Sunday, August. 31/08/2014 22:37
Money.
Despair and hope of humankind. The source of problems and also its solutions. Directly and indirectly.
You see, I grew up almost normally but I matured up way ahead of my time. Doesn't mean I'm smart, but it does mean that I'm mentally adult.
That's why I always wanted to be a kid again. I will give everything to be a kid again. No stress, no burden. Sounds like I'm running away, right? Of course I am. I don't wanna deal with this adult bullshit.
Some fears you face head on, but this isn't fear. Just anger. I hate it when people talk about money, so that's what I'm doing right now. Talk about money. When you talk about it near your kids, it makes them mature up faster than they deserve. I don't know what most people would feel but I, for an example, felt guilty. "My parents pay for my education." That or other obvious things parents do for their kids.
I'm not the most problematic kid out there but I am problematic nonetheless. Short tempered, violent, spoiled, manipulative, lazy. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. All that makes me feel guilty, my parents might be trading cash for nothing because I can't absorb what I studied in school efficiently. Its a waste.
Short temper, I think I got that from my dad. I don't know the truth for shit but who cares. Me and him got temper issues. But I'm worse, enough said. Violent behavior, I am the first. According to what my parents said, from their relatives and those before them, I am the first to show this. It really isn't something to be proud or brag about. When I was a kid I was spoiled, it makes me lazy. When I don't get what I want I try to manipulate people to get it. Spoiled people develop low tolerance towards stress and authority. And it gets worse over time.
Now that I've reached adulthood and understands the concept of money, I came to understand the hardships my parents went through for me and my brother. As the elder sibling I was supposed to set a example for my brother but I failed. My failure affected my parents and brother. Financial burden and mental strain. This homeschooling place costs maybe almost twice my previous school the first time I got here. The people at my brother's school called him a killer's sibling at one point, even though I didn't kill anyone. I never meant to hurt anyone.
But the past is just that, a past. Excuses are excuses. Reasoning won't do me any good. All I can do is fix it in anyway I possibly can within my strength. But I'm lazy. See?
Thursday, September. 04/09/2014 23:38
This is a public site.
Sometimes I must remind myself of that fact. I must be careful of what I write and post to the public. But it defeats the purpose of this Online Diary, right? So this morning I thought, Fuck it, for once let's take the risk. Its not the time for fear, that comes later when someone talked to me about this blog. So, I'll talk about stuff that's been driving me up the fucking wall recently.
You see, there are so many things to talk about but only some of them allowed. I'm on my last life here, my last chance. If I screw up once again its over for me. Because I've got nowhere else to go.
This is my place to vent about the things that happened, good or bad. But even so, I was still selective about what I put in here. I don't want to write something too specifically. I try my best to speak in general terms so that it wouldn't sound like I'm describing someone. Its also to keep me out of trouble. It won't be good for me to bad mouth a classmate and they talked to me about it. There's a chance of physical violence, okay? I might kill someone and that's never a good thing.
Monday, September. 08/09/2014 18:28
Everyday when I, Adit, Naufal, and Izmy are present in class, the three of them often talk about stuff. Discussing a study material or Adit boasting about some shit to awe them. I just stayed silent and listened. When someone said they did something great, Adit would say I did that once or used to do that but I got lazy or bored, and then he adds that he did it better and shit.
Almost every morning, today I feel lazy or sleepy because yesterday I got home late at night or I had a German language test. All that while blasting music from his earphone and chatting. Not to mention he's fucking late. That fine I guess! *sarcasm*
Almost every time before class starts, I forgot my (something. Let's say, a pen.) because I left it in my other bag or I left it in my German language tutor place. But he remembers to bring his fucking laptop and two USB controllers. Something that's not required in class. Nothing wrong with that, right? *sarcasm *
When someone answers a question, actually I can do that too but I'm lazy or I felt sleepy. Then he copies the answer. What an efficient way of life! *SARCASM*
The same excuse again and again. You're getting more and more predictable day by day but I decided to shut up because I'm tired of it all. I get it, okay. I'll let myself get stomped. For you and your glorious bullshit.
But yeah. Nothing I could do, right? "No, you can say something, you can say anything." Yeah, and it would only add to my embarrassment. I have a very big ego, you see? It's the size of a fucking dinosaur. I stayed silent because it was the best course of action. And I so I force myself to study.
The sweetest passive revenge I can do is when I did great on a subject, because people will flock to me and ask about stuff. You see, lately his academic performance has been dropping and that's an opening for me, an aspect I can take advantage of.
What the fuck is he thinking, taking out his anime sticker covered laptop from his Nico Nico nii~ pin covered bag, in the middle of study session, playing music loudly from his earphone (yes, it's audible)!
Good God! I fucking hate this.
When someone- when anyone tried speaking or is speaking to either Izmy of Naufal (or anyone, really), he would cut in saying something about downloading movies or some anime stuff. For fuck's sake, we're in the middle of something here. Can't you fucking see? Are you fucking blind? God! And the worst part is that it worked! They're actually distracted! Distracted from studying! The thing that actually matters!
Please realize that I'm an enormous fucking hypocrite because I said stuff about studying while I myself is a lazy person that doesn't like studying. *unnecessary dramatic sigh*
I've let one thing out. It won't be long for other things I hate to attack me while I unsuspectingly drop my defense. Yeah.
Tuesday, September. 09/09/2014 22:13
The higher you fly, the harder you'll fall. My heart shattered as my friend Dillon wave his hand between my face and the phone display as I was sitting there frozen.
Last week when I went swimming, I took a photo of the pool being all chill and empty of people. The way I like it. Then I posted said picture in Instagram with some fabulous hipster filters. I swim and swim and when I was done I checked my post, there's a comment from Audrey's IG telling me to come to her place for a gift exchange. My necklace for hers. It was actually a deal made way back when AriaFams were still active as shit. But I said I'll go next week, I was already halfway home. "Home" meaning my old friend Dillon's house. We've been friends for 7 years, more or less.
Yesterday I talked to her first (or maybe should I say chat?) about the gift exchange. We talked about it a bit. Tons of assignments and homework makes it complicated. Today in class in the middle of a math lecture Audrey said she can do it because she went home early. I went swimming as usual and when I check my phone she said she can't. A bullet went through my chest as a drop of sweat hit the screen.
The good thing is I haven't departed yet from the pool, so I don't have to double the distance to Dillon's house. Yes, I walked. Yes, I usually walk. I went to Dillon's and we watched some educational YouTube videos in his room about science, history, Europe, and European history. I was watching a vid about theories about the death of our universe by Kurzgesagt (totally awesome) when Audrey chatted me that whatever activities that prevented us from meeting got cancelled.
"I should've gone there anyway, even if she said she can't."
I dropped in Dillon's bed.
Saturday, September. 13/09/2014 22:47
I've been alive for only 17 years, I lack experience and stuff. There's much I don't know and understand.
All my life I thought I was living a normal life until I dropped out, and then the definition of normal became blurred to me. I've talked about the drop out subject so I won't talk about that. This is just to give an intro to help you boys and girls understand the core of the following subject.
For the recent months I've become sensitive and I don't know if its good or bad. And for the recent months I've limited my interaction with my brother. You can say that I hate him, now. I'm not a talker, so I mostly think to myself. Talking in my conscience. I don't wanna talk to him, I don't want to do anything with him. I know we just wouldn't connect. Any attempt to talk to him outside of his games will be dealt with coldly by him and it hurts me a lot. If I try to make small talks or jokes it would be easily reversed towards me and it hurts me a lot. I realized how easily hurt I was and its weird. I don't make any attempt to fix it.
He's my kid brother so it's obvious that I'm on the losing side whenever we got into a fight. My parent's would support him, knowing how unstable I am. Even though we've hardly fought anymore but minor disagreement would result in a mute war. No eye contact, no talking. I hate this, I hate him.
But without him I'd be lonely. Who am I gonna talk to at home?
But whatever, really. Even if he somehow suddenly dies or disappears it would not make any difference to me. I'm already alone. I'm like a ghost to him.
But it's okay. It's normal. "No, it's not!" You're damn right its not but what can I do!? Fucking what!? I dont know why its hard for me to give up crossing this bridge when the other side kept throwing arrows and insults at me. This weird feeling won't go away.
Everyone is special. When everyone is special, no one is. Everyone becomes normal.
When I got kicked out, I know I'm the only one with blood on my hands. The other kids in homeschooling are either retards or fucked up jerks. It made me special. But I don't want to be.
"I draw well. I'm good at English. I have above average scores. I'm good at video games. My parents' financial support is enough for me."
Now, its all gone. When you've lost your pride, you don't want to do anything. Just sit down, and look at the ceiling.
After I dropped out, I've become a worse human being and I can't fix it. My parents' support went to my kid brother who is now, and always will be, a better human being than I will ever be.
And I hate this.
Sunday, September. 14/09/2014 22:42
Starting tomorrow is mid-semester exam. Oh, man. I know I'm gonna fuck up at least one of seven subjects. It could be Chemistry, Physics, or Biology but I hope I don't screw anything up.
I've no progress on [Fiction] Players chapter 2. Sorry, I'm just out of ideas at the moment. Taking my free time to draw and post in Instagram.
Speaking of [Fiction]s, I wrote a fiction for my Indonesian assignment. I'll post both the Indo and English version as soon as I finished translating it.
When I was in the middle of writing it, at first I though "I'm going to make the English version and it's gonna be different from the Indo version!" but now after I finished the Indo, I thought making it different is going to be too much of a hassle.
What's the point of making a different plot? I don't know. But I do know I don't want to make a new plot with the same theme because I'm too lazy.
Anyway, this is Aexeonn reporting in before mid-semester exam (read: 4 day hell).
Aex, out.
