OD 19: Sentiments and love at the entrance of 12th grade.

Friday, June. 27/06/2014 00:05

Hey, its me again. Its only been about a week since the last post. I'm not supposed to write again this early to give some space in between posts but whatever. I'll just post this later like always.

In the last post I mentioned about AriaFams meeting on the 3rd of July, but it got canceled entirely. Tomorrow, Muslims are going to enter the month of Ramadhan. Muslims are required to do fasting for more or less a month. Because of this, the plan must be changed. On the 23rd, we discussed for a while and decided to cancel it altogether. Audrey and I can't go because we're Muslims, Axel got monetary issues (actually, we all did. But for the rest of us it wasn't the main problem), and Jane got some unknown issues but she can't go anywhere this month because of it. Which set the problem in stone and made me decide to cancel it. Yes, I was the one who made the decision.

Funny isn't it? I was the one who planned the whole thing and I was the one who canceled it.

When the plan got canceled, we were all sad. Well, that's what I believed. I don't know what the others felt but I was definitely sad because of two reasons.

One, I made a promise to make all the AriaFams members to gather at one place after 9th grade graduation. Get to know each other, spend some time together, have fun, and make memories. It was promise I can't fulfill, and it left a bitter taste on my mouth.

Two, I can't meet Audrey. This hurt me more than it should have. I've been waiting to meet her, officially and formally. She did say I could meet her at the pool at Tuesdays but I think it would be so, so awkward and we wouldn't always be at the pool. So this plan is kind of unreliable.

But hey, good things happened too, you know. Well, maybe just one. Either way, it was a miracle.

I passed, BARELY. So here it is, 7 scores, one for each subject. If I don't pass 3 of them, I won't pass. I passed 5 of 7 subjects. I didn't pass chemistry and physics. They both need a minimal of maybe 70. I can't remember which is which, but I got 63 and 68. I barely escaped because of math. If I remember correctly, I need 70 to pass and I got 71. It was a miracle. I thought, "Thank God I passed."

12:36

I stopped writing to use google translate, ended up browsing a lot of gaming forums, ended up to my usual gaming forum, and when I wanted to write a reply the battery died on me. I couldn't sleep afterwards.

Wednesday, July. 02/07/2014 07:28

It seems the update I wrote on Monday wasn't saved. What a drag. Well, it was just a short update but the thing that pissed me off is the rewriting and the missing vent part. I vented some stuff yesterday.

— Section for Desktop User —

On Sunday I changed the layout of the blog. I changed the template and the background. Changed the song playlist. Deleted the snow effect.

— Section End —

11:47

I've got nothing to do, so let's write because I've been wanting to do it but I'm too lazy.

I think I'm not deaf anymore and that's always a good news.

The girl that I attacked, Jacinda, resigned from the homeschooling community. I promised everyone I'm going to apologize to her. I want to, and and I have to, but I can't now. There's something that I haven't tell anyone about that incident. At the day I was given a scolding by my parents, they wanted me to visit my psychiatrist again starting the next day.

I arrived at the hospital with my brother and my parents. When I was waiting for my turn, I saw Jacinda. My family and I were sitting on the far right side, facing the doctor's office. I was talking to Bayu when I saw her sitting on the far left side. Kinda far, and I didn't bring my glasses so I wasn't so sure but I knew she looked back at me. I was worried she would get angry, or cry, or something. I don't know, really. But instead she smiled.

I looked down, trying to calm down. If I panic my parents would see her and that won't be good. Some time has passed and about half an hour before my turn, I looked at her seat and she wasn't there. I looked at somewhere around my back and there she is, sitting behind my mother. I only took a glimpse but I'm sure its her. She saw me too, smiling.

To this day, I haven't seen her since. I was sure she came to the parent's meeting too because we looked at each other, but the teacher said she didn't come. My mind might be playing tricks on me.

Maybe this is what people mean when they say "I owe you an apology."

21:42

So I went to Audrey's social medias to check on her (or stalking, if you prefer. Whatever) and when I went to her ask(dot)fm page, there is a question about my fanfiction, saying that I lied about making it because there's no news about it whatsoever. So I'm going to do an explanation.

— Explanation Start —

Here's the deal: I planned to make the fanfic to be as long as 12 chapter according to the draft but I don't know how to make it happen. So the first step is to make the short version of the story and I'll have to cut it into 12 parts and work from there. So far the short one is about 3 chapters long.

As I made chapter 1 (I plan to change some parts later), I forgot to make a prologue, so I made one (currently a work in progress). And as I made the prologue I thought of great new ideas to put into the story but it means I'll have to rewrite chapter 1 to incorporate those ideas. I'm afraid it would happened every so often that I would have to rewrite all the chapters as new ideas show up.

I've made a rough sketch (early draft?) of chapter 2 but I won't finalize it until I finish the prologue and chapter 1 because its prone to changes due to new ideas.

Not all of the inspiration are directly made into story, some of them I kept as new drafts for concepts of the story's universe. After writing for some time I realized it became so complicated and decided to make a second series based on the current story's already provided elements. Of course, I would start making it after I'm done with this one, writing two stories simultaneously is difficult. Mostly because I'm an amateur writer.

— Explanation End —

tl;dr? Writing is hard. 'Nuff said.

Saturday, July. 05/07/2014 22:20

I don't really have anything to write here at the moment but I wrote this anyway because, I feel lonely. Whenever I open this app on my phone, I've felt like there's someone behind the screen. Somewhere, reading this. Makes me feel less lonely.

Its been very lonely since the start of Ramadan, not that its a bad thing or anything. It was to be expected because most people I know would be trying to save energy. Its just that I don't like feeling lonely.

AriaFams have been so quiet, we don't talk much anymore. Overall, there's not much talk, either there or in other places like Twitter or Facebook or anywhere, really. I haven't talked to Audrey for some time too, and it made me think.

I wanted to talk to her, but about what subject? I don't know. We could just talk about random things. Maybe I'm just too shy. I'm not a good talker and I'm not a big fan of talking anyway. Whenever I talk, sometimes, someone would interrupt.

Audrey and I don't have much in common, I guess. We like different things. Angel talked to me about this long ago, saying that diversity is good. Saying that, why do I have to like the same things as her to like her? Do I have to like the same thing? If I have to, then why did God made all humans different?

I still love her, but don't like to use the word love. Makes my face red. I do love her, I care for her. But for what reason? I don't know, maybe I don't have any reason. I just do. My mother calls this kind of thing as unconditional love. Affection without reason. Don't think, just do. I stayed silent about it, didn't talk to her even if I want to. Instead, I watch her from a distance. Maybe the proper term is stalking. But I'm glad, I'm happy.

I guess its different for every person, huh?

On Tuesday I'll enter 12th grade. That's right, my vacation is over. But school is just for a short time too, I guess. After one or two weeks, its Ramadan holiday.

My life had taken so many twists and turns. I remember when I first entered middle school I thought I would have an unappealing, average, ordinary life. And a humble, ordinary death. When I did the stabbing, I thought "this is it, the life in prison awaits me." But I was saved. My body was saved, but my mind and soul is still suffering. Then, I found Audrey.

I think she might have indirectly affected who I am. Before I realized my feelings, sometimes I think "if I do this, I might look bad in her eyes." for no reason. I tried to change, to be a good person, a better man.

And then, I graduated middle school, and got to 12th grade, waiting to graduate highschool and enter college. I might've never made it this far if it wasn't for her, really.

"I owe all this to her."

Or so I wanted to say. If I did, then it wouldn't be fair. This is all wouldn't happen without the help of my parents too. Thank you for being patient with me and my temper. And thanks for whoever else that needed to be thanked too because I'm too lazy to write them.

But really, thanks, Audrey.

OD 18: Free Falling

Wednesday, June. 11/06/2014. 13:21 / 01:21 pm.

Hey people its me again. Just to let you know, I might not pass the exam. Yeah. And I'm pretty sure about it this time around.

You know, after all this I've only realized it now, I've become what I detest. A stupid person. I've always thought that I was a better person than all of my classmates, but it all changed after I entered highschool.

Before I entered 9th grade I was above average on everything, or at least, that's what I want to believe. When I entered this homeschooling community, I was already a second best in class. It was good, great. But still, It was not good enough for me. When I tried to climb, I became third best. Third out of five people. The first is Prabowo, he has social anxiety if I remember correctly. I was second to him because the rest of the class sucked. But then there's a newcomer, Ibrahim, and I became second to him. It makes me go into third place. Its as if the harder I try to climb up the ranks, the odds are stacked against me even more. After I graduated and entered 10th grade, the positions were reset and its a free for all battle.

In 10th grade I was number one, it was the time of my life. Maybe the only period of time in my life that I would look back to and refer to it as my golden days. But halfway through, I fell. I became second to Aditya, the one previously sitting in second place. It was only by a slight difference. When I enter 11th grade, my position was dropped even lower with the addition of Izmy and Naufal. I was 4th, and my grades were not that much different than those who goes to school only to hang out. And now, after the metal chair incident, its not only my grades are low. People started to fear me. They backed away, its a logical thing to do.

If I'm to be classified into one of the school stereotypes, I wouldn't fit anywhere. The smart ones? Nah man. The jerks? No way. Nerds are usually smart and it naturally attracts other nerds. The same goes for the jocks, but they're not smart, they just attract other people with their douchebagness. I wouldn't fit into neither of them.

Wednesday, June. 18/06/2014. 23:31 / 11:31 pm.

Have you read what I've written above? When I see it, I just want to erase all of it. I don't want to make myself look bad in front of the audience but then again its my vent and I won't lie to you boys and girls, I'm ashamed to have wrote that. I wanted to make you see what I thought that day.

Or any day, for that matter. Before the stuff above, there are actually stuff I've deleted before I published it. I wrote them, then I erase them because it makes me look bad. What a joke.

Is this what I've been searching for? Publication? Fame and popularity? Yes! But then again, no! Let's say, I did something that made me the center of attention but then I play "hard-to-get" to them.

My breath smells like a drugstore and it makes me want to puke. This sickness makes me look like an addict for using so many medicine. Its just a common cold but its not healing after 2 weeks so I was brought to the hospital. The doctor said I was blowing my nose too hard so the mucus went up a small tube that connects the nose and the ear, making the insides swollen. My left ear is almost deaf, its weird.

Everything is weird. Lately, nothing seems to be right. I feel as if everyone around me getting away, being distant, and disappearing. I felt like the ceiling is crashing down upon me as the ground breaks and falls apart. Suddenly, everything changes. What is everything?

You know there are stuff like automated responses, muscle memory, reflexes, or whatever, right? This might be the first time I mentioned my brother's name.

Almost everyday, I tried to make small talks to Bayu. Whether he's lying on the sofa with his phone or playing in front of the computer, I tried to get his attention. For the reader's convenience, I tried to translate most sentences into English. "Hey, what are you building?" If Bayu is playing Minecraft. "What are you browsing?" If he's on the sofa. Most of the time its just "I'm making/watching/reading something." And I replied with something short too and that's it. On other times he gave a full answer and made a topic we could talk about. On other times he would ignore me. Every time he ignores me I though "okay then I'll ignore you too." But then I do it again later. "Hey."

"Hey son, how's your day?" When mother came home she would almost instantly ask this to me and Bayu. Back then it would be "how's your day? How's school?" Now its just "hey." I think my mind and mom's are getting distant.

Friday, June. 20/06/2014. 14:40 / 02:40 pm.

Today I was supposed to the hospital for mental check up, but the doc was fully booked so its cancelled. Tomorrow is the day I'm worried about though. Parent's meeting at my school, my plummeting grades, you get the idea.

I tried to not think about tomorrow by living in the now. Angel had been a great help, she asked me stuff about Star Wars last night. This morning I planned to watch the entire saga from 1-6. But the CDs are missing and I wasted my morning for it.

Next Wednesday, Ariafams are going to meet up in a mall. I'm glad I made that decision to gather all five of us in one spot and get to know each other. Its just that, I'm not used to doing these kinds of things. But I can't let them down, I don't want to be the one to disappoint them. After all, I'm the one who wanted it.

Thinking about the stuff above made me think about another thing, will I have enough money? I don't want to make myself look like I'm not grateful. I am grateful with what I have, with what my parents had provided. But sometimes, I feel like I want more. I can't help it.

When I go out to school or wherever, I see people having this stuff, that stuff, bla bla bla. I want them too, some of it. But I don't want to ask my parents for it. I'm already troublesome enough with the problem I cause, my attitude,what I did to people. Its pitiful.

I'm sorry.

Now, like any other times if I'm not going anywhere, I lock myself in my parent's room for the day. I turn on the fan and the TV, turned the volume up so no one outside can hear the inside. I usually watch anime on my laptop, or play the PSP, or write these entries, or simply watch the TV.

I really treasure this alone time. I like being alone, but I don't like feeling lonely. I don't have the ability to go out and go somewhere, to get out of the house and disappear to a place where I can be alone. Usually on Wednesdays I go out to swim alone because Bayu is still in school. I swim and swim, enjoying being alone in a place where no one knows me. It feels great!

I haven't been swimming for several weeks because of my sickness and the exams the week before. I miss the water, you know?

23:01 / 11:01 pm.

Tonight has gone to shit. Dad came home angry. Because of me, obviously. Who else could it be, right? Heh.

As I said earlier, there's a parent's meeting tomorrow. Because there was a lack of information, everyone got confused, and the situation heats up. Its my fault. I should've told them there were going to be a PM. I did tell them, just not detailed enough because I don't know either. When? Tomorrow. When exactly? I don't know. Where? I don't know. Probably not in the school building, though I'm not sure either.

The Ariafams meeting encountered some problems too. The date has been moved to the 3rd of July. And everyone has the same problem – money. I don't know about them, but this time I'll ask my parents for money like a greedy teenager in movies.

I'm not the one who created the group and decided to call it Ariafams. I forgot who made it, but I remember it was first called #ariabagasfams.

Dad got up and told me to sleep. 23:11, 11:11. The 1111 wish. Do you know it? I don't, and I don't believe in it either. But maybe, for once. I wish... I don't know. I really don't. I couldn't just wish for all my problems to disappear. That would mean I wish for my parents to be gone. My brother to be gone. My school to be gone. My fears and lies to be gone. I can't. I don't want to fall further.

I wish for a miracle to happen. Anything. Please.