Monday, March. 31/03/2014. 21:55 / 09:55 pm.
Tonight, I have decided to stop caring about other people's businesses, except if I was involved or shit like that. I decided to not help people if they don't request it. I naturally want to help people if I think I can help. But I guess, no one wants help from me. They don't want to be seen hanging around with a person like me. It affects their "popularity," "reputation," and "social life." Heart isn't worth shit these days, at least with the people I'm surrounded with.
Fuck them. If I offer help to them, they fucking reject it. If i reject their cry for help, they'll say I'm selfish and shit like that. If I decided to help them anyway, they don't ever appreciate it, and instead fucking insult me for whatever reason.
Fuck, the people that I know who would at least appreciate the thought can still be counted by one hand. Less than 5. And I'm still not sure about them either. I know this sounds weird, like I'm confirming my selfishness, but I've had enough of this shit on my plate.
Forgive me for the ranting section below.
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Maybe after this, people might say "dude, you've changed." Changed from what? Into fucking what? From "an oblivious guy that can easily be manipulated or whatever" into "a heartless jerk that doesn't listen when someone needs help" kind of guy? Yeah right, someone who "needs help." I can help you. Let me give you a swift punch to your face and shove my foot up your ass. That'll help you a ton. You don't "really need" my help, right? You guys just wanted to use me.
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End of rant. Agh.
If this is the case, chairs might start flying in class. But I don't care. Not anymore ~♪
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Wednesday, April. 02/04/2014. 22:40 / 10:40 pm.
I lost all the data on my psp. Games, save files, screenshots, everything. Even the stuff I don't need or I've never used is gone too. 7.8 GB of gaming progress, fucking gone. I don't know what happened. Nothing can be done, they're gone for good.
I had just finished Dante's Inferno and then I went to the home screen to play another game, but when I opened the games folder, it said its empty. Everything is fucking empty, but my memory is filled by 50%. I have a 16 GB memory stick, but I only have 8 GB of free space.
I checked it immediately with my laptop in the middle of the night, scanned for virus, corrupted data, or some shit that might have caused it. I've found nothing but one folder filled with fucking error files with the size of 8 GB. My laptop can't do anything with it so I deleted it. Tomorrow, I'm gonna start over most of them. I had a back up data but its very old. Pretty sure its shit. I'm gonna use them anyway.
And, I talked to Audrey shortly. When I realized my files were gone and I was about to use my laptop, I opened Twitter and found her there. I talked to her whilst checking my memory stick. I was angry, sad, happy, and relieved at the same time. Sad and angry because I lost my data, happy and relieved because I finally had the chance to talk to her, ever for just a moment.
It was a bit of a weird feeling, good and bad emotion mixed together. We talked shortly about why she disappeared. She said she was forbidden to use the internet for the next 5 months, but she got on anyway if she had the chance. I was so happy but I still think I've annoyed her a bit.
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Thursday, April. 03/04/2014. 21:00 / 09:00 pm.
Last night I had a great sleep. The kind of sleep I haven't had for a long time.
I checked my last backed up save files and it was made last year and I'm pretty sure they're shit.
I had a major headache for a whole day and I don't know why, but oh my god was that a skull splitting headache! I mean really, holy shit.
Its weird because I had a good sleep.
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Friday, April. 18/04/2014. 23:57 / 11:57 pm.
Hello again boys and girls. Its been a while huh?
I decided to get back into writing earlier. I had originally planned to start doing these kind of things again after my father gets back home, but I can't wait that long. I wanted to write about many things while I'm on break, but then I thought "Let it go. Just move on and be done with it." So, yeah. I forgot most of the stuff that planned on writing.
My father is coming home soon. He called my mother, said that he should be home by Saturday next week. I'm excited, I miss him. But I'm also confused. Things changed dramatically for me after he went overseas. I often question myself "After he came home, would everything just go back to what they were, or would things change further instead?" I can't help but wonder.
Next month, May the 5th to 8th, junior highschools are going to attend graduation exam for 9th grade. My bro has been pushing himself extra hard lately by studying at home with a teacher. I think Audrey is studying hard too, but I don't want her to push herself too hard. She already got his father monitoring her, putting the pressure on her. I can only wish her luck.
This is for the others too: Good luck on your exams. Try your best and hope you pass with flying colors.
After that, its my turn to face the exams. As my brother enters 10th grade, I'll be on the 12th, and will soon face the calamity that is Ujian Nasional.
I only realized this recently, after my bro started studying at home with his teacher.
My life has been going downhill after I dropped out around 2 years ago. Everything went south. Going to this homeschooling community was not a plan to fix my mistake and make a path for my future. Its only a plan to sustain my life until I finished school and continue with whatever I can do after that. Its like the path I took is the same as the one I could have taken but the end result differs significantly. This is a life support device. Without it, I'm done.
After graduating, my dream was to move away and live close to my cousin while going to this particular university near his location. I wanted to study there so that I may become either an engineer, an architect, or a doctor. But after dropping out, the chance of being accepted there is dropping to next to nothing.
Even if my score was somehow higher than the average of all the student in my country, my homeschool certificate wouldn't get me anywhere near to that dream.
I know, I know. Being sceptical is bad.
"You never know until you try."
"No one can predict the future."
"You can lose even if you make no mistake. That is not a weakness, that is life."
"Insert quote here."
But still, this is the reality that I have to go through. My future might be better than what I expected, but it might also be worse. But then again, read the first quote stated above.
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Thursday, May. 01/05/2014. 23:23 /11:23 pm.
Heya, boys and girls. Been a while.
I'm supposed to write this last week but I forgot. Dad is finally home, safe and sound. After he came back I realized how empty last month was without him. He really is something else, he's my dad. We're back to our old routine like making stupid jokes on the go and watching tv late at night after studying an hour before.
Mom doesn't do stuff like that you know. After dad went overseas, mom became something like a workaholic. It worries me because she was never like this. She said its because she has a brand launching event and her work intensifies significantly. I don't like this one bit. I made her promise me to stop taking work to home after dad returns. She said the event will be over 2 days before dad's arrival, but after that she continues to work at home. I don't know why. I don't like this at all. Its not good for her I think, tiring herself out like that.
Ah, today is the first day of May. Happy 17th birthday to me! Nah, just kidding. My birthday is still 3 weeks away. I'm not really excited about this, just, meh. What I'm excited about though, is about the new Xmen movie that's going to be on cinemas just one day before my birthday. That is awesome.
Anyway, I think this is it for this month. I'll see you boys and girls again in the next entry. I'm planning to change some stuff around here like the background, theme and stuff, and the music player playlist too maybe. I'm still planning about, so I'll notify you boys and girls about what I'm going to change in OD 16.5. I think I'll post my 17th Online Diary entry on my birthday, but it'll probably be too short. Whatever, I'll come up with something.
I'm going to say this one more time. This is for the 9 graders who are going to face Final Exams next week: Good luck on your exams. Do your best, take your time before picking the answer. Don't panic, calm down, deep breaths. Pray and hope you pass with satisfying results. Ganbatte!
-Aex
