Monday, May. 19/05/2014. 15:46 / 03:46 pm.
Heya boys and girls, its been a while.
The reason I came back is simple, to vent. This blog has been around for some time now, I honestly thought you (read: visitors who have been reading my entries for a long time) had found a pattern in my posting, which is: I mostly post if I'm having a bad day or if I had a bad experience that I need to let out of my head. Which leads to my posts being filled with mostly rants, complaints, and other negative things. And if there's no new entries, it means I'm currently having a good life. At least until the next post (read: negative things) emerges. And if you don't know previously, now you know. Congratulations. But I'm not here for celebration.
In the last few days, or weeks, a lot of stuff has happened. To start it all, there's the junior highschool graduation exam. That has passed. Boys and girls are free at last. Social networks became very crowded again like in the old days, and I can talk to Audrey freely.
So now me and Audrey can talk via social media. This is a big thing for me. We mostly talk at night, and continues talking until the day has passed and a new day emerges. Like from 9 at night until 1 in the morning, but mostly until around 10:30. Then I pass out first.
With the exams gone, my bro and Audrey is now on vacation, which means unlimited free time. But this is not the case for Axel and me. I'm still going to school like there's nothing, and Axel must go face some more "delayed exams" according to him. Before the finals, he originally had other kinds of exams but they are all delayed until finals passed. I too have exams at the beginning of the next month, but I don't really care about it. Lately Axel, Audrey, and I have been talking in multichat. We talk about anything, so its random really. We joke around, but I'm not a very "humorous" person. If the joke goes too far, I'll get pissed. Anger management has never been my strong point, see. After this, what happens is I would break out raging in social media talking about what pissed me off and cussing and blaming people. In this case, Axel.
23:11 / 11:11 pm.
One night around two days ago (if I remember correctly), I asked Audrey whether she can draw my original character or not. The design was chopped to pieces (read: I drew his anatomy and design for each limb separately). She did an amazing job, but he was facing to the side so I asked her about it and it turns out she had a hard time drawing faces facing straight. I'm not mad. The design for the weapon was a bit unclear to her, its also because what I drew was just a concept. So the next day I drew her the finished weapon, but when I submitted it to her, Axel showed up in multichat and had began making a racket. I think he has this habit of taking everyone's attention and disappearing, for I can't remember how long I've known him.
So after Audrey and I responded he disappeared for a short while before showing up again. He talked about a fanclub, one dedicated to him. Axle4Lyfe, an inactive Twitter account. I think this was just some kind of a joke to begin with but I'm also very, very ticked off because, really? Why the fuck are you making such a fucking big deal out of a fucking inactive account? Last tweet, December 2013. Then he said he had a bad day and wanted to talk about it. The fuck, dude. Fucking focus on one shit before talking about another. And then Axel began like -insert sad story here- while I investigate the account. I said it was inactive, but then two new tweets showed up right after we talked about it. Why show up after 5 months of inactivity?
And I don't know if this is just a coincidence or Axel is playing with us, this account tweeted right after we talked about it. New tweet, 5 minutes ago. By 5 minutes ago, I mean after we talked about this inactive account, it became active. I became furious. I still don't believe up until this second that the account was not in Axel's control. I stalked further into it, and found what might be the username of the previous user before it died in December 2013. So then I was just like "Okay Axel didn't make this account but I'm still not convinced that this account is not controlled by him. Its gotta be him." How else could it happen? The new tweet was perfectly timed so that we would see it.
Sunday, May. 25/05/2014. 23:07 / 11:07 pm.
On Tuesday, I went swimming and got sick, I got a common cold. This sickness will affect the rest of the week (and possibly my life) by a great deal. In the night, Jane sort of like confronted me about the incident above and I told her my side of the story. Its pretty much what I had already written above. I've already moved on from that because I wrote about it here. I vented them all here. By Thursday, when I was at school everything is a mess. I couldn't think very straight because I'm sick, I felt weak even though I'm not.
The first period has started and we are learning chemistry. We were assigned to make a group of 2 people and we only had 5, so one group have to take the last person. There were me, Aditya, Izmy, Naufal, and Jogi. Jogi is the autistic one. At first I teamed up with Naufal and Aditya teamed up with Izmy, as expected. The teacher wanted one of us to take Jogi in so I did. But after that Naufal left my group and joined Aditya's. Don't I supposed to have anything to say about this? Of fucking course I do. But I knew whatever I said to them they won't listen so Jogi and I aced the group assignment. But I don't know if the answers are correct or not. I was pissed big time, but I had it under control.
I just thought that, can't you at least be more considerate when you decided to leave my group? If they had done so, I would understand. I don't mind being left alone, but really, it makes me sad too. I just want to make you boys and girls know and understand that the guy in corner has a back story too, and with that, feelings.
In the second period, this girl from my class, Jacinda came up and joined. To me, she is a total bitch, honestly. In the middle of math session, I couldn't breath properly so I wanted to go to the bathroom. The teacher were starting to explain a math question and when I got back they already got so far, it was only a logical thing for me to ask her to repeat the explanation because I wasn't there to listen and she said she will after she finishes. Jacinda suddenly said something that would look like this if translated into English "who told you to go out anyway?" In a mocking tone. And they all laughed. They laughed at me. I've lost it but I had control for a short time. I glared at her, at Jacinda, and the heavy metal chair separating us. I got up and lifted that chair and was about to smash her with it but the teacher screamed at me. I paused for a short time before putting the chair back and went to sit in my seat, but before I did, I saw her smiling. She's fucking playing with me. I sat down and saw the teacher went to the door. Apparently the scream to stop me alerted the other classes. When she wasn't looking, I lifted the chair up and threw it at Jacinda. I hit her and the teacher. I'm not done, I lifted the chair up again and smashed it at her and to the teacher at close range before the teacher stopped from giving the third blow. Jacinda was immediately brought to the teacher's office.
Monday, May. 26/05/2014. 12:26 am.
Happy 17th birthday, Aexeonn. Happy birthday to me. Actually that was 2 days ago, 24th of May.
Continuing the story above. I felt relieved to be honest. Attacking people might be a guilty pleasure for me but I know that is wrong and it makes me feel very guilty, and this is seriously wrong. When the guilt came, I immediately regretted my decision, and I went out to cry. I cried out of guilt, and then comes the fear. The fear of my father. He's going to be so mad. I didn't realize that everyone was watching me cry. I got up and started to pack my stuff, I knew if I stayed to study it would only make things more awkward. So with the permission of the teacher that I assaulted, which is my homeroom teacher, I went home early.
At home I felt very weak so I just locked myself alone. I grabbed my phone and messaged Audrey, I wanted to tell her about that day. My decision was right. I told her about it and she made me feel better mostly because after I told her about it she strayed from the conversation, and instead wanted to talk about my birthday date. I told her its on Saturday and she wanted to make me something, I don't know what though. Later that day, mom and dad went home and I got a thorough scolding. Standard family time, you know. I don't want to talk about what happened here, its not that bad, its just uncomfortable for me to write about it even though I want to. I'll leave it to you boys and girls to imagine it. They wanted me to participate in my old therapy or something starting the next day, but this time, no medications are given.
Wednesday, May. 28/05/2014. 21:03 / 09:03 pm.
My parents said I will be suspended during the end semester exam and will participate the week after. There will be no remedial so I have to get good grades in first try, if I get bad grades then its permanent I guess.
I don't feel very good about this, you know? I feel all messed up inside.
Thursday, May 29/05/2014. 00:04 am.
The thing I did, throwing heavy metal chair at Jacinda, was unacceptable. My parents want me to handle te consequence. I must apologize to Jacinda and I will.
This is all better that what I had imagined it would be, really. The are several outcomes to this story. One, I'll be expelled and to be honest I don't really know what lies at the end of this road. And thank goodness that didn't happen.
22:53 / 10:53 pm.
Two, I'll be changing study program from community to distance learning. Its still better than actually being expelled but if this happened then cannot socialize beyond home and phone via internet. Speaking in person is very different than chatting or video calling via social media.
Saturday, May. 31/05/2014. 13:46 / 01:46 pm.
I guess that's it for now. Gotta focus on studying for the end semester exam which will start in 2 days but for me I have another week to study because I'm suspended.
Ciao, I'll post this in the night.
-Æx
