorrow is the first day of tryout exams. I'll be doing exams from the department of education (or as I like to call it, student enslavers) for 3 days. And before the first day began I've already embarrassed myself by asking what materials to study while its obviously all of them. From the 10th grade all the way to the 12th.
Let's just talk. About anything.
I can't take it. I admit that I can't take it. I admit that I've surrendered before the fight even began. With little time I have left I drowned myself in my imagination, in how things should've turned out, which is in my favor.
Accompanied by a music track put on repeat, I've been listening to this tune for maybe 3 days. This is tune speaks to me. Daydreaming Again (Words Drowned by Fireworks) by Pot Hocket. It, to a certain degree, separated me from the world around me, covering my sense of hearing and giving me a peaceful moment and more focus.
You know, I pictured myself as a bipolar person but I don't know if that's true or not. I don't even understand what it is other than having 2 personalities. I'm delusional. Do you know what I've been doing in most of my free time as of late? I've been daydreaming. I'm not really that smart, I just thought I do. As with my gaming skills, and all the other stuff that don't actually matter.
The first time I met Adit in 10th grade, I view him as a person much like me. Into gaming and stuff. I looked up to him, saw him as some kind of an idol figure. I wanted to be like him. But now I despise him. Its weird how 2 years of time can change you.
Maybe its just me not able to accept that he eventually bested me in every aspect and I cannot fight back. In chatting applications I ended up hiding him from my chat list and timelines and blocked him from my posts. And sometimes I went to his profile and stalk him just to hurt myself, not knowing why I had to do that. I just did.
I have run out of things to talk about with all of you boys and girls. I won't stop writing these entries as they are a part of me, and these are also my lifeline as, in times of confusion and when I'm down or depressed, I came back here to tell you my stories. I just wanted to let all of you boys and girls out there that it's been a pleasure. Talking to all of you gives me freedom, a room to breath.
Friday, November. 21/11/2014 22:56
Its one hour before midnight, and I just got home from the hospital for my mental checkup, or as I like to call it, "konsul." I was supposed to meet the doctor 2 weeks ago but dad forgot about our appointment there. I talked to her about maybe roughly 80% of what I've already written here. Like about how for 3 days I've been working on some exams, all of which I might fail. Especially math, physics, and chemistry. About money problems, such as the Vita. And some other things that I didn't write here because my parents might read them. Especially Dad.
Wednesday, November. 26/11/2014 19:42
Did you know? Yesterday I got trapped in a lift, twice. I was going down to get something to eat, and Detu joined me to the lift. There were only the two of us when the door closed and suddenly the lights flickered and the lift went dark for a very long 1 second. I panicked, I froze there, standing. Detu on the other hand decided to scream for help in that cramped space. His screams pierced my ears. The power went back on and the door opened, we got out of there and I went back to class to check the lights, its still on. I went back to the lift and Detu went in first. This time the power went out completely and we were stuck inside in the darkness. I was shocked and couldn't remember anything afterwards but we got out eventually.
An hour later, Audrey called me. I was going to class from the toilet. Her timing was so precise. As I was just about to open the door, my phone rang. So I took some steps backwards and answered it. It was the weirdest conversation ever, and I ended up chatting her in the group chat behind my teacher's back. She said she can make it to the gathering. What gathering? I thought.
She explained that both Angel and herself are free this Sunday and they wanted to meet up in a big mall nearby. I instantaneously became a nervous wreck in front of my friends. Naufal and Izmy said that I should be myself. But that's not the problem, the problem is only 3 out of 5, including me, are able to go and meet up since its hard to contact Jane and Axel never replied. This resulted in a threesome. Audrey, Angel, and myself. I couldn't talk in front of my friends without stuttering like a kouhai giving a gift to her senpai. Oh god. Anyway, let's get a move on.
This afternoon I chatted Audrey about the schedule of our gathering but it still hasn't been set in stone yet. When I was on my way home, the sky decided to give an early bath by raining quite heavily on me on my way home. What a day. When I got home I immediately changed clothes and went to watch some anime. I watched and watched, but suddenly one of the videos got its audio mixed up and resulted in unsynchronized and terrible voices. I turned my laptop off, tired of it all, and decided to try and sleep instead.
To my surprise, Audrey chatted me. She wanted to talk to me about jovita. How she copied not only Audrey's ideas but many other people in Instagram for her drawings. I was mad, somehow. I almost spilled water on my laptop because I was unconsciously gripping the water bottle so hard when she explained all these stuff. I eventually drew something on my phone to distract myself. I chatted Angel and Audrey that I'm angry and suddenly the chat went silent. Too much?
Sunday, November. 30/11/2014 22:20
Did you know? Yep, our gathering was once again canceled. I was so sad. I was so sad. I had the perfect plan. Well, this plan wasn't actually made by me but by my maid.
One second. We have to call her in a civilized manner which is by name, but I don't know her name and everyone calls her "Si Mbak." The closest equivalent would be either "The Maid" or "The Miss." Mistress means Nyoya, Miss means Nona, Nona can both be translated into a little girl or a young lady. Mbak however is like nona but to a lesser degree. Kind of how like "Duck" can both be translated into an animal name or the crouching movement. Now well call her Simba.
I told her I would attend the gathering this Sunday, today, but I have to find a reason and means of transportation to snuck out of the house. She formulated a plan and said I can go out with her and grandma on Sunday to celebrate grandma's birthday and call a taxi.
This morning, before the sun shined, roughly 03:00, dad would go in his car to a running event where he would run 5-10 kilometres (I forgot) and after that dad would rest amd mom would have to accompany him. It would be the perfect chance.
But on Friday Audrey said she can't. It was a disaster for me. I was crushed. It seemed like the perfect time, too. The end of November. And tomorrow I'll be facing end semester exam for 4 days. Like how the protagonist says "I love you" to his/her love interest before the final showdown. And on Friday I'll meet Doc Ferra again. I guess I'll tell her about 90% of what I've written here. Like last time.
Anyway, I'll be facing 4DayHell once again. Wish mercy on my soul. -Aex
